Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.13.10
Current Song - Love Hangover (Diana Ross)
I remember the first serious thought of "boyfriend-girlfriend." It was in fifth grade when my crush at the time was pulling a fast one on me.
That was 15 years ago. Since that time I have seen many of my classmates form these relationships. Other than that one time I was bluffed into something I didn't quite want, it's been a 15-year drought.
Now I'm seeing classmates that were formerly in the same boat as me now having the time of their lives. They never had a girl in high school. I'm rowing that boat alone now.
I honestly think I'm the last holdout. Wait, no. There are others who have jumped the ship and given up. Not me.
Wait ... the same Cody Cutter that ....
Yeah, that one.
This "last holdout" has been around both the cream of the crop and the bottom of the barrel. Nothing has materialized.
I always wonder why that is the case. Of course it's my fault. But the exact details as to why that is have been very hard to explain.
Through bullet points, I have put together a list of reasons why I am still single after all these years.
1. I don't get out much - Because of interests (high school sports) and work (Shell), this leaves very little room for other commitments. This has been a routine since high school, where I was always covering a high school sports game. The high school sports stuff is necessary in order to maintain the desired career that I want (journalism). The Shell stuff is necessary in order to make money.
Since I have never been able to get out much, I don't know what "getting out" feels like. I think I can count on one hand all of the "getting out" times I have had since high school.
Also, because of how bound I am amongst the two, this doesn't create any "her" time (in other words, time for her).
2. High school sports is a bare cupboard - The reason why I go so far to cover games is to keep interest in high school sports high. Somehow, I possess this ability to care about many schools and athletes when no one else does.
It is because of this that, during almost all games outside of Sterling/Newman/Rock Falls that I cover, I know no one else in the gym except a journalist or a coach.
In regard to the "same interest" concept, those women that share this particular interest of mine either 1) are married, or 2) do not exist.
3. I am overweight - Since I pose a health hazard, the girl has to think about either potential laziness (which, if hooked, will NOT happen) and a possible medical bill for when something bad happens.
Looks do mean something. You never see girls fawn over someone like Artie Lange, Chris Christie, or Ralphie May.
4. My primary interest involves the Internet - which leads some people to think that I'm qualified to be a member of the Geek Squad at Best Buy. Truth is, I can't tell you about the components of a hard drive. I just know how to put a website together. And edit pictures, and edit video, and upload things onto YouTube.
5. I've been unable to keep up with the times - This is mostly because I find myself "making do" with earlier technologies such as compact disks, standard cell phones, desktop computers, and cash.
Everyone else around me is always hooked on the latest tech craze. I can't fathom why they need a new iWhatever every two months. This leads to people thinking that I am cheap and boring.
6. I do not smoke or drink - This statement seems like blasphemy, but everywhere I look I see this. I don't smoke because I know damn well that it kills me. I don't drink because I know damn well it kills me.
Because I don't drink, people think that I am a wuss and therefore "not cool." I know I'm not smart when it comes to my body (See #3), but I'm smart enough to know what kills me and doesn't. This is a penalty that really ticks me off.
7. This thing called Autism - What it really does is distort courage. I always find myself wondering "what if something goes wrong," when people push me toward someone.
In school, I could never find it within myself, except once with Amber, to tell a girl exactly how I thought of them and the words "I love you." When I did let my love known, someone was always there to ridicule me for saying what I had to say. That someone pretty much scarred me for life and I will never forgive her.
8. I always doubted those that "helped" me - From what I understand, there were classmates of mine in middle school that tried to steer me into someone's direction. These classmates were the popular kids.
I could never quite tell whether they were really out there to help me, or ridicule me.
One thing's for sure, whatever help ceased to be in high school. Either because of anger, or boredom.
9. I have to ask myself, "Do I foresee a future with you?" - For some reason I possess the ability to know a person's personality based on words, mood and opinions. If you and I don't mix, I just don't see it happening.
This is why I have, so many times, prematurely looked the other way. I'm always pointing, "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," ....
