Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.72.21
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
Apparently in this time of progression in one's life, I am in decline for some reason.
Apparently I'm not on top of things. Apparently my three little brothers have all passed me over and have discarded me as nothing but unsalvagable trash. What did I do to deserve that? Is it because I try to be true to my oldest-brotherly obligation to give them the world? I try to do things to help establish themselves as prepared individuals for the real world, and apparently that is a stupid mistake. Apparently I've taught them so much that they are unhappy with how I go about my own business.
I mean, try to establish a relationship with a girl. I'll try to go the extra mile for my brothers in this case, because I know it is too late for me. It was too late for me a long time ago.
If you were at it on your own, what would you do? Don't rely on me to spoonfeed you whenever I am present. Bad decision.
Now they've surpassed me in more terms than imaginable, and I'm paying for it. They're smarter than me, and how did that happen????
I think I know why. What did they have that I didn't? Yes, some sort of social life.
I've told this story countless times, but in a nutshell it was difficult for me to make friends. I made a few, but I just never seemed to keep up my end of the rope. There were things that I wanted to do, and morals that I stuck to, and things kind of drifted apart.
One worshipped things I didn't like, and another passed around a joint. My morals come first. In fact, there is this real cute girl I like somewhere in northern Illinois, but I will stick with my morals and say that I am too old for her and this is not right. I want do do the right thing, but sometimes that leads into a deeper downward spiral. Thank the Lord that I don't drink, smoke or snort. Any dismissal of what morals that had been mentioned will lead to a bad reputation, and I don't want that.
Up until my freshman year, I had "best friends." Then one thing led to another and it was me that did the pulling away from them. They made some choices that I didn't agree with, and I simply walked away. I wanted to look for more lifelines, and I event went backward for a while (to Rock Falls). Nothing truly materialized.
Now I am sitting on a chair in front of a computer for most of the day. And when I'm not doing that, I'm covering a sports event or sleeping.
High school sports is really the only thing that is keeping my mouth moving, and I've made friends through that circle. But when I'm covering games, often times I don't know anyone else at the particular game. I have had people tell me that I should do more Sterling and/or Rock Falls games, and that way I would be around people that I know, but there is this thing called journalistic neutrality that beckons me away from that.
Lately I have tried to establish friendships with coaches and athletes during games I cover. The key word is "try." Obviously they have lives of their own, and I don't see them hardly any more after the postgame interview.
***
So getting back to the current day, I think my lack of social life has made me extremely so in so many regards. There is a bag of chips that is sitting on top of my computer printer, and I don't know when I'll ... okay, I just put them back downstairs.
It's things like that which are mentally pummeling me at this time. I apparently forget to do a lot of things, and get ticked off when I'm told to do something - but that is because my train of thought has just been interrupted. I'm likely formulating a story and then I'm told to pick up Dan at the school; my train of thought has just been interrupted.
Things like this are drawing the ire of my own parents. Now their patience has worn thin. If I don't do something about it, things are going to get worse. But how do I start? Where do I start? What's it going to take to contribute my fair share in this house that me, my parents and Danny all live in. The sacrifices just seem like too much.
My parents are worn out themselves, and here I am struggling to get my mind in order.
I think back to how Mike, Chris and Dan are all as good as they are. What's the X-factor in all of this? An enjoyable, worry-free life with a strong support group. I have none of that.
It's going to be a long, tough road.
These are the things that make me cry.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
A Christmas Present Well Worth Creating and Sharing
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.52.21
Northern Illinois looks to have a green Christmas this year with no snow on the ground.
But that's quite alright.
Whatever we are celebrating at this moment – be it Christmas, Hannukah or Kwanzaa – paints us a picture filled with snow and songs. But don't need snow in order to get into the Holiday spirit. Typically today is spent around lots of family. For some families, it's the only other time outside of maybe Thanksgiving that a bunch of family members will gather around.
When you see your family today, think about how you are made up as a person. Very likely, it is because of those family members that are a generation or more older.
