The Jump-Start: 7 Starting Points & Priority Battles

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.22.20
Current Song - Something About You (Level 42)

Word of the Day: GUMPTION

In my last entry, I made a decision to start trying to get better at things, and prepare the the future ahead of me. This was because the sports stuff has been burying my life in a huge hole.

For a brief moment, I looked at NISB as something that was stunting my personal development. The only thing that can really make this worthwhile is to turn it into a machine that generates some sort of income. (This is different than saying "money-making machine," which is a machine that churns out money constantly). Right now NISB isn't doing that. Will it? Only time will tell.

However, at this very moment of time it is NOT making any money. All I have to do is arrange a few things and push a button. All of this, however, is time-consuming and eats into what I need to do at this very moment of time.

Some of this "other stuff" has to be conquered before I can even think about readying myself for the future of NISB. My mind in the past few months was so wrapped around getting NISB ready for future development, non-stop at warp speed, that everything else around me was falling apart, deteriorating.

Now I'm having to find myself going back and fixing the things that I left behind. Getting them back in shape will only keep me going steady in life on this Earth.

This includes simple life items that I should have done a LONG, LONG time ago (10 years back). I know people say "live life with no regrets," but they always did everything well and were not as lazy as I have been lately.

Regrets? Plenty.

To show how strong I feel about needing to jump-start everything, I'm writing this blog entry and putting off a wrestling story that normally should have been written 18 hours ago. However, as far as getting things rounded up goes, that wrestling article can wait. I'm not getting paid for it, and did this on my own time. No one is forcing me to put this story up. So I won't right now.

THAT ALONE is an improvement in trying to get priorities straight. Five months ago, I would have been dead-set on getting the article written and posted on the website even if my house was burning around me. I feel comfortable right now, and once I get done with this blog entry I will get to work on the wrestling story.

This weekend will be jam-packed with sports stuff, it's not funny. So I'm hoping I can get a good start next week.

So ... Here's the list of things that I should start doing.

(My personal disclaimer on this: These items display how stupid I've become lately. I know I'm going to be looked down upon because of my revealing of these items. However, I really need help in getting these things back on track. Calling me stupid or something like that doesn't help (that I know). However, some encouragement can help motivate me to get back to functioning normally)

Things I should have started doing a long time ago:

1. Making my bed after rolling out of it. My impression of this was always that no one other than my family was going to even look at my bedroom, so it's not like I'm trying to impress anyone. I don't even think of it anymore. However, come the time that someone else DOES walk the annals of my bedroom, having a prepared bed is better than having a messed-up one.

2. Doing my own laundry. This alone should tell you how deteriorated I have become recently at age 25. This is something my parents do, and have continued to do to this day. Right now they're just hoping for that magic wand to come down and having it make me think, "you know, I should start doing this."

You know, I should start doing this.

I feel like buying a couple of laundry baskets (one for my clothes and one for my bedding) and putting my dirty laundry in them. When the clothes are full, I should put my bedding in them and take both baskets to the laundrymat (we don't have a W/D at home). I should learn how to properly wash certain clothes and dry them, and all with my own money. Fold them up and take the clean stuff back to my room and put them where they need be.

3. Buy my own "snack items." As far as food goes, this is something that I have gradually started doing in the past couple of years. Rather than going to the kitchen cupboard and finding something, these out-of-the-norm food items should be on my own dime. For Christmas I got a small basket-full of snacks (which I'm still working on), and I think that will double as a pantry of sorts. Three years ago I got a cooler for Christmas, and I started to put my own drinks in it.

When I say "out-of-the-norm" this doesn't mean breakfast, lunch and dinner. Breakfast I rarely eat anymore. Lunch just comes and goes. Dinner is always prepared, and I believe is still a family-oriented occasion.

My hope is that Nos. 2 and 3 will help me learn to financially expect these things.

