Current Song - Subdivisions (Rush)
Those that grew up with me throughout middle school and high school know that I was the perfect example of high anxiety.
I hated getting up and talking in front of the class. I hated responding to a teacher's question when called upon. If these simple cases made me feel uncomfortable, imagine the "proud" moments of teenage life.
My sophomore speech class was a disaster, up until the final speech - which happened to be something I was really comfortable talking about. The class gave me a standing ovation after my speech.
If you grew up with me, you have seen at least one or two of these "anxiety moments" when my mind shuts down. In addition to the classroom, these moments also include going up to bat in little league, talking to family about school, and anything to do with girls.
Perhaps my biggest anxiety moment happened 11 years ago in the lobby of Tabor Gymnasium at RFHS.
There was this girl that liked me. One that I didn't know too much of. I was watching a RF basketball game in the student section, and her friends were pointing her out to me one section over. The game got over and all of the students made their way out of the gym.
At the moment I heard the words "Here she is Cody," I had the biggest anxiety attack in my life. All I was able to do was wave at her and walk out the door.
I wasn't quite ready for all of this, and a million thoughts entered my head in a split second. This jam of thinking made me sick to my stomach and the only way out was to exit the building and into my car. I did so thinking she would understand what had just happened, and there would be another time to actually make good on it. It turned out that this "relationship" was over after that moment.
That was the closest I had come to having a girlfriend.
I felt that moment took about 15 seconds. It may have lasted much longer than that, I don't know, I'd have to ask those that were there. It was the biggest anxiety attack that I had, but it wasn't the longest. I had quickly recovered from it and proceeded to move on. However, I wasn't the same after that moment.
You want to know some of those thoughts that spiked in my mind in that split second?
"What do I do know?"
"How do I maintain this?"
"I don't have any cash on me."
"What do I say?"
"I hope she doesn't realize that I really don't know her all that well."
"Will my Sterling friends look at me as if I'm some handicapped kid?" - I hated this feeling in school.
"What will my parents think? I hope they don't do anything to embarass me."
"What will my grandparents think? I REALLY hope they don't do anything to embarass me."
"Just how cool am I?"
When all of this, and the many more I can't recall, crashes inside my mind, it leads to a logjam of emotions and triggers a way to escape.
These were the same feelings that I had felt during almost every interaction with girls I had in school. I realized this, and that alone made things feel much worse.
Certain girls I could work with. Others I could not. It all depended on whether I REALLY "liked" her.
Let's use classroom groupwork as an example. Say I was paired with the girl I liked and two other kids. Things would go well until she would "make her move" (a longer than usual stare, or trying to hold my hand) to try to find out if what she hears is real. An excalating shutdown in my mind would take place.
It used to be, at Sterling, you knew Cody liked you if he would shut down in front of you. I knew that, and I tried my hardest to prevent myself from shutting down. The thought in my mind was this: If I shut down, they'll think that I'm useless and therefore not worthy of her heart.
Up until that moment at Tabor Gym 11 years ago, I was really careless when it came to liking girls. I liked them, and that was it. Only after that high anxiety moment did I start to stop and think about exactly how to undertake these relationships.
It was like going back to the drawing board and thinking about how to make these things all work out. I started thinking about the process without any particular girl in mind. Then I started thinking about the process with a particular girl - one of the best girls that everyone liked - and tried to figure out ways to apply that to any girl. I did all of this utilizing TWO schools worth (Sterling and Rock Falls).
You never heard about Cody liking a particular girl after that high anxiety moment. That's why. It's been 11 years and I'm still working hard at the drawing board with the X's and O's. But the truth is, there do exist girls that I liked since then, however I have kept quiet about things. Keeping quiet about these things have so far limited my girl-related anxiety issues.
However, by the time I was feeling comfortable with my ideas, the girls I liked were sold to someone else forever. Once the pool ran dry, the sports journalism started taking over my life.
Since working as a journalist, talking to girls has become much easier. Every girl that I have talked to since then has been strictly on a professional level. Although sometimes I have to dip down into conversational levels (equal to the girls' method of normal conversation) to help calm down one's nervousness during an interview.
Being interviewed can be a high anxiety moment. At first I didn't know how to help calm that anxiety in these high school kids (I have noticed this is more the case with girls than boys). I learned to stop smiling all of the time. However, I have wrestled with that feeling because I don't want to appear like a jackass. I've done these interviews enough times to make people feel comfortable.
My early days as a journalist involved the Rock Falls girls that I had known since little league softball days. That experience was huge because that involved trying to be a professional-minded journalist while around a bunch of friends -- and in some cases, trying to balance love and work.
One case involved double anxiety. That's still the toughest interview I've ever had to do.
Then I found myself back at Tabor Gym for an event not too long ago.
I would not have walked up the bleachers and sat down and made conversation 11 years ago to these two girls. I did this time. When all was said and done, I had this humbling feeling in me as if I broke out of an anxiety shell. Lately I have tried to figure out how that all happened. I figured it out. It was a combination of improved comfort in talking with girls through past interviews, and the fact that there was no longer anything to prove or a statement to make.
In other words, I no longer had a crush on these two girls.
When the time comes that a woman does come into my life, I feel more prepared now than I did 11 years ago. Whether there are considerable steps made is up to you to decide.
"The CODEMAN?????"
No comments:
Post a Comment