“You are who you are because of the people around you” is a philosophy that I often use to trace backward the traits that define ourselves. The people around you, if you are planning or attending a gathering today, is most likely family.
Family is an important aspect in the life of yours truly. Perhaps it's because so much of it is close around.
Nearly everyone on both my mother's side and father's side of my family reside somewhere within northern Illinois. Sure, there are a few people that have went far, far away, but most have remained not too far away from where I live and thus are more available during great times of need.
2011 had its fair share of sorrow when it came to my extended family. My great uncles Roger and Elmer, brothers, lost battles with cancer within eight months of each other. My great aunt Carol, the pair's sister, saw Alzheimer's get the best of her on the day we laid Roger to rest. Three siblings that were no longer a part of us on this Earth in eight months is more than enough to bear. Cancer also claimed the life of my great-granduncle Everett this year. So I've been at more than enough funerals this year.
Perhaps the saddest thing about funerals is that it is one of the rare times that the extended family all flocks together for something. Because me and my brothers are so young – I'm 25 years old and the oldest of four brothers – we don't recall some people that come up for the deaded occasion, even though we know they are related to us.
I had some personal losses as well outside my family, and after a few things came together I set out on a project to work on. I wanted to get this done by Christmas.
What I've been working on over the past four months, when I'm not doing anything high school sports-related, is a family record that details all of our relatives – direct relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins – and tells how they are related to us. (By “us” and “we” I refer to the four Cutter Boys: myself, Michael, Christopher and Daniel). I gave them copies of the book for Christmas presents.
“The Six Degrees of the Cutter Crew” lists every possible relative that we have from four generations above us, and then descending back down across many different paths that detail the families of our aunts and uncles, great aunts and great uncles, and great-grandaunts and great-granduncles. In essence, we each have eight sets of great-great-grandparents, and the book tracks down every every descendant of each of the eight sets.
The book details exactly how we are linked with certain cousins of ours. For me and my brothers, it also tells us how many more cousins we have in addition to what we already know.
Are you related to me? If you live in northern Illinois and your last name is either Cutter, Reeser, Holder, Metzler, Holloway, Tighe, Roselieb or Hanell, chances are there is some sort of easy-to-explain relation between us. Then there are many other names that would take up most of this piece and make it cumbersome.
In my work with area high school sports, I was able to trace what schools have educated my ancestors and cousins. I was also able to figure out which of my ancestors, and their descendants, have served the United States in our past wars.
One relative that comes to mind is my great-granduncle Homer Roselieb. Homer was the second-oldest of 13 Roselieb children born between 1898 and 1918 in the Erie-Prophetstown area, and was the first of four siblings to serve. Homer was in the Army during the first World War as a young man, but died during the Influenza outbreak.
Because Homer died a young man without any children, there was little to tell of him as his brothers and sisters lived out their years. All of the 13 Roselieb children have since passed, leaving no one left with any direct link to him. In addition, Homer is buried at a cemetary in Erie while his brothers and sisters are all buried at a cemetary near Spring Hill, just south of Erie.
The purpose behind this book is to ensure that such relatives like Homer Roselieb, a very young man who served his country, are not forgotten as the four Cutter Boys grow older.
Another relative, my half-great-uncle Jarrod Roselieb, served during the Vietnam War and received a Purple Heart after his plane was shot down. None of my brothers knew that, or even know who Jarrod was, until they read the book.
Within the brotherly quartet, we take for granted our familiarity with our aunts, uncles and first cousins. Researching involved asking my oldest relatives what they know of their aunts, uncles, great aunts and great uncles, and first cousins. I could recall such relatives in a heartbeat, but it was a little difficult for the older folks to recall theirs. That's because there was no concrete record of such. Now, within the Cutter Crew, there is a solid object that can be preserved and passed on to future generations.
As we grow older, generations before us will eventually pass on. I have only remembered one great-great-grandparent, and that was who we called “Granny Perry.” All of my great-grandparents have passed away, the last coming in 2009. Only one direct relative from three generations ahead of me is still living, and that is my great-granduncle Sam. Another great-granduncle of mine, George, has passed but his wife, Geraldine, is still living. Another great-granduncle of mine, Stan, has passed but his wife, Lucy, is still living.