4. Establish a morning routine. When I roll out of bed - and subsequently fail to re-make my bed - I usually just get on the computer and check my computer stuff. I haven't had a morning routine since high school, but I had one for many years prior to tossing the cap in the air. Then with choosing my own classes in college, this fell to the wayside. Shower? When I feel like it. Teeth and hair? When I feel like it. Shave? When I feel like it. Just as long as the computer stuff got done first. Breakfast? When I haven't eaten in days.

I've thought about reversing myself and my computer: (1) set the alarm for a certain time, such as 8 a.m. (2) shut the alarm off (3) make the bed again (4) round up my clothes (5) walk the 15 feet and past the computer to the upstairs bath (it's a half-bath) and do teeth, hair and shave,(6) walk downstairs and take my shower (7) eat breakfast (8) go back upstairs and only THEN start doing the computer stuff.

When I'm done with my computer stuff, I am less likely to lounge around with my street clothes on. Perhaps I could do something more productive.

5. Move around. Right now I don't have much to do between the hours of 9 a.m. and 4 p.m.. I'm not working, so usually I'm still in my bed clothes and either prodding away on the computer or trying to find SOMETHING on television.

With the weather starting to get nice outside, perhaps it's time to start going on walks. Right now I'm at the point where I can only walk. But if I walk enough, perhaps I'll get to the point where I can run. But if it's not so well outside, there is a exercise bike in the basement.

This is only the 1,000,000th time on here that I've said I'll start getting myself back in shape. All I'm doing this time is trying a new method of actually trying to do it. With money running dry, I'm having to take a McDonald's receipt and taping it next to my spedometer with the words "That's it! You're Done!" written on it.

The McDonald's reciept theory had been tried several times, all leading to failure. It's biggest test was Tuesday night on a trip to Wheeling to cover this wrestling meet (the subject of this upcoming wrestling article). I had cash on me just in case there was an emergency that happened along the way. I had bought a large bag of Doritos and a 20-ounce pop before leaving town hoping that it would keep me filled on the way back. Nope. Once you enter the rich suburbs of Chicago, the first thing that comes to mind is Portillo's. I had the Big Beef there and felt like I could eat two or three of them. Is that still better than fast food? Nope, but at first you don't succeed, keep trying.

What may also help curb these game-trip appitites is the absence of any trace of money from my presence (cash, debit cards, checks). I went to Portillo's with $50 in cash. Without any cash, I would have never made the stop to eat. I would also have to get my car snacks earlier in the day, or eliminate them altogether, and put the money back home before taking off. But this provides a potential problem: If something DOES happen to me that far away from home, I will not have any money to help me solve the problem.

6. Housework. One of the biggest thing I get chided about lately is my lack of doing household chores. Well, I never get asked to do them. So I don't do them.

You know, I should start doing this.

However, the thing that holds me back is the reaction I expect to get while actually getting off my lazy butt and doing them. The surprise reaction that the rest of the family will display at my direction is that of "good for you ..." and this REALLY embarasses me! I'm not sure why this embarasses me, probably because I can't think of an answer to such a statement. I don't know what I'm supposed to say when this happens; recite this entire blog entry?

Yet another barrier to shatter.

Just trying to find the gumption (ring the klaxons and scream, Pee Wee style) to do this is going to be tough. I'll probably start when I'm all alone in the house. No one will no what hit them.

7. Not to be shy about certain things. This blog takes care of that, right? However, there are still barriers preventing me from trying to succeed, in particular both financially and socially.

7.1 Let's start with the "financially" aspect.

Growing up, we weren't the most lavish. However, I often found myself jealous of those kids who were. After all, back then my quest to find true love hinged on this very thing.

Throughout high school, I was always worrying about how people would treat me. I didn't want to do anything wrong to hurt anyone. For some reason, our school was the type where Pepsi and Sam's Choice colas made a HUGE difference. We've always been a Coca-Cola family, by the way. Sometimes I'd go out of my way to even the score and disguise the fact that I wasn't really on par.