10. I am picky - I am picky because I value myself (or whatever little is left of me). If I go into unknown territory and come out battered, that scar remains with me, and what people think of me, forever. I have a lot of things listed in the "I do NOT want" column than the "I DO want" column.
11. I make $9.25/hour - Not quite enough to make someone's wants and desires to come true on demand.
The mental barriers of Autism prevent me from working at a job where my hands are dirty every day, where I drink from a thermos, and such. Thus I don't have any salary. My school grades also killed the ability to work from a cubicle.
12. I can't tell Fun from Serious - In school, I would see my friends pick on the girl I liked, and they laughed it off. However, if I did the same thing, it bothered them.
Perhaps it didn't come out of my mouth as playful.
13. The shyness snowballs into seclusion, starting rumors - The most often one about me was that I had "obsessions." Not true. Another time involved stalking. Not true. Another time involved whether I was gay. Not true.
Because I have no social paper trail, people often fill in the blanks in their own to match the volume of those that they do know. They seem to always get it wrong. That leads to rumors that hurt my image. Hate that.
14. I have a belief that you just can't up and meet someone and like them - Many, many people have suggested that I get a change of scenery outside of Sterling and Rock Falls. I have to fully understand the person before I can make any kind of move. They say "getting girls" is easy. I think not.
I'd much rather be with someone that I have known for 10 years instead of 10 weeks.
15. I don't know what to do as far as a social life - My mind refers to things that the generation above me used to do. But I always have to ask myself whether that stuff still works. Where are the places to go? What are the things to do? I just don't know.
I have friends that DO know, but they won't tell me. They think I have to figure it out for myself. I CAN'T!
One thing I DO like to do is to go to the Riverboat.
16. People think I'm reserved and quiet - As far as being reserved goes, this Blog has detailed every thought of my life since graduating high school. So I'm not "quiet" about anything.
While I do not talk a whole lot, I do write a whole lot.
17. Fear of the "journalist" feeling when it comes to new interests - This one I need to explain.
I have certain interests, and it's like DNA. I often find myself simply asking questions when doing something that I don't have an interest in, and she does. This, I think leads to a dull moment, and we get lost.
I like local history. Perhaps she likes quilting.
18. So much time has passed - As I mentioned at the start, any start will be a very late one. I have very little paper trail when it comes to relationships, and whatever does exist is just a forgotten memory.
19. I whine a lot - This one needs no elaboration. But I only "whine" to get panicked thoughts out of my head and into the open, away from me. Everyone hates it when I talk about this girlfriend drought of mine, but what good will it do to keep it bottled up in my head?
At least sharing my frustrations can somehow open a path for success.
20. I doubt myself a lot - This is the #1 reason.
I can never "just do it." I have to carefully prepare for these things and make sure all of the pieces are in place before embarking on something.
It's always been "I can't do it," because "I don't know how to do it."
Embarassment will cloud people's image of me, and how they treat me and such.
I don't have people to guide me as to if I'm doing things the right way, or the wrong way. I often wish they would, and often wish they would just spoon-feed me. But I think my friends don't want to be involved in this long-term commitment to helping me both find a girlfriend and maintaining a relationship.
My cries for help have gone unanswered. People think it's just a monologue. It's not. These cries are real.
So feel free to help, or add on to my list. I know there's gotta be a way.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Losin', Savin', Earnin', Lovin'
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.72.10
Current Song - Makes Me Wonder (Maroon 5)
Life is just being lived right now.
Recently it's been in a constant state of flux with nothing new ever happening. I just finished my fifth straight day of work, and finished with nearly 39 hours for the first time in a long time.
Three straight weeks of 39 hours can be both good and bad.
I feel like writing, but can't organize a thought together.
Here goes:
Losin'
I recently hit the -30 mark in losing weight. Much of that is because I'm just not eating the things I used to in the same quantity. I have reduced the number of calories consumed per day while moving around a little more than usual.
The next stage involves eliminating certain foods from the cabinet. Fast food has gone down. Meat has gone down. Everything else, however, has remained the same.
