Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.42.70
Current Song - Treasure (Bruno Mars)
Previous series entries: Filling An Empty Heart --- Filling An Empty Heart (Part I) --- Filling An Empty Heart (Part II)
It has been about two months since I last strolled on over to the bench at 14th Avenue Park at night. I would go over there, stare at the moon and talk to God about fulfilling one of life's most cherished feelings. The one that just hasn't happened yet.
I last left wanting to find a way to strengthen and maintain friendships. Since then I'd like to think that I have a new friend in the mix. Wait, I do. It's a woman.
With this woman, I have been able to snap a couple of long streaks: I hadn't been invited over for a cookout or a gathering at someone's place in eight years (and outside of graduation parties, in about 16 years). I hadn't made my way over to someone's house on my own accord in about 14 years. A girl hadn't hugged me on her own accord in about eight years, I think.
The cookout was special because she had only invited a FEW of her friends over, and I was one of them.
She had a bonfire at her place. Her and a few of her friends. She posted on Facebook a message saying "who else wants to join?" or something like that. I decided to take it upon myself to head over there. There was something I wanted to tell her (a matter of concern), and it turned into a great gathering. When she noticed that I had arrived, there was this inital state of confusion - but that was followed quickly by a hand-across-the-shoulder feeling. I answered with one of my own.
Courage, huh?
It's weird that I only met her just a couple of days before my first trip to the park bench to talk to God about this kind of stuff.
All I can do is keep preaching all things positive. I am a nice person. I am a gentle person. I know what respect is. She has given me quite a bit in my life, and I feel that I can only thank her by doing several things for her.
I love her. I really do.
Of course there are many obstacles in the way. That's the kind of thinking that goes with wanting to plow my way toward a relationship. But you just CANNOT plow your way into a relationship.
I'm not going to as far as to say "I want a relationship with her," but rather, "let's see where this goes and make a decision afterward." Do I really want one with her? Sure. Am I going to force it? No.
I think back to my 7th grade crush and the several large leaps that I took that pretty much wound up scaring her. I also think back to the girl that liked me when I was a freshman, and how that "relationship" never worked out because she was jumping way too far over me. You learn from your mistakes, and I intend to do just that in this case.
When it comes to interests, the friendship between her and I don't quite rank among those of other girls that I've liked in the past. It used to be that I wouldn't think about wanting to try something new. However, this is something that I'm sort of willing to learn all about.
I love her. I really do.
Keep on keeping on ...
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Some Things Better Off Unwritten
Cutter's Log - Special Entry
When I started #35's Waste of Space in April 2005, it was pretty much a public platform for venting about whatever bugged me. I was about to graduate from high school, and the Blog's purpose was to also document life as an adult.
Documenting this growing-up process involved writing about my profession of journalism, my academic struggles, my Autism, my work experiences, and perhaps more prominently my love life. Sprinkled in the mix were other things that had nothing to do with me, but about typical "blog" items such as opinions on certain subjects (as opposed to this being a "journal" of sorts).
When I started this Blog, there weren't too many people I could share the sensitive side of things with. In fact, there weren't any at all. I was simply too nervous to come up front to people personally about things such as my love life. These people also meant my family, whom one would think would be the FIRST place to go to in matters such as that. I didn't have any true "friend" whom was commonplace around me to share such feelings to.
So I pretty much wrote in this Blog hoping that someone out there somewhere would read it and discuss these things with me. I've had plenty of feedback when it comes to the minor subjects, as well as the typical offering, on here.
The productivity of this Blog slowed down around this past April.
I was going pretty well in my diet when I felt a feeling that I had not felt in a long time: Some girl was meaning a lot to me. For the first time in this Blog's existance, there was that someone whom I felt like I could string up something with to promote this from an acquaintanceship to a friendship, and ultimately to a relationship.
This girl made me want to seriously reconsider relearning the game of love. So I thought and studied long and hard about it. I couldn't stop thinking about her and how I wanted to approach this during my camping trip in late April.
Eventually this girl kind of drifted away in my mind, but she was the one that made me want to know what all of this was like.
On the Monday I came back from the camping trip, I first laid eyes upon the girl I like at the moment.
Scratch that -- The girl I LOVE at the moment. She eventually became that after a little while.
