Cutter's Log - Final Entry
On April 28, 2005 I gave myself a small birthday preent. Something similar to what I got on April 28, 1998. It was a writing platform. One where I could write to myself and remind myself of things down the road.
The turning-12 present was a hardcover journal. We didn't have a computer back then. Within that journal - which I still have in my attic somewhere - I was able to write down the experiences and memories I had with the first girl I really had a crush on. This was fifth grade. I wrote about the kiss on the cheek. I wrote about the smiles back and forth throughout a certain day. I wrote about an unforgettable field trip to Galena. That and other random fifth-grade memories. That journal became a part of my backburner in sixth grade, and I didn't write in it after that.
The journal kept floating around in my bedroom during high school, unused. One month before high school graduation, I wanted to create a reminder of the steps I took toward adulthood. Only this time, I had access to a computer.
That's when #35's Waste of Space was born.
The number 35 was my football number. The Blog platform was free with the platform that I had used at the time with the Northern Illinois Sports Beat message boards. It had a black background with a geen text box. That lasted until advertising infested that platform, and the move was made to this platform you are looking at today.
This blog was more than about the transitions from adolesence to adulthood. It became a haven for all of the moments when I was down: Being out of work for 7 months, my car accident, my weight loss battles, and my stuggles with connecting with that girlfriend.
Most recently I began writing about overcoming social anxiety. What I have much to improve on, I seem to be getting a little better at coversations, small talk, and consulting other people in person about my most deepest concerns.
I look at it as a theraputic process to get my to open up more.
I've been writing here in place of talking to people. That stops now.
This will be my final post in #35's Waste of Space. It's been a geat eight-year run. But I need to be telling my concerns to others verbally - and not just writing it in here HOPING someone will read it.
To know more about me, you can add me as a friend on Facebook.
Sometimes the pressure to write will come, and I'll do so through Facebook notes.
I don't like to make these things precise, but it goes against the therapy I need in order to open up and communicate more.
Until then, Thank You for all of your support through the years. And I hop to chat with you soon.
Cody
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
A Word About Commitment
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.62.80
Current Song - Stone In Love (Journey)
On this Monday afternoon, I wrote a couple of articles for NISB that should have been written last week. One was about the Pecatonica football team, and another was about a golfer from Rockford East.
I put the Pecatonica story up for immediate release, while saving the golfer article for a Friday release. In addition, I have a cross country story to be released on Tuesday.
Due up is a short story on the IHSA's monthly board meeting, as well as another golf article. Those will be written tomorrow afternoon before heading to a cross country event later that day.
Spreading the stories out over a day or two with automated release dates makes it easier for me to spend time on other things, rather than taking a good chunk of the day working on pieces and pieces of articles.
I thought it would be easier for me to set aside a day or two out of the week to devote to the mass writings of articles, maybe three our four at a time, then putting them up on the automated release schedule. That way, I have more days free.
For 10 years I have put in a lot of commitment toward operating a high school sports website. Some say not enough. Some day way too much commitment. The latter is what has been on my mind in the past year or so.
I experienced first hand how such a level of commitment can take time away from things that are important.
***
I remember when the most important thing on my mind (before this sports stuff) was trying to experience the feeling of loving a girl who loved me. This was back in middle school, 12-15 years ago.
Many of my friends that I would sit next to during lunch had that girl that they were "going out with." Since my friends were experiencing this feeling, I wanted to experience it also. As much as I tried, and as much as I showed, that never happened.
Into high school, I was 0-for in all four Homecomings and all four Proms. I never had a girlfriend. Right about the time my sophomore year hit, I was one of the first to engage in a real office job. I had my own office at Prep Sports Online as a sophomore in high school. It wasn't too long after that when I made the decision to turn this high school sports job into the career of mine.
As I was committed more with high school sports, I was less committed toward building relationships with girls and thus engaging in boyfriend-girlfriend acivity. I seemed to always be too busy for a girlfriend. Perhaps that's why I never came close to having one. Perhaps the biggest turnoff about me was that I spent too much time with high school sports, and I was thus going to suck as a boyfriend.
More than a decade has passed since I went to middle school. Many of my classmates are now married with kids. Those who aren't married are either engaged, have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or have dated at least once in the lives.
Me? I'm still at the starting line.
Those classmates whom I can't remember ever having girlfriends in high school (and were in the same boat as myself) are now getting married. They, too, had careers and such and somehow also found the time for a girlfriend.
I'm sitting back thinking about where the heck I went wrong in this whole deal.
I used to think it was because of my deficencies: being overweight, being shy, being Autistic, being quiet, etc. It's really because I've never had time to set aside for relationships.