A trip from a friend made me aware of sodium. Because of trying to save money, the stuff that I have been buying to keep meals wholesome happen to have plenty of sodium in them: chili, soups, pot pies, etc. Perhaps that's the next step.
I'll try by going normal for a couple of days while making a sodium count. Then cut back on that, and see if that translates into weight loss.
Chili, soups, pot pies and TV dinners have been this single man's food intake lately. Why? Because they are cheap, but filling.
Savin'
As a result of my constant price checking, I have determined that I won't pay more than a dollar for chili. Most chili is the same except for Wolf (too spicy for me) and Chiliman (my favorite). As far as chicken noodle soup goes, my limit is 50 cents a can.
The pot pies and TV dinners have all come courtesy of Hy-Vee. No, I didn't travel all the way to Clinton (the nearest Hy-Vee) just for them. I pulled the flyers out of the Quad City newspapers I sell at work. Then I take them to Wal-Mart, where they price match things.
I was able to get pot pies for 60 cents for 10 and get TV dinners for 80 cents for 10. All at Wal-Mart. All using price matching.
Actually, I had a 75-cents-off-8 coupon for the TV dinners. Ten TV dinners for $7.25. Without price matching and coupons, you'll be paying $10.00 instead.
I try to establish a minimum when I buy my "staple" items. I won't go any more than $2.50 for a 12-pack of pop, although I once bought 5 12-packs at Kroger for $10 during a sale. I won't go any more than $2.89 for a gallon of milk, although I saw an amazing-low $1.99 sale price for a gallon at a grocery store in Rockford recently.
Kroger was my latest store trip. I got a thing in the mail from them for a "$5 off" checkout coupon. I spent time sifting through the discounted bread and the manager's special shelves for things, as well as sifting through my coupons to see what can be doubled.
One thing I bought at Kroger was a four-pack of Energizer AAA batteries. It had a sale price of $3.49, but after doubling my 50-cent-off coupon, got it for $2.49. I haven't opened them yet, but really the only things I used a battery for are my audio recorder and my walkman. I'll be exploring the world of generic batties and see if they are worth it. Do they last as long?
Earnin'
As mentioned already, I will be working quite a bit lately. I have an off-day on Tuesday and one more on Friday, but I work another string of six days after that (working 14 days in a 16-day stretch).
I've never had a constant stretch like this since the times I used to fill in at the Dixon stations.
39 hours x 9.25/hour x 0.77 = my typical paycheck for this time. It's certainly a much-needed stimulus. Aside from the typicals, I need a new picture camera, two new rear tires for my car, and new wiper blades.
I'm working a mix of days and nights. Some say that I'm the reason for the scheduling drama, but I always try to find ways to make conflicts resolveable. While I am harsh about my Fridays, I was able to work out a deal where I could do two hours this coming Friday night to help someone.
Bending around like that needs to be a habit to survive in adulthood.
Lovin'
I have a poem for Valentine's Day. It is dedicated to four special girls whom I love very much.
Current Song - Makes Me Wonder (Maroon 5)
Life is just being lived right now.
Recently it's been in a constant state of flux with nothing new ever happening. I just finished my fifth straight day of work, and finished with nearly 39 hours for the first time in a long time.
Three straight weeks of 39 hours can be both good and bad.
I feel like writing, but can't organize a thought together.
Here goes:
Losin'
I recently hit the -30 mark in losing weight. Much of that is because I'm just not eating the things I used to in the same quantity. I have reduced the number of calories consumed per day while moving around a little more than usual.
The next stage involves eliminating certain foods from the cabinet. Fast food has gone down. Meat has gone down. Everything else, however, has remained the same.
A trip from a friend made me aware of sodium. Because of trying to save money, the stuff that I have been buying to keep meals wholesome happen to have plenty of sodium in them: chili, soups, pot pies, etc. Perhaps that's the next step.
I'll try by going normal for a couple of days while making a sodium count. Then cut back on that, and see if that translates into weight loss.
Chili, soups, pot pies and TV dinners have been this single man's food intake lately. Why? Because they are cheap, but filling.