With her, I have experienced feelings that I have not felt since Amber fooled around with me in 5th grade. That was 16 years ago. And then another drought was broken: I went to her house for a visit. For 16 long years, I had NEVER been able to accomplish so much with anyone than I have with this girl in two months.
With that being said, I am at a critical point right now.
I have used this Blog to share my personal experiences about things, as well as the challenges that my life presents to the Autistic person that is me.
However, I am at a point right now where I feel that it is wise to NOT publicly share my experiences in dealing with this momentous feeling of love. I feel that sharing them will ultimately ruin whatever I have accomplished with her (read: she could read all of this and find it gross).
Devoted readers of my Blog know that all I want is to find happiness, and that I'd rather share it through love. I am working on making this happening right now. However, I feel it is best to keep these problems, issues, obstacles, conversations, etc. to those that I know well, such as my family.
If it is all a failure, of course I'll be writing about these experiences after-the-fact. If it is all an official reality, I'll make the announcement.
For now, though, I am documenting this journey in my head and sharing it carefully. This journey is something that I need to try to accomplish on my own if at all possible, and I will give it my all to make sure my dreams come true.
So if I don't have too much to write about on here after today, now you'll know why.
I just hope for the best.
When I started #35's Waste of Space in April 2005, it was pretty much a public platform for venting about whatever bugged me. I was about to graduate from high school, and the Blog's purpose was to also document life as an adult.
Documenting this growing-up process involved writing about my profession of journalism, my academic struggles, my Autism, my work experiences, and perhaps more prominently my love life. Sprinkled in the mix were other things that had nothing to do with me, but about typical "blog" items such as opinions on certain subjects (as opposed to this being a "journal" of sorts).
When I started this Blog, there weren't too many people I could share the sensitive side of things with. In fact, there weren't any at all. I was simply too nervous to come up front to people personally about things such as my love life. These people also meant my family, whom one would think would be the FIRST place to go to in matters such as that. I didn't have any true "friend" whom was commonplace around me to share such feelings to.
So I pretty much wrote in this Blog hoping that someone out there somewhere would read it and discuss these things with me. I've had plenty of feedback when it comes to the minor subjects, as well as the typical offering, on here.
The productivity of this Blog slowed down around this past April.
I was going pretty well in my diet when I felt a feeling that I had not felt in a long time: Some girl was meaning a lot to me. For the first time in this Blog's existance, there was that someone whom I felt like I could string up something with to promote this from an acquaintanceship to a friendship, and ultimately to a relationship.
This girl made me want to seriously reconsider relearning the game of love. So I thought and studied long and hard about it. I couldn't stop thinking about her and how I wanted to approach this during my camping trip in late April.
Eventually this girl kind of drifted away in my mind, but she was the one that made me want to know what all of this was like.
On the Monday I came back from the camping trip, I first laid eyes upon the girl I like at the moment.
Scratch that -- The girl I LOVE at the moment. She eventually became that after a little while.
With her, I have experienced feelings that I have not felt since Amber fooled around with me in 5th grade. That was 16 years ago. And then another drought was broken: I went to her house for a visit. For 16 long years, I had NEVER been able to accomplish so much with anyone than I have with this girl in two months.
With that being said, I am at a critical point right now.
I have used this Blog to share my personal experiences about things, as well as the challenges that my life presents to the Autistic person that is me.
However, I am at a point right now where I feel that it is wise to NOT publicly share my experiences in dealing with this momentous feeling of love. I feel that sharing them will ultimately ruin whatever I have accomplished with her (read: she could read all of this and find it gross).
Devoted readers of my Blog know that all I want is to find happiness, and that I'd rather share it through love. I am working on making this happening right now. However, I feel it is best to keep these problems, issues, obstacles, conversations, etc. to those that I know well, such as my family.
If it is all a failure, of course I'll be writing about these experiences after-the-fact. If it is all an official reality, I'll make the announcement.
For now, though, I am documenting this journey in my head and sharing it carefully. This journey is something that I need to try to accomplish on my own if at all possible, and I will give it my all to make sure my dreams come true.
So if I don't have too much to write about on here after today, now you'll know why.