I mention all of this because recently I met a girl that I really like. In the past 16 years of searching for that feeling of love, this is my closest experience yet. It's made me think back to all of the previous times I came close to have no cigar.
Knowing now that the only way to make good on this opportunity is to cut back on my commitment to sports.
I already made plans to do that over this past summer.
***
If relationships were a ladder, each milestone represents a rung on the ladder. The top is marriage. The bottom is the simple acknowlegement that you two are a couple. I'm still on the floor because I can't quite figure it out.
It's no surprise that I make my feelings known when it comes to not experiencing that feeling of love. Because of this, I think many girls try to put a label on me that I am desperate and am immediately looking to catch up to where my friends are at on that relationship ladder.
The fact is: All I'm looking for is that feeling of having someone I really love really love me in return. This is what many people experience in middle school. That's all I'm looking for right now. And to see where things go from there.
***
I kno that there have been times when I've been in the running when it comes to "do I like Cody, or him?" I don't know who has made me a "finalist" of sorts, but ...
WAIT! Scratch everything!
It seems when I talk relationships, I seem tot think of it rhough my personal benefit and not really theirs. That's not what I want. We've all had "first girlfriends" in our lives, and the longer the wait, we are more likely to get up and celebrate as if we won the World Series. It does absolutely nothing to the one I love.
No, that's not me. I promise that it will not be how I will act.
It seems that no one will know who I'll act when I find my first girlfriend, or what to do, or how I will treat her. That's because I have no paper trail. People like to make assumptions about what I will do and how I will treat her. People think that I will not do a good job based on experience, and by doing so they pretty much cast me out to oblivion to be alone forever. People like to think that since I'm a late-bloomer at all of this, that I will cling onto them when they no longer want me (I would NEVER do that!).
I have to ask myself if the girls I like require a pre-requisite of me having dated previously before any consideration. Does this mean that it's safer for me to date someone who's never dated before?
Either way, I know what I will offer. That is this ...
I PROMISE I WILL
-Not be a freeloader, and will do my part.
-Keep cash money with me at all times when I'm with you, so that you get what you want.
-Cut back my sports commitments to spend more time and dedication to you; making you my new main interest.
-Give my love to you and only you.
-Respect all of your needs and wishes.
-To not just dedicate myself to you, but to your family as well.
-Be there for you when you need it and be a reliable resource for you, always.
-Help make life for you better, and your goals and wishes attainable.
-Not pull a cruel joke on you, but something you'll enjoy.
-Treat your friends with the same respect I treat you.
-Do something with you every week, or every day, and at the same time give you the space you need.
-Not make an ass out of myself, as this would reflect on the both of us - which I don't want.
-Think of things as not just beleficial to me, but for us.
-THINK WE more than THINK ME.
-Maintain a healthier lifestyle, as to not put a burden to you because of the things I like to eat.
-Say "her and I" and not "me and her."
-Devote my income to us, and not just me.
-Let you do your things, if you'll do the same for me.
-Pick up around the house when needed.
-Improve my cooking skills from grilled cheese sandwiches on up.
-Be active.
-Find something new every day to make me love you more.
-Abide by the truth that is "Your body, your rules."
-Abide by the fact that everything I do is done as a representative of us as a couple. As the things I do would reflect on the both of us.
-Learn when you teach me right from wrong, the first time.
-Love you with all my heart.
Current Song - Stone In Love (Journey)
On this Monday afternoon, I wrote a couple of articles for NISB that should have been written last week. One was about the Pecatonica football team, and another was about a golfer from Rockford East.
I put the Pecatonica story up for immediate release, while saving the golfer article for a Friday release. In addition, I have a cross country story to be released on Tuesday.
Due up is a short story on the IHSA's monthly board meeting, as well as another golf article. Those will be written tomorrow afternoon before heading to a cross country event later that day.
Spreading the stories out over a day or two with automated release dates makes it easier for me to spend time on other things, rather than taking a good chunk of the day working on pieces and pieces of articles.
I thought it would be easier for me to set aside a day or two out of the week to devote to the mass writings of articles, maybe three our four at a time, then putting them up on the automated release schedule. That way, I have more days free.
For 10 years I have put in a lot of commitment toward operating a high school sports website. Some say not enough. Some day way too much commitment. The latter is what has been on my mind in the past year or so.
I experienced first hand how such a level of commitment can take time away from things that are important.
***
I remember when the most important thing on my mind (before this sports stuff) was trying to experience the feeling of loving a girl who loved me. This was back in middle school, 12-15 years ago.
Many of my friends that I would sit next to during lunch had that girl that they were "going out with." Since my friends were experiencing this feeling, I wanted to experience it also. As much as I tried, and as much as I showed, that never happened.
