Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.03.80
Current Song - Dream On (Aerosmith)
When it comes to the most-cherished sports teams that I have covered in journalism:
1. Rock Falls Softball 2004 - for obvious reasons.
2. Rock Falls Volleyball 2002 - a team that I haven't written about as much. But I will now:
***
I recently wrote a column marking my 10th anniversary in journalism. While thinking back at the origins, I started to find that moment that would become the true turning point in my career.
It happened at the 2002 Dixon Volleyball Invitational.
I was working for Prep Sports Online, publishers of the high school sports websites for Sterling, Rock Falls, Dixon and Newman high schools. My duty was to work with the football and volleyball teams at Sterling, but for overtime purposes I would do the occasional Rock Falls game.
I had known several girls on the Rocket volleyball team from the summer league softball days - the ones a year ahead of me in high school (juniors). Marilyn may had also been on varsity as a sophomore, I can't recall right now. I had introduced them to this new website thing and so on.
In an effort to get as much content as possible on our PSO websites, I came up with the idea to bundle some things together at the Dixon Volleyball Invitational, where 3 of our schools were competing. I wanted to shoot three birds with a single stone here.
Because I was an official manager for the Sterling Volleyball team at the time, I rode to Dixon on their bus. I would focus on Sterling's matches, while quickly going over to either Rock Falls's or Dixon's matches to catch a little of them on video as well.
The Invitational wasn't a great one for Sterling. I think Sterling went winless and had an early exit. This meant I had to go back with the team. For insurance purposes, if you ride with the team to the game, you ride back with the team unless special permission from the parent is recieved. This, of course, spawned a huge conflict. Rock Falls was competing for either the title or 3rd place (I can't remember which), and it would be a shame if I didn't get that particular match captured.
I remember my coach finding me and telling me "we're ready to go!" I couldn't go. I told her that PSO had told me to tape this Rock Falls match as well, and so forth. We debate this for a while in the Dixon athletic office and making phone calls and all that. Finally, she came up with the idea that I never actually came down here with the team.
I was going to call my parents afterward for a ride back. I didn't bring my cell phone because I didn't need it, but I had rounded up enough change to find a pay phone. I was going to walk across the bridge into downtown and find a payphone to call my parents from.
After taping the game, I took a little break on a bench just outside of Dixon's gym. The Rock Falls team was ready to go board the van when one of them came up to me and offered me a ride back into town. (I'm thinking it was either Kelly or Bree).
Something like this was unheard of at the time. The first thing I thought was, "did you ask Sheila first?" Soon enough I was riding shotgun back to Sterling. Keep in mind, to get from Dixon to Rock Falls, it was easier to drive down Dixon Avenue/Rock Island Road. We went through Sterling. They were going to drop me off at my house ... well, now a bus-full of girls knew where I lived.
Riding in the front seat of the van back into Sterling, I was trying to piece together this act of generosity and why this all came about. I couldn't quite figure out why, but in the end this moment meant a lot to me. I wanted to cover Rock Falls a little more often after that.
It was after that when I began splitting my work time between Sterling and Rock Falls, but for that fall I remained Sterling's volleyball manager.
Perhaps the climax of all of this took place at Rock Falls's senior night against Dixon. I had a commitment with the Sterling girls that night and couldn't make it. The other PSO writer, Rocky, had covered it. The next day Rocky and I were at the office and he had told me about his assignment. Apparently one of the senior girls, Chelsea, had asked Rocky, "Where's Cody at????"
This meant a lot to me for many reasons. Primarily, it let me know that my work was appreciated by another side of the river in addition to Sterling. I was apparently doing something right when another audience, instead of the one I'm supposed to work with, appreciates my work. I also put myself in a position where I was working with more people than usual. I started keeping tabs on both schools, and one thing led to another.
Another gratifying comment happened with my work with the Dixon Girls Basketball team that winter. They had upset Sterling (AT Sterling) for the regional title. The star of the team, Tara, had thanked me after the game for all I did with the Dixon site. (On a side note, my work with Dixon led to my falling from grace at SHS).
Looking back now, if I had never been offered that ride back home from Dixon by the Rock Falls volleyball team, I'd have a different journalism future right now.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Friendships - The Longer, The Stronger
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.82.80
Current Song - Something About You (Level 42)
In an effort to quit thinking about the troubles of my past, I have to go back to it and figure out what NOT to think of. You can't change the past, but I've found out that you can tune some parts of it out.
The more "past" stuff you tune out, the easier it is to think ahead more than think backward.
I've been told a couple of important pieces of advice lately: Not to let the past define who you are; and not to change for anyone.
There are 2 versions of my past: The one I left behind in Rock Falls, and the one that was with me at Sterling.
I've written a lot on here about how great my past was at Rock Falls, and how it was not-so-much at Sterling. I look back at my fifth grade experience and socially I felt more sad and disappointed.
I feel that people looked at me in 5th grade differently, as opposed to Merrill. I was more reclusive because I just couldn't find a way to click with this new crowd. They saw all of my flaws on the outside, called it weird, and forever defined me based on this only. It's like they didn't want to know who I really was, or didn't have the time to.
That's why I constantly whine about wanting to go back in time and change it so that I didn't move. I know I can't do it, though.
There were 4 other new kids in my 5th grade class, 2 of them came in mid-year. I could only watch as Josh and Ryan were picked on and pushed over because of flaws. I looked at these moments and kind of figured that they were doing that to me, too.
They didn't have enough information to define me (except for two classmates that I once had at Merrill), and went by only what they knew. Via the melting pot theory, this is what people knew of me at Challand, too - and it stuck, with my Sterling classmates growing accustomed to this definition of me.
Sometimes I felt like taking an unorthodox approach to fit in, such as the Top 50 List. Each and every effort backfired and made me worse.
I may have moved away at the most inopportune time - 4th grade into 5th grade.
If only I could ask those that teach the higher grade of elementary school this:
1) Is it human nature for "new kids" in 4th and 5th grade to be defined based on so little?
2) Was I dealt a bad hand of classmates for 5th grade?
I'm trying to figure out if #2 was possible. Then I know what to tune out when it comes to my past. I know what I'm NOT tuning out for sure: those days at Merrill, Jefferson and Wallace. When I found myself very disappointed in Sterling, I ran away across the river. Everything was happy, and I couldn't quite figure out what made Rock Falls different from Sterling.
(Now, as I turn the tables on them for picking on me, I have to say that they are not bad people. They were just that way when it came to me, and me only)
When I got re-acquainted with my old friends from Rock Falls , their memory of me had ceased when I moved away after fourth grade. Therefore, they weren't influenced by this assumption bullshit that started in fifth grade.
I grew up with them. They knew exactly who I was. They told their friends of what I was like then, and based their conclusions of me from just that. And that's why I embrace them more.
Yes, I had flaws while growing up at Merrill, but at least my classmates there were able to see what kind of person I was inside.
I've found myself in larger and easier conversations with my Merrill classmates than anyone from Sterling. I've been fortunate enough to maintain these friendships and memories dating nearly 20 years, even if I only see them once or twice a month anymore.
Just before high school graduation, I paid a visit to Merrill. I had lost all of my yearbooks and class pictures from that time (But I still had my 1st grade Spelling book and Birthday Cards from my 2nd grade classmates - I was sick on my birthday). My third-grade teacher helped me out, as well as another teacher. They asked me why I was doing this. I told them that they (my classmates) were a part of my past that defined me and that I had great memories of. I wanted something - a reminder - to appreciate as I moved forward into college.
We grew up together. These were the people that I grew up with and have the fondest memories of. These people are the ropes that I want to hold on to as I move forward with my life.
That is, if these people are willing to let me keep in touch.
Current Song - Something About You (Level 42)
In an effort to quit thinking about the troubles of my past, I have to go back to it and figure out what NOT to think of. You can't change the past, but I've found out that you can tune some parts of it out.
The more "past" stuff you tune out, the easier it is to think ahead more than think backward.
I've been told a couple of important pieces of advice lately: Not to let the past define who you are; and not to change for anyone.
There are 2 versions of my past: The one I left behind in Rock Falls, and the one that was with me at Sterling.
I've written a lot on here about how great my past was at Rock Falls, and how it was not-so-much at Sterling. I look back at my fifth grade experience and socially I felt more sad and disappointed.
I feel that people looked at me in 5th grade differently, as opposed to Merrill. I was more reclusive because I just couldn't find a way to click with this new crowd. They saw all of my flaws on the outside, called it weird, and forever defined me based on this only. It's like they didn't want to know who I really was, or didn't have the time to.
That's why I constantly whine about wanting to go back in time and change it so that I didn't move. I know I can't do it, though.
There were 4 other new kids in my 5th grade class, 2 of them came in mid-year. I could only watch as Josh and Ryan were picked on and pushed over because of flaws. I looked at these moments and kind of figured that they were doing that to me, too.
They didn't have enough information to define me (except for two classmates that I once had at Merrill), and went by only what they knew. Via the melting pot theory, this is what people knew of me at Challand, too - and it stuck, with my Sterling classmates growing accustomed to this definition of me.
Sometimes I felt like taking an unorthodox approach to fit in, such as the Top 50 List. Each and every effort backfired and made me worse.
I may have moved away at the most inopportune time - 4th grade into 5th grade.
If only I could ask those that teach the higher grade of elementary school this:
1) Is it human nature for "new kids" in 4th and 5th grade to be defined based on so little?
2) Was I dealt a bad hand of classmates for 5th grade?
I'm trying to figure out if #2 was possible. Then I know what to tune out when it comes to my past. I know what I'm NOT tuning out for sure: those days at Merrill, Jefferson and Wallace. When I found myself very disappointed in Sterling, I ran away across the river. Everything was happy, and I couldn't quite figure out what made Rock Falls different from Sterling.
(Now, as I turn the tables on them for picking on me, I have to say that they are not bad people. They were just that way when it came to me, and me only)
When I got re-acquainted with my old friends from Rock Falls , their memory of me had ceased when I moved away after fourth grade. Therefore, they weren't influenced by this assumption bullshit that started in fifth grade.
I grew up with them. They knew exactly who I was. They told their friends of what I was like then, and based their conclusions of me from just that. And that's why I embrace them more.
Yes, I had flaws while growing up at Merrill, but at least my classmates there were able to see what kind of person I was inside.
I've found myself in larger and easier conversations with my Merrill classmates than anyone from Sterling. I've been fortunate enough to maintain these friendships and memories dating nearly 20 years, even if I only see them once or twice a month anymore.
Just before high school graduation, I paid a visit to Merrill. I had lost all of my yearbooks and class pictures from that time (But I still had my 1st grade Spelling book and Birthday Cards from my 2nd grade classmates - I was sick on my birthday). My third-grade teacher helped me out, as well as another teacher. They asked me why I was doing this. I told them that they (my classmates) were a part of my past that defined me and that I had great memories of. I wanted something - a reminder - to appreciate as I moved forward into college.
We grew up together. These were the people that I grew up with and have the fondest memories of. These people are the ropes that I want to hold on to as I move forward with my life.
That is, if these people are willing to let me keep in touch.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Evaulating My Conversation Abilities
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.62.80
Current Song - Take a Chance on Me (ABBA)
I have a hard time saying "I love you" to a girl that I truly love. This pains me deeply.
That starts with the inability to make conversation - to ANYONE.
***
I am coming up on 6 years of working at gas stations, the thing that I'm doing until I find a real journalism job.
I spent the entire 2005-06 school year out of work, simply because I wanted to devote time to the website and try to find a job come the summer. Gas stations were not for me at the time. However, I think my dad's words resonated in my head come September: "Maybe you'll make, I don't know, new friends ..." (and he didn't say that nicely).
I guess the point he was getting at was that I would be able to talk more and make more conversation. Throughout middle school and high school, if you heard me talk it was a rare occurance. I would only talk when someone was talking to me.
That largely brought me back working again, at BP.
The "making new friends" part? It really didn't hit until I started working at Shell, where there is a table that people can sit around. Only as of late is that starting to come around.
What I CAN announce progress of is finding the connecting pieces to continue conversation. It's little progress, but is still remarkable. I'm still quiet, but when talked to, I am finding it easier to carry on the conversation through questions and digging through my related stories.
Lately, I have tried to use humor to prolong discussion. While I'm working the cash register, I'll sometimes make mistakes and I'll make light of this through either making fun of myself or turning the mood into a fun one. Just as long as I don't do this on purpose.
While I feel that I have improved in getting more words out of my mouth as a gas station clerk, I am still extremely struggling at interactions with people I know from school.
***
I feel when people I knew in high school (both students and teachers) stop by my gas station, they feel that I'm still the same person that I was in high school - one that rarely ever spoke in class and even at all. I can't quite talk to people that I know the same way that I talk to people that I don't know all that well.
That's what I'm trying to get out of.
Luckilly, I have maintained my network of friends from high school (and from both sides of the river). I guess my actions speak louder than my spoken words. In this day of age with Facebook, Twitter and text messaging, talking about people behind other's backs has become easier to do. Their visual memory of me is that of a silent person. Thus, when they see that this same person is not silent, something seems off.
While this would mark a lot of progress, I have this fear that when people notice me talking more that they'll tell all of their friends that something is not right (or that I may need medical assistance or counseling).
I also don't like initiating icebreakers to people that I already know: topics such as weather, gas prices, current news and the like. Then it seems like an obvious attempt at me trying to make conversation for the sake of saying that I can make conversation. Thus, it's all about "me" and not "you." I kind of fear that.
***
It's not like I don't talk because there's nothing on my mind. OF COURSE there is always something on my mind (why do you think I have this Blog?). For the past month, the topic of schooltime crushes on girls has been on my mind.
I could talk about this extensively, as well as high school sports-related topics. But what makes of afraid to speak about what's on my mind is when we are on opposite worlds. "Yeah, so what." and the fear of being unintersting or boring. I fear the awkwardness of a random subject.
I have found that my most comfortable way in engaging in converation with friends from school is about the PAST in the form of "remember when?" (This sounds like the SNL skit "The Chris Farley Show")
***
I feel weird when asking an obvious question. Likewise, I hate when questions that have obvious answers are asked to me.
Say a friend brings a boat to the gas station to top off its tank. Why should I be saying, "Are you going boating?" Well, duh, of course he is going boating.
When people look at a sign that says "out of order," why do they ask me if it is out of order? I have to roll my eyes at this. That's why I don't ask questions like this, as I may get the rolled-over look. They think I'm stupid or something.
Such questions can go 2 ways: an icebreaker or a stupid question. I can't find any gray area with this, and that's what makes me afraid to ask such questions.
***
Sometimes conversations can end abruptly. This happens when I say something to drain out the conversation process. In recent conversations, I often find myself looking for that quick exit to end the conversation. I don't really know why.
***
When it comes to starting an exchange, the question of "What's up?" is often posed. I get this question all of the time at work, and all I can think of is "not much." Sometimes I say "Good" as if I think they are saying "how are you?" when they are really not.
When I say "not much" it is used as an excuse to not engage in dialogue because I don't think the other person will understand what I'm talking about. If I literally went into detail about what was up with me, it would wreak of drama.
After 6 years of greeting gas station customers, it's turned into a habit. "What's up" is always met by "not much" without me thinking about it first. I guess this is may own fault.
***
As mentioned, I was very quiet in school and rarely initiated any conversation unless it was absolutely necessary. Thus, I could NEVER find it in me to make converational-based phone calls to fellow classmates like everyone else did.
The last time I made a conversational-based phone call to a classmate was in 7th grade. Yes, 7th grade.
Just before this, I had made the call to the girl I liked at the time - the one I gave a rose to at the school dance - and this featured the yes-or-no "going out" question.
Not too long after that I was involved with the Challand Talent Show. I was eventually kicked out of this show right in the middle of rehersal. Many of my classmates were excited that I was going to be a part of this: Seth, Pat, Corey, Nathan, Daniel, Ted, Cooper, Derek, Brian, etc. I was kicked out for saying "tampons" in an impersonation.