I just hope for the best.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Restoring What Was Once Mine
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.70.70
Current Song - Sweet Lullaby (Deep Forest)
Two books of my 27-year life exist. The turning point is sometime in 1997.
Before that, there was a sort of magic that existed in me. One that made me able to get along with just about anyone, and have so much fun doing it. I could run around and talk. Given the fact that I had Asperger's, which is meant to make socialization extremely challenging, the environment around me was able to swat that away.
Then when we had to leave that environment, the challenges were just too much. I acted like a sitting duck pretty much, with extreme shyness becoming my undoing within the social circles. It wasn't completely destroyed, but there wasn't that magic I once had.
For 16 years, I felt like that socialization magic I once had was sealed and buried somewhere.
When I was down, I'd try to go back and find that magic once again. That involved crossing the bridge.
***
In order to give you an idea of what my better times were like, I'd have to describe my old neighborhood.
I lived at 415 3rd Avenue in Rock Falls. The house was on the northwest corner of the intersection of 3rd Avenue and West 5th Street.
West 5th was a semi-busy street (and I think is considered part of a county highway). 3rd Avenue was covered with tall trees, with a mix of older, two-story frame or brick houses.
But what made the neighborhood special was all of the kids that ran around it.
On the 400 block of 3rd Avenue alone there were 4 Cutters, 2 Smiths, 3 Williams, 2 Risleys, 3 Limonds and 3 Mattoxes = 17. At any given time between me and Michael, there was at least one neighborhood kid over at our place every day it seemed like. Smiths and Williams moved away before we did in 1997. In my class alone there was me, Jared, Stephanie Risley and Mason Mattox.
Going to the school to play wasn't much of a possibility when you had at least 20 kids around you at any given time, thus I didn't always play there. All of that is also not factoring in my bikerides to other friends's houses.
I had a very open backyard with only a couple of trees along 5th Street and a garage at the alley, which made for a great backyard baseball place. The alley served as a central artery of sorts between all of our backyards (including Hay's, Fragd's and Claudin's south of us), as there were a couple of houses that had no kids (and thus didn't cross those backyards). The alley did a little uphill as it let out on 4th Street, and that was where I'd make my way to and from the 1st and 10 sports shop near 2nd and 2nd.
Next door to Pinkstons (north of) is a larger house that served as apartments ("Home With a Heart" I think it was called). It had a larger yard which was covered by a low tree, and that served as a cut-across to 2nd Avenue. From Pinkston's garage to the 2nd Avenue sidewalk was a stone wall that was flat across the top. I used to walk on it and run down the edge where the flat top curved downward to the sidewalk.
Perhaps one of the hot spots on our block was Hardy's basketball hoop between Berogan's and Pinkston's. It sat along the alley and stood on a pole. We'd play with it when his friends (he was much older) weren't there. When baseball or basketball wasn't the thing, it was either the Sega Genesis or the Super Nintendo.
I also think of of the things that made this neighborhood a little closer than most was that most of us were not allowed to cross the extremely-busy 1st Avenue. I would cross it, but only to get my parents items from White Hen Pantry (later Grand Pantry). This kind of bounded most of us and we become closer that way.
It was really a great environment to grow up in.
I had three classmates within houses from me in Rock Falls (Jared, Stephanie and Mason), plus the Nance kids not too far away on 4th Avenue. Langley's (Dennis) was two blocks away, Davis's (Brendyn) was two blocks away, Wade's (Ashley) was two blocks away. Insley's (Dan) was three blocks away, and Yenney's (Keelin) was three blocks away.
When I moved to Sterling, the nearest classmate to me was three blocks away (Sam Snitchler), with Sierra Skaff not too far away at three blocks away. Natasha Stewart and Stephanie Carter were five blocks away. The nearest male classmate was Brandon Frey (only for a little while, and five blocks away), and then Mo Spatz (six blocks). Later on, Rick Stone lived in (again, only for a little while) the same house Brandon once lived in
Needless to say, I was pretty much isolated from everyone else. The same couldn't be said of my younger brothers. It just wasn't the same for me, and I kind of felt lonely.
***
Not too long ago, I made a visit to a friend's house in the southwest side of Rock Falls near the middle school. It was late, about 10 p.m., and all of her kids were still awake and playing in the front yard. Me, her and her boyfriend were trying to fix her car at the same time with all of these kids running around. Then came a couple of neighborhood kids over to play, and one asked to spend the night.