Into high school, I was 0-for in all four Homecomings and all four Proms. I never had a girlfriend. Right about the time my sophomore year hit, I was one of the first to engage in a real office job. I had my own office at Prep Sports Online as a sophomore in high school. It wasn't too long after that when I made the decision to turn this high school sports job into the career of mine.
As I was committed more with high school sports, I was less committed toward building relationships with girls and thus engaging in boyfriend-girlfriend acivity. I seemed to always be too busy for a girlfriend. Perhaps that's why I never came close to having one. Perhaps the biggest turnoff about me was that I spent too much time with high school sports, and I was thus going to suck as a boyfriend.
More than a decade has passed since I went to middle school. Many of my classmates are now married with kids. Those who aren't married are either engaged, have a girlfriend/boyfriend, or have dated at least once in the lives.
Me? I'm still at the starting line.
Those classmates whom I can't remember ever having girlfriends in high school (and were in the same boat as myself) are now getting married. They, too, had careers and such and somehow also found the time for a girlfriend.
I'm sitting back thinking about where the heck I went wrong in this whole deal.
I used to think it was because of my deficencies: being overweight, being shy, being Autistic, being quiet, etc. It's really because I've never had time to set aside for relationships.
I mention all of this because recently I met a girl that I really like. In the past 16 years of searching for that feeling of love, this is my closest experience yet. It's made me think back to all of the previous times I came close to have no cigar.
Knowing now that the only way to make good on this opportunity is to cut back on my commitment to sports.
I already made plans to do that over this past summer.
***
If relationships were a ladder, each milestone represents a rung on the ladder. The top is marriage. The bottom is the simple acknowlegement that you two are a couple. I'm still on the floor because I can't quite figure it out.
It's no surprise that I make my feelings known when it comes to not experiencing that feeling of love. Because of this, I think many girls try to put a label on me that I am desperate and am immediately looking to catch up to where my friends are at on that relationship ladder.
The fact is: All I'm looking for is that feeling of having someone I really love really love me in return. This is what many people experience in middle school. That's all I'm looking for right now. And to see where things go from there.
***
I kno that there have been times when I've been in the running when it comes to "do I like Cody, or him?" I don't know who has made me a "finalist" of sorts, but ...
WAIT! Scratch everything!
It seems when I talk relationships, I seem tot think of it rhough my personal benefit and not really theirs. That's not what I want. We've all had "first girlfriends" in our lives, and the longer the wait, we are more likely to get up and celebrate as if we won the World Series. It does absolutely nothing to the one I love.
No, that's not me. I promise that it will not be how I will act.
It seems that no one will know who I'll act when I find my first girlfriend, or what to do, or how I will treat her. That's because I have no paper trail. People like to make assumptions about what I will do and how I will treat her. People think that I will not do a good job based on experience, and by doing so they pretty much cast me out to oblivion to be alone forever. People like to think that since I'm a late-bloomer at all of this, that I will cling onto them when they no longer want me (I would NEVER do that!).
I have to ask myself if the girls I like require a pre-requisite of me having dated previously before any consideration. Does this mean that it's safer for me to date someone who's never dated before?
Either way, I know what I will offer. That is this ...
I PROMISE I WILL
-Not be a freeloader, and will do my part.
-Keep cash money with me at all times when I'm with you, so that you get what you want.
-Cut back my sports commitments to spend more time and dedication to you; making you my new main interest.
-Give my love to you and only you.
-Respect all of your needs and wishes.
-To not just dedicate myself to you, but to your family as well.
-Be there for you when you need it and be a reliable resource for you, always.
-Help make life for you better, and your goals and wishes attainable.
-Not pull a cruel joke on you, but something you'll enjoy.
-Treat your friends with the same respect I treat you.
-Do something with you every week, or every day, and at the same time give you the space you need.
-Not make an ass out of myself, as this would reflect on the both of us - which I don't want.
-Think of things as not just beleficial to me, but for us.
-THINK WE more than THINK ME.
-Maintain a healthier lifestyle, as to not put a burden to you because of the things I like to eat.
-Say "her and I" and not "me and her."
-Devote my income to us, and not just me.
-Let you do your things, if you'll do the same for me.
-Pick up around the house when needed.
-Improve my cooking skills from grilled cheese sandwiches on up.
-Be active.
-Find something new every day to make me love you more.
-Abide by the truth that is "Your body, your rules."
-Abide by the fact that everything I do is done as a representative of us as a couple. As the things I do would reflect on the both of us.
-Learn when you teach me right from wrong, the first time.
-Love you with all my heart.
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