Savin'
As a result of my constant price checking, I have determined that I won't pay more than a dollar for chili. Most chili is the same except for Wolf (too spicy for me) and Chiliman (my favorite). As far as chicken noodle soup goes, my limit is 50 cents a can.
The pot pies and TV dinners have all come courtesy of Hy-Vee. No, I didn't travel all the way to Clinton (the nearest Hy-Vee) just for them. I pulled the flyers out of the Quad City newspapers I sell at work. Then I take them to Wal-Mart, where they price match things.
I was able to get pot pies for 60 cents for 10 and get TV dinners for 80 cents for 10. All at Wal-Mart. All using price matching.
Actually, I had a 75-cents-off-8 coupon for the TV dinners. Ten TV dinners for $7.25. Without price matching and coupons, you'll be paying $10.00 instead.
I try to establish a minimum when I buy my "staple" items. I won't go any more than $2.50 for a 12-pack of pop, although I once bought 5 12-packs at Kroger for $10 during a sale. I won't go any more than $2.89 for a gallon of milk, although I saw an amazing-low $1.99 sale price for a gallon at a grocery store in Rockford recently.
Kroger was my latest store trip. I got a thing in the mail from them for a "$5 off" checkout coupon. I spent time sifting through the discounted bread and the manager's special shelves for things, as well as sifting through my coupons to see what can be doubled.
One thing I bought at Kroger was a four-pack of Energizer AAA batteries. It had a sale price of $3.49, but after doubling my 50-cent-off coupon, got it for $2.49. I haven't opened them yet, but really the only things I used a battery for are my audio recorder and my walkman. I'll be exploring the world of generic batties and see if they are worth it. Do they last as long?
Earnin'
As mentioned already, I will be working quite a bit lately. I have an off-day on Tuesday and one more on Friday, but I work another string of six days after that (working 14 days in a 16-day stretch).
I've never had a constant stretch like this since the times I used to fill in at the Dixon stations.
39 hours x 9.25/hour x 0.77 = my typical paycheck for this time. It's certainly a much-needed stimulus. Aside from the typicals, I need a new picture camera, two new rear tires for my car, and new wiper blades.
I'm working a mix of days and nights. Some say that I'm the reason for the scheduling drama, but I always try to find ways to make conflicts resolveable. While I am harsh about my Fridays, I was able to work out a deal where I could do two hours this coming Friday night to help someone.
Bending around like that needs to be a habit to survive in adulthood.
Lovin'
I have a poem for Valentine's Day. It is dedicated to four special girls whom I love very much.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Under The Weather
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.32.10
Current Song - Fool For The City (Foghat)
The flu has been going around lately. But I don't have that.
Instead, I cought a cold not too long ago. It progressed terribly while at work this past Saturday night.
It's a rare occasion when I call off of work, but I made the decision that night to do so for the Sunday afternoon shift I was slated to do. I do not recall the last time I called off work.
Saturday night was bad enough where my mind was in the wrong places. Since this was the start of the cold, I knew it was going to get worse on Sunday - and thus my work performance was also going to be sub-par.
In the past, I would have taken the risk to my health in order to earn money. In these times, I certainly do need it. However, in this process of growing up, I have learned not to be so careless about certain things.
Today, my cold is going away. The nose doesn't run, but the nagging cough still persists. Then last night I ate something that didn't quite agree with my throat. I'm taking deep breaths a little more often than usual.
I was off for three days. I spent all day Sunday in bed. I spent most of Monday in bed. Monday was the Martin Luther King basketball tournament at Hononegah, an event I had been going to for the past two years. I decided not to take the risk. Besides, not much came out of the tournament anyway.
Tuesday I felt well enough to make the trip down to Plano for a girls basketball game.
Now I'm just dealing with a sore throat.
I had three straight days off of work. However, I'll be working 11 the next 13 days. Just two off days.
The money will be raked in now.
Current Song - Fool For The City (Foghat)
The flu has been going around lately. But I don't have that.
Instead, I cought a cold not too long ago. It progressed terribly while at work this past Saturday night.
