It's been several years
And they have moved on
But they still linger
Two girls I loved
I loved them, loved them, loved them
They kept my feelings alive
When I was down, they were there
But only just in my mind
Away from me they are
Want no more of me
But I won't forget
Two girls I loved
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Getting Back on Track
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.81.70
Current Song - Jazzman (Carole King)
After feeling down the past couple of days, I'm trying to work my way back up to feeling alright.
I decided to plan a drive along the county on Saturday morning. I figured it would keep me off of being worried somewhat. I looked at an 1872 county map and noticed all of the schools dotted. So I wanted to find these schools (if they were still up) and take pictures of them.
I think I have now been on every road in Whiteside County. I traveled the northern section before feeling tired from all of the driving. Most of what I found were either not there anymore, or fully converted into houses with additions to make them look unrecognizable. One near the flood plain near Fulton is now a little farm garage.
Probably the one that I was in awe of was one that lay in absolute ruins. It is on the corner of Capp and Lake Roads just north of Rockwood Park. The chimney is barely standing, and all the wood is piled on the ground and rotting. It lies in a bunch of overgrown weeds. I'm not sure what this school is called.
After telling my brother during dinner about what I was doing all of the morning, I got sick all of a sudden. It was bad enough where I couldn't sleep and was trying to fight it off.
The sickness necessitated only the second call-off from work in the three years I have been there. After perfect attendance in 2010, there will be no such honor for 2011. But I just couldn't work in the given condition. Even worse is the amount of money I DIDN'T make today. That's when it hits you. But I just couldn't work in it.
At this time (Monday, 1:30 a.m.) I feel alright. I go back to work at 5:00 p.m. When I get home, I'll probably start on getting the sleep cycle back on track.
Current Song - Jazzman (Carole King)
After feeling down the past couple of days, I'm trying to work my way back up to feeling alright.
I decided to plan a drive along the county on Saturday morning. I figured it would keep me off of being worried somewhat. I looked at an 1872 county map and noticed all of the schools dotted. So I wanted to find these schools (if they were still up) and take pictures of them.
I think I have now been on every road in Whiteside County. I traveled the northern section before feeling tired from all of the driving. Most of what I found were either not there anymore, or fully converted into houses with additions to make them look unrecognizable. One near the flood plain near Fulton is now a little farm garage.
Probably the one that I was in awe of was one that lay in absolute ruins. It is on the corner of Capp and Lake Roads just north of Rockwood Park. The chimney is barely standing, and all the wood is piled on the ground and rotting. It lies in a bunch of overgrown weeds. I'm not sure what this school is called.
After telling my brother during dinner about what I was doing all of the morning, I got sick all of a sudden. It was bad enough where I couldn't sleep and was trying to fight it off.
The sickness necessitated only the second call-off from work in the three years I have been there. After perfect attendance in 2010, there will be no such honor for 2011. But I just couldn't work in the given condition. Even worse is the amount of money I DIDN'T make today. That's when it hits you. But I just couldn't work in it.
At this time (Monday, 1:30 a.m.) I feel alright. I go back to work at 5:00 p.m. When I get home, I'll probably start on getting the sleep cycle back on track.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Where Did I Go Wrong?
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.51.70
Current Song - Spooky (Atlanta Rhythm Section)
I've been spending a great deal of time sitting in my computer chair in front of the computer. When I'm not staring at the screen, I'm staring into open space. Pondering about a few things related to why I'm at where I'm at today in regards to a certain aspect of life ... love.
Recently, it hit me that it has almost been 20 years since I first started realizing the whole difference between friendships between boys and girls. In other words, the first girl I "liked" was nearly 20 years ago.
Over the past 20 years, I estimated that I had crushes on at least 25 different girls. (No "Cutter Report" naming names is planned to come out).
I have come close twice toward establishing an official "going out" type of relationship. Once (7th grade) was the first - and to date the only time - I had the courage to ask a girl out (on a phone, of course). The other (freshman year) was something I wasn't quite ready for, and I kind of figured out it was nothing more than a diversion.
So I took some hours to think about my entire life history involving girls, and wondered where I went wrong. Why was I unable to establish such relationships? Why am I 25 years old and still unable to get a girlfriend?
***
Should I have not been a sissy and called a certain girl on the phone, especially when my best friend was pressuring me to do so?
Should I have completely abandoned the friendships I had established in Rock Falls before moving to Sterling for 5th grade? Did this possibly hinder efforts to have a very good 5th grade year?
Should I have been a little more kinder to that one girl who was "kind" to me? Furthermore, should I have completely ignored the slightest possibility that this was a diversion of sorts from the girl I actually liked?