The frugal aspect of myself began with high school, right about when things should start to be done on one's own. I hoarded lunch money. I wanted to find ways to cut corners to save up money, but I was afraid to show it at the school setting. I was already a loner, and feared that the visual revealing of my personal financial problems would worsen it.

To this day, I am still very afraid to shop at places such as Goodwill, TJ Maxx, thrift stores, Family Dollar, and other discount stores. My fear has always been that someone would see me and make the claim (and spread this around) that I have fallen on hard times and is now just another lost soul in decline. I just have that feeling that I never want people to look at me in a negative light.

Well, I pretty much have to admit it now: I'm a lost soul on decline.

The part of me that says that a trip to Woodfield Mall, Water Tower Place, clothes at Bloomingdales and the like are in the works are all over now. I really do not mind the suburban life of places such as Schaumburg, Winnetka, Downers Grove, etc. I don't look the part, but it doesn't bother me at the same time. I wished, at times, I was like that. But then reality slips in and tells me that I'm FAR from that.

(I can weave my way through the suburbs like nothing. I'm also one of those guys that drives 85-90 miles per hour on the left lane of the Kennedy Expressway)

This effect is also present when it comes to trying to find a job. Before reading the next paragraph, I have to personally warn you - you may be offended by this.

I have tried extensively to avoid jobs in a factory, or other places where the stereotypical image of its average worker looks like this: smokes, drinks, is gruff, complains about their spouse and family, gossips, and jailed a few times. I'm none of those. I worked two months at a food packaging factory and didn't fit in well with the people that worked there. Never again, I told myself.

When it comes to finding a job, I have avoided these places because I felt people would look down upon me. I am trying to fix this feeling inside of me and try NOT to judge books by its covers.

As I mentioned, I apologize if I have offended you. "Mr. Think's he's high class" isn't really high class after all. Alright? There.

7.2 Now, the "socially" part of this.

This is the biggest evil that I need to slay: the shyness surrounding my social barriers.

All of this time when I'm laying at home, I'm not around anyone. This creates the makings of a reculse. Many people believe that I am a reculse because I am not sociable. The kids that grew up with me during middle school and high school believe that I am a reculse.

The fact is, my social inabilities have to do with what's called Asperger's Syndrome - a form of Autism. My classmates did not know this while I was in school, and many do not know that now.

There were pockets of times when my Autism went by the wayside and I tried to act like a normal human being. The result was things like: I danced so stupidly at dances. I was trying to hurt someone when jumping on people for fun was going on (at the ONLY birthday party I went to in the past 14 years, in seventh grade). When I was trying to act "normal" like the others, it was considered "weird" by the others. After a while I noticed this, and pretty much went crawling back into my shell.

Sometimes I can't even talk to a person from school unless they start talking to me. My "butting in" on someone's fun I would consider rude, and believed that they would consider it rude as well.

My inability during the actual presence of socialization has carried onto the digital age: I can't even find the gumption (ring the klaxons and scream, Pee Wee style) to chat with people on Facebook, or even send a message to their inbox, or post something on people's walls. The result of that: there is very little on my Facebook wall.

Even the simple "Happy Birthday!" post on people's Facebook walls have been met with second-guesses. Every day I'm alerted to Facebook friends' birthdays. Rarely will I ever come around to wishing a happy birthday to someone. "Cody wished me a happy birthday, I feel embarassed" is what goes though my head. Probably beacuse this has actually happened, with a couple of girls.

Weddings, announcements of pregancies and the births of children are a little easier for me to send a congratulatory message, especially if it's someone I have known almost my entire life. With these items, I feel afraid to send a message because I don't know if a simple message is worth it in terms of actual caring. I REALLY DO CARE, I JUST DON'T KNOW OF A WAY TO ACTUALLY SAY IT! Weddings, especially. Weddings are those occasions where gifts are "registered" through some sort of electronic service. I don't understand why. But then again, if I do something considered out of the ordinary, maybe it'll be looked at as upstaging.

