Some Things Better Off Unwritten

Cutter's Log - Special Entry

When I started #35's Waste of Space in April 2005, it was pretty much a public platform for venting about whatever bugged me. I was about to graduate from high school, and the Blog's purpose was to also document life as an adult.

Documenting this growing-up process involved writing about my profession of journalism, my academic struggles, my Autism, my work experiences, and perhaps more prominently my love life. Sprinkled in the mix were other things that had nothing to do with me, but about typical "blog" items such as opinions on certain subjects (as opposed to this being a "journal" of sorts).

When I started this Blog, there weren't too many people I could share the sensitive side of things with. In fact, there weren't any at all. I was simply too nervous to come up front to people personally about things such as my love life. These people also meant my family, whom one would think would be the FIRST place to go to in matters such as that. I didn't have any true "friend" whom was commonplace around me to share such feelings to.

So I pretty much wrote in this Blog hoping that someone out there somewhere would read it and discuss these things with me. I've had plenty of feedback when it comes to the minor subjects, as well as the typical offering, on here.

The productivity of this Blog slowed down around this past April.

I was going pretty well in my diet when I felt a feeling that I had not felt in a long time: Some girl was meaning a lot to me. For the first time in this Blog's existance, there was that someone whom I felt like I could string up something with to promote this from an acquaintanceship to a friendship, and ultimately to a relationship.

This girl made me want to seriously reconsider relearning the game of love. So I thought and studied long and hard about it. I couldn't stop thinking about her and how I wanted to approach this during my camping trip in late April.

Eventually this girl kind of drifted away in my mind, but she was the one that made me want to know what all of this was like.

On the Monday I came back from the camping trip, I first laid eyes upon the girl I like at the moment.

Scratch that -- The girl I LOVE at the moment. She eventually became that after a little while.

With her, I have experienced feelings that I have not felt since Amber fooled around with me in 5th grade. That was 16 years ago. And then another drought was broken: I went to her house for a visit. For 16 long years, I had NEVER been able to accomplish so much with anyone than I have with this girl in two months.

With that being said, I am at a critical point right now.

I have used this Blog to share my personal experiences about things, as well as the challenges that my life presents to the Autistic person that is me.

However, I am at a point right now where I feel that it is wise to NOT publicly share my experiences in dealing with this momentous feeling of love. I feel that sharing them will ultimately ruin whatever I have accomplished with her (read: she could read all of this and find it gross).

Devoted readers of my Blog know that all I want is to find happiness, and that I'd rather share it through love. I am working on making this happening right now. However, I feel it is best to keep these problems, issues, obstacles, conversations, etc. to those that I know well, such as my family.

If it is all a failure, of course I'll be writing about these experiences after-the-fact. If it is all an official reality, I'll make the announcement.

For now, though, I am documenting this journey in my head and sharing it carefully. This journey is something that I need to try to accomplish on my own if at all possible, and I will give it my all to make sure my dreams come true.

So if I don't have too much to write about on here after today, now you'll know why.

I just hope for the best.