It so happens that the age gap between me and my youngest brother, Daniel, is great enough that he cannot recall as many older relatives as I can. As we were gathering in our living room during this green Christmas, I took more time to show Danny around the book because he recalls so little.
The present was well worth the drives to Rochelle for information on the Holloways and Rockford for information on the Tighes.
Snow may not be on the ground to make it feel like Christmas, but the Christmas feeling in terms of family was certainly there.
Northern Illinois looks to have a green Christmas this year with no snow on the ground.
But that's quite alright.
Whatever we are celebrating at this moment – be it Christmas, Hannukah or Kwanzaa – paints us a picture filled with snow and songs. But don't need snow in order to get into the Holiday spirit. Typically today is spent around lots of family. For some families, it's the only other time outside of maybe Thanksgiving that a bunch of family members will gather around.
When you see your family today, think about how you are made up as a person. Very likely, it is because of those family members that are a generation or more older.
“You are who you are because of the people around you” is a philosophy that I often use to trace backward the traits that define ourselves. The people around you, if you are planning or attending a gathering today, is most likely family.
Family is an important aspect in the life of yours truly. Perhaps it's because so much of it is close around.
Nearly everyone on both my mother's side and father's side of my family reside somewhere within northern Illinois. Sure, there are a few people that have went far, far away, but most have remained not too far away from where I live and thus are more available during great times of need.
2011 had its fair share of sorrow when it came to my extended family. My great uncles Roger and Elmer, brothers, lost battles with cancer within eight months of each other. My great aunt Carol, the pair's sister, saw Alzheimer's get the best of her on the day we laid Roger to rest. Three siblings that were no longer a part of us on this Earth in eight months is more than enough to bear. Cancer also claimed the life of my great-granduncle Everett this year. So I've been at more than enough funerals this year.
Perhaps the saddest thing about funerals is that it is one of the rare times that the extended family all flocks together for something. Because me and my brothers are so young – I'm 25 years old and the oldest of four brothers – we don't recall some people that come up for the deaded occasion, even though we know they are related to us.
I had some personal losses as well outside my family, and after a few things came together I set out on a project to work on. I wanted to get this done by Christmas.
What I've been working on over the past four months, when I'm not doing anything high school sports-related, is a family record that details all of our relatives – direct relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins – and tells how they are related to us. (By “us” and “we” I refer to the four Cutter Boys: myself, Michael, Christopher and Daniel). I gave them copies of the book for Christmas presents.
“The Six Degrees of the Cutter Crew” lists every possible relative that we have from four generations above us, and then descending back down across many different paths that detail the families of our aunts and uncles, great aunts and great uncles, and great-grandaunts and great-granduncles. In essence, we each have eight sets of great-great-grandparents, and the book tracks down every every descendant of each of the eight sets.
The book details exactly how we are linked with certain cousins of ours. For me and my brothers, it also tells us how many more cousins we have in addition to what we already know.
Are you related to me? If you live in northern Illinois and your last name is either Cutter, Reeser, Holder, Metzler, Holloway, Tighe, Roselieb or Hanell, chances are there is some sort of easy-to-explain relation between us. Then there are many other names that would take up most of this piece and make it cumbersome.
In my work with area high school sports, I was able to trace what schools have educated my ancestors and cousins. I was also able to figure out which of my ancestors, and their descendants, have served the United States in our past wars.
One relative that comes to mind is my great-granduncle Homer Roselieb. Homer was the second-oldest of 13 Roselieb children born between 1898 and 1918 in the Erie-Prophetstown area, and was the first of four siblings to serve. Homer was in the Army during the first World War as a young man, but died during the Influenza outbreak.
Because Homer died a young man without any children, there was little to tell of him as his brothers and sisters lived out their years. All of the 13 Roselieb children have since passed, leaving no one left with any direct link to him. In addition, Homer is buried at a cemetary in Erie while his brothers and sisters are all buried at a cemetary near Spring Hill, just south of Erie.