Rather than look like a fool come showtime - as they would have thought I chickened out at the last minute - I decided to call my friends up one-by-one and explain what happened. It was the first phone call they had ever gotten from Cody Cutter - ever. I remember calling Corey first, and then the rest seemed easy after that. I picked Corey because he was the most talkative, and I thought I could pick something up from that.
Since that time, I never really had a need to make phone calls to engage in conversational dialogue. The times just never happened.
This is because I eventually run out of things to say - and thus the conversation ends earlier than planned, and much to my extreme disappointment. I get so frustrated that I can't find a way to extend the conversation that the other person just walks away and moves on.
I can't simply wake up one day and call someone that I know from school. I just do not know what to say. I fear the randomness of the questions will just suck. Then the word gets out to the rest of my friends that I'm completely bad at it, and so on and so on.
This feeling is so much worse off today, when a good portion of my school friends have a married life with kids.
I would feel like a fool for interfering with their life out of the total blue. Another fear that makes me bad at conversation.
***
In order to have the confidence to move on to the next chapter in my life, I need this.
Current Song - Take a Chance on Me (ABBA)
I have a hard time saying "I love you" to a girl that I truly love. This pains me deeply.
That starts with the inability to make conversation - to ANYONE.
***
I am coming up on 6 years of working at gas stations, the thing that I'm doing until I find a real journalism job.
I spent the entire 2005-06 school year out of work, simply because I wanted to devote time to the website and try to find a job come the summer. Gas stations were not for me at the time. However, I think my dad's words resonated in my head come September: "Maybe you'll make, I don't know, new friends ..." (and he didn't say that nicely).
I guess the point he was getting at was that I would be able to talk more and make more conversation. Throughout middle school and high school, if you heard me talk it was a rare occurance. I would only talk when someone was talking to me.
That largely brought me back working again, at BP.
The "making new friends" part? It really didn't hit until I started working at Shell, where there is a table that people can sit around. Only as of late is that starting to come around.
What I CAN announce progress of is finding the connecting pieces to continue conversation. It's little progress, but is still remarkable. I'm still quiet, but when talked to, I am finding it easier to carry on the conversation through questions and digging through my related stories.
Lately, I have tried to use humor to prolong discussion. While I'm working the cash register, I'll sometimes make mistakes and I'll make light of this through either making fun of myself or turning the mood into a fun one. Just as long as I don't do this on purpose.
While I feel that I have improved in getting more words out of my mouth as a gas station clerk, I am still extremely struggling at interactions with people I know from school.
***
I feel when people I knew in high school (both students and teachers) stop by my gas station, they feel that I'm still the same person that I was in high school - one that rarely ever spoke in class and even at all. I can't quite talk to people that I know the same way that I talk to people that I don't know all that well.
That's what I'm trying to get out of.
Luckilly, I have maintained my network of friends from high school (and from both sides of the river). I guess my actions speak louder than my spoken words. In this day of age with Facebook, Twitter and text messaging, talking about people behind other's backs has become easier to do. Their visual memory of me is that of a silent person. Thus, when they see that this same person is not silent, something seems off.
While this would mark a lot of progress, I have this fear that when people notice me talking more that they'll tell all of their friends that something is not right (or that I may need medical assistance or counseling).
I also don't like initiating icebreakers to people that I already know: topics such as weather, gas prices, current news and the like. Then it seems like an obvious attempt at me trying to make conversation for the sake of saying that I can make conversation. Thus, it's all about "me" and not "you." I kind of fear that.
***
It's not like I don't talk because there's nothing on my mind. OF COURSE there is always something on my mind (why do you think I have this Blog?). For the past month, the topic of schooltime crushes on girls has been on my mind.
I could talk about this extensively, as well as high school sports-related topics. But what makes of afraid to speak about what's on my mind is when we are on opposite worlds. "Yeah, so what." and the fear of being unintersting or boring. I fear the awkwardness of a random subject.
I have found that my most comfortable way in engaging in converation with friends from school is about the PAST in the form of "remember when?" (This sounds like the SNL skit "The Chris Farley Show")
***
I feel weird when asking an obvious question. Likewise, I hate when questions that have obvious answers are asked to me.
Say a friend brings a boat to the gas station to top off its tank. Why should I be saying, "Are you going boating?" Well, duh, of course he is going boating.
When people look at a sign that says "out of order," why do they ask me if it is out of order? I have to roll my eyes at this. That's why I don't ask questions like this, as I may get the rolled-over look. They think I'm stupid or something.
Such questions can go 2 ways: an icebreaker or a stupid question. I can't find any gray area with this, and that's what makes me afraid to ask such questions.
***
Sometimes conversations can end abruptly. This happens when I say something to drain out the conversation process. In recent conversations, I often find myself looking for that quick exit to end the conversation. I don't really know why.
***
When it comes to starting an exchange, the question of "What's up?" is often posed. I get this question all of the time at work, and all I can think of is "not much." Sometimes I say "Good" as if I think they are saying "how are you?" when they are really not.
When I say "not much" it is used as an excuse to not engage in dialogue because I don't think the other person will understand what I'm talking about. If I literally went into detail about what was up with me, it would wreak of drama.
After 6 years of greeting gas station customers, it's turned into a habit. "What's up" is always met by "not much" without me thinking about it first. I guess this is may own fault.
***
As mentioned, I was very quiet in school and rarely initiated any conversation unless it was absolutely necessary. Thus, I could NEVER find it in me to make converational-based phone calls to fellow classmates like everyone else did.
The last time I made a conversational-based phone call to a classmate was in 7th grade. Yes, 7th grade.
Just before this, I had made the call to the girl I liked at the time - the one I gave a rose to at the school dance - and this featured the yes-or-no "going out" question.
Not too long after that I was involved with the Challand Talent Show. I was eventually kicked out of this show right in the middle of rehersal. Many of my classmates were excited that I was going to be a part of this: Seth, Pat, Corey, Nathan, Daniel, Ted, Cooper, Derek, Brian, etc. I was kicked out for saying "tampons" in an impersonation.
Rather than look like a fool come showtime - as they would have thought I chickened out at the last minute - I decided to call my friends up one-by-one and explain what happened. It was the first phone call they had ever gotten from Cody Cutter - ever. I remember calling Corey first, and then the rest seemed easy after that. I picked Corey because he was the most talkative, and I thought I could pick something up from that.
Since that time, I never really had a need to make phone calls to engage in conversational dialogue. The times just never happened.
This is because I eventually run out of things to say - and thus the conversation ends earlier than planned, and much to my extreme disappointment. I get so frustrated that I can't find a way to extend the conversation that the other person just walks away and moves on.
I can't simply wake up one day and call someone that I know from school. I just do not know what to say. I fear the randomness of the questions will just suck. Then the word gets out to the rest of my friends that I'm completely bad at it, and so on and so on.
This feeling is so much worse off today, when a good portion of my school friends have a married life with kids.
I would feel like a fool for interfering with their life out of the total blue. Another fear that makes me bad at conversation.
***
In order to have the confidence to move on to the next chapter in my life, I need this.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Dubuque Think Session
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
I was an angry mood last night.
Those in the sports world know what it's like when the Publisher of Northern Illinois Sports Beat gets angry. I feel like I have to withdraw from the world and take a breather. That breather was right smack in the middle of Friday. I was going to cover a football game, but I was just too pissed to cover something at the moment.
You see, I often get picked on for trying to keep up with journalism trends although I don't work for a newspaper, radio station or TV station. Who the hell does this "Cody kid" think he is, they say? It's like they - mostly print people - are trying hold me down whenever I try something different. It's like their mission is also to "Beat Cody" at all costs. I'm not saying all of print does this, but I have a feeling that there are certain people that enjoy making me look like an idiot and want to kick me out of the area sports scene.
I'm out-gunned. I'm out-resourced. I'm out-financed. I'm out-manned. I'm out-equipped. My conversation skills are far behind those. But I want to survive.
I don't do this for money. I don't get paid for what I do. It's all out of my own time and heart. And I don't do it for any awards.
What did I do to deserve this? I'm sick of it.
Now, granted, they aren't going to stop doing what they do, and they do a great job at it. They really do, and it's great work. What I just don't like are those who do it with making me look bad in mind.
This feeling made me sick, and I couldn't find myself to cover a football game.
So I ran away. Dubuque.
I ran up and down the hills of JoDaviess County and weaving through the valleys until crossing the bridge into Dubuque. I go to Dubuque maybe once or twice a month (a lot of those for blackjack at Diamond Jo) and it is a neat city.
I escaped what was troubling me and was soon staring at it from the other side. I was staring at the front corner gate to what I like to call my website "kingdom." I was staring at it in disgust while sitting at a bench along the Riverwalk.
I had hoped to find a solution, and eventually find that prayer booth (which is along the Riverwalk and looks like a phone booth) and pray for better things. I wound up not being able to find that booth.
My profession, my passion is being denied somehow. I try so hard, it's like they want to wipe me from the face of this area. What did I do wrong? I don't know. I'm sick of it. Absolutely sick of it. Pressure got to me and I retreated myself to another emergency "think session."
I'm so angry right now. I love my profession. Why do people want to take it away from me?
I know one thing: Telling them to stop is not an option. That would look foolish, and stupid. And it would look absolutely wrong to place a monopoly on high school sports coverage. I've had people suggest to me that it would happen one day, and I have told them absolutely not - as it would be disrespectful to the newspapers.
Remember in Star Wars when one of Darth Vader's generals stood up and declared that the Death Star is the most powerful thing in the universe? Then he got force choked? I actually had someone declare that the website is or will be the most powerful thing in the area when it comes to prep sports coverage. I had to kind of force choke this guy into getting him to shut up. Not gonna happen, people.
While trying to balance respect with trying to keep my career alive, I needed to think and think fast.
I found a drug store near one of the colleges and bought a spiral notebook. I didn't want to leave Dubuque until I took up every page of this notebook. I went back to the Riverwalk, and while staring at the area that I really do love, and scribbled notes on every one of the 70 pages (not taking up every line - which would take forever). These were website ideas that I could use one day. I'm not giving them out on here.
And if you're one of those people that's thinking about stealing this notebook, you're one of those people that I am angry at.
I spent several hours sitting at this bench, finally leaving around 2 a.m. I don't know anyone in Dubuque all that well and if I did (I just know of some college students at Dubuque, Loras and Clarke that I formerly covered in high school) I would probably make arrangements for a nap on a couch. (BTW the only 24-hour gas station closest to downtown is in a rough part of the city) My hand hurt like hell - and still does - but I had to get home.
So I crossed the moat on Route 20 back into the "kingdom."
Don't be scared of me. I'm not going to go on a violent spree of things. I just want to pick myself back up again.
Just quit picking on me. I'm sick and tired of being kicked to the curb.
I was an angry mood last night.
Those in the sports world know what it's like when the Publisher of Northern Illinois Sports Beat gets angry. I feel like I have to withdraw from the world and take a breather. That breather was right smack in the middle of Friday. I was going to cover a football game, but I was just too pissed to cover something at the moment.
You see, I often get picked on for trying to keep up with journalism trends although I don't work for a newspaper, radio station or TV station. Who the hell does this "Cody kid" think he is, they say? It's like they - mostly print people - are trying hold me down whenever I try something different. It's like their mission is also to "Beat Cody" at all costs. I'm not saying all of print does this, but I have a feeling that there are certain people that enjoy making me look like an idiot and want to kick me out of the area sports scene.
I'm out-gunned. I'm out-resourced. I'm out-financed. I'm out-manned. I'm out-equipped. My conversation skills are far behind those. But I want to survive.
I don't do this for money. I don't get paid for what I do. It's all out of my own time and heart. And I don't do it for any awards.
What did I do to deserve this? I'm sick of it.
Now, granted, they aren't going to stop doing what they do, and they do a great job at it. They really do, and it's great work. What I just don't like are those who do it with making me look bad in mind.
This feeling made me sick, and I couldn't find myself to cover a football game.
So I ran away. Dubuque.
I ran up and down the hills of JoDaviess County and weaving through the valleys until crossing the bridge into Dubuque. I go to Dubuque maybe once or twice a month (a lot of those for blackjack at Diamond Jo) and it is a neat city.
I escaped what was troubling me and was soon staring at it from the other side. I was staring at the front corner gate to what I like to call my website "kingdom." I was staring at it in disgust while sitting at a bench along the Riverwalk.
I had hoped to find a solution, and eventually find that prayer booth (which is along the Riverwalk and looks like a phone booth) and pray for better things. I wound up not being able to find that booth.
My profession, my passion is being denied somehow. I try so hard, it's like they want to wipe me from the face of this area. What did I do wrong? I don't know. I'm sick of it. Absolutely sick of it. Pressure got to me and I retreated myself to another emergency "think session."
I'm so angry right now. I love my profession. Why do people want to take it away from me?
I know one thing: Telling them to stop is not an option. That would look foolish, and stupid. And it would look absolutely wrong to place a monopoly on high school sports coverage. I've had people suggest to me that it would happen one day, and I have told them absolutely not - as it would be disrespectful to the newspapers.
Remember in Star Wars when one of Darth Vader's generals stood up and declared that the Death Star is the most powerful thing in the universe? Then he got force choked? I actually had someone declare that the website is or will be the most powerful thing in the area when it comes to prep sports coverage. I had to kind of force choke this guy into getting him to shut up. Not gonna happen, people.
While trying to balance respect with trying to keep my career alive, I needed to think and think fast.
I found a drug store near one of the colleges and bought a spiral notebook. I didn't want to leave Dubuque until I took up every page of this notebook. I went back to the Riverwalk, and while staring at the area that I really do love, and scribbled notes on every one of the 70 pages (not taking up every line - which would take forever). These were website ideas that I could use one day. I'm not giving them out on here.
And if you're one of those people that's thinking about stealing this notebook, you're one of those people that I am angry at.
I spent several hours sitting at this bench, finally leaving around 2 a.m. I don't know anyone in Dubuque all that well and if I did (I just know of some college students at Dubuque, Loras and Clarke that I formerly covered in high school) I would probably make arrangements for a nap on a couch. (BTW the only 24-hour gas station closest to downtown is in a rough part of the city) My hand hurt like hell - and still does - but I had to get home.
So I crossed the moat on Route 20 back into the "kingdom."
Don't be scared of me. I'm not going to go on a violent spree of things. I just want to pick myself back up again.
Just quit picking on me. I'm sick and tired of being kicked to the curb.
Dear Journal ...
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.52.80
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
#35's Waste of Space has been around since April of 2005 - more than seven years. The current archive dates back to the summer of 2007, as I have been using Blogspot since then.
When I started this blog, I was getting ready to graduate from high school. I wanted to use the blog to document the transition phase in my life from high school to college. I honestly didn't see this lasting for more than seven years. But here it is.
Writing wasn't a problem for me, but I had to think back to something that I consider the predecessor to #35's Waste of Space. This isn't a blog, but a written journal.
I found this journal recently while going through some boxes. The journal had a lock on it (which has since been busted) and was Coca-Cola themed. This documented the last two months of fifth grade, the following summer and the early days of sixth grade. The inspiration behind that? Doug Funnie.
Doug loved Patty Mayonnaise. I loved someone, too.
Having access to Cody's journal was worth more than gold to my fifth grade classmates. That's because I would write in it at recess and lock it.
I know I had tried to erase crush memories just recently, but I had to take a look inside my old journal. Sure enough, the withdrawl symptoms would hit.
Looking back at this, I'm glad I still have it around as it documents a very important part of my life - when I learned to keep myself up after feeling down after moving.
On the inside front cover, I wrote a bunch of "I (heart) (her name)"s over it. These entries were mostly a paragraph summary of the school day, with every moment of interaction with her detailed. Every smiling glance. Every time she pushed me. The time when she begged to help me pass out birthday treats. The time she kept smiling at me at least 50 times in a hour during class, and made kissing noises. The time she kissed me on the cheek. "Light My Fire" during the field trip to Galena.