I've picked on my classmates enough in this blog entry. I feel bad about this, but at the same time can't think of any other way to convey my feelings. I've grown up with this group of people, and don't know where I'd be without them. In a way, they have helped shape me into what good I am today. This is why I'll try to give back to them the respect they deserve. Hopefully I can try to do a good job at this.

And with that, ends probably the longest blog entry I have ever written.

Cody

Turning Around The Life: Jump Starting & Going Back to Age 18

Cutter's Log - Stardate
Current Song - Gonna Fly Now (Bill Conti)

The past couple of weeks have been an impasse for me.

The five-month anniversary of being out of work kind of combined with recent emphasis on the website, and a lot of forgetfulness. It's getting harder and harder to dig this hole that apparently I've been digging since graduating high school.

Two things I've earned since high school: an Associate's Degree from SVCC, and many, many high school sports friends.

But that's it.

I literally haven't moved an inch since graduating high school. The rest of my friends took the first train out of town after commencement. I stayed behind. I didn't settle on my own - I literally stayed behind. When my two next-oldest brothers have moved out of the house, I remain.

Constant reminders from society have told me that if I continue to go down the path I am headed, nothing will get better. Only worse.

Just recently, I have had the the need of a jump start to my life shoved down my throat. Let's face it: I'm going to be 26 years old, still with my parents, lying on my bed taking a nap half of the time. I won't got into anything else that makes me feel a lot worse than everyone else my age.

I'll put it this way - people know me as a high school sports journalist and fanatic, a high school history researcher, and someone who is willing to put important things of my life on hold just to service others (athletes, coaches, fans) of the profession that I am in.

What they don't know is my personal homelife. That is deteriorating before my very eyes. No, not my family. It is as strong as ever. But my life outside of high school sports is absolutely deteriorating. I've been told that I can't take care of myself anymore. I took a long, hard look at what life would be like for me if I continued on this path that I am going on now. It's not pretty, and I would be MUCH far behind everyone else that I grew up with. I'd be stuck at age 18 and not going any further.

What I will take away most about the past few years are the friends I have made in the high school sports scene. I didn't have many friends growing up, and my work with high school sports has helped fill in this important void in my life. While I'd still like to get this jump start, these are the people that I need to help me get turned around and start LIVING again.

Will I give up high school sports journalism? HELL NO! But if I don't save myself first, I don't think I'll have much of anything from this point forward.

I've always told myself it would be wonderful to have a place of my own. A family of my own. A wife of my own. A future of my own. All while making everyone proud of me. Come to think of it, currently I'm in no shape to revitalize my love life.

That will change now.

I'm in "livid comeback" mode at this point. Think of Slash's end solo from November Rain. Just the solo, not the lyrics and video.

I will be thinking of a plan to actually make this a success soon.

I just want to be dug out of this hole soon, before it ruins everything I've ever worked for.

My Truly Beautie Cutie

My Truly Beautie Cutie
-Cody Cutter-

I remember when you came in my life
Nothing else around really mattered
The thought of one day my wife
Our meeting my shyness had shattered

My eyes have been hooked
My heart forever booked
Never seen how beauty looked
For forever this has took

My heart says yes
My mind says no
This is for the best
And I can't let go

It's hard to go away
But forever she will stay
The prettiest young girl if you may
In the entire world today

Every move my world will stop
Want to tell her how I feel
My only move are the tears that drop
Wanting all of this to be real

So beautiful
My mind starts to lull
But that you cannot roll
Reality begins to pull

Her long blonde hair pulls me back
Shine as a beacon for me to come
And patience I am soon to lack
Love you, love you, love you more some

We looked and our eyes stood still
Moving only deeper to drill
Emotions my heart is filled
Forever love you I will

I'll never forget your smile
And the angelic voice you speak
Or when I make you giggle a while
You make me so weak

But as we move on
This bond can't be strong
It'll be all gone
Best forgotten

As I slowly let go of your hand
And kiss you above
I absolutely understand
Good-bye forever my love

To You, My Love

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.90.20

Years ago (over 10), before I ever thought of writing for a career, I wrote a poem to kind of put my feelings about someone in written form.