The purpose behind this book is to ensure that such relatives like Homer Roselieb, a very young man who served his country, are not forgotten as the four Cutter Boys grow older.
Another relative, my half-great-uncle Jarrod Roselieb, served during the Vietnam War and received a Purple Heart after his plane was shot down. None of my brothers knew that, or even know who Jarrod was, until they read the book.
Within the brotherly quartet, we take for granted our familiarity with our aunts, uncles and first cousins. Researching involved asking my oldest relatives what they know of their aunts, uncles, great aunts and great uncles, and first cousins. I could recall such relatives in a heartbeat, but it was a little difficult for the older folks to recall theirs. That's because there was no concrete record of such. Now, within the Cutter Crew, there is a solid object that can be preserved and passed on to future generations.
As we grow older, generations before us will eventually pass on. I have only remembered one great-great-grandparent, and that was who we called “Granny Perry.” All of my great-grandparents have passed away, the last coming in 2009. Only one direct relative from three generations ahead of me is still living, and that is my great-granduncle Sam. Another great-granduncle of mine, George, has passed but his wife, Geraldine, is still living. Another great-granduncle of mine, Stan, has passed but his wife, Lucy, is still living.
It so happens that the age gap between me and my youngest brother, Daniel, is great enough that he cannot recall as many older relatives as I can. As we were gathering in our living room during this green Christmas, I took more time to show Danny around the book because he recalls so little.
The present was well worth the drives to Rochelle for information on the Holloways and Rockford for information on the Tighes.
Snow may not be on the ground to make it feel like Christmas, but the Christmas feeling in terms of family was certainly there.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Life as NISB Publisher, With a 64 oz. Mega Chill
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.02.21
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
Every night is becoming a long one.
It's 4:45 a.m. as I type this line in my Blog.
Recently, I made a decision to increase my work load as far as Northern Illinois Sports Beat is concerned. I'm not employed right now, and when there's no high school sports stuff going on, I tend to get bored. With the personal funds fizzling and no money for gas in my car, I'm literally rotting at home. So I decided to do something about this emptiness, and that was to simply write more stories.
It all started last week, when trying to figure out an assignment scenario with Bill. Somehow we wound up talking about the possibility of getting something on the website every day. Now we came to this conclusion, I'm not certain. Would it happen together? Not likely. But on my own?
I go to my thinktank every time such a situation occurs. This thinktank is my car, and I travel around my "NISB kingdom" to try to generate a thought. Knowing this would require some thought, I stopped at the Super Pantry in Dixon and picked up a 64-ounce Mega Chill cupfull of Dr. Pepper to keep me awake and stimulated. I literally know all of the backroads of northern Illinois, and I wound up driving somewhere near Serena on a backroad (ironically, not too far from where Bill lives) before I turned off onto a gravel road all of a sudden.
This was at 1:30 in the morning. I stopped along the road and shut my car off. Nothing but pitch black, the moon, a large cloud, and some raindrops here and there. It was at that time when I thought about a couple of features that I once did for the website: Athlete Q&A and Team Spotlight.
I had always thought about bringing them back, but I haven't written any of them in almost five years. But if this was going to fill up content, then so be it. Somewhere in my files, I thought I had a list of specific TS and QA questions but wanted to draft up another just in case I didn't find it. Then of course, with the commitment to more writing I had to think about how to rearrange other things in my life to accomodate this.
Ever wonder why such a setting allows me to think better? It's dark, so there is not much for my eyes - and thus my brain - to comprehend. And since I'm at an unfamiliar place, there is not any memory recall of where I'm at or where I had been at one time. It feels like I'm disappearing into thin air. At home I see the same things every day. So that explains it. Call it Aspergian.
When I got back home I plopped my IHSA calendar on my desk and looked up a bunch of high school sports schedules. One day at a time I started to fill in assignments to do up until Jan. 10. A mix of game stories, columns, as well as the Team Spotlight and Athlete Q&A.