There were a couple of entries that puzzled me. In one entry "she had asked if I'm still her boyfriend." In another I refer to her as "my girlfriend." It's funny that I don't actually recall this; we were never boyfriend/girlfriend or else I would have remembered it and things would have been MUCH different.
I didn't keep this journal updated regularly after fifth grade. It was just one of those things that I grew out of. But I didn't grow out of writing. Working with words would lead to the writing of short spy stories in 6th grade, which eventually led to the Top 50 List.
How ironic that only a couple of days after sending her a message, I find this journal.
I haven't heard back from her. I don't expect to. This was a very long time ago and we've both moved on.
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
#35's Waste of Space has been around since April of 2005 - more than seven years. The current archive dates back to the summer of 2007, as I have been using Blogspot since then.
When I started this blog, I was getting ready to graduate from high school. I wanted to use the blog to document the transition phase in my life from high school to college. I honestly didn't see this lasting for more than seven years. But here it is.
Writing wasn't a problem for me, but I had to think back to something that I consider the predecessor to #35's Waste of Space. This isn't a blog, but a written journal.
I found this journal recently while going through some boxes. The journal had a lock on it (which has since been busted) and was Coca-Cola themed. This documented the last two months of fifth grade, the following summer and the early days of sixth grade. The inspiration behind that? Doug Funnie.
Doug loved Patty Mayonnaise. I loved someone, too.
Having access to Cody's journal was worth more than gold to my fifth grade classmates. That's because I would write in it at recess and lock it.
I know I had tried to erase crush memories just recently, but I had to take a look inside my old journal. Sure enough, the withdrawl symptoms would hit.
Looking back at this, I'm glad I still have it around as it documents a very important part of my life - when I learned to keep myself up after feeling down after moving.
On the inside front cover, I wrote a bunch of "I (heart) (her name)"s over it. These entries were mostly a paragraph summary of the school day, with every moment of interaction with her detailed. Every smiling glance. Every time she pushed me. The time when she begged to help me pass out birthday treats. The time she kept smiling at me at least 50 times in a hour during class, and made kissing noises. The time she kissed me on the cheek. "Light My Fire" during the field trip to Galena.
There were a couple of entries that puzzled me. In one entry "she had asked if I'm still her boyfriend." In another I refer to her as "my girlfriend." It's funny that I don't actually recall this; we were never boyfriend/girlfriend or else I would have remembered it and things would have been MUCH different.
I didn't keep this journal updated regularly after fifth grade. It was just one of those things that I grew out of. But I didn't grow out of writing. Working with words would lead to the writing of short spy stories in 6th grade, which eventually led to the Top 50 List.
How ironic that only a couple of days after sending her a message, I find this journal.
I haven't heard back from her. I don't expect to. This was a very long time ago and we've both moved on.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
All “Crush” Remnants Have Been Eradicated
The theme for this special entry: “Don't You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds. Listening to this while reading this may give you a feeling for what I'm writing here.
---
In the past month, I have written some very deep Blog entries detailing my history with girls. This will be my final entry on the theme.
In my mental nature, it takes me a LONG time to get rid of the grip of the crushes that I have. As mentioned before, I have had many – 20 to be exact.
I had debated, and asked for advice, regarding the release of names. I think most classmates of mine know of at least two girls. I thought that releasing names would get my head clear even more, but the more I think about this it is really a privacy matter. However, perhaps the time will come at a later date when I can tell these names.
Out of the 20 crushes: 1 in pre-school. 1 at Jefferson. 1 at Merrill. 2 at Lincoln. 6 more at Challand. 8 during high school (on both sides of the river). 1 in college.
You read that right, I had a crush on someone in pre-school. I don't think boys know this thing called love at age 5. I did for some reason. Usually the first sign of love in someone is a psychological trait in all little kids through “I love my mommy,” and was extended by showing of love from my aunt and from my grandmother. (Whether my first female playmate, my cousin Samantha, had anything to do with this, I don't know). I think this carried over to television cartoon characters such as Eureeka from “Eureeka's Castle” and Penny from “Inspector Gadget.”
I will never forget one scene from Eureeka's Castle when Eureeka was sleepy and wanted to take a nap. She yawned and spoke very softly in her high-pitched voice. It was probably the first minor sexual thrill I ever had. How that led to that, I just don't know. After that, it became solidified in my head that girls were very likeable, unless they provoke me. When we lived in Sterling (the first time) there was a girl my age that lived next door, and a couple more kitty-corner from that girl's house. All three provoked me in some way.
When I went to preschool for the first time, I was around quite a few girls that were my age. They didn't seem as bad as these three that lived near me. This solidified my belief, brought upon by Eureeka, that girls aren't so bad after all. They were better if they looked more like Cinderella and had the bright hair that Eureeka had.
Enter my first crush. Nevermind the fact that she had to get around with a cane. She was pretty. That's all I remember of her, however. I cannot remember any memories of interaction. Perhaps my preschool teachers know.
When I went to Jefferson for kindergarten, this girl I consider my first crush was not there. At this stage in my life, I believed that there had to be that ONE girl that I liked. Who could serve as that girl? (This is a thought process frowned upon by teenagers today, but it was simply human nature for me at age 6.) Kindergarten was also where I learned about friendship, and Seth was that friend for me. Along the way I think I told him that I liked this one girl in our class. Word may have gotten out, I don't know.
Remember that naptime thing from Eureeka's Castle? We had naptime in kindergarten, with those red and blue folding cushions. I remember sometimes trying to find a place to nap next to, or near, this girl I liked. That was crush No. 2.
Three schools in three years: We moved to Rock Falls and I went to Merrill. A whole different group of people. But it didn't take me too long to bring back that loving feeling. All I had to do was look to the desk to my left in my first-grade class. She reminded me of my first crush on how pretty she was, and also reminded me of the niceness of my second crush.
This crush lasted for four years – all of my years at Merrill – and I didn't have a crush on anyone else during that time. It's not who most people today think it is, and perhaps only I and my best friend Jared ever knew who it was. This brought about the first moment of actual admittance: Jared had insisted that I tell her, and went as far as bringing me over to his house and sitting on his porch with a phone. Apparently he knew the phone # and everything.
I couldn't find the courage in me to tell her directly that I loved her. I think the moment she found out was in fourth grade, where I wound up sitting next to her AGAIN. This was the stage where moments of love start to enter the minds of kids. In doing so, kids like to show their message through a pencil drawing of a heart with the girl's name in it. I had drawn one of her, and during a desk-cleaning she found it.
Then I moved away again.
I never went into detail about my first three crushes on this Blog before. But everything changed after finding this wonderful girl in fifth grade. With this being my last entry on this subject, I thought it would be appropriate to detail the history of how I became introduced to loving girls.
I never believed in that “cooties” crap.
***
The three early crushes were easily forgotten after having one on the fourth. I mention this in full detail in the final part of the entry, “Trying to Find Closure.” She was the girl that brought new meaning to what I knew about love.
Once I began growing up, the feeling of love became more defined and the crushes began to rotate between different people – hence the Top 50 List. Because of shyness, lack of communication abilities on my part, and the respect for all things nice, when I had a crush on someone it stays in my mind for a long, long time. “Respect for all things nice” sounds a lot like the Rock Falls softball girls. While I have said that I will always love them, I only had crushes on three of them.
Of the 14 crushes that I had in middle and high schools, four of them were forgotten before graduating.
As I was contemplating the rest of my life after high school, I still had remnants of 11 past crushes. As we all drifted apart, I had scrubbed away 6 of them during the first year of college, while having a crush on someone else during that time. That left remnants of 5.
The final five at that time range in having known them for as little as two years, and as long as 13.
As my future was become more defined, I had a brief hint that it was indeed time to move on. Plus, this is the time when relationships become much more stronger and leaning toward eventual marriage.
***
The final 3. The race to the finish line. Please don't get this confused with "deleting me from your life," as all of these girls will never be deleted from my life - just in the "crush" sense only.
One I had known since 1993. The other since 1997. The other since 1999. What had kept these three girls in my mind were their hearts, kindness, warmth, niceness, etc.
For four years I couldn't completely get these crush remnants, these tiny hints of it, of them out of my mind. Since then, two of them had gotten married, and both have kids. These two were the ones I never had the courage to admit to loving them. It only occurred to me within the past year that THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL.
My apologies to their husbands. I had tried to scrub these memories away, and perhaps it was bad timing.
It was high time to tear down the crush-related memories that I dwelled on for a long time of these two, and quickly. I had built a process toward doing this, starting with the first Blog entry on this subject. These two were going to be the first to go (the one I knew for the least amount of time first, then the most about of time next), with the one other coming last.
A couple of weeks ago I was able to finally convince myself to get rid of the first remaining. It had been a very long time since we had last seen each other. Since knowing her, she had been the most nicest to me from the other side of the river. What made me put these memories into the books was pretty much not seeing her a whole lot after college. It just kind of grew old and disappeared. My apologies to her and her husband, for me taking so long during this overlap.
As mentioned at the start, I think most classmates of mine know of at least two girls that I had a crush on. These two were the last ones to go.
Then came the process of scrubbing away crush-related memories of someone I have known for nearly 20 years – but only had a crush and later kind-of-crush on for the past 10 or so. She was just like the girl I had just mentioned, but was more reserved and shy when we were to ever talk. Plus the fact that I had known her even before all of this.
But unlike the girl I just mentioned, I would see her every now and again. Seeing people that I once liked becomes a visual memory of days past. Then, for a hint, the thought of “what if” and “could I still” would pop up. I had to slap myself in the face and tell myself that it just isn't possible anymore. It took me a month to do this, but I finally – finally – convinced myself that it was over last week. My apologies to her and her husband, for me taking so long during this overlap.
That left one – the one that had the most impact at a very critical moment in my life. The one whose been in my mind the longest: 15 years. She isn't married, and I wasn't sure if she was even dating anyone. That's what made her the hardest one to get rid of: the “what if” and “could I still.” I would see her every once in a while also.
I think it was all of the momentum that was thought out when trying to get rid of the one before this one. Now that she was the only one, it was tough to stop myself from having any belief. That's when I thought of the last Love Letter. I sent it yesterday morning.
Today was it.
All of my “Crush” remnants have been eradicated now.
The slate has been wiped clean.
I can now move on with my life at a faster speed than before.
This also means that I am once again looking for that special woman in my life, without anything holding me back.
Without anything holding me back.
Next Chapter ...
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Techno Logic
Cutter's Log – Stardate 2102.22.80
Current Song – Stone In Love (Journey)
I decided to experiment with video during the season-opening volleyball match between Sterling and Rock Falls at Tabor Gym.
“Experiment” meaning breaking down a wall in the form of underclassmen coverage.
The plan was to film all of the sophomore match and all of the varsity match, which I wound up doing successfully. Normally in journalism, only the varsity gets the media treatment. I had been thinking about underclassmen incorporation for a few years now, and this is one of the steps toward breaking down that wall. (Just so happens that I went to grade school with RF's sophomore coach).
I'll have a column or Publisher's Desk note about underclassmen coverage some time in the near future.
With a bunch of video saved on my camera, now came the hardest part of all: saving, chopping, downloading and publishing. It's taking longer than I thought.
It's been six hours since I started working on it, and as of this writing I'm waiting for the sophomore clips to be uploaded onto YouTube, where I then have to bunch together and finally publish. (It should be noted that I'm originally typing these words onto a Word document instead of on the Blog platform because my Internet is so slow due to the uploading).
First came saving the master copies onto the computer. Then came finding what clips to divide and eventually dividing them.
I wound up choosing 27 sophomore clips. I'm regretting the large number now. I'd rather have it at 10 next time. I also wound up choosing 30 varsity clips, not counting all of the postgame interviews. Ten. Ten, Cody. Ten.
Along this process I have found some quagmires with timestamps, especially with uploading. When uploaded, all of my clips are scattered on the Internet in random order. So I have to eventually piece them together like a jigsaw puzzle.
I can only hope the quality turns out better.
One of the great things about experimenting is that you can take notes on your baby steps. Then you can find things to change later when another time comes around. Needing to decrease the montages to fewer clips is one of the things circled in my scratch paper next to my keyboard.
I am planning on releasing the sophomore montage right away, and the varsity montage for Thursday's front page. Then a Q&A on a Boylan Golfer for Friday (long overdue) before headed to the yet-to-be-determined Week 1 football game.
This is going to be a very interesting year.
Current Song – Stone In Love (Journey)
I decided to experiment with video during the season-opening volleyball match between Sterling and Rock Falls at Tabor Gym.
“Experiment” meaning breaking down a wall in the form of underclassmen coverage.
The plan was to film all of the sophomore match and all of the varsity match, which I wound up doing successfully. Normally in journalism, only the varsity gets the media treatment. I had been thinking about underclassmen incorporation for a few years now, and this is one of the steps toward breaking down that wall. (Just so happens that I went to grade school with RF's sophomore coach).
I'll have a column or Publisher's Desk note about underclassmen coverage some time in the near future.
With a bunch of video saved on my camera, now came the hardest part of all: saving, chopping, downloading and publishing. It's taking longer than I thought.
It's been six hours since I started working on it, and as of this writing I'm waiting for the sophomore clips to be uploaded onto YouTube, where I then have to bunch together and finally publish. (It should be noted that I'm originally typing these words onto a Word document instead of on the Blog platform because my Internet is so slow due to the uploading).
First came saving the master copies onto the computer. Then came finding what clips to divide and eventually dividing them.
I wound up choosing 27 sophomore clips. I'm regretting the large number now. I'd rather have it at 10 next time. I also wound up choosing 30 varsity clips, not counting all of the postgame interviews. Ten. Ten, Cody. Ten.
Along this process I have found some quagmires with timestamps, especially with uploading. When uploaded, all of my clips are scattered on the Internet in random order. So I have to eventually piece them together like a jigsaw puzzle.
I can only hope the quality turns out better.
One of the great things about experimenting is that you can take notes on your baby steps. Then you can find things to change later when another time comes around. Needing to decrease the montages to fewer clips is one of the things circled in my scratch paper next to my keyboard.
I am planning on releasing the sophomore montage right away, and the varsity montage for Thursday's front page. Then a Q&A on a Boylan Golfer for Friday (long overdue) before headed to the yet-to-be-determined Week 1 football game.
This is going to be a very interesting year.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Self-Checkouts
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.12.80
Current Song - Early In The Morning (Gap Band)
I never thought Wal-Mart would cut back in anything.
My Wal-Mart store in Sterling had a very noticible cutback recently. You can only see the change during the late shift - where I shop on nights when I get off work at 1 a.m.
Wal-Mart used to have a single checkout lane open late at night. The lane was the one with all of the cigarettes, so they could be sold all 24 hours. Then they moved it closer to the exit, in one of those 10-items-or-less lanes.
Now they have no manned registers and are going the late-night Tollway method.
I have rarely used a self-checkout lane, mostly because I know that I'm pretty slow at getting things out of the cart and into the bagging area.
What bothered me a lot was the alert: "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." and so on ...
While I'm trying to get the baggage area problem rectified, there comes the alert: "Do you need more time?"
In trying to not be annoyed by these alerts, I go as calmly as possible without slamming any cans of fruit through the scanning glass and breaking it. I found out that going through an actual checkout lane was less stressful on my patience than "Unexpected item in baggage area."
In this recent trip to Wal-Mart, I had the rare opportunity to use a shopping cart for my items as I couldn't carry these things in my hands.
Ever been to Wal-Mart late at night? That's when all of the stocking is done in the grocery aisles, and you feel like you're invisible.
When I had to get to the self-checkout lane, I had to stop for a moment and think about how to do this. It seemed like a two-person job for my expanded grocery list - I can't imagine a grocery trip for a family of 10 and a self-checkout lane.
So when I put my cart in place, I took each item one-by-one and scanned it and placed it into the bag. Then I took the next item from the cart, scanned it, and put it in the bag.
