Some let go on my own. Some yanked from me. There was one girl that was yanked from me, and I couldn't get over it for years (spot the pun in this one). That's the second-best girl in my life. But there lies one more. She is the love that I can never seem to let go of.
Today is her birthday.
May 17 is a day that means a lot to me. It was the day I moved from Rock Falls to Sterling, a day that still bothers me to this very moment. If that is the dark shadow of what May 17 means to me, the bright light of this day is the fact that it is the birthday of this girl, whom I consider to be a very important person in my life.
Amber.
Throughout this Blog, I have scattered around various moments of us. But not in actual order. So here goes.
***
I was lost in new surroundings some 16 years ago. I didn't know anybody, and the summer and the first two months of 5th grade were very depressing as I struggled to find new friends and acquaintnces.
I don't remember how it ALL began, but the vague memory of me sitting up along a shaded pine tree next to the playground comes to mind. Her and her friends would come up and check on me. She was always the first person to walk toward me in her group and talk. And she smiled more than anyone else. She was always playing with my mind in a way that made me think about her quite a bit. I really liked that.
Her presence pulled me back into reality and made me want to continue on. I will never know if this was an act of God, or on purpose. I just couldn't get my mind off of it, then came that funny feeling of "I think I love her." Throughout the school year, her and I connected on occasion in ways that girls don't normally treat boys.
I still remember the day she laid her head on my shoulder in the library. Her, and two more girls. But it was her's that I leaned on the most. I was reading a Charlie Brown comic collection book, and she was to my right reading along with me. Kind of like an informal flirt, and I never felt that before.
That's when I learned of the boy she actually liked. All of a sudden she took her head off my shoulder and told me she didn't like me anymore. The other two told me about this other boy. Was I depressed? A little. But all of that seemed to go away when she would continue picking on me - in a cute way - as the months went on.
All of a sudden everyone in the class knew – even our teacher knew – that I had a crush on her. But there was some sort of feeling that told me, “she hates me.”
Throughout fifth grade, she would in one way or another find a way to make me smile and make my day a bright one.
Music class was early in our school day. There were a couple of moments that seemed to set the tone for the rest of the day, I hoped. One day we all laid down on the carpeted floor to watch an old music film, and she went over to where I was laying and laid down next to me. Needless to say, I don't remember the film.
However, the other moment involved The Music Man. There's this musical number involving Marian the Librarian, and a song is sung with the emphasis on the "... IAN!" Every time after the first in which it was done, she would give me an elbow. Then she wouldn't. Then she would. It was catch me off-guard, and I went along with the act by doing a surprise jolt when she elbowed me. These jolts would make her laugh.
I still remember Valentine's Day; with the envelope marked "xoxoxo" and the red hearts on the envelope all circled - and the card of Eeyore and Piglet cheek-to-cheek with her name above Piglet, and mine above Eeyore. I couldn't believe it, as this was unlike any valentine I had seen before. In fact, I couldn't believe it so much, that I had to ask Adam (who was sitting next to me) if her valentine to him had the same thing on it. Not too long after that, she walked over to my desk and asked me, "Will you be my valentine?"
I didn't let go of that valentine card the rest of the day. My parents noticed that. When I went to bed that night, my mom walked in and wanted to know all about this valentine. I showed her everything and sort of explained the whole thing.
In just a few short months, I went from depressed to experiencing a feeling that was very different. I couldn't quite understand all of it, and I felt like writing all about it. I asked my parents for a journal for my 12th Birthday. I got it, alright. It was a Coca-Cola journal with a polar bear on the front of it.
I wrote about everything and anything.
Here are actual specifics, only mentioning the parts about her:
April 28: "The girls sung happy birthday to me. Then I told Dusty that what I wanted for a present was one of the the girls. After science, Amber wanted to help pass out the treats, and so, I picked her."