Then I drafted up the questions to ask on a piece of paper to carry around to the games I am going to cover. Every night I'm tweaking the piece of paper and it is a mess at the moment.
Friday is the big day: game article on the Forreston Boys Basketball Holiday Tournament championship game, a Q&A on a player from Rockford Christian Life, and the Team Spotlight on either Aquin or Byron. Since Forreston and RCL were playing in a fifth-place game, the Q&A came first. It was kind of a different scenario than in sessions past, as the kid lost his game. Only after doing the interview did I realize that my questions were flat and corny. But the session was done, and I planned it for a Wednesday release. Then came the 2-in-1 sessions with the Byron people. My TS questions were okay, but thought I could do better. But still, the session was done and I planned it for a Monday release.
Since the Forreston Tournament article was a 1 3/4 gamer, I figured it would take me a while to write it. Sure did, and I only had four hours of sleep before needing to wake up and make the drive to St. Bede for the Lady Bruins' game against unbeaten Annawan. The plan was to do a gamer and a TS on the winner. I didn't have time to change my TS question sheet, but figured the second time around would bring better results. Kind of. Got home, and another gamer written.
Then the next day I pieced together the Byron Boys Basketball Team Spotlight. I hadn't written one in five years. When I got done with it, I said to myself, 'Damn this is long.' The next night with Annawan's wasn't much of an improvement - four typed pages.
Before writing the Annawan piece, I went to the gas station to refill my 64-ounce cup. Only $0.84. I planned for a busy night tonight, writing both the Annawan TS and the Athlete Q&A.
And this is just the overnight session. During the afternoon and evening, it's likely that I get a phone call from one of my writers. This time I was going back and forth between Bill and Brian over a game at Hinckley-Big Rock. Then sometimes pressure will mount and I'll just say to myself 'forget it, I'll cover it.' That's been resolved.
After writing the TS and Q&A, more thoughts occured to me. Great, more things to think about late at night after getting done laying out the website.
I just did a Team Spotlight on Annawan Girls Basketball. Then I get to thinking someone is going to ask me when I'm going to write one on the Aquin girls, or the Hinckley girls, or the Marquette girls, or the Newark girls, or the Sterling girls. Or the Moline swimming team. Then how many athletes are going to call me and say that they too want a Q&A?
Luckilly, my Mega Chill is only 3/4 empty. But there's no gas in the car.
I'm not covering anything today (Tuesday) and already have the Q&A written, so the time spent with the website tools will be minimal until Wednesday night: posting the H-BR/Marquette gamer, and covering a wrestling meet at Sterling.
Why can't I just disappear into thin air right now?
So if you are out driving in the middle of nowhere at 1:30 in the morning and see a green car parked along the side of the road ...
No, you idiot! I'm brainstorming under absolute silence!
Either way, please do not disturb :)
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
Every night is becoming a long one.
It's 4:45 a.m. as I type this line in my Blog.
Recently, I made a decision to increase my work load as far as Northern Illinois Sports Beat is concerned. I'm not employed right now, and when there's no high school sports stuff going on, I tend to get bored. With the personal funds fizzling and no money for gas in my car, I'm literally rotting at home. So I decided to do something about this emptiness, and that was to simply write more stories.
It all started last week, when trying to figure out an assignment scenario with Bill. Somehow we wound up talking about the possibility of getting something on the website every day. Now we came to this conclusion, I'm not certain. Would it happen together? Not likely. But on my own?
I go to my thinktank every time such a situation occurs. This thinktank is my car, and I travel around my "NISB kingdom" to try to generate a thought. Knowing this would require some thought, I stopped at the Super Pantry in Dixon and picked up a 64-ounce Mega Chill cupfull of Dr. Pepper to keep me awake and stimulated. I literally know all of the backroads of northern Illinois, and I wound up driving somewhere near Serena on a backroad (ironically, not too far from where Bill lives) before I turned off onto a gravel road all of a sudden.
This was at 1:30 in the morning. I stopped along the road and shut my car off. Nothing but pitch black, the moon, a large cloud, and some raindrops here and there. It was at that time when I thought about a couple of features that I once did for the website: Athlete Q&A and Team Spotlight.