This timidness when it comes to checkout lanes stems from some bad experiences at Aldi - you know, the store where cart use costs a quarter and you don't even take out the same cart you brought in. The clerks at my Aldi (both the new one and the old one on Avenue G) would literally reach across the counter, quickly scan the items and THROW them into the cart.
By the way, how is it possible to go to Aldi to buy just three things? By doing that you screw up their precious little cart system.
(Side note: "You grew up in Sterling/Rock Falls if" you ran along the Aldi bagging counter as a kid.)
I'm so used to the regular checkout, going back to the days when I would ride my bike to Rock Falls Eagle's as a chore to pick up the token thing(s) for the house. Because of this, I think I'll always have a preference to the regular checkout.
Current Song - Early In The Morning (Gap Band)
I never thought Wal-Mart would cut back in anything.
My Wal-Mart store in Sterling had a very noticible cutback recently. You can only see the change during the late shift - where I shop on nights when I get off work at 1 a.m.
Wal-Mart used to have a single checkout lane open late at night. The lane was the one with all of the cigarettes, so they could be sold all 24 hours. Then they moved it closer to the exit, in one of those 10-items-or-less lanes.
Now they have no manned registers and are going the late-night Tollway method.
I have rarely used a self-checkout lane, mostly because I know that I'm pretty slow at getting things out of the cart and into the bagging area.
What bothered me a lot was the alert: "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." and so on ...
While I'm trying to get the baggage area problem rectified, there comes the alert: "Do you need more time?"
In trying to not be annoyed by these alerts, I go as calmly as possible without slamming any cans of fruit through the scanning glass and breaking it. I found out that going through an actual checkout lane was less stressful on my patience than "Unexpected item in baggage area."
In this recent trip to Wal-Mart, I had the rare opportunity to use a shopping cart for my items as I couldn't carry these things in my hands.
Ever been to Wal-Mart late at night? That's when all of the stocking is done in the grocery aisles, and you feel like you're invisible.
When I had to get to the self-checkout lane, I had to stop for a moment and think about how to do this. It seemed like a two-person job for my expanded grocery list - I can't imagine a grocery trip for a family of 10 and a self-checkout lane.
So when I put my cart in place, I took each item one-by-one and scanned it and placed it into the bag. Then I took the next item from the cart, scanned it, and put it in the bag.
This timidness when it comes to checkout lanes stems from some bad experiences at Aldi - you know, the store where cart use costs a quarter and you don't even take out the same cart you brought in. The clerks at my Aldi (both the new one and the old one on Avenue G) would literally reach across the counter, quickly scan the items and THROW them into the cart.
By the way, how is it possible to go to Aldi to buy just three things? By doing that you screw up their precious little cart system.
(Side note: "You grew up in Sterling/Rock Falls if" you ran along the Aldi bagging counter as a kid.)
I'm so used to the regular checkout, going back to the days when I would ride my bike to Rock Falls Eagle's as a chore to pick up the token thing(s) for the house. Because of this, I think I'll always have a preference to the regular checkout.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Trying to Find Closure
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.02.80
Current Song - Take a Bow (Madonna)
In trying to ease away memories of my past, I remembered a note written on the back of a picture.
That note referred to a letter that I wrote. I remember writing it, about what I thought of her and how much she meant to me. Something this well-thought-out had to take me a while to write. Draft after draft after draft after draft ...
I wanted to perfect them to make that lasting impression. "Them" meaning I wrote to more girls at the same time.
Somehow I remembered saving a copy of the letter to the girl in my photo, as I typed them all up.
I'm looking back at this letter and thinking, "DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?!?!?!?"
The letter opens with the word "dearest" in the greeting. DEAREST? I wrote that? Wow.
I had to read the letter line-by-line with a piece of blank paper covering the rest of the copy. The first paragraph seemed simple until writing about eternity "together." I wrote that? Wow.
Starting the second paragraph, I'm telling myself, "No. I did NOT send this! I had to have edited it somehow!!"
It's funny though, in the 2nd paragraph I predicted - 7 years ago - that without her I would live a lonely life. Well I guess I was right on that part. Not her fault, though.
I used the word "baby" in describing her (between commas). I wrote that? Wow.
I wrote that I would change myself. Well, so much for that 7 years later.
"Love always and forever, Cody"
No. No. No. I didn't send this copy. I couldn't have. The fear would have been too much. But if I did, I guess nothing negative happened as a result.
***
I wrote the letter knowing that the chances of seeing all of each other again would be slim as we went forward with our lives after high school. There was no gel keeping all of us together in person anymore, unless a reunion was possible.
But there's really no drift right now as the closeness still remains the same. Sure, we're all moving forward, and when we do so, we move further and further away from our past.
That's what I'd like to do. No, not completely forget the memories, but keeping the friendships alive and putting the dreams into history - for the sole purpose of looking back and laughing about it later.
I think this is it now. This should have been stated a few years ago, but why now I just don't know.
I think this is it now.
She - in the "dreams and romance" form only - is out of my mind.
Moving on now ...
***
We now move to someone else.
She has just as much meaning to my life as the girl I just mentioned. But this one was a few years before.
When I was first feeling moments of disappointment and self-doubt, this particular girl was the image that lifted me up. This was fifth grade, and I had just moved to Sterling.
She never got a letter just before high school graduation. But the more I think of it now, she should have.
When you're the new kid, you get tested and a paper trail forms of you based on so little. I was a little awkward, and they let me know about it in some very bad ways. (Knowing all of the presidents of the United States backwards was awesome at Merrill, but nerdy at Lincoln. Why, I don't know.)
But there was one girl that I saw heart from. She remained the influence of all things good for the rest of our school days together. I did my best to show her how much I loved, cared and respected her.
I kept her 5th grade Valentine to me. It was of Piglet and Eeyore, with my name written just above Eeyore and her name just above Piglet. The white envelope had "Cody" written on it with "XOXOXO" written above and to the side. The bottom of the envelope had little hearts and she circled the group of hearts with her pencil.
I had a crush on someone for 4 years at Merrill. But this feeling at Lincoln was so much different, and deeper.
When I wrote about not being able to say the words "I love you" to any girl since 7th grade, she was one of those girls that I actually DID say those words to ... back in fifth grade. I looked back at my school days just as I was walking in the high school graduation procession and suddenly realized that I - the more grown-up version of me - wasn't able to tell her "I love you" and exactly why I loved her.
I still haven't.
I don't know what the reaction would be. My guess is negatively. She thinks I'm from the weird pile, and probably prefers that I stay there for the rest of her life.
When it comes to finding closure and getting her - in the "dreams and romance" form - out of my mind, I have to take another step.
I've got another letter in the works. After that, it's just a matter of getting it to her, wherever she is.
And when that happens, I think I can move forward just a little bit more quicker.
As for friendships, my hand's out. Where's her's?
Current Song - Take a Bow (Madonna)
In trying to ease away memories of my past, I remembered a note written on the back of a picture.
That note referred to a letter that I wrote. I remember writing it, about what I thought of her and how much she meant to me. Something this well-thought-out had to take me a while to write. Draft after draft after draft after draft ...
I wanted to perfect them to make that lasting impression. "Them" meaning I wrote to more girls at the same time.
Somehow I remembered saving a copy of the letter to the girl in my photo, as I typed them all up.
I'm looking back at this letter and thinking, "DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?!?!?!?"
The letter opens with the word "dearest" in the greeting. DEAREST? I wrote that? Wow.
I had to read the letter line-by-line with a piece of blank paper covering the rest of the copy. The first paragraph seemed simple until writing about eternity "together." I wrote that? Wow.
Starting the second paragraph, I'm telling myself, "No. I did NOT send this! I had to have edited it somehow!!"
It's funny though, in the 2nd paragraph I predicted - 7 years ago - that without her I would live a lonely life. Well I guess I was right on that part. Not her fault, though.
I used the word "baby" in describing her (between commas). I wrote that? Wow.
I wrote that I would change myself. Well, so much for that 7 years later.
"Love always and forever, Cody"
No. No. No. I didn't send this copy. I couldn't have. The fear would have been too much. But if I did, I guess nothing negative happened as a result.
***
I wrote the letter knowing that the chances of seeing all of each other again would be slim as we went forward with our lives after high school. There was no gel keeping all of us together in person anymore, unless a reunion was possible.
But there's really no drift right now as the closeness still remains the same. Sure, we're all moving forward, and when we do so, we move further and further away from our past.
That's what I'd like to do. No, not completely forget the memories, but keeping the friendships alive and putting the dreams into history - for the sole purpose of looking back and laughing about it later.
I think this is it now. This should have been stated a few years ago, but why now I just don't know.
I think this is it now.
She - in the "dreams and romance" form only - is out of my mind.
Moving on now ...
***
We now move to someone else.
She has just as much meaning to my life as the girl I just mentioned. But this one was a few years before.
When I was first feeling moments of disappointment and self-doubt, this particular girl was the image that lifted me up. This was fifth grade, and I had just moved to Sterling.
She never got a letter just before high school graduation. But the more I think of it now, she should have.
When you're the new kid, you get tested and a paper trail forms of you based on so little. I was a little awkward, and they let me know about it in some very bad ways. (Knowing all of the presidents of the United States backwards was awesome at Merrill, but nerdy at Lincoln. Why, I don't know.)
But there was one girl that I saw heart from. She remained the influence of all things good for the rest of our school days together. I did my best to show her how much I loved, cared and respected her.
I kept her 5th grade Valentine to me. It was of Piglet and Eeyore, with my name written just above Eeyore and her name just above Piglet. The white envelope had "Cody" written on it with "XOXOXO" written above and to the side. The bottom of the envelope had little hearts and she circled the group of hearts with her pencil.
I had a crush on someone for 4 years at Merrill. But this feeling at Lincoln was so much different, and deeper.
When I wrote about not being able to say the words "I love you" to any girl since 7th grade, she was one of those girls that I actually DID say those words to ... back in fifth grade. I looked back at my school days just as I was walking in the high school graduation procession and suddenly realized that I - the more grown-up version of me - wasn't able to tell her "I love you" and exactly why I loved her.
I still haven't.
I don't know what the reaction would be. My guess is negatively. She thinks I'm from the weird pile, and probably prefers that I stay there for the rest of her life.
When it comes to finding closure and getting her - in the "dreams and romance" form - out of my mind, I have to take another step.
I've got another letter in the works. After that, it's just a matter of getting it to her, wherever she is.
And when that happens, I think I can move forward just a little bit more quicker.
As for friendships, my hand's out. Where's her's?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
There's a Tug on My Lotto #s
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.91.80
Current Song - Circle of Life (Elton John)
Earlier this month I wrote a Blog entry that was read by at least two people that I know. Two people that mean a lot to me.
Sometimes I'm a believer in numbers and signs leading to luck. That night after finding out they read it I played their birthdates as Pick 4 numbers. Didn't work.
I added in some more birthdays into the latest big Powerball choice of numbers. Didn't work. Figures, I rarely every play the Powerball and Mega Millions.
However, I am more likely to play the Lotto. Saturday's jackpot of 5.75 million for Lotto is considered moderately high, so I decided to fill out a playcard with certain numbers. Six birthdates on one line and another certain number associated to them on the other line. All for $1.
The six birthdates were: 01-09-11-14-27-28
The six other numbers were: 01-02-09-23-24-35
Saturday's numbers for Lotto came in as follows: 10-12-14-28-35
I worked at Shell last night and went to print out the numbers from the machine as I usually do at 10:10. I looked at the Lotto offering and had to stare at it for a while.
I only matched two numbers on the birthdate line (14 and 28) and was two numbers away (if 09 would have been 10, and if 11 would have been 12) from getting four-of-six numbers for a ~$30 prize.
What made me stare at this even more was the presence of 14 and 28. These two birthdate days represented the second half of Pick 4 numbers I mentioned at the beginning of this entry.
And any day I can hit 35 correctly is a good day.
I didn't win anything today, but this draw sure caught my attention!
Current Song - Circle of Life (Elton John)
Earlier this month I wrote a Blog entry that was read by at least two people that I know. Two people that mean a lot to me.
Sometimes I'm a believer in numbers and signs leading to luck. That night after finding out they read it I played their birthdates as Pick 4 numbers. Didn't work.
I added in some more birthdays into the latest big Powerball choice of numbers. Didn't work. Figures, I rarely every play the Powerball and Mega Millions.
However, I am more likely to play the Lotto. Saturday's jackpot of 5.75 million for Lotto is considered moderately high, so I decided to fill out a playcard with certain numbers. Six birthdates on one line and another certain number associated to them on the other line. All for $1.
The six birthdates were: 01-09-11-14-27-28
The six other numbers were: 01-02-09-23-24-35
Saturday's numbers for Lotto came in as follows: 10-12-14-28-35
I worked at Shell last night and went to print out the numbers from the machine as I usually do at 10:10. I looked at the Lotto offering and had to stare at it for a while.
I only matched two numbers on the birthdate line (14 and 28) and was two numbers away (if 09 would have been 10, and if 11 would have been 12) from getting four-of-six numbers for a ~$30 prize.
What made me stare at this even more was the presence of 14 and 28. These two birthdate days represented the second half of Pick 4 numbers I mentioned at the beginning of this entry.
And any day I can hit 35 correctly is a good day.
I didn't win anything today, but this draw sure caught my attention!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Danny Isn't Afraid To Tell The Truth, And I Am
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2012.81.80
Current Song - Love Is (Herb Alpert)
(WRITER'S NOTE: I re-read this after publishing it, and this has the capability of having people draw up conclusions of myself. The past is the past, and I am moving on ...)
Another alternative timeline moment: If I had done what my youngest brother Danny did during his freshman year, I would have been like him.
But no, I went off on another path which led to Rock Falls loyalties that a lot of my Sterling friends didn't like.
What Danny is, could have been me.
Danny and I are alike in the fact that we both have a mental condition: his is Tourette's Syndrome and mine is Asperger's Syndrome. We're both the larger brothers of the 4 Cutter boys. Him and I still live together at our parent's house so he is the brother I see the most.
There is one striking difference between Danny and I ... Danny is not afraid to tell the truth when it comes to speaking his mind.
It's too bad there are no examples of it on his Facebook timeline, but he used to (and probably still does) post messages on girls' timelines to the tune of "I like you, "You are HOTTTT," "10," and "You are so sexy," for example.
And the girls would say something positive about it!
My, how times have changed since when I was in school!!!
If I would have posted things like that in the form of ICQ messages or Expage website guestbook entries, I would have been kicked to the shed by an army of people: The girl I liked, the friends of the girl I liked, the parents of the girl I liked, the principal of the school, and perhaps the police.
Before Internet communication, the way it used to be was through writing on pieces of paper. ICQ didn't become popular until I was in 8th grade. I did the ol' "slip the note through the locker crack" thing twice in middle school.
The first time, 6th grade, resulted in a trip to the counselor's office. It was a misunderstanding: "I can't live without you" was supposed to be a poetic way of expressing love - not a suicide note.
The second time, 7th grade, resulted in many angry confrontations between her friends (both female and male) and I that what I did was wrong and I was an idiot for writing the following: "I love you. Sincerely, your secret admirer."
It was these two incidents that further buried my chances at ever going out with anyone to this point in time. Granted, I look back at these two notes and know now that I should never have written them.
However, the backlash was absolutely staggering.
The incident in 7th grade was just before I had a crush on another girl - the one that I came a "yes-or-no" away to going out with. I really loved her. None of this "beating around the bush" stuff was going to happen if I were to ever find true love. That's when I decided to give her a rose during one of our school dances. If anyone bitched to me about that, I don't think my sanity would ever be the same.
Luckilly, the whole rose thing worked. After that came the big question, to which she said "no." Then the next day one of her friends told me (as mentioned in the previous Blog entry) to "never ask her out again."