Should I not have written my thoughts down in a little "coca-cola" book that was locked?
Should I have rode my bike elsewhere when I was feeling down?
Should I have done more than just sit there at the corner of the wall at recess time in middle school?
Should I have not written locker-hole notes to a certain girl?
Should I have not published a certain weekly rating list?
Should I have not tagged along behind the crowd, rather than just ignoring it?
Should I have not stuck up for a friend when a girl gave him a phony phone number (that I knew was phony after he revealed it to me)?
Should I have not found out who someone was without asking her first?
Should I have not made a fool of myself when trying out for the Talent Show?
Should I have just skipped that volleyball game out in the boondocks?
Should I have just been at peace with the fact that I just wasn't invited to a joint birthday party that it seemed like everyone else was invited to?
Should I have done more than bring her flowers?
Should I have learned slow dancing before actually doing it?
Should I have not made a (different) publication regarding jokes about a kid?
Should I have altered class-to-class paths?
(Now we hit high school)
Was that trip to Chicago for a softball game really worth it?
"Hody" (rhymes with butter)?
Should I have just stayed in Sterling?
Should I have just ignored SHS and followed RFHS all throughout high school?
Should I have made a move while managing? (On second thought, no, because it would have absolutely wrecked my life)
Should I have not played hookie?
Should I have known how to use ICQ before actually installing it?
Should I have done more than just ICQ chats and phone calls?
Should I have prepared for a certain meeting?
Should I have not gone on the legendary bike ride?
Should I have not made a cameo appearance at a certain place early in the morning?
Should I have made constant reminders about a "promise" that I would take somebody to prom? (Probably another diversion)
Should I have completely ignored a bus conversation between someone who told me he had a crush on someone?
Should I have seriously considered an offer to reside in an "extra bedroom" at someone's house?
Should I have kept my keypad untouched in a specific message board post?
Should I have asked that my assignments be a little more spread out than what they ended up being?
Should I have not quoted a certain someone out-of-order?
Should I have counted the number of championship rings a little more accurately?
Should I have stayed local during my senior year, rather than traveling all over creation to write game stories?
Should I have behaved a little better while driving back from a football game at Ottawa?
Should I have not tried out a photo angle from the floor?
(Now we hit college)
Should I have given more writing advice to certain people?
Should I have been a little more open in asking for help in a certain class?
(Now we hit the present time)
Should I be moving around a little bit more?
Current Song - Spooky (Atlanta Rhythm Section)
I've been spending a great deal of time sitting in my computer chair in front of the computer. When I'm not staring at the screen, I'm staring into open space. Pondering about a few things related to why I'm at where I'm at today in regards to a certain aspect of life ... love.
Recently, it hit me that it has almost been 20 years since I first started realizing the whole difference between friendships between boys and girls. In other words, the first girl I "liked" was nearly 20 years ago.
Over the past 20 years, I estimated that I had crushes on at least 25 different girls. (No "Cutter Report" naming names is planned to come out).
I have come close twice toward establishing an official "going out" type of relationship. Once (7th grade) was the first - and to date the only time - I had the courage to ask a girl out (on a phone, of course). The other (freshman year) was something I wasn't quite ready for, and I kind of figured out it was nothing more than a diversion.
So I took some hours to think about my entire life history involving girls, and wondered where I went wrong. Why was I unable to establish such relationships? Why am I 25 years old and still unable to get a girlfriend?
***
Should I have not been a sissy and called a certain girl on the phone, especially when my best friend was pressuring me to do so?
Should I have completely abandoned the friendships I had established in Rock Falls before moving to Sterling for 5th grade? Did this possibly hinder efforts to have a very good 5th grade year?
Should I have been a little more kinder to that one girl who was "kind" to me? Furthermore, should I have completely ignored the slightest possibility that this was a diversion of sorts from the girl I actually liked?
Should I not have written my thoughts down in a little "coca-cola" book that was locked?
Should I have rode my bike elsewhere when I was feeling down?
Should I have done more than just sit there at the corner of the wall at recess time in middle school?
Should I have not written locker-hole notes to a certain girl?
Should I have not published a certain weekly rating list?
Should I have not tagged along behind the crowd, rather than just ignoring it?
Should I have not stuck up for a friend when a girl gave him a phony phone number (that I knew was phony after he revealed it to me)?
Should I have not found out who someone was without asking her first?
Should I have not made a fool of myself when trying out for the Talent Show?
Should I have just skipped that volleyball game out in the boondocks?
Should I have just been at peace with the fact that I just wasn't invited to a joint birthday party that it seemed like everyone else was invited to?
Should I have done more than bring her flowers?
Should I have learned slow dancing before actually doing it?