I had always thought about bringing them back, but I haven't written any of them in almost five years. But if this was going to fill up content, then so be it. Somewhere in my files, I thought I had a list of specific TS and QA questions but wanted to draft up another just in case I didn't find it. Then of course, with the commitment to more writing I had to think about how to rearrange other things in my life to accomodate this.
Ever wonder why such a setting allows me to think better? It's dark, so there is not much for my eyes - and thus my brain - to comprehend. And since I'm at an unfamiliar place, there is not any memory recall of where I'm at or where I had been at one time. It feels like I'm disappearing into thin air. At home I see the same things every day. So that explains it. Call it Aspergian.
When I got back home I plopped my IHSA calendar on my desk and looked up a bunch of high school sports schedules. One day at a time I started to fill in assignments to do up until Jan. 10. A mix of game stories, columns, as well as the Team Spotlight and Athlete Q&A.
Then I drafted up the questions to ask on a piece of paper to carry around to the games I am going to cover. Every night I'm tweaking the piece of paper and it is a mess at the moment.
Friday is the big day: game article on the Forreston Boys Basketball Holiday Tournament championship game, a Q&A on a player from Rockford Christian Life, and the Team Spotlight on either Aquin or Byron. Since Forreston and RCL were playing in a fifth-place game, the Q&A came first. It was kind of a different scenario than in sessions past, as the kid lost his game. Only after doing the interview did I realize that my questions were flat and corny. But the session was done, and I planned it for a Wednesday release. Then came the 2-in-1 sessions with the Byron people. My TS questions were okay, but thought I could do better. But still, the session was done and I planned it for a Monday release.
Since the Forreston Tournament article was a 1 3/4 gamer, I figured it would take me a while to write it. Sure did, and I only had four hours of sleep before needing to wake up and make the drive to St. Bede for the Lady Bruins' game against unbeaten Annawan. The plan was to do a gamer and a TS on the winner. I didn't have time to change my TS question sheet, but figured the second time around would bring better results. Kind of. Got home, and another gamer written.
Then the next day I pieced together the Byron Boys Basketball Team Spotlight. I hadn't written one in five years. When I got done with it, I said to myself, 'Damn this is long.' The next night with Annawan's wasn't much of an improvement - four typed pages.
Before writing the Annawan piece, I went to the gas station to refill my 64-ounce cup. Only $0.84. I planned for a busy night tonight, writing both the Annawan TS and the Athlete Q&A.
And this is just the overnight session. During the afternoon and evening, it's likely that I get a phone call from one of my writers. This time I was going back and forth between Bill and Brian over a game at Hinckley-Big Rock. Then sometimes pressure will mount and I'll just say to myself 'forget it, I'll cover it.' That's been resolved.
After writing the TS and Q&A, more thoughts occured to me. Great, more things to think about late at night after getting done laying out the website.
I just did a Team Spotlight on Annawan Girls Basketball. Then I get to thinking someone is going to ask me when I'm going to write one on the Aquin girls, or the Hinckley girls, or the Marquette girls, or the Newark girls, or the Sterling girls. Or the Moline swimming team. Then how many athletes are going to call me and say that they too want a Q&A?
Luckilly, my Mega Chill is only 3/4 empty. But there's no gas in the car.
I'm not covering anything today (Tuesday) and already have the Q&A written, so the time spent with the website tools will be minimal until Wednesday night: posting the H-BR/Marquette gamer, and covering a wrestling meet at Sterling.
Why can't I just disappear into thin air right now?
So if you are out driving in the middle of nowhere at 1:30 in the morning and see a green car parked along the side of the road ...
No, you idiot! I'm brainstorming under absolute silence!
Either way, please do not disturb :)
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Promises, Promises
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.51.21
Current Song - Promises, Promises (Naked Eyes)
To the fans and followers of Northern Illinois Sports Beat.
I'm sorry.
I'm extremely sorry.
We were hoping for no special delays in things.
That was my goal, something NISB has never done.