***
Ever since then, I have been afraid to tell the ones I love my true feelings about them. She was the last girl that I looked in the eye and told her "I love you." (It should be noted that I really have never told the one girl I went out with* that in person, just over the phone and on ICQ)
I had written "I love you" on occasion through greeting card and typed letter, but never verbally with eye-contact since 7th grade.
I have feared the same consequences that were dealt to me in the previous occasions.
I have feared the loss of my managerial duties with the SHS varsity sports teams, which would have been huge because I was being PAID for boys and girls basketball. I have feared the loss of respect between my coach Bruce and I, as he is a big reason for the start of my journalism career. I have feared that Sheila and Rich would have banned me from Rock Falls's campus because I was a Sterling student. I have feared the loss of respect between my Sterling friends and Rock Falls friends and myself.
I have feared the loss of my journalism dreams. I have feared my own demise.
I have feared a loss of friendships if I were to ever say "I love you." I don't know how everyone else did it, but for some reason if it came out of my mouth it was percieved as very unusual. I would, at times, continue to beat around the bush and never say it directly to those I loved.
And I'm not going to tell them that now. What's the point telling them that at one time I loved them?
This is also why I have never really revealed who I have ever had a crush on by name - I also don't name any names out of respect. The names are only known by those that have already known at the time.
So in this renewed sense of understanding myself more, I don't even know what to think.
If I were to ever say "I love you" to someone, two things can happen. 1) It will be embraced. 2) An army of people will kick my ass and a profile will be kept of me. I have seen #2 happen before. I have yet to see #1.
***
Saying those three words is a huge risk for me.
But it isn't for Danny.
And look at him ... he's very popular at SHS. He has actually been to Homecoming and Prom. I have never been to either. He was even a Court for one of those, and may have been (I have to ask him) in the running for Homecoming King.
(The closest thing to one of those that I ever got was RFHS Homecoming 2003, but I'm pretty sure this was all a joke to make me feel slightly happy. We had "arranged" it during the '03 softball season but it was quickly forgotten by volleyball.)
Danny does things and he isn't afraid to do them. I guess that's why so many people like him.
I'm very proud of my little brother. He could have very easily been in the same shell that I'm in now, since we are both alike uin many ways, but I'm glad that so many people lent their hands to him.
Current Song - Love Is (Herb Alpert)
(WRITER'S NOTE: I re-read this after publishing it, and this has the capability of having people draw up conclusions of myself. The past is the past, and I am moving on ...)
Another alternative timeline moment: If I had done what my youngest brother Danny did during his freshman year, I would have been like him.
But no, I went off on another path which led to Rock Falls loyalties that a lot of my Sterling friends didn't like.
What Danny is, could have been me.
Danny and I are alike in the fact that we both have a mental condition: his is Tourette's Syndrome and mine is Asperger's Syndrome. We're both the larger brothers of the 4 Cutter boys. Him and I still live together at our parent's house so he is the brother I see the most.
There is one striking difference between Danny and I ... Danny is not afraid to tell the truth when it comes to speaking his mind.
It's too bad there are no examples of it on his Facebook timeline, but he used to (and probably still does) post messages on girls' timelines to the tune of "I like you, "You are HOTTTT," "10," and "You are so sexy," for example.
And the girls would say something positive about it!
My, how times have changed since when I was in school!!!
If I would have posted things like that in the form of ICQ messages or Expage website guestbook entries, I would have been kicked to the shed by an army of people: The girl I liked, the friends of the girl I liked, the parents of the girl I liked, the principal of the school, and perhaps the police.
Before Internet communication, the way it used to be was through writing on pieces of paper. ICQ didn't become popular until I was in 8th grade. I did the ol' "slip the note through the locker crack" thing twice in middle school.
The first time, 6th grade, resulted in a trip to the counselor's office. It was a misunderstanding: "I can't live without you" was supposed to be a poetic way of expressing love - not a suicide note.
The second time, 7th grade, resulted in many angry confrontations between her friends (both female and male) and I that what I did was wrong and I was an idiot for writing the following: "I love you. Sincerely, your secret admirer."
It was these two incidents that further buried my chances at ever going out with anyone to this point in time. Granted, I look back at these two notes and know now that I should never have written them.
However, the backlash was absolutely staggering.
The incident in 7th grade was just before I had a crush on another girl - the one that I came a "yes-or-no" away to going out with. I really loved her. None of this "beating around the bush" stuff was going to happen if I were to ever find true love. That's when I decided to give her a rose during one of our school dances. If anyone bitched to me about that, I don't think my sanity would ever be the same.
Luckilly, the whole rose thing worked. After that came the big question, to which she said "no." Then the next day one of her friends told me (as mentioned in the previous Blog entry) to "never ask her out again."
***
Ever since then, I have been afraid to tell the ones I love my true feelings about them. She was the last girl that I looked in the eye and told her "I love you." (It should be noted that I really have never told the one girl I went out with* that in person, just over the phone and on ICQ)
I had written "I love you" on occasion through greeting card and typed letter, but never verbally with eye-contact since 7th grade.
I have feared the same consequences that were dealt to me in the previous occasions.
I have feared the loss of my managerial duties with the SHS varsity sports teams, which would have been huge because I was being PAID for boys and girls basketball. I have feared the loss of respect between my coach Bruce and I, as he is a big reason for the start of my journalism career. I have feared that Sheila and Rich would have banned me from Rock Falls's campus because I was a Sterling student. I have feared the loss of respect between my Sterling friends and Rock Falls friends and myself.
I have feared the loss of my journalism dreams. I have feared my own demise.
I have feared a loss of friendships if I were to ever say "I love you." I don't know how everyone else did it, but for some reason if it came out of my mouth it was percieved as very unusual. I would, at times, continue to beat around the bush and never say it directly to those I loved.
And I'm not going to tell them that now. What's the point telling them that at one time I loved them?
This is also why I have never really revealed who I have ever had a crush on by name - I also don't name any names out of respect. The names are only known by those that have already known at the time.
So in this renewed sense of understanding myself more, I don't even know what to think.
If I were to ever say "I love you" to someone, two things can happen. 1) It will be embraced. 2) An army of people will kick my ass and a profile will be kept of me. I have seen #2 happen before. I have yet to see #1.
***
Saying those three words is a huge risk for me.
But it isn't for Danny.
And look at him ... he's very popular at SHS. He has actually been to Homecoming and Prom. I have never been to either. He was even a Court for one of those, and may have been (I have to ask him) in the running for Homecoming King.
(The closest thing to one of those that I ever got was RFHS Homecoming 2003, but I'm pretty sure this was all a joke to make me feel slightly happy. We had "arranged" it during the '03 softball season but it was quickly forgotten by volleyball.)
Danny does things and he isn't afraid to do them. I guess that's why so many people like him.
I'm very proud of my little brother. He could have very easily been in the same shell that I'm in now, since we are both alike uin many ways, but I'm glad that so many people lent their hands to him.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Fantasy vs. Reality
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
Earlier I wrote about what were the fantasies in my life. I guess it's built like this, but each fantasy has a cooresponding reality.
These cooresponding realities were the ones that tried to throw a leash at me when I was too busy thinking about these fantasies.
If you didn't quite digest the earlier Blog entry, the two things of "perfection" were two girls that I know. So there exists two "leashes" in my life as well.
These "leashes" know those that represent my "perfections" very well. They often act as protectors.
There have been moments when I tried to get out of my shell and declare and express my feelings toward them. Unfortunately, these moments were percieved as "wrong" and "scary." These leashes got in my way and told me to stop it.
Four moments exist in my life where I was lassoed away from focusing on what I considered fantasy.
1. I had a crush on this one girl in 5th grade. I was still someone not so much familiar to everyone else, as I was the new kid in school. When somebody you don't know a whole lot about ("paper trail") has a crush on you, your best friend comes to the rescue. Her best friend slapped me around and told me pretty much, that's not how you do things.
2. I had a crush on another girl in 7th grade. I still consider this one the closest thing to a perfect relationship, but it never worked. I had never felt like this before, therefore I did things I never did before. I bought a rose. I think I maybe wrote a poem. I struggled to think of a No. 2 on my Top 50 list because this feeling was so strong. I did everything in my power, except make that one tough request. This was the only time I ever asked a girl out. She said no.
The next day, apparently word spread around that I actually asked a girl out. It wasn't looked at as the cheerful "Oh my God" feeling, but rather the weird "Oh my God" feeling. When I went to school that morning I was confronted by the same girl that slapped me around in 5th grade. I remember the exact words this time.
"Don't ever ask her out again!"
3. In high school, it became apparent that some girls knew that I had a crush on someone they knew well. The solution to this was to try to be non-agressive as much as possible. So one girl tried to push someone else in front of my love for this one girl. And I look at this girl that was presented to me and I'm like, "Okay. Who. Are. You?"
"I love you!" "I love you!" blah blah blah ...
Okay, I think I may be able to work this out. This is the one relationship* that I put an asterisk on. I just couldn't muster a GD thing in all of this. So not more than two hours after a planned meeting after a basketball game, I was informed by this girl that introduced me to her that she wanted to break up with me. Okay, I understand.
But the aftereffect was glaring. Why was this particular girl doing the all of the talking, instead of the girl that liked me?
4. That girl I mentioned in the first sentence in #3? She was within reach. All I had to do was execute the simple conversation connections and wait for the reaction. Turns out I did all of the WRONG things. Nothing was executing correctly. I was so frustrated that I went on a nonsense spell of writing in code, writing long stories and requests, blah blah blah.
Same girl that tried to push another girl in my way in #3 notices this. This ICQ butt-chewing was so severe to me that I was dazed and confused when it came to love for a very long time.
***
After this 4th instance I looked back at the other three. These two girls that tried to set me straight, put a leash around me, took me away from what I wanted. I was SO ANGRY at them for a LONG time.
As I grow older, I look back at this anger and understand it all now. I am no longer angry at these two. In fact, I commend them for bringing me back down to Earth. I had never known stronger people in my life, and they weren't afraid to kick my ass.
You two know who you are. Digest this however you want. I can't thank you enough for providing this balance, and I will use these experiences to make myself a better person.
Earlier I wrote about what were the fantasies in my life. I guess it's built like this, but each fantasy has a cooresponding reality.
These cooresponding realities were the ones that tried to throw a leash at me when I was too busy thinking about these fantasies.
If you didn't quite digest the earlier Blog entry, the two things of "perfection" were two girls that I know. So there exists two "leashes" in my life as well.
These "leashes" know those that represent my "perfections" very well. They often act as protectors.
There have been moments when I tried to get out of my shell and declare and express my feelings toward them. Unfortunately, these moments were percieved as "wrong" and "scary." These leashes got in my way and told me to stop it.
Four moments exist in my life where I was lassoed away from focusing on what I considered fantasy.
1. I had a crush on this one girl in 5th grade. I was still someone not so much familiar to everyone else, as I was the new kid in school. When somebody you don't know a whole lot about ("paper trail") has a crush on you, your best friend comes to the rescue. Her best friend slapped me around and told me pretty much, that's not how you do things.
2. I had a crush on another girl in 7th grade. I still consider this one the closest thing to a perfect relationship, but it never worked. I had never felt like this before, therefore I did things I never did before. I bought a rose. I think I maybe wrote a poem. I struggled to think of a No. 2 on my Top 50 list because this feeling was so strong. I did everything in my power, except make that one tough request. This was the only time I ever asked a girl out. She said no.
The next day, apparently word spread around that I actually asked a girl out. It wasn't looked at as the cheerful "Oh my God" feeling, but rather the weird "Oh my God" feeling. When I went to school that morning I was confronted by the same girl that slapped me around in 5th grade. I remember the exact words this time.
"Don't ever ask her out again!"
3. In high school, it became apparent that some girls knew that I had a crush on someone they knew well. The solution to this was to try to be non-agressive as much as possible. So one girl tried to push someone else in front of my love for this one girl. And I look at this girl that was presented to me and I'm like, "Okay. Who. Are. You?"
"I love you!" "I love you!" blah blah blah ...
Okay, I think I may be able to work this out. This is the one relationship* that I put an asterisk on. I just couldn't muster a GD thing in all of this. So not more than two hours after a planned meeting after a basketball game, I was informed by this girl that introduced me to her that she wanted to break up with me. Okay, I understand.
But the aftereffect was glaring. Why was this particular girl doing the all of the talking, instead of the girl that liked me?
4. That girl I mentioned in the first sentence in #3? She was within reach. All I had to do was execute the simple conversation connections and wait for the reaction. Turns out I did all of the WRONG things. Nothing was executing correctly. I was so frustrated that I went on a nonsense spell of writing in code, writing long stories and requests, blah blah blah.
Same girl that tried to push another girl in my way in #3 notices this. This ICQ butt-chewing was so severe to me that I was dazed and confused when it came to love for a very long time.
***
After this 4th instance I looked back at the other three. These two girls that tried to set me straight, put a leash around me, took me away from what I wanted. I was SO ANGRY at them for a LONG time.
As I grow older, I look back at this anger and understand it all now. I am no longer angry at these two. In fact, I commend them for bringing me back down to Earth. I had never known stronger people in my life, and they weren't afraid to kick my ass.
You two know who you are. Digest this however you want. I can't thank you enough for providing this balance, and I will use these experiences to make myself a better person.
I Think I Now Know The Purpose of "Crushes"
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.61.80
Current Song - Love Hangover (Diana Ross)
When I look to find something I want, I strive to find perfection.
I found perfection.
That was years ago. While I found it, I could never quite come in possesssion of it.
To make matters worse, there were two of them.
I know what perfection is. I have seen it. Nothing else mattered. This was it. But I couldn't quite figure out the right way to form a union. And while time passes by, it gets harder and harder to possess this perfection. Then comes a time when it is outside of your grasp and is off-limits forever.
When this perfection goes away, the only interaction you have with it are the images that dance inside my head.
Problem is, they are dancing in my head and I can't get my mind off of it.
I have to get my mind off of it. There is no choice. Time has passed and life has gone on.
As I mentioned earlier, while at awe of this perfection nothing else mattered. While I was looking up at this perfection, crying eyes, crying for me, were either to the left or right or below me. I didn't see them. I refused to see them.
And I wonder why I'm in the predicament that I am in now.
If I just would have turned around, and saw what was around me.
I'm crying and kicking myself at the same time.
As someone who struggles with maintaining friendships, I can't afford to lose anyone I know. If only there was a way to fix this head-clog and keep a positive standing at the same time.
***
People have told me that only God knows every detail of your life from beginning to end. This must mean that God creates all of the "crush" situations.
I have had many, many crushes over the years. Counting even the most brief situation, I have had 20 crushes since sixth grade.
When I look back at them all, I can go back and find a way to turn these crushes into relationships. Of course, it is too late now. Perhaps God has blessed me with the quantity that I have had over the years. On top of that, perhaps God has blessed me with the quantity of girls that I have met over the years: friendships, gas station customers, and even within my journalism profession.
I could do 2 things with this:
1. I could wrap all of the crushes into one and call it the most-perfect situation. That would of course prolong the search for true happiness. I'm probably not going to do this.
2. Analyze every attribute of every crush situation and make comparisions. I could find someone and figure out that she has the heart of this girl, the humor of this girl, the brains of that girl and the friendliness of that girl.
But there will always be 2 master prototypes. Perfection.
I look at a picture of one of them. I know that a future with this particular person is not possible anymore. But I know that a future with someone similar is still possible.
***
I know I'm far behind the curve. But at least I know what the diagram of love looks like. I simply look at the paths that many of my male classmates have taken.
Sometimes it takes a few girlfriends to find that ONE girl in your life.
I'm just looking to get to the "girlfriend" rung right now.
Current Song - Love Hangover (Diana Ross)
When I look to find something I want, I strive to find perfection.
I found perfection.
That was years ago. While I found it, I could never quite come in possesssion of it.
To make matters worse, there were two of them.
I know what perfection is. I have seen it. Nothing else mattered. This was it. But I couldn't quite figure out the right way to form a union. And while time passes by, it gets harder and harder to possess this perfection. Then comes a time when it is outside of your grasp and is off-limits forever.