I didn't write every detail, but what I remember most about that day was her eagerness to have me pick her to help me pass out birthday treats. She had her hand held very high and waving it, smiling and moaning to me at the same time.
April 29: "When I was going to the bathroom, there were Amber, Sierra and Sydni, they said that Amber loves me. After that at lunch, somebody was pinching me, I didn't know who? It was either Amber or Sydni."
April 30: "Amber told a girl secret to me. Then at music, Amber wanted me to sit by her and have some kisses. I sat by her, but we didn't have kisses."
May 2: "After I put the garbage away [after helping out with the bike rodeo] I went to Amber's locker, and took her sucker out and ate it."
May 4: "I was worried about what would happen to me and my hair [I had it cut the day earlier]. Amber said I looked like a girl. Then when I sat down to watch the Music Man, to my surprise, Amber was sitting next to me. When I was walking to recess, I went into my classroom, sang the "Tarzan Yell", and there came Amber. I shut the door quickly, then all the girls went up to the door, and I sung "Old MacDonald." They thought I was Adam, but I opened the door. Then Sierra pushed Amber into the closet where I was and shut the door. We spend 10 sec. in there. At the end of the day, I was getting my things when I had my shoulder up, and Amber, again said a quote from the video. "Maaaaarrrr-ION" and at "ION," she pounded my wlbow. That tells me she in love with me."
We didn't do anything during those 10 seconds in the closet. We didn't. Really.
May 5: "Amber went up to me and wanted me to talk to her in private. She said something to me and poked my stomach and did the Pilsbury doh boy to me. ... I found a pair of ear rings that I could give to Amber. I would put them in her desk."
I gained some weight during this otherwise depressing time in my life, which has led to the weight problem I have now. All I remember about the ear rings are that they had a greenish rock in the middle of them.
May 6: "I got caught with the ear rings at 12:30 AM. But I took them to school again. ... I was singing and Jake Munz and Luis Baca pushed me over to the girls and they did the Pilsbury dough boy thing to me again. We went inside and Amber found those earrings. Nobody claimed them but I know it's me. After school she wanted to know (Amber) if I was still her boyfriend."
The whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing I don't think is actually true, since the both of us never recognized it at the same time and to each other. When Amber found the ear rings I remember her saying very loudly and in shock, "EAR RINGS!" I think five minutes of class time was devoted to trying to figure out who gave her these. Of course all of the fingers were pointing to me and I had to have found a way to convince everyone otherwise.
May 7: "Does Amber love me? That's the big question. When I was sitting at music, she always looked at me all the time. ... At SSR [silent sustained reading], I stapled my Time Magazine [those little handout versions for kids]. When we read them, I was looking towards Amber, then I saw her smiling. I would turn around, and she would do it again. It happened 20 times. On one of them, she was making kissing sounds. I have a field trip tomorrow, and I'm hoping that Amber sits next to me on the bus."
I sat toward the front of the class and to the left. She sat toward the back of the class and to the right. So it was easy to see her. Then again, her smiles were easy for our teacher to spot, too.
All this time, I was trying to find myself in these new surroundings and I was struggling mightily. However, when I was down I kept thinking about her. I noticed that for some reason she would treat me differently than the other boys in the class. I couldn't quite figure that out.
May 8: "The day of the field trip. No, Amber didn't sit next to me, but on the way there I was sitting next to Brian [Spangler, her cousin], humming some songs; Light My Fire and Love Me Do, and Brian told Amber (who was sitting 2 seats away from me) that I want to sing songs about her. ... That attracted her. She kept on smiling to me. ... She smiled to me again, and want to sing that song to her again, over & over again."
The field trip was to Galena. The song in the story is "Light My Fire" by The Doors. She thought I came up with the words (and not Jim Morrison). When she wanted me to "sing that song over and over again," we were inside a room at the Grant home.
May 9: "My mom found a knee-bracelet that I could give to Amber, I think it would go with the I Love You note I writed yesterday."