I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this.
You will never see any high school sports journalist in the country work as hard as I will work the rest of the high school sports season.
You will never see someone push this website as hard as I will push it the rest of the season.
You will never see a sportswriting team work harder than we will the rest of the high school sports season.
God bless.
Current Song - Promises, Promises (Naked Eyes)
To the fans and followers of Northern Illinois Sports Beat.
I'm sorry.
I'm extremely sorry.
We were hoping for no special delays in things.
That was my goal, something NISB has never done.
I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this.
You will never see any high school sports journalist in the country work as hard as I will work the rest of the high school sports season.
You will never see someone push this website as hard as I will push it the rest of the season.
You will never see a sportswriting team work harder than we will the rest of the high school sports season.
God bless.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Dates of the Blind Kind
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
The last blog entry made me think of a struggle I've had since I first laid eyes on this girl in preschool. That was 20 years ago and nothing has worked on other girls since.
I mentioned a little about how temporary work is like going on a blind date.
Knowing me, if someone set me up on a blind date it would be with the worst girl in the school. It's a dead-end street: either you become humilated because of who your date is, or you become looked at as horrible because you made someone sad. The chances of me - someone who has never had a girlfriend - having a good blind date is one in a million. A bad blind date? one in one.
Ladies and gentlemen, the above paragraph is why I bitch a lot. And probably why no one has dared to set me up on a blind date. I don't even have mistakes to learn from yet.
They say I don't even try. That's probably I'm not at the "trying stage" yet, in fact I'm probably at some negative step, step no. -13 or something. Fix this, fix that, fix this, and tweak that and maybe - just maybe - I'll have a long shot.
Then I know now that it's all a matter of "you don't have confidence in yourself." Truthfully I don't see it, and to do at it blindfolded would lead to worse effects. Other than taking my body to American Restoration (the TV show), how do I renovate myself?
But wait, doesn't renovating myself lead to me not "being myself."
Well, crud. Back to square -13.
One college day I was bored and decided to take the eHarmony test simply to pass time. There were 258 questions, encompassing 29 dimensions of compatibility, and I must have failed somehow. 258 questions is probably the amount of questions I have to ask myself about a girl in order for her to become compatible to me.
I've tried trimming down the number of questions to ask myself. But still I can see small details that raise a red flag telling me that this is not going to work out between us. I'm too finite, and I don't know how to stop myself.
Just came to a realization - I'm too finite. That's why I can't succeed.
I think the way to cure this in regards to my struggle with girls is going through the relationship motions. From there, I can ask myself whether or not I can truly deal with such issues. When an issue arises, to stop and think about how to correct the issue and make it positive - in other words, what can I do to make it better?
If I am to improve on getting rid of my finite details, I need to have a girl above my expectation level - and at the same time be someone who is barely above, at, or barely below her expectation level. The most perfect scenario would be to pair myself with someone who looks at me as far below her expectation level, and thus be able to learn more ways to correct things. But that's just not going to happen.
It's going to take some tries in order to become perfect in this situation. I think most of my friends my age have gone through five girls already. With my special-case scenario, it'll probably take 10.
Tonight I learned that there is indeed a tomorrow.
Now it's just a matter of breaking the ice.
Any input is welcome.
The last blog entry made me think of a struggle I've had since I first laid eyes on this girl in preschool. That was 20 years ago and nothing has worked on other girls since.
I mentioned a little about how temporary work is like going on a blind date.
Knowing me, if someone set me up on a blind date it would be with the worst girl in the school. It's a dead-end street: either you become humilated because of who your date is, or you become looked at as horrible because you made someone sad. The chances of me - someone who has never had a girlfriend - having a good blind date is one in a million. A bad blind date? one in one.
Ladies and gentlemen, the above paragraph is why I bitch a lot. And probably why no one has dared to set me up on a blind date. I don't even have mistakes to learn from yet.
They say I don't even try. That's probably I'm not at the "trying stage" yet, in fact I'm probably at some negative step, step no. -13 or something. Fix this, fix that, fix this, and tweak that and maybe - just maybe - I'll have a long shot.