Five kids between the ages of 3 and 12, plus a little dog, were all over the front yard late at night. At one point, we got out some baby power to sprinkle on the belt to make sure it was alright. Then the kids got into it and it was all over us adults. She was throwing some at her kids, and they were throwing some at her.
It was about 1 a.m. when it was all said and done. I couldn't help but think of my days back on 3rd Avenue seeing all of this. I wound up doing more reminiscing than working on the car to be honest.
This was my second trip to her place in the past few days. The first was for a 4th of July bonfire in which we later threw spray cans into the fire to create some loud booms. It was 4-5 in the morning when we did all of that, and waking up the neighbors in the process.
When I sat around the others in front of the bonfire, I could only speak in concurrences ("sure," "yeah," "I think so too.") and not really draw out a whole topic of conversation. I only knew one other person there, and that is a clerk from the Rt. 30 Shell station. So that kind of helped me a little bit.
I actually crashed that bonfire. She made a call for people to come on over to her place, and I showed up. I'm the last person she probably expected to come over. Normally I wouldn't do this, as my shyness which had progressed through the years would prevent me from it all. But I did want to talk to her about something, thus my reason for actually going over there and thus smashing the shynbess barrier.
Then a few days later, she finds out that I'm bored and invites me over. I come back home with clothes dotted in baby powder.
In 16 years at Sterling, I don't think I've ever had a social spurt quite like this one. I think it is important to say that all of this happened at Rock Falls. I can only hope it will continue. She invited me to come along with her, her boyfriend and her kids to the fireworks in Walnut. But I have to work tonight.
By the way, she is one of my co-workers. Only two or three of them before have been able to get me to continually yap at them while working.
This is awesome. It really is.
Perhaps if these things continue, I'll be able to regain the social abilities that I once had before 16 years ago. It'll be like finding my inner Rock Falls kid in me once again - only a grown-up, adult version of it as if I went to school at RFMS and RFHS in an alternate timeline.
Keep on keepin on!
Current Song - Sweet Lullaby (Deep Forest)
Two books of my 27-year life exist. The turning point is sometime in 1997.
Before that, there was a sort of magic that existed in me. One that made me able to get along with just about anyone, and have so much fun doing it. I could run around and talk. Given the fact that I had Asperger's, which is meant to make socialization extremely challenging, the environment around me was able to swat that away.
Then when we had to leave that environment, the challenges were just too much. I acted like a sitting duck pretty much, with extreme shyness becoming my undoing within the social circles. It wasn't completely destroyed, but there wasn't that magic I once had.
For 16 years, I felt like that socialization magic I once had was sealed and buried somewhere.
When I was down, I'd try to go back and find that magic once again. That involved crossing the bridge.
***
In order to give you an idea of what my better times were like, I'd have to describe my old neighborhood.
I lived at 415 3rd Avenue in Rock Falls. The house was on the northwest corner of the intersection of 3rd Avenue and West 5th Street.
West 5th was a semi-busy street (and I think is considered part of a county highway). 3rd Avenue was covered with tall trees, with a mix of older, two-story frame or brick houses.
But what made the neighborhood special was all of the kids that ran around it.
On the 400 block of 3rd Avenue alone there were 4 Cutters, 2 Smiths, 3 Williams, 2 Risleys, 3 Limonds and 3 Mattoxes = 17. At any given time between me and Michael, there was at least one neighborhood kid over at our place every day it seemed like. Smiths and Williams moved away before we did in 1997. In my class alone there was me, Jared, Stephanie Risley and Mason Mattox.
Going to the school to play wasn't much of a possibility when you had at least 20 kids around you at any given time, thus I didn't always play there. All of that is also not factoring in my bikerides to other friends's houses.
I had a very open backyard with only a couple of trees along 5th Street and a garage at the alley, which made for a great backyard baseball place. The alley served as a central artery of sorts between all of our backyards (including Hay's, Fragd's and Claudin's south of us), as there were a couple of houses that had no kids (and thus didn't cross those backyards). The alley did a little uphill as it let out on 4th Street, and that was where I'd make my way to and from the 1st and 10 sports shop near 2nd and 2nd.