I have no recollection of this particular I Love You note.
May 11: "Sitting in music assigned seats was ... Well, I thought I would go under major back surgery when I got slapped in the back 10 times by Amber. Amber sits next to me in the seating order in music. When we were watching a movie, Stacie sat on the floor next to me, then Sarah H, and then Amber. I passed 2 notes. One was "my chair is stiff" & "Light My Fire." Eventually the whole class read it. Since I made "Light My Fire," Amber made "La Bamba" and wanted to dance."
I think I didn't write these notes, but someone else did ...
May 12: "Amber only smiled once to me. Bad day."
(I wrote a couple of days back about May 14. That was the day Amber (and Sierra, too) kissed me on the cheek.)
May 20: "Me and my girlfriend, Amber, was in a group with me. We were doing things with gears [in science (???) class], the gear went loose, hit my leg and I said "someone call 911 I'm hurt!" She cracked up. I was going to pay my money [at lunch] when Amber, who was behind me, kept on pushing me for fun, then, when I went to get the app. Sause my milk went out of the plate. She cracked up."
Again, we weren't really BF/GF. Both of us will tell you that. Amber probably more louder than me.
May 22: "Amber now calls me 'her man.'"
May 27: "Ambers student of the week. Afraid. Tention kicks back. but this time during the summer, you see, I won't get to see people that often. Amber, Sarah, Adam, and a whole lot of other people."
The journal ceased over the summer.
During the Summer of 1998 I was allowed to ride my bike into Rock Falls, as my parents didn't allow me to do that until then. That's when I met up with some of my classmates from Merrill, as well as the softball girls that I've known for years.
Middle school drifted Amber and I apart. I met more girls. She met more boys. All I can remember about the two of us in middle school is that I wrote a couple of notes to her and slipped them in her locker. I don't remember the first. I do remember the second. I was very depressed and wrote to her in the tone of "I can't live without you" or something like that. Apparently she gave the note to her teacher, to give to the school counselor. I had an hour-long chat with the counselor over this, and my parents knew.
Another memory involved putting my arm around her shoulders after one of the school dances and telling her goodbye.
I'm very glad I have kept this journal. It had been buried in a box for years. The next time I'd keep a journal would be the start of this Blog (the 1st version) in 2005.
I hoped that one day I could win her love. I never did. Middle school passed. High school passed. More and more girls came into my life. But these girls have all since come and gone. For many years, she was the only link that I have held on to.
Perhaps that's because I find myself moving on with my life, living alone in my new house. When the thought of significant others comes into mind, she is the first that comes up. As the years have passed, I have appreciated these moments more and more. We've had little contact since graduating high school. But every time I see her it makes my day.
Do I have a chance to win her heart today? I think time has eliminated that possibility. I accepted that fact long ago, even though no one I know compares to her. I still love her very much, but not in the same way as I did back then. You can call this collection of memories a cheesy way of reconnecting, but that's not the purpose of all this - it's to honor her on her birthday.
One day, when I was thinking about all of those memories, I penned a letter on my computer and sent it to her via Facebook. I was hoping for either closure or something to pull us together. I heard back a couple of months later. She didn't know how to take it all in, and appreciated everything. I've never had the courage to say this, but she truly does mean the world to me.
I wouldn't be who I am without her. If it wasn't for her kindness and her thrill for teasing me, I think I'd be sitting along that pine tree all year long. Getting worse in middle school, and probably a complete 180 of who I am now. She is the closest to a girlfriend I have ever had, despite indeed having one brief moment of that feeling as a freshman.
As you can read, I've been beaten, picked on, elbowed, and even poked. But after all of these came a smile.
Amber carried me through a very tough time in my life. This is a testament to the kind of person she is. I could have been thrown to the wayside like Josh and Ryan - the other two new kids in our class that year. But she had a soft side for me that was not shown to anyone else that year. That made me feel very happy inside, and I can't thank her enough.
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