Should I have not made a (different) publication regarding jokes about a kid?
Should I have altered class-to-class paths?
(Now we hit high school)
Was that trip to Chicago for a softball game really worth it?
"Hody" (rhymes with butter)?
Should I have just stayed in Sterling?
Should I have just ignored SHS and followed RFHS all throughout high school?
Should I have made a move while managing? (On second thought, no, because it would have absolutely wrecked my life)
Should I have not played hookie?
Should I have known how to use ICQ before actually installing it?
Should I have done more than just ICQ chats and phone calls?
Should I have prepared for a certain meeting?
Should I have not gone on the legendary bike ride?
Should I have not made a cameo appearance at a certain place early in the morning?
Should I have made constant reminders about a "promise" that I would take somebody to prom? (Probably another diversion)
Should I have completely ignored a bus conversation between someone who told me he had a crush on someone?
Should I have seriously considered an offer to reside in an "extra bedroom" at someone's house?
Should I have kept my keypad untouched in a specific message board post?
Should I have asked that my assignments be a little more spread out than what they ended up being?
Should I have not quoted a certain someone out-of-order?
Should I have counted the number of championship rings a little more accurately?
Should I have stayed local during my senior year, rather than traveling all over creation to write game stories?
Should I have behaved a little better while driving back from a football game at Ottawa?
Should I have not tried out a photo angle from the floor?
(Now we hit college)
Should I have given more writing advice to certain people?
Should I have been a little more open in asking for help in a certain class?
(Now we hit the present time)
Should I be moving around a little bit more?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Can't Sleep
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.70.70
Current Song - Sign Your Name (Terence Trent D'Arby)
It's become apparent to me that I can't sleep at night without something reminding me about the unsuccessful attempts at figuring out what love is.
Not too long ago, it came to me that I am not going to be able to look back at high school for a small ember that still exists. That has burned out. All of those girls from back then, there's no point to it now.
From this day on, I guess I'll have to look forward and not back to find someone. I have an extensive past, but an unclear future with not too many women around. I'm not angry, just kind of dissapointed.
Current Song - Sign Your Name (Terence Trent D'Arby)
It's become apparent to me that I can't sleep at night without something reminding me about the unsuccessful attempts at figuring out what love is.
Not too long ago, it came to me that I am not going to be able to look back at high school for a small ember that still exists. That has burned out. All of those girls from back then, there's no point to it now.
From this day on, I guess I'll have to look forward and not back to find someone. I have an extensive past, but an unclear future with not too many women around. I'm not angry, just kind of dissapointed.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
More than just a customer
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.60.70
Working for Fourth of July night, I kind of dread this day because of the rush that comes with it. Despite Dixon's fireworks going on, there wasn't much of one. But that didn't make me have a good day.
That day I found out that one of my beloved regular customers passed away. Dorothy, and her husband Bill, were frequent customers at the Shell station for the past three years. They sat at the tables, had coffee, scratched off lotto tickets, and played the Pick 3 and Pick 4 every night.
Dorothy was 85 and had been suffering from Alzheimer's Disease for the past couple of months.
They made an effort to come and play lotto every night that either Billy or I worked. They had been playing the Pick 3 every night for over 30 years, and are what I call die-hard lottery players. They were more than just that, though. Over time, they became good friends of mine, Joe's, Dave's, and a few others. Wherever he was, she was. Wherever she was, he was.
A couple of months ago her condition began to settle in, and she had to be in a nursing home. That's the last time I saw her and Bill.
Three or four nights a week for nearly three years, Dorothy and Bill had been a part of my life. Now she is gone. All of us at the nightshift will miss her.
Working for Fourth of July night, I kind of dread this day because of the rush that comes with it. Despite Dixon's fireworks going on, there wasn't much of one. But that didn't make me have a good day.
That day I found out that one of my beloved regular customers passed away. Dorothy, and her husband Bill, were frequent customers at the Shell station for the past three years. They sat at the tables, had coffee, scratched off lotto tickets, and played the Pick 3 and Pick 4 every night.
Dorothy was 85 and had been suffering from Alzheimer's Disease for the past couple of months.
They made an effort to come and play lotto every night that either Billy or I worked. They had been playing the Pick 3 every night for over 30 years, and are what I call die-hard lottery players. They were more than just that, though. Over time, they became good friends of mine, Joe's, Dave's, and a few others. Wherever he was, she was. Wherever she was, he was.
A couple of months ago her condition began to settle in, and she had to be in a nursing home. That's the last time I saw her and Bill.
Three or four nights a week for nearly three years, Dorothy and Bill had been a part of my life. Now she is gone. All of us at the nightshift will miss her.
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