Next door to Pinkstons (north of) is a larger house that served as apartments ("Home With a Heart" I think it was called). It had a larger yard which was covered by a low tree, and that served as a cut-across to 2nd Avenue. From Pinkston's garage to the 2nd Avenue sidewalk was a stone wall that was flat across the top. I used to walk on it and run down the edge where the flat top curved downward to the sidewalk.
Perhaps one of the hot spots on our block was Hardy's basketball hoop between Berogan's and Pinkston's. It sat along the alley and stood on a pole. We'd play with it when his friends (he was much older) weren't there. When baseball or basketball wasn't the thing, it was either the Sega Genesis or the Super Nintendo.
I also think of of the things that made this neighborhood a little closer than most was that most of us were not allowed to cross the extremely-busy 1st Avenue. I would cross it, but only to get my parents items from White Hen Pantry (later Grand Pantry). This kind of bounded most of us and we become closer that way.
It was really a great environment to grow up in.
I had three classmates within houses from me in Rock Falls (Jared, Stephanie and Mason), plus the Nance kids not too far away on 4th Avenue. Langley's (Dennis) was two blocks away, Davis's (Brendyn) was two blocks away, Wade's (Ashley) was two blocks away. Insley's (Dan) was three blocks away, and Yenney's (Keelin) was three blocks away.
When I moved to Sterling, the nearest classmate to me was three blocks away (Sam Snitchler), with Sierra Skaff not too far away at three blocks away. Natasha Stewart and Stephanie Carter were five blocks away. The nearest male classmate was Brandon Frey (only for a little while, and five blocks away), and then Mo Spatz (six blocks). Later on, Rick Stone lived in (again, only for a little while) the same house Brandon once lived in
Needless to say, I was pretty much isolated from everyone else. The same couldn't be said of my younger brothers. It just wasn't the same for me, and I kind of felt lonely.
***
Not too long ago, I made a visit to a friend's house in the southwest side of Rock Falls near the middle school. It was late, about 10 p.m., and all of her kids were still awake and playing in the front yard. Me, her and her boyfriend were trying to fix her car at the same time with all of these kids running around. Then came a couple of neighborhood kids over to play, and one asked to spend the night.
Five kids between the ages of 3 and 12, plus a little dog, were all over the front yard late at night. At one point, we got out some baby power to sprinkle on the belt to make sure it was alright. Then the kids got into it and it was all over us adults. She was throwing some at her kids, and they were throwing some at her.
It was about 1 a.m. when it was all said and done. I couldn't help but think of my days back on 3rd Avenue seeing all of this. I wound up doing more reminiscing than working on the car to be honest.
This was my second trip to her place in the past few days. The first was for a 4th of July bonfire in which we later threw spray cans into the fire to create some loud booms. It was 4-5 in the morning when we did all of that, and waking up the neighbors in the process.
When I sat around the others in front of the bonfire, I could only speak in concurrences ("sure," "yeah," "I think so too.") and not really draw out a whole topic of conversation. I only knew one other person there, and that is a clerk from the Rt. 30 Shell station. So that kind of helped me a little bit.
I actually crashed that bonfire. She made a call for people to come on over to her place, and I showed up. I'm the last person she probably expected to come over. Normally I wouldn't do this, as my shyness which had progressed through the years would prevent me from it all. But I did want to talk to her about something, thus my reason for actually going over there and thus smashing the shynbess barrier.
Then a few days later, she finds out that I'm bored and invites me over. I come back home with clothes dotted in baby powder.
In 16 years at Sterling, I don't think I've ever had a social spurt quite like this one. I think it is important to say that all of this happened at Rock Falls. I can only hope it will continue. She invited me to come along with her, her boyfriend and her kids to the fireworks in Walnut. But I have to work tonight.
By the way, she is one of my co-workers. Only two or three of them before have been able to get me to continually yap at them while working.
This is awesome. It really is.
Perhaps if these things continue, I'll be able to regain the social abilities that I once had before 16 years ago. It'll be like finding my inner Rock Falls kid in me once again - only a grown-up, adult version of it as if I went to school at RFMS and RFHS in an alternate timeline.
Keep on keepin on!
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