It's a rare occasion when I call off of work, but I made the decision that night to do so for the Sunday afternoon shift I was slated to do. I do not recall the last time I called off work.
Saturday night was bad enough where my mind was in the wrong places. Since this was the start of the cold, I knew it was going to get worse on Sunday - and thus my work performance was also going to be sub-par.
In the past, I would have taken the risk to my health in order to earn money. In these times, I certainly do need it. However, in this process of growing up, I have learned not to be so careless about certain things.
Today, my cold is going away. The nose doesn't run, but the nagging cough still persists. Then last night I ate something that didn't quite agree with my throat. I'm taking deep breaths a little more often than usual.
I was off for three days. I spent all day Sunday in bed. I spent most of Monday in bed. Monday was the Martin Luther King basketball tournament at Hononegah, an event I had been going to for the past two years. I decided not to take the risk. Besides, not much came out of the tournament anyway.
Tuesday I felt well enough to make the trip down to Plano for a girls basketball game.
Now I'm just dealing with a sore throat.
I had three straight days off of work. However, I'll be working 11 the next 13 days. Just two off days.
The money will be raked in now.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
So, How's That Diet Coming Along?
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.71.10
Current Song - I'll Play For You (Seals & Crofts)
I returned to NISB work on January 6.
As of this writing, I am down to 316. That is a -27 difference from when I began this crusade.
I missed it so much that I somehow immersed myself in so much work. This is high school sports withdrawl. At one point I forgot that I was on a diet. That was when I made up a plan to have something up on the website every day. I was trying to schedule myself to go to games at every available moment I wasn't either working or sleeping.
So now I got to find a way to maintain a sufficient high school sports website, AND lose weight, AND rake in enough dough at work to make it all happen.
Basically, I need to create more exercise time.
I have also taken in an increased work load for the rest of this week and all of next week. This therefore cuts into to website time. I don't have a problem with it, as this helps get me back into both financial and physical shape.
My only regret is that I sometimes have to miss big games because of more important commitments. Tonight's boys basketball game between Winnebago (66) and Lutheran (63) at Rock Valley College was a perfect example. Probably THE biggest boys basketball game of the year, but I had to work an afternoon shift from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. I didn't complain. I knew that with this type of balancing that these things were going to happen.
Right now, all I have left scheduled to do is the Belvidere @ East boys basketball game on Friday, the Hononegah MLK Tournament on Monday, and Ottawa @ Sterling boys basketball on Tuesday. I've only see one varsity girls basketball game this year (Sterling v. Newman) and one wrestling meet (LeWin/West Carroll @ Dakota). Obviously this is my worst school year since I started in this profession.
I have a plan in place that will hopefully make things less stressful. However, I am not going to reveal this plan on here, because I am becoming sick and tired of the constant upstaging.
But enough about my website work.
I'm pleased with the results so far, of being down 27 pounds since the starting line. This is usually the time of year when things start to go up because of the winter weather and such. So far I'm bucking that trend.
After writing this, I'm hoping to make a trip over to the treadmill and walk until I can't walk no more. I'll be wearing my Stan Getz Songbook on my headphones. The 50s soft jazz music provides the kind of motivation I need. These sax songs are those that you'd typically hear in a quiet bar while you and your lover are slow dancing on a stage.
Now I'm thinking deeper about my failures at love.
Time to get moving.
Current Song - I'll Play For You (Seals & Crofts)
I returned to NISB work on January 6.
As of this writing, I am down to 316. That is a -27 difference from when I began this crusade.
I missed it so much that I somehow immersed myself in so much work. This is high school sports withdrawl. At one point I forgot that I was on a diet. That was when I made up a plan to have something up on the website every day. I was trying to schedule myself to go to games at every available moment I wasn't either working or sleeping.
So now I got to find a way to maintain a sufficient high school sports website, AND lose weight, AND rake in enough dough at work to make it all happen.
Basically, I need to create more exercise time.
I have also taken in an increased work load for the rest of this week and all of next week. This therefore cuts into to website time. I don't have a problem with it, as this helps get me back into both financial and physical shape.