When this perfection goes away, the only interaction you have with it are the images that dance inside my head.
Problem is, they are dancing in my head and I can't get my mind off of it.
I have to get my mind off of it. There is no choice. Time has passed and life has gone on.
As I mentioned earlier, while at awe of this perfection nothing else mattered. While I was looking up at this perfection, crying eyes, crying for me, were either to the left or right or below me. I didn't see them. I refused to see them.
And I wonder why I'm in the predicament that I am in now.
If I just would have turned around, and saw what was around me.
I'm crying and kicking myself at the same time.
As someone who struggles with maintaining friendships, I can't afford to lose anyone I know. If only there was a way to fix this head-clog and keep a positive standing at the same time.
***
People have told me that only God knows every detail of your life from beginning to end. This must mean that God creates all of the "crush" situations.
I have had many, many crushes over the years. Counting even the most brief situation, I have had 20 crushes since sixth grade.
When I look back at them all, I can go back and find a way to turn these crushes into relationships. Of course, it is too late now. Perhaps God has blessed me with the quantity that I have had over the years. On top of that, perhaps God has blessed me with the quantity of girls that I have met over the years: friendships, gas station customers, and even within my journalism profession.
I could do 2 things with this:
1. I could wrap all of the crushes into one and call it the most-perfect situation. That would of course prolong the search for true happiness. I'm probably not going to do this.
2. Analyze every attribute of every crush situation and make comparisions. I could find someone and figure out that she has the heart of this girl, the humor of this girl, the brains of that girl and the friendliness of that girl.
But there will always be 2 master prototypes. Perfection.
I look at a picture of one of them. I know that a future with this particular person is not possible anymore. But I know that a future with someone similar is still possible.
***
I know I'm far behind the curve. But at least I know what the diagram of love looks like. I simply look at the paths that many of my male classmates have taken.
Sometimes it takes a few girlfriends to find that ONE girl in your life.
I'm just looking to get to the "girlfriend" rung right now.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
My Workout Songs
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.41.80
I stumbled upon a surprise when dumping a bag of change into my cash register drawer last week. It was a mini memory card. I didn't know what this was for until I found a slit on my phone that fit it.
It amazes me how small memory cards can get. This one can't be any smaller than a thumbtack. It was dumb luck that it fit into my phone.
Apparently these memory cards can hold music. Already on this tiny memory card were 30-second song samples from today's hip-hop songs. Nothing I could really listen to, unless I was trying to act fake.
I went to Wal-Mart to try to find an adapter for this card, and there is one for $8. Hopefully it can all compute and I can erase all of these songs.
Then I can put new songs on it.
I've mentioned on here before about needing some songs to work out to.
Most workout songs are either strong on motivation or present an "anger" theme that makes you go nuts when working out. I've tried these kinds of songs ("Eye of the Tiger," "Burning Heart," etc.) and they haven't worked. So I will be switching gears and making a very unique playlist.
When you look at this list, you'll find that it just doesn't make sense. The theme isn't right.
That's the whole point.
1. Rise - Herb Alpert
2. More Than Anything In This World - Lenny Kravitz
3. Early Autumn - Stan Getz
4. Beautiful Stranger - Madonna
5. Endgame - REM
6. Real Love - John Lennon
7. Can't We Still Be Friends - Todd Rundgren
8. After The Love Has Gone - Earth, Wind and Fire
9. Remember The Time - Michael Jackson
10. I Could Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meat Loaf
11. Kiss From a Rose - Seal
12. Deacon Blues - Steely Dan
13. Changes - David Bowie
14. Sweet Lullaby - Deep Forest
15. Eternal Flame - The Bangles
16. Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel
17. Every Little Step - Bobby Brown
18. I Just Called To Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder
19. That Girl - Stevie Wonder
20. One More Night - Phil Collins
21. I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
22. Ordinary World - Duran Duran
I stumbled upon a surprise when dumping a bag of change into my cash register drawer last week. It was a mini memory card. I didn't know what this was for until I found a slit on my phone that fit it.
It amazes me how small memory cards can get. This one can't be any smaller than a thumbtack. It was dumb luck that it fit into my phone.
Apparently these memory cards can hold music. Already on this tiny memory card were 30-second song samples from today's hip-hop songs. Nothing I could really listen to, unless I was trying to act fake.
I went to Wal-Mart to try to find an adapter for this card, and there is one for $8. Hopefully it can all compute and I can erase all of these songs.
Then I can put new songs on it.
I've mentioned on here before about needing some songs to work out to.
Most workout songs are either strong on motivation or present an "anger" theme that makes you go nuts when working out. I've tried these kinds of songs ("Eye of the Tiger," "Burning Heart," etc.) and they haven't worked. So I will be switching gears and making a very unique playlist.
When you look at this list, you'll find that it just doesn't make sense. The theme isn't right.
That's the whole point.
1. Rise - Herb Alpert
2. More Than Anything In This World - Lenny Kravitz
3. Early Autumn - Stan Getz
4. Beautiful Stranger - Madonna
5. Endgame - REM
6. Real Love - John Lennon
7. Can't We Still Be Friends - Todd Rundgren
8. After The Love Has Gone - Earth, Wind and Fire
9. Remember The Time - Michael Jackson
10. I Could Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meat Loaf
11. Kiss From a Rose - Seal
12. Deacon Blues - Steely Dan
13. Changes - David Bowie
14. Sweet Lullaby - Deep Forest
15. Eternal Flame - The Bangles
16. Just The Way You Are - Billy Joel
17. Every Little Step - Bobby Brown
18. I Just Called To Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder
19. That Girl - Stevie Wonder
20. One More Night - Phil Collins
21. I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
22. Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Sunday, August 12, 2012
A Note On The Jobs Crisis
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.21.80
Current Song - Come As You Are (Nirvana)
Just a small note on what's being called a "jobs crisis."
I am hearing of more and more people needing to work two or more jobs (the hourly-type) in order to keep things afloat. 60 hours, 70 hours, 80 hours and even more than that; when the standard work week totals at 40 hours. Remember when it was possible to get by with 40 hours/week?
The total number of jobs has gone down, and whatever jobs remain are being taken by more and more people that already have a job ON TOP of that. This leads to more and more jobless people.
It makes me wonder why people need to be working 80 hours a week. Why are they in such dire need of money? One thing's for sure, the cost of living is going up and much faster than job growth.
But what puzzles me the most is needing to work so many hours in order to achieve personal satisfation.
This is, of course, met with the reaction, "Well, some of us have bills to pay."
It makes me wonder what other things you are spending your money on outside of bills. You can't be "already cut to the bone" and still smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. Perhaps your choices need re-thinking, rather than changing the structure to make things work your way.
Don't believe me? Try living like a pauper for a week, or two weeks, or even a month. Don't spend so much on discretionary spending, and see if you find yourself complaining when the time comes.
More on this later.
Current Song - Come As You Are (Nirvana)
Just a small note on what's being called a "jobs crisis."
I am hearing of more and more people needing to work two or more jobs (the hourly-type) in order to keep things afloat. 60 hours, 70 hours, 80 hours and even more than that; when the standard work week totals at 40 hours. Remember when it was possible to get by with 40 hours/week?
The total number of jobs has gone down, and whatever jobs remain are being taken by more and more people that already have a job ON TOP of that. This leads to more and more jobless people.
It makes me wonder why people need to be working 80 hours a week. Why are they in such dire need of money? One thing's for sure, the cost of living is going up and much faster than job growth.
But what puzzles me the most is needing to work so many hours in order to achieve personal satisfation.
This is, of course, met with the reaction, "Well, some of us have bills to pay."
It makes me wonder what other things you are spending your money on outside of bills. You can't be "already cut to the bone" and still smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. Perhaps your choices need re-thinking, rather than changing the structure to make things work your way.
Don't believe me? Try living like a pauper for a week, or two weeks, or even a month. Don't spend so much on discretionary spending, and see if you find yourself complaining when the time comes.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I Used to Be Funny
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
In my long-time struggles with verbal communication, I often found that when I did talk it was trying to say something I thought was funny.
In the rare times I would interject in conversation (as I found this to be both difficult and rude at the same time), I would always wind up saying something funny. Sometimes it would get a laugh, and sometimes it would get a "shut up."
I would feel very bad about being rubbed the wrong way when it came to trying to be funny. So this was when I started to create funny things without the need of talking.
One of the first things I did was in 6th grade social studies class. On homework worksheets, there would be a "name" line at the top of the sheet. Instead of putting "Cody Cutter" I would put down some fake name. "Donbardo." Of course when the graded assignments were being handed out, this would cause a roar through the class. The next assignment was "Floyd R. Turbo." This was a great headache on the teacher, but gave the class a good laugh.
In 7th grade, I had a knack of impersonating people and things, such as Mr. Stripling and Mr. Nesbitt. This carried over to 8th grade when our science class had to write a fictional lab safety story - my cup of tea.
I wrote this lab safety story with a bunch of humorous stuff in it, and made it realisitc to the point that it took place within Challand. I had a lot of fun with this, which was probably the only science assignment that I had fun doing.
All of us had to recite the story in front of the entire 2nd hour science class. I wrote about experimenting with hair tonic, and this was around the time "Strip" was losing hair. So I am reading the dialogue and then I have to yell out, in my Mr. Stripling impersonation ... "WHOAAA!! THAT'S BAAAAAAAAAAADDDD!!!!" The class is in an absolute roar after I did this dead-on. Quickly word spread around and when I had Stripling for 8th hour I had to face the music. He loved it! At one time, he was testing the radio booth in his tech lab and would do his fast-talking announcer voice. "ThetalkingCodyCutterdoll, talksjustlikeme!"
Another 8th grade science class memory involved "spirit reading." Someone in the class would start to read a chapter of text from the book and when they were done, someone else would pick off. I remember Josh trying to be a goof by interrupting someone and picking up from there. I was not to be done in by this. So when Michelle finished a sentence, I said "period." We never did spirit reading after that.
But let's go back to 7th grade, when I found my impersonations being bundled into a collection, and thus worthy enough to try out for the talent show. I had this 7-11 clerk impersonation and apparently told a different scene to the tryout judges than I did during rehersal at the Auditorium. I mentioned "tampons" at rehersal, and this outraged Mr. Neff, who proceeded to grow devil ears on his head (so it seemed) and kicked me out of the show right there on the stage in front of everyone else (especially in front of Parris, Sarah and Jenna - and this pissed me off!) I went back to Challand to get my things out of my locker and I kicked and slammed every locker I walked near.
Several friends of mine were interested in me trying out for the talent show, and I did something that I rarely ever do - call them and tell them the bad news.
But that didn't stop me from doing impressions.
Middle School is a time that I don't speak much of. People thought I was funny, with those classroom bursts of laughter, because I was ALWAYS so quiet ... and all of a sudden I was doing something spontaneous. Sooner or later I was beginning to find out that I was simply making a joke of myself and crawled back into my shell.
My humor was on display for classmates for one last hurrah during a final project for sophomore drama class. I had done a solo speech on this history of the Sterling and Rock Falls athletic rivalry. But I was asked at the last minute to be an extra for this play that Nathan Pratt, Ben Beach, Brandon Long and Brandon Smith were running. Nathan killed the crowd with his deadpan. Then came a bunch of evildoers from "look, over there!"
I let out the loudest ninja voice that I could possibly do. I now hear that some people actually fell off of their seats after I did this. I did it once more going into my 3rd hour spanish class, entering the classroom as this ninja. Spanish class was also where I would sometimes slide in the doorway as the final bell was being rung, expecting the teacher to call me "safe" or "out."
These were brief moments that I was out of my shell of shyness. I knew I could do so much more than that, but didn't want to because I felt like I was going to embarass the entire class. Or have everyone look at me negatively as someone who seeks attention.
That was why I quit being funny. I have so much more in me, but I'm kind of afraid to perform. I don't want to BE a joke.
The ONLY comedy honor I recieved a "funniest person" nod on a girl's Expage website in 8th grade. I think that happened when I took off my shoes and socks and dove into a creek in Rochelle to retrieve softballs that were hit out. Yeah, that was it.
***
Writing this brought back a memory from high school ...
I'm building up some fictional dialogue between me and some girls. I start.
"Rachel, remember when you nearly killed Jenna and I?"
"Nooooooo. When. Was. This?"
"You don't remember? You were driving and Jenna and I were in the backseat ..."
"Whoa Cody! What were you and Jenna doing in the backseat????"
"This was Driver's Ed. Rachel ran a red light."
I'd like to think that the above dialogue is something called "comedic suspense." This happens when only a few things are said and people jump to conclusions. Then I bring the fall down when I say "This was Driver's Ed. Rachel ran a red light."
In my long-time struggles with verbal communication, I often found that when I did talk it was trying to say something I thought was funny.
In the rare times I would interject in conversation (as I found this to be both difficult and rude at the same time), I would always wind up saying something funny. Sometimes it would get a laugh, and sometimes it would get a "shut up."
I would feel very bad about being rubbed the wrong way when it came to trying to be funny. So this was when I started to create funny things without the need of talking.
One of the first things I did was in 6th grade social studies class. On homework worksheets, there would be a "name" line at the top of the sheet. Instead of putting "Cody Cutter" I would put down some fake name. "Donbardo." Of course when the graded assignments were being handed out, this would cause a roar through the class. The next assignment was "Floyd R. Turbo." This was a great headache on the teacher, but gave the class a good laugh.
In 7th grade, I had a knack of impersonating people and things, such as Mr. Stripling and Mr. Nesbitt. This carried over to 8th grade when our science class had to write a fictional lab safety story - my cup of tea.
I wrote this lab safety story with a bunch of humorous stuff in it, and made it realisitc to the point that it took place within Challand. I had a lot of fun with this, which was probably the only science assignment that I had fun doing.
All of us had to recite the story in front of the entire 2nd hour science class. I wrote about experimenting with hair tonic, and this was around the time "Strip" was losing hair. So I am reading the dialogue and then I have to yell out, in my Mr. Stripling impersonation ... "WHOAAA!! THAT'S BAAAAAAAAAAADDDD!!!!" The class is in an absolute roar after I did this dead-on. Quickly word spread around and when I had Stripling for 8th hour I had to face the music. He loved it! At one time, he was testing the radio booth in his tech lab and would do his fast-talking announcer voice. "ThetalkingCodyCutterdoll, talksjustlikeme!"
Another 8th grade science class memory involved "spirit reading." Someone in the class would start to read a chapter of text from the book and when they were done, someone else would pick off. I remember Josh trying to be a goof by interrupting someone and picking up from there. I was not to be done in by this. So when Michelle finished a sentence, I said "period." We never did spirit reading after that.
But let's go back to 7th grade, when I found my impersonations being bundled into a collection, and thus worthy enough to try out for the talent show. I had this 7-11 clerk impersonation and apparently told a different scene to the tryout judges than I did during rehersal at the Auditorium. I mentioned "tampons" at rehersal, and this outraged Mr. Neff, who proceeded to grow devil ears on his head (so it seemed) and kicked me out of the show right there on the stage in front of everyone else (especially in front of Parris, Sarah and Jenna - and this pissed me off!) I went back to Challand to get my things out of my locker and I kicked and slammed every locker I walked near.
Several friends of mine were interested in me trying out for the talent show, and I did something that I rarely ever do - call them and tell them the bad news.
But that didn't stop me from doing impressions.
Middle School is a time that I don't speak much of. People thought I was funny, with those classroom bursts of laughter, because I was ALWAYS so quiet ... and all of a sudden I was doing something spontaneous. Sooner or later I was beginning to find out that I was simply making a joke of myself and crawled back into my shell.
My humor was on display for classmates for one last hurrah during a final project for sophomore drama class. I had done a solo speech on this history of the Sterling and Rock Falls athletic rivalry. But I was asked at the last minute to be an extra for this play that Nathan Pratt, Ben Beach, Brandon Long and Brandon Smith were running. Nathan killed the crowd with his deadpan. Then came a bunch of evildoers from "look, over there!"