I wrote it in eighth grade and stashed it away in my bookcase for years. With Valentine's Day coming up, I was somehow attracted, like a magnet, to this book. The first poem I had written in it was "To You, My Love".

This book was written in one of those blank journal books that one could find at Borders for a couple of bucks. I wrote this poem in it, and tried to fill up the pages with little avail. Looking back at the other poems, they aren't that good. I can tell I was just trying to fill up the space.

So here is the poem, and when that day comes that I ever find that woman of my dreams, I'll see if this poem does justice.

****

"To You, My Love"

By Cody Cuttter


This is to a girl
Who I love so much
A girl so pretty
I love her a bunch

A really great girl
Who I really adore
To her I write
This poem for

You're so beautiful and you're so lovely
Totally conquering my mind
So pretty so wonderful
There's not another girl of your kind

I love you

Valentine's Day Is One Week Away

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.70.20
Current Song - This Guy's In Love With You (Herb Alpert)

By my senior year of high school, I felt like all of the girls at both Sterling and Rock Falls were trying to prevent me from having a relationship. After a while I knew I was doing it all wrong; all my fault. I just couldn't understand why that was.

This is what sticks out in my head every Valentine's Day.

***

Each year at this time, the thoughts of past loves start to get into my head.

Here's what happens: I remember all of those V-Day card exchanges from school days, and that leads to the thoughts that come into my head whenever I saw someone I liked. In fact, I still have a fifth-grade valentine somewhere in my collection of stuff, with "xoxoxo" written on the envelope.

I was a very shy person back then (and I still am today), and I knew I couldn't establish the bond by myself. I turned to people to help me, and for some reason it would always end up backfiring on me.

I've been slapped around in fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, and eighth grade by the same group of girls.

My closest connection was in seventh grade, when I actually bought flowers for the girl that I loved at the time. And I asked her out; problem was, it was over the phone because I was too scared and nervous to do it in person. Then she announces this event to her friends, and one of them yells at me - telling me NEVER to ask her out again. Same girl that yelled at me was also trying to rattle me out of a girl that I had liked for quite some time.

It was to the point that whenever I had a feeling for someone by my eighth-grade year it just wasn't worth it. I knew I was going to get slapped around.

Then there was an event during my freshman year, and I quickly knew it was simply a distractive ploy to make me look bad. This RF girl - we've traded barbs at times - set this all up between someone and me, and I pretty much caught it. That's when I knew it was pretty much all over for me.

My methods of establishing relationships were all overshot and proved to be devestating. By high school I pretty much just sat back and waited for the right girl to come up. Trying to make the first move would just become devestating for me.

I was tired of making the first move, only to get slapped around.

So I just sat back and waited for the girl to make the first move. I'm still waiting.

But at the same time, I have had many scars and wounds from all of those times I've been mentally beaten to a bloody pulp (I've never been physically beaten up at school ever, but mentally, a million times).

It's been seven years since I graduated from high school. The wounds and scars from the girls, and their male cohorts, telling me to never fall in love again are still etched in my mind, but the pain can't be felt anymore.

But I'm not giving up.

I really feel like I can make a comeback and turn my success with girls around. I've spent a lot of time licking these wounds from school days, and I think I have found a way to build something successful. I think all of those times going out and exploring different places - restaurants, shops, quiet spots in the middle of nowhere - really helps.

To all of those girls from school, just go away. You're just going to do more harm to me than good. I hate to say that, even to the one girl I always had feelings for. But in the end, I know it'll just be more harm to me than good - but if she still has something to say about it, I'm all ears.

The slate starts clean.

It's easy for me to find a girl. It's easy for a girl to find me. However, we both have to find each other in order to truly make it work.

I'm confident that this will happen soon.