My only regret is that I sometimes have to miss big games because of more important commitments. Tonight's boys basketball game between Winnebago (66) and Lutheran (63) at Rock Valley College was a perfect example. Probably THE biggest boys basketball game of the year, but I had to work an afternoon shift from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. I didn't complain. I knew that with this type of balancing that these things were going to happen.
Right now, all I have left scheduled to do is the Belvidere @ East boys basketball game on Friday, the Hononegah MLK Tournament on Monday, and Ottawa @ Sterling boys basketball on Tuesday. I've only see one varsity girls basketball game this year (Sterling v. Newman) and one wrestling meet (LeWin/West Carroll @ Dakota). Obviously this is my worst school year since I started in this profession.
I have a plan in place that will hopefully make things less stressful. However, I am not going to reveal this plan on here, because I am becoming sick and tired of the constant upstaging.
But enough about my website work.
I'm pleased with the results so far, of being down 27 pounds since the starting line. This is usually the time of year when things start to go up because of the winter weather and such. So far I'm bucking that trend.
After writing this, I'm hoping to make a trip over to the treadmill and walk until I can't walk no more. I'll be wearing my Stan Getz Songbook on my headphones. The 50s soft jazz music provides the kind of motivation I need. These sax songs are those that you'd typically hear in a quiet bar while you and your lover are slow dancing on a stage.
Now I'm thinking deeper about my failures at love.
Time to get moving.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Anxiety Moments
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.41.10
Current Song - Subdivisions (Rush)
Those that grew up with me throughout middle school and high school know that I was the perfect example of high anxiety.
I hated getting up and talking in front of the class. I hated responding to a teacher's question when called upon. If these simple cases made me feel uncomfortable, imagine the "proud" moments of teenage life.
My sophomore speech class was a disaster, up until the final speech - which happened to be something I was really comfortable talking about. The class gave me a standing ovation after my speech.
If you grew up with me, you have seen at least one or two of these "anxiety moments" when my mind shuts down. In addition to the classroom, these moments also include going up to bat in little league, talking to family about school, and anything to do with girls.
Perhaps my biggest anxiety moment happened 11 years ago in the lobby of Tabor Gymnasium at RFHS.
There was this girl that liked me. One that I didn't know too much of. I was watching a RF basketball game in the student section, and her friends were pointing her out to me one section over. The game got over and all of the students made their way out of the gym.
At the moment I heard the words "Here she is Cody," I had the biggest anxiety attack in my life. All I was able to do was wave at her and walk out the door.
I wasn't quite ready for all of this, and a million thoughts entered my head in a split second. This jam of thinking made me sick to my stomach and the only way out was to exit the building and into my car. I did so thinking she would understand what had just happened, and there would be another time to actually make good on it. It turned out that this "relationship" was over after that moment.
That was the closest I had come to having a girlfriend.
I felt that moment took about 15 seconds. It may have lasted much longer than that, I don't know, I'd have to ask those that were there. It was the biggest anxiety attack that I had, but it wasn't the longest. I had quickly recovered from it and proceeded to move on. However, I wasn't the same after that moment.
You want to know some of those thoughts that spiked in my mind in that split second?
"What do I do know?"
"How do I maintain this?"
"I don't have any cash on me."
"What do I say?"
"I hope she doesn't realize that I really don't know her all that well."
"Will my Sterling friends look at me as if I'm some handicapped kid?" - I hated this feeling in school.
"What will my parents think? I hope they don't do anything to embarass me."
"What will my grandparents think? I REALLY hope they don't do anything to embarass me."
"Just how cool am I?"
When all of this, and the many more I can't recall, crashes inside my mind, it leads to a logjam of emotions and triggers a way to escape.
These were the same feelings that I had felt during almost every interaction with girls I had in school. I realized this, and that alone made things feel much worse.
Certain girls I could work with. Others I could not. It all depended on whether I REALLY "liked" her.