I let out the loudest ninja voice that I could possibly do. I now hear that some people actually fell off of their seats after I did this. I did it once more going into my 3rd hour spanish class, entering the classroom as this ninja. Spanish class was also where I would sometimes slide in the doorway as the final bell was being rung, expecting the teacher to call me "safe" or "out."
These were brief moments that I was out of my shell of shyness. I knew I could do so much more than that, but didn't want to because I felt like I was going to embarass the entire class. Or have everyone look at me negatively as someone who seeks attention.
That was why I quit being funny. I have so much more in me, but I'm kind of afraid to perform. I don't want to BE a joke.
The ONLY comedy honor I recieved a "funniest person" nod on a girl's Expage website in 8th grade. I think that happened when I took off my shoes and socks and dove into a creek in Rochelle to retrieve softballs that were hit out. Yeah, that was it.
***
Writing this brought back a memory from high school ...
I'm building up some fictional dialogue between me and some girls. I start.
"Rachel, remember when you nearly killed Jenna and I?"
"Nooooooo. When. Was. This?"
"You don't remember? You were driving and Jenna and I were in the backseat ..."
"Whoa Cody! What were you and Jenna doing in the backseat????"
"This was Driver's Ed. Rachel ran a red light."
I'd like to think that the above dialogue is something called "comedic suspense." This happens when only a few things are said and people jump to conclusions. Then I bring the fall down when I say "This was Driver's Ed. Rachel ran a red light."
"Top 50 List" To Return in 2015
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.11.80
Current Song - Backstreet's Back (Backstreet Boys)
I have to clear up something I made a couple of entries ago. There was a comment on my Facebook post regarding a "Top 50 List" that I used to make, and that it had something to do with girls. I had a lot of inquiries as to what in the world this list was all about from people that I didn't go to school with.
Yes, I did make a Top 50 List from 6th grade to 8th grade.
I look back and consider this list-making a very stupid idea.
This was a list of girls in my class at Challand that I had a crush on, in order. The biggest misconception that everyone kept making about the list was that it was a meter-of-hotness, which is simply not true. Whoever was No. 1 was the girl I liked at that time, with No. 2 being the girl next-in-line if something happened with No. 1, and so on down to No. 50.
It was all my personal opinion, and not to be reflective of the other boys of SHS '05. However, some girls thought otherwise.
I'm told that catfights and shouting matches have occured and perhaps even some blood has been bled over who's where on the list. (On a related note, I'd really like to know who engaged in fighting and shouting between girls over me).
Throughout the history of the Top 50 List, only 8 girls ever reached #1. An additional 5 girls reached as high as #2. Translation: I had crushes on 8 girls off and on throughout middle school.
Over the years I've had both compliments and complaints. For example, one girl was especially proud to be No. 6 (in my final list) and made a note of it while signing my 8th grade yearbook. Several boys wondered why I put certain girls (ones they called "ugly") higher than what they thought. That's because I look at many, many different things when figuring out a No. 1 - and this line of thinking would be the predecessor to what I call the "Cody Test" of finding a perfect match.
Here's how it started: Our 6th grade class would have a ninth-hour study hall, and when I was bored I would write these fictional spy series stories on the front and back of a single looseleaf paper. On one day that I was talking to many girls over who was cuter, I ran out of ideas for spy stories and started doodling a list of 10 girls. Amber was No. 1. Since those sitting around me were interested in reading my spy stories, they were interested in other things I was writing about. Just so happened that this Top 10 list was the talk of the entire 6th grade. Since it was becoming popular, I expanded the List to 50 girls.
I can't remember the exact order of who was No. 1 when, except for the first list and the last list.
I stopped writing the Top 50 list on a regular basis (which was whenever I darn well felt like it) in the first couple of months of 8th grade. Four things contributed to the demise of the Top 50 list: 1) The No. 1 at the time hated being No. 1 and chewed me out, 2) One girl that had just moved here was scared that such a list was being made, 3) One of my Top 5 "mini" lists had been found by a teacher, 4) I was beginning to find out that Rock Falls girls were SO much better that what was the point in doing a list anyway?
When I ended the Top 50 list, I had posted an online version on my personal website. This was back when having your own website was the "cool" fad to undertake; most used Expage while I used GeoCities. It's funny: more than 10 years later, I still have some sort of personal online presence (in the form of this blog).
The only other time the Top 50 List made a comeback was the last days of my senior year. This was a private list that I didn't show anyone at first. This was considered by "All-Time Top 50" and the only person that has looked at it was my All-Time No. 1.
I had considered writing an abberviated form of a list for our 5-Year Class Reunion, but wound up not doing it.
So I will be bringing back the Top 50 List for our 10-Year Class Reunion in 2015. This list will consist of members of SHS '05 and other high school classmates over the years that either graduated early or dropped out.
It will have been 10 years since I last made a Top 50 List. Many things have changed. Who will be No. 1 in 2015? Even though I mentioned earlier that I think this is a stupid idea, I'll simply bring it back for old-time's sake.
Current Song - Backstreet's Back (Backstreet Boys)
I have to clear up something I made a couple of entries ago. There was a comment on my Facebook post regarding a "Top 50 List" that I used to make, and that it had something to do with girls. I had a lot of inquiries as to what in the world this list was all about from people that I didn't go to school with.
Yes, I did make a Top 50 List from 6th grade to 8th grade.
I look back and consider this list-making a very stupid idea.
This was a list of girls in my class at Challand that I had a crush on, in order. The biggest misconception that everyone kept making about the list was that it was a meter-of-hotness, which is simply not true. Whoever was No. 1 was the girl I liked at that time, with No. 2 being the girl next-in-line if something happened with No. 1, and so on down to No. 50.
It was all my personal opinion, and not to be reflective of the other boys of SHS '05. However, some girls thought otherwise.
I'm told that catfights and shouting matches have occured and perhaps even some blood has been bled over who's where on the list. (On a related note, I'd really like to know who engaged in fighting and shouting between girls over me).
Throughout the history of the Top 50 List, only 8 girls ever reached #1. An additional 5 girls reached as high as #2. Translation: I had crushes on 8 girls off and on throughout middle school.
Over the years I've had both compliments and complaints. For example, one girl was especially proud to be No. 6 (in my final list) and made a note of it while signing my 8th grade yearbook. Several boys wondered why I put certain girls (ones they called "ugly") higher than what they thought. That's because I look at many, many different things when figuring out a No. 1 - and this line of thinking would be the predecessor to what I call the "Cody Test" of finding a perfect match.
Here's how it started: Our 6th grade class would have a ninth-hour study hall, and when I was bored I would write these fictional spy series stories on the front and back of a single looseleaf paper. On one day that I was talking to many girls over who was cuter, I ran out of ideas for spy stories and started doodling a list of 10 girls. Amber was No. 1. Since those sitting around me were interested in reading my spy stories, they were interested in other things I was writing about. Just so happened that this Top 10 list was the talk of the entire 6th grade. Since it was becoming popular, I expanded the List to 50 girls.
I can't remember the exact order of who was No. 1 when, except for the first list and the last list.
I stopped writing the Top 50 list on a regular basis (which was whenever I darn well felt like it) in the first couple of months of 8th grade. Four things contributed to the demise of the Top 50 list: 1) The No. 1 at the time hated being No. 1 and chewed me out, 2) One girl that had just moved here was scared that such a list was being made, 3) One of my Top 5 "mini" lists had been found by a teacher, 4) I was beginning to find out that Rock Falls girls were SO much better that what was the point in doing a list anyway?
When I ended the Top 50 list, I had posted an online version on my personal website. This was back when having your own website was the "cool" fad to undertake; most used Expage while I used GeoCities. It's funny: more than 10 years later, I still have some sort of personal online presence (in the form of this blog).
The only other time the Top 50 List made a comeback was the last days of my senior year. This was a private list that I didn't show anyone at first. This was considered by "All-Time Top 50" and the only person that has looked at it was my All-Time No. 1.
I had considered writing an abberviated form of a list for our 5-Year Class Reunion, but wound up not doing it.
So I will be bringing back the Top 50 List for our 10-Year Class Reunion in 2015. This list will consist of members of SHS '05 and other high school classmates over the years that either graduated early or dropped out.
It will have been 10 years since I last made a Top 50 List. Many things have changed. Who will be No. 1 in 2015? Even though I mentioned earlier that I think this is a stupid idea, I'll simply bring it back for old-time's sake.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Facets of My Life
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
If you look in the Blog Archive to the right side of the page, you may notice that some entries from 2009 and 2010 are titled "WSN."
"WSN" meant "Work," "School," and my website "Northern Illinois Sports Beat." I quit making entries of that kind after graduating from Sauk. In these WSN entries, I broke down my day or week into these three categories.
I've thought about bringing back this concept.
W - Work
N - Northern Illinois Sports Beat
F - Fitness
I'm not attending school at this time, so I replaced "S" with "F."
"F" is a fitting letter when it comes to my fitness.
"F."
Not good.
***
W - I had to go to work last night to fill in the rest of a closing shift. Just three hours, but that's still an additional $20+ in my pocket. It's money! After a closing shift tonight, I'll have the next three days off. Then five straight days on, all adding up to the 39-hour threshold.
Other than that, everything work-related is going alright. Not too much I can tell any more about.
N - I have been working on a refresher column for most of the past week and posted it on Thursday afternoon. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things when it comes to high school sports! This year will be a very different one in terms of website operation from the past couple of years, but I am determined to not only keep everything afloat but make it better.
In the next few days I'll be brainstorming for some story ideas. I mentioned in my State of The Site Address that I'm going away from game articles because of travel costs and more important work commitments. However, a challenge is something that will be keeping me going. Which brings me to the next letter.
F - I fell off a cliff. Again. I don't even know the feeling of falling off a cliff anymore because I've fallen off so many times.
So it's back to the drawing board.
Money Habits: I shredded my debit card, but not before writing the numbers down. This should teach me that drive-thrus are over with. Right now the checkbook is the only thing I'm using, and whatever cash I happen to get. I'm also trying to shop around for more limited accesses when it comes to using checks. YES, I use checks, but I have written enough of them to be fast at it so it won't frustrate you behind me in line! When I can I'll try to write out my checks before leaving home, although some businesses frown upon this.
Liquid: I've been trying to limit my soda intake as of late. At work I found myself consuming at least 60 ounces of Pepsi or Doc360 for some reason with a 20-ounce plastic cup. When I leave work, usually this cup ends up on the car floor and rolled around in a mess (I still can't get into the rhythm of putting it with the dishes every night). It has gotten so dirty that I left it in my car for the past few nights. In its place, I got one of those 32-ounce styrofoam cups. Perhaps it's because it's a bigger cup and soda goes flat quicker in them, but my soda intake has actually decreased since converting to styrofoam. It's funny: styrofoam is bad for the ozone, but is good for me. But seriously, water is a better option.
Doing More: One thing that I'm slowly starting to get used to is the absence of the dolly for carrying bags of ice outside at work. I used to stack 9 bags of ice (as high as it goes before falling) on the dolly and make one trip to the outside ice cooler. Five trips instead of one is a little help. Speaking of walks, the weather is getting much nicer. This kind of influences me to get out more.
Hopefully the batteries are re-charged. I have a feeling that I'll be revisiting this once more when website travel starts to pick up. I can't stress enough about how serious this is becoming: putting on socks has now become a difficult task, as well as bending down.
As mentioned, I have three days off in a row. Hopefully I can find the gumption to head on over to the local overnight gym (as I am still shy about working out in front of people) and digest my experiences there.
Then, perhaps, I'll explain a future workout song list.
***
Those wondering about my grade school Book project, don't fret. I'll have time to dedicate myself to that as well.
If you look in the Blog Archive to the right side of the page, you may notice that some entries from 2009 and 2010 are titled "WSN."
"WSN" meant "Work," "School," and my website "Northern Illinois Sports Beat." I quit making entries of that kind after graduating from Sauk. In these WSN entries, I broke down my day or week into these three categories.
I've thought about bringing back this concept.
W - Work
N - Northern Illinois Sports Beat
F - Fitness
I'm not attending school at this time, so I replaced "S" with "F."
"F" is a fitting letter when it comes to my fitness.
"F."
Not good.
***
W - I had to go to work last night to fill in the rest of a closing shift. Just three hours, but that's still an additional $20+ in my pocket. It's money! After a closing shift tonight, I'll have the next three days off. Then five straight days on, all adding up to the 39-hour threshold.
Other than that, everything work-related is going alright. Not too much I can tell any more about.
N - I have been working on a refresher column for most of the past week and posted it on Thursday afternoon. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things when it comes to high school sports! This year will be a very different one in terms of website operation from the past couple of years, but I am determined to not only keep everything afloat but make it better.
In the next few days I'll be brainstorming for some story ideas. I mentioned in my State of The Site Address that I'm going away from game articles because of travel costs and more important work commitments. However, a challenge is something that will be keeping me going. Which brings me to the next letter.
F - I fell off a cliff. Again. I don't even know the feeling of falling off a cliff anymore because I've fallen off so many times.
So it's back to the drawing board.
Money Habits: I shredded my debit card, but not before writing the numbers down. This should teach me that drive-thrus are over with. Right now the checkbook is the only thing I'm using, and whatever cash I happen to get. I'm also trying to shop around for more limited accesses when it comes to using checks. YES, I use checks, but I have written enough of them to be fast at it so it won't frustrate you behind me in line! When I can I'll try to write out my checks before leaving home, although some businesses frown upon this.
Liquid: I've been trying to limit my soda intake as of late. At work I found myself consuming at least 60 ounces of Pepsi or Doc360 for some reason with a 20-ounce plastic cup. When I leave work, usually this cup ends up on the car floor and rolled around in a mess (I still can't get into the rhythm of putting it with the dishes every night). It has gotten so dirty that I left it in my car for the past few nights. In its place, I got one of those 32-ounce styrofoam cups. Perhaps it's because it's a bigger cup and soda goes flat quicker in them, but my soda intake has actually decreased since converting to styrofoam. It's funny: styrofoam is bad for the ozone, but is good for me. But seriously, water is a better option.
Doing More: One thing that I'm slowly starting to get used to is the absence of the dolly for carrying bags of ice outside at work. I used to stack 9 bags of ice (as high as it goes before falling) on the dolly and make one trip to the outside ice cooler. Five trips instead of one is a little help. Speaking of walks, the weather is getting much nicer. This kind of influences me to get out more.
Hopefully the batteries are re-charged. I have a feeling that I'll be revisiting this once more when website travel starts to pick up. I can't stress enough about how serious this is becoming: putting on socks has now become a difficult task, as well as bending down.
As mentioned, I have three days off in a row. Hopefully I can find the gumption to head on over to the local overnight gym (as I am still shy about working out in front of people) and digest my experiences there.
Then, perhaps, I'll explain a future workout song list.
***
Those wondering about my grade school Book project, don't fret. I'll have time to dedicate myself to that as well.
Playing The Lottery
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.01.80
Current Song - I'll Make Love To You (Boyz II Men)
I've become interested in numbers and lottery drawings throughout the six years I've worked at gas stations. Probably because I'm bored and find myself trying to figure out a system.
Sometimes I play quite a bit, and then start to taper off with the money issues. Playing in moderation is something that I've tried to find a way to master. The need to do so becomes more and more paramount as the time flies by.
Luck will come around once in a while. The most I won on a single ticket is $200 on a Pick 4, wagering it as a fifty-cent "box" pick of "2010" (the year I graduated from college). I've hit a fifty-cent "box" pick on Pick 3 about 10 times, with a winning number getting no less than $40. Twice I've won $25 on Pick 3 "front pair" and "back pair" tickets.
The main games that I play are the Pick 3 and Pick 4, for the most part because they are a minimum of just a fifty-cent wager. (This is also influenced by regulars of mine at the gas station). If I feel lucky on a three- or four-digit number, it's just a half-dollar for me. You can bet up to $5 on a three- or four-digit number.