Let's use classroom groupwork as an example. Say I was paired with the girl I liked and two other kids. Things would go well until she would "make her move" (a longer than usual stare, or trying to hold my hand) to try to find out if what she hears is real. An excalating shutdown in my mind would take place.
It used to be, at Sterling, you knew Cody liked you if he would shut down in front of you. I knew that, and I tried my hardest to prevent myself from shutting down. The thought in my mind was this: If I shut down, they'll think that I'm useless and therefore not worthy of her heart.
Up until that moment at Tabor Gym 11 years ago, I was really careless when it came to liking girls. I liked them, and that was it. Only after that high anxiety moment did I start to stop and think about exactly how to undertake these relationships.
It was like going back to the drawing board and thinking about how to make these things all work out. I started thinking about the process without any particular girl in mind. Then I started thinking about the process with a particular girl - one of the best girls that everyone liked - and tried to figure out ways to apply that to any girl. I did all of this utilizing TWO schools worth (Sterling and Rock Falls).
You never heard about Cody liking a particular girl after that high anxiety moment. That's why. It's been 11 years and I'm still working hard at the drawing board with the X's and O's. But the truth is, there do exist girls that I liked since then, however I have kept quiet about things. Keeping quiet about these things have so far limited my girl-related anxiety issues.
However, by the time I was feeling comfortable with my ideas, the girls I liked were sold to someone else forever. Once the pool ran dry, the sports journalism started taking over my life.
Since working as a journalist, talking to girls has become much easier. Every girl that I have talked to since then has been strictly on a professional level. Although sometimes I have to dip down into conversational levels (equal to the girls' method of normal conversation) to help calm down one's nervousness during an interview.
Being interviewed can be a high anxiety moment. At first I didn't know how to help calm that anxiety in these high school kids (I have noticed this is more the case with girls than boys). I learned to stop smiling all of the time. However, I have wrestled with that feeling because I don't want to appear like a jackass. I've done these interviews enough times to make people feel comfortable.
My early days as a journalist involved the Rock Falls girls that I had known since little league softball days. That experience was huge because that involved trying to be a professional-minded journalist while around a bunch of friends -- and in some cases, trying to balance love and work.
One case involved double anxiety. That's still the toughest interview I've ever had to do.
Then I found myself back at Tabor Gym for an event not too long ago.
I would not have walked up the bleachers and sat down and made conversation 11 years ago to these two girls. I did this time. When all was said and done, I had this humbling feeling in me as if I broke out of an anxiety shell. Lately I have tried to figure out how that all happened. I figured it out. It was a combination of improved comfort in talking with girls through past interviews, and the fact that there was no longer anything to prove or a statement to make.
In other words, I no longer had a crush on these two girls.
When the time comes that a woman does come into my life, I feel more prepared now than I did 11 years ago. Whether there are considerable steps made is up to you to decide.
"The CODEMAN?????"
Current Song - Subdivisions (Rush)
Those that grew up with me throughout middle school and high school know that I was the perfect example of high anxiety.
I hated getting up and talking in front of the class. I hated responding to a teacher's question when called upon. If these simple cases made me feel uncomfortable, imagine the "proud" moments of teenage life.
My sophomore speech class was a disaster, up until the final speech - which happened to be something I was really comfortable talking about. The class gave me a standing ovation after my speech.
If you grew up with me, you have seen at least one or two of these "anxiety moments" when my mind shuts down. In addition to the classroom, these moments also include going up to bat in little league, talking to family about school, and anything to do with girls.
Perhaps my biggest anxiety moment happened 11 years ago in the lobby of Tabor Gymnasium at RFHS.
There was this girl that liked me. One that I didn't know too much of. I was watching a RF basketball game in the student section, and her friends were pointing her out to me one section over. The game got over and all of the students made their way out of the gym.
At the moment I heard the words "Here she is Cody," I had the biggest anxiety attack in my life. All I was able to do was wave at her and walk out the door.
I wasn't quite ready for all of this, and a million thoughts entered my head in a split second. This jam of thinking made me sick to my stomach and the only way out was to exit the building and into my car. I did so thinking she would understand what had just happened, and there would be another time to actually make good on it. It turned out that this "relationship" was over after that moment.
That was the closest I had come to having a girlfriend.
I felt that moment took about 15 seconds. It may have lasted much longer than that, I don't know, I'd have to ask those that were there. It was the biggest anxiety attack that I had, but it wasn't the longest. I had quickly recovered from it and proceeded to move on. However, I wasn't the same after that moment.
You want to know some of those thoughts that spiked in my mind in that split second?
"What do I do know?"
"How do I maintain this?"
"I don't have any cash on me."
"What do I say?"
"I hope she doesn't realize that I really don't know her all that well."
"Will my Sterling friends look at me as if I'm some handicapped kid?" - I hated this feeling in school.
"What will my parents think? I hope they don't do anything to embarass me."
"What will my grandparents think? I REALLY hope they don't do anything to embarass me."
"Just how cool am I?"
When all of this, and the many more I can't recall, crashes inside my mind, it leads to a logjam of emotions and triggers a way to escape.
These were the same feelings that I had felt during almost every interaction with girls I had in school. I realized this, and that alone made things feel much worse.
Certain girls I could work with. Others I could not. It all depended on whether I REALLY "liked" her.
Let's use classroom groupwork as an example. Say I was paired with the girl I liked and two other kids. Things would go well until she would "make her move" (a longer than usual stare, or trying to hold my hand) to try to find out if what she hears is real. An excalating shutdown in my mind would take place.
It used to be, at Sterling, you knew Cody liked you if he would shut down in front of you. I knew that, and I tried my hardest to prevent myself from shutting down. The thought in my mind was this: If I shut down, they'll think that I'm useless and therefore not worthy of her heart.
Up until that moment at Tabor Gym 11 years ago, I was really careless when it came to liking girls. I liked them, and that was it. Only after that high anxiety moment did I start to stop and think about exactly how to undertake these relationships.
It was like going back to the drawing board and thinking about how to make these things all work out. I started thinking about the process without any particular girl in mind. Then I started thinking about the process with a particular girl - one of the best girls that everyone liked - and tried to figure out ways to apply that to any girl. I did all of this utilizing TWO schools worth (Sterling and Rock Falls).
You never heard about Cody liking a particular girl after that high anxiety moment. That's why. It's been 11 years and I'm still working hard at the drawing board with the X's and O's. But the truth is, there do exist girls that I liked since then, however I have kept quiet about things. Keeping quiet about these things have so far limited my girl-related anxiety issues.
However, by the time I was feeling comfortable with my ideas, the girls I liked were sold to someone else forever. Once the pool ran dry, the sports journalism started taking over my life.
Since working as a journalist, talking to girls has become much easier. Every girl that I have talked to since then has been strictly on a professional level. Although sometimes I have to dip down into conversational levels (equal to the girls' method of normal conversation) to help calm down one's nervousness during an interview.
Being interviewed can be a high anxiety moment. At first I didn't know how to help calm that anxiety in these high school kids (I have noticed this is more the case with girls than boys). I learned to stop smiling all of the time. However, I have wrestled with that feeling because I don't want to appear like a jackass. I've done these interviews enough times to make people feel comfortable.
My early days as a journalist involved the Rock Falls girls that I had known since little league softball days. That experience was huge because that involved trying to be a professional-minded journalist while around a bunch of friends -- and in some cases, trying to balance love and work.
One case involved double anxiety. That's still the toughest interview I've ever had to do.
Then I found myself back at Tabor Gym for an event not too long ago.
I would not have walked up the bleachers and sat down and made conversation 11 years ago to these two girls. I did this time. When all was said and done, I had this humbling feeling in me as if I broke out of an anxiety shell. Lately I have tried to figure out how that all happened. I figured it out. It was a combination of improved comfort in talking with girls through past interviews, and the fact that there was no longer anything to prove or a statement to make.
In other words, I no longer had a crush on these two girls.
When the time comes that a woman does come into my life, I feel more prepared now than I did 11 years ago. Whether there are considerable steps made is up to you to decide.
"The CODEMAN?????"
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