Lately I've found myself playing more front and back pair tickets simply because I'm not looking to win that much. I feel that I've brought front and back pair to the limelight at the Shell station I work at. The way front pair works is that you pick two numbers in order with the final number being "wild." Back pair works the opposite way.
But even more recently, there have been certain numbers that have been in my head. These are special numbers.
Natrually, I filled out more Pick 3 and Pick 4 playcards and started playing them. The first time I played these numbers, I was one digit off in a Pick 4 ticket.
Now I'm in the middle of redoing my cards and am now making them permanent lottery numbers. No straying away from these. For now, I'm doing the minimum bets on the Pick 3/4 of fifty-cent "box" picks. Perhaps if these become lucky I'll graduate to "straight" or "straight box" picks.
Sometimes the need for a front pair or back pair number will come up, when I just want to play a single two-digit number. Usually I have to lecture the clerk on how to punch in such a number on the lottery machine, as there are no playcards for this type.
After leaving work last night, I brought home cards for Lotto, Little Lotto, Mega Millions and Powerball. I rarely play these games because I don't really win on them. The most I have won in Lotto was $39, Little Lotto $10, Mega Millions $4 and Powerball $3. I'm in the middle of filling out the cards with these special numbers right now.
Now I have to think about moderation. I'm not going to play these numbers every day and every draw. I'm one of those people that believes that when a number is in mind all throughout the day, I should start playing it. When a series of numbers are in mind all throughout the day, I should start playing them.
For today (Friday) I am going to play two Pick 4 numbers for both the midday and evening draws, $1 straight-box. Somehow the numbers "1214" and "1128" pop up. My Little Lotto pick will be 11-12-14-28-29.
Current Song - I'll Make Love To You (Boyz II Men)
I've become interested in numbers and lottery drawings throughout the six years I've worked at gas stations. Probably because I'm bored and find myself trying to figure out a system.
Sometimes I play quite a bit, and then start to taper off with the money issues. Playing in moderation is something that I've tried to find a way to master. The need to do so becomes more and more paramount as the time flies by.
Luck will come around once in a while. The most I won on a single ticket is $200 on a Pick 4, wagering it as a fifty-cent "box" pick of "2010" (the year I graduated from college). I've hit a fifty-cent "box" pick on Pick 3 about 10 times, with a winning number getting no less than $40. Twice I've won $25 on Pick 3 "front pair" and "back pair" tickets.
The main games that I play are the Pick 3 and Pick 4, for the most part because they are a minimum of just a fifty-cent wager. (This is also influenced by regulars of mine at the gas station). If I feel lucky on a three- or four-digit number, it's just a half-dollar for me. You can bet up to $5 on a three- or four-digit number.
Lately I've found myself playing more front and back pair tickets simply because I'm not looking to win that much. I feel that I've brought front and back pair to the limelight at the Shell station I work at. The way front pair works is that you pick two numbers in order with the final number being "wild." Back pair works the opposite way.
But even more recently, there have been certain numbers that have been in my head. These are special numbers.
Natrually, I filled out more Pick 3 and Pick 4 playcards and started playing them. The first time I played these numbers, I was one digit off in a Pick 4 ticket.
Now I'm in the middle of redoing my cards and am now making them permanent lottery numbers. No straying away from these. For now, I'm doing the minimum bets on the Pick 3/4 of fifty-cent "box" picks. Perhaps if these become lucky I'll graduate to "straight" or "straight box" picks.
Sometimes the need for a front pair or back pair number will come up, when I just want to play a single two-digit number. Usually I have to lecture the clerk on how to punch in such a number on the lottery machine, as there are no playcards for this type.
After leaving work last night, I brought home cards for Lotto, Little Lotto, Mega Millions and Powerball. I rarely play these games because I don't really win on them. The most I have won in Lotto was $39, Little Lotto $10, Mega Millions $4 and Powerball $3. I'm in the middle of filling out the cards with these special numbers right now.
Now I have to think about moderation. I'm not going to play these numbers every day and every draw. I'm one of those people that believes that when a number is in mind all throughout the day, I should start playing it. When a series of numbers are in mind all throughout the day, I should start playing them.
For today (Friday) I am going to play two Pick 4 numbers for both the midday and evening draws, $1 straight-box. Somehow the numbers "1214" and "1128" pop up. My Little Lotto pick will be 11-12-14-28-29.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The Best Friends That I Have
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.90.80
Current Song - West End Girls (Pet Shop Boys)
I had one of those moments of disappointment tonight at life's crossroads. What made me better again was a group of friends of mine.
Fact: I know just as many girls from Rock Falls as I do Sterling.
Fact: I get along with Rock Falls girls better than I do Sterling girls.
Fact: I was invited to three graduation parties of Rock Falls girls. Sterling? Zero.
I really do get along with Rock Falls girls better than Sterling girls. But is it because of personal choice? Or just the way things work with the given enviroment of Sterling/Rock Falls youth intertwined with the unique autistic atmosphere that is Cody Cutter?
I have never made a declaration that I will just consider friendships with only Rock Falls girls, and not Sterling girls. Even when I moved from Rock Falls to Sterling after 4th grade, I had always thought that I would get along with my new classmates.
But over time, I gravitated myself toward those Rock Falls girls more than Sterling girls. I had maintained friendships with some Rock Falls girls after I moved. After spending some time with Sterling girls and Rock Falls girls after a couple of years, I noticed a difference between the two.
Rock Falls girls were more open, outgoing, nice, and just better. For the rest of my years at Challand and SHS, I just couldn't quite understand why Sterling girls were not the same as Rock Falls girls.
It's occurred to me now that perhaps the freshman melting pot theory at RFHS has to do with it.
What is the freshman melting pot theory?
This SORT OF explains why Rock Falls girls are more friendlier than Sterling girls.
In public schools, are five different 8th grades in Rock Falls (RFMS, Nelson, Riverdale, East Coloma and Montmorency) and just one in Sterling (Challand). Therefore being a freshman at RFHS is different than being a freshman at SHS. Everyone knows everyone at Sterling and not so much at Rock Falls. The cliques within Sterling freshman have been firmly in place since middle school. The "melting pot" atmosphere that is at RFHS makes for a more curious, exciting and friendlier scene. You can also make the same argument about Newman freshmen, since they come from St. Mary's in Sterling, St. Mary's in Dixon and St. Andrew's in Rock Falls.
There is a more "different" and "new" feeling compared to Sterling. I don't always see the RFMS people always sticking with other RFMS people. Or East Coloma people with other East Coloma people. Or Riverdale people with Riverdale people, etc.
(On a side note, with the above statement I would have absolutely loved it personally had I not moved to Sterling from RF after 4th grade. I wouldn't be so shy or disillusioned.)
There was not a melting pot at Challand. However, there is a melting pot of sorts within the five Rock Falls middle school levels. Most importantly, this comes in the form of the success that the Rock Falls little league softball programs have had.
I can still remember seeing my first Rock Falls softball game, and knowing just a few of the girls from my days at Merrill. But then, almost immediately, other girls became known to me. All of a sudden two girls that I hadn't known at all before were doing more talking with me than the girls that I had already known.
This started a relationship that I have mentioned many, many times over the years. But when high school hit, it was more than just softball girls. I got to know members of the volleyball team (when I was doing the RF sports website) as well as girls that didn't play either (when I was sitting in the Rock Falls student section at some games).
It was apparent - they were nicer, more outgoing and treated me with respect.
Back at Sterling, I was one of a few Sterling kids that knew quite a bit of Rock Falls girls. But I don't think any of them attended as many Rock Falls sports events as I did - ones that the girls I knew weren't playing in (such as boys basketball games). But I was by far the least attractive physically - and probably still am.
Because of many awkwardnesses that I unfortunately have, I wasn't able to establish many friendships as I had hoped later in my school life. However, these Rock Falls girls - the core group of softball girls - are the closest thing to the best friends that I have. (Now whether the opposite is true, I don't know).
Some of them are now married and have children. I try to keep in touch with them when I can.
When I speak of "heart" that doesn't just mean relationships. These girls will have a permanent place in my heart. I can honestly say that I love each and every one of them. I don't ask for or expect anything in return, but that is how I feel. I always want the best for them.
I look back at my life so far and notice that there are many things I could change. I'm not in the best of shape, or mood, or feeling at this time.
When I look back to find the thing that has kept me alive throughout all of this time, the first thing that comes to mind are these Rock Falls girls. When I am down and am looking for some motivation, these girls come to mind.
I can't thank them enough for being a friend.
Current Song - West End Girls (Pet Shop Boys)
I had one of those moments of disappointment tonight at life's crossroads. What made me better again was a group of friends of mine.
Fact: I know just as many girls from Rock Falls as I do Sterling.
Fact: I get along with Rock Falls girls better than I do Sterling girls.
Fact: I was invited to three graduation parties of Rock Falls girls. Sterling? Zero.
I really do get along with Rock Falls girls better than Sterling girls. But is it because of personal choice? Or just the way things work with the given enviroment of Sterling/Rock Falls youth intertwined with the unique autistic atmosphere that is Cody Cutter?
I have never made a declaration that I will just consider friendships with only Rock Falls girls, and not Sterling girls. Even when I moved from Rock Falls to Sterling after 4th grade, I had always thought that I would get along with my new classmates.
But over time, I gravitated myself toward those Rock Falls girls more than Sterling girls. I had maintained friendships with some Rock Falls girls after I moved. After spending some time with Sterling girls and Rock Falls girls after a couple of years, I noticed a difference between the two.
Rock Falls girls were more open, outgoing, nice, and just better. For the rest of my years at Challand and SHS, I just couldn't quite understand why Sterling girls were not the same as Rock Falls girls.
It's occurred to me now that perhaps the freshman melting pot theory at RFHS has to do with it.
What is the freshman melting pot theory?
This SORT OF explains why Rock Falls girls are more friendlier than Sterling girls.
In public schools, are five different 8th grades in Rock Falls (RFMS, Nelson, Riverdale, East Coloma and Montmorency) and just one in Sterling (Challand). Therefore being a freshman at RFHS is different than being a freshman at SHS. Everyone knows everyone at Sterling and not so much at Rock Falls. The cliques within Sterling freshman have been firmly in place since middle school. The "melting pot" atmosphere that is at RFHS makes for a more curious, exciting and friendlier scene. You can also make the same argument about Newman freshmen, since they come from St. Mary's in Sterling, St. Mary's in Dixon and St. Andrew's in Rock Falls.
There is a more "different" and "new" feeling compared to Sterling. I don't always see the RFMS people always sticking with other RFMS people. Or East Coloma people with other East Coloma people. Or Riverdale people with Riverdale people, etc.
(On a side note, with the above statement I would have absolutely loved it personally had I not moved to Sterling from RF after 4th grade. I wouldn't be so shy or disillusioned.)
There was not a melting pot at Challand. However, there is a melting pot of sorts within the five Rock Falls middle school levels. Most importantly, this comes in the form of the success that the Rock Falls little league softball programs have had.
I can still remember seeing my first Rock Falls softball game, and knowing just a few of the girls from my days at Merrill. But then, almost immediately, other girls became known to me. All of a sudden two girls that I hadn't known at all before were doing more talking with me than the girls that I had already known.
This started a relationship that I have mentioned many, many times over the years. But when high school hit, it was more than just softball girls. I got to know members of the volleyball team (when I was doing the RF sports website) as well as girls that didn't play either (when I was sitting in the Rock Falls student section at some games).
It was apparent - they were nicer, more outgoing and treated me with respect.
Back at Sterling, I was one of a few Sterling kids that knew quite a bit of Rock Falls girls. But I don't think any of them attended as many Rock Falls sports events as I did - ones that the girls I knew weren't playing in (such as boys basketball games). But I was by far the least attractive physically - and probably still am.
Because of many awkwardnesses that I unfortunately have, I wasn't able to establish many friendships as I had hoped later in my school life. However, these Rock Falls girls - the core group of softball girls - are the closest thing to the best friends that I have. (Now whether the opposite is true, I don't know).
Some of them are now married and have children. I try to keep in touch with them when I can.
When I speak of "heart" that doesn't just mean relationships. These girls will have a permanent place in my heart. I can honestly say that I love each and every one of them. I don't ask for or expect anything in return, but that is how I feel. I always want the best for them.
I look back at my life so far and notice that there are many things I could change. I'm not in the best of shape, or mood, or feeling at this time.
When I look back to find the thing that has kept me alive throughout all of this time, the first thing that comes to mind are these Rock Falls girls. When I am down and am looking for some motivation, these girls come to mind.
I can't thank them enough for being a friend.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I'm Writing a Memoir: Memories of Merrill
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.10.80
Current Song - Sirius (Alan Parsons Project)
In my past couple of Blog entries, I mentioned about the possibility of writing an autobiography. I've decided to postpone the idea until later in my life.
Instead, I would like to write a memoir.
The main difference between an autobiography and a memoir is such: an autobiography focuses on a person's entire life, while a memoir focuses just on a certain chapter of a person's life.
I have a certain chapter in my life that I would like to write a memoir of. I've got a title created and am in the process of compiling background information on things unrelated to my life (background knowledge, history, etc.).
It's a part of my life that really means a whole lot to me, but perhaps a part of the human life that is least remembered by many others.
Because it involves a group of other people, I am not sure on how to display identities in the memoir. Does it go first-name-only (Cody), first-and-last-name (Cody Cutter), or first-name-and-second-inital (Cody C.)? I don't want to shock people when I get finished.
I honestly don't think such will be actual book material (such as my friend Dean and his book). I'm thinking about displaying it online and such.
In short, I am writing this memoir because I would like to pay tribute to and thank these people that have helped make my life possible. I couldn't ask for better friends and better people in the entire world.
I constantly find myself dwelling into the past. To many people that I will be including as characters in this memoir, not many people knew my feelings, emotions, happiness and struggle as I grew up. As someone who was mentally created differently than the usual human being, I hope this serves as answers to questions that people may have.
I think people will be amazed by how much stuff I can remember. They used to call me "smart" back then. They also used to call me "weird" too.
***
Right now, I'm in the process of prepping NISB for the 2012-13 school year. In the pockets of time I will have when I'm busy, I'll be working on this memoir. This means, in turn, that this Blog post may be the last post for quite some time.
Current Song - Sirius (Alan Parsons Project)
In my past couple of Blog entries, I mentioned about the possibility of writing an autobiography. I've decided to postpone the idea until later in my life.
Instead, I would like to write a memoir.
The main difference between an autobiography and a memoir is such: an autobiography focuses on a person's entire life, while a memoir focuses just on a certain chapter of a person's life.
I have a certain chapter in my life that I would like to write a memoir of. I've got a title created and am in the process of compiling background information on things unrelated to my life (background knowledge, history, etc.).
It's a part of my life that really means a whole lot to me, but perhaps a part of the human life that is least remembered by many others.
Because it involves a group of other people, I am not sure on how to display identities in the memoir. Does it go first-name-only (Cody), first-and-last-name (Cody Cutter), or first-name-and-second-inital (Cody C.)? I don't want to shock people when I get finished.
I honestly don't think such will be actual book material (such as my friend Dean and his book). I'm thinking about displaying it online and such.
In short, I am writing this memoir because I would like to pay tribute to and thank these people that have helped make my life possible. I couldn't ask for better friends and better people in the entire world.
I constantly find myself dwelling into the past. To many people that I will be including as characters in this memoir, not many people knew my feelings, emotions, happiness and struggle as I grew up. As someone who was mentally created differently than the usual human being, I hope this serves as answers to questions that people may have.
I think people will be amazed by how much stuff I can remember. They used to call me "smart" back then. They also used to call me "weird" too.
***
Right now, I'm in the process of prepping NISB for the 2012-13 school year. In the pockets of time I will have when I'm busy, I'll be working on this memoir. This means, in turn, that this Blog post may be the last post for quite some time.
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