Then I know now that it's all a matter of "you don't have confidence in yourself." Truthfully I don't see it, and to do at it blindfolded would lead to worse effects. Other than taking my body to American Restoration (the TV show), how do I renovate myself?
But wait, doesn't renovating myself lead to me not "being myself."
Well, crud. Back to square -13.
One college day I was bored and decided to take the eHarmony test simply to pass time. There were 258 questions, encompassing 29 dimensions of compatibility, and I must have failed somehow. 258 questions is probably the amount of questions I have to ask myself about a girl in order for her to become compatible to me.
I've tried trimming down the number of questions to ask myself. But still I can see small details that raise a red flag telling me that this is not going to work out between us. I'm too finite, and I don't know how to stop myself.
Just came to a realization - I'm too finite. That's why I can't succeed.
I think the way to cure this in regards to my struggle with girls is going through the relationship motions. From there, I can ask myself whether or not I can truly deal with such issues. When an issue arises, to stop and think about how to correct the issue and make it positive - in other words, what can I do to make it better?
If I am to improve on getting rid of my finite details, I need to have a girl above my expectation level - and at the same time be someone who is barely above, at, or barely below her expectation level. The most perfect scenario would be to pair myself with someone who looks at me as far below her expectation level, and thus be able to learn more ways to correct things. But that's just not going to happen.
It's going to take some tries in order to become perfect in this situation. I think most of my friends my age have gone through five girls already. With my special-case scenario, it'll probably take 10.
Tonight I learned that there is indeed a tomorrow.
Now it's just a matter of breaking the ice.
Any input is welcome.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Job Update 12/9
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.80.21
Current Song - Keep Feeling Fascination (Human League)
I'm waiting for an offer to come forward from a gas station about an hour and a half away from home. It's the line of work I'm used to.
I had a couple of stops there in the past week, and it's a good $15 in gas per day. Figuring it's about a seven-hour work day, at $8.50/hr, total pay without taxes taken out would be $59.50/day. Take that figure multiplied by .80 for about $47.60. Then take that new figure and subtract $15 to make for $32.60/day.
Still, $32.60/day is better than $0.00 I'm making currently.
Christmas is 17 days away, and it's extremely sad to me that I'm looking at the day as a stimulus rather than the Christmas spirit. A gift card for fuel (note that the term "gas card" isn't correct because they can be used for other store things) would help me get around to at least a week's worth of games in the coverage area.
Another week and a half until I have bills to pay. I know I can get through that, but if no job comes up after that then I'm really screwed. That doesn't mean that I'll close NISB; I have plenty of plans for that if the "Day of Zero" comes.
At this point I'm getting a little worried. I have six more reasonable chances left before looking at breaking my back every day. Then again, I'm worried because I bring so little to the general table of things.
***
This is like trying to hook up with a potential girlfriend. And those that know me over the years know that my luck in hooking up with girls is next to zilch.
Getting a job that I don't want to do is like going out with a girl that you don't want to go out with. You REALLY don't want to do this, and you feel that you won't make the place better with your presence.
Even worse is the blind date: temporary agencies saying that there is simply a "job opening" for a generic title. The who and what is unknown, and you only find it out when you get there.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out how to get this triangle-shaped thing into this circular hole.
Current Song - Keep Feeling Fascination (Human League)
I'm waiting for an offer to come forward from a gas station about an hour and a half away from home. It's the line of work I'm used to.
I had a couple of stops there in the past week, and it's a good $15 in gas per day. Figuring it's about a seven-hour work day, at $8.50/hr, total pay without taxes taken out would be $59.50/day. Take that figure multiplied by .80 for about $47.60. Then take that new figure and subtract $15 to make for $32.60/day.
Still, $32.60/day is better than $0.00 I'm making currently.
Christmas is 17 days away, and it's extremely sad to me that I'm looking at the day as a stimulus rather than the Christmas spirit. A gift card for fuel (note that the term "gas card" isn't correct because they can be used for other store things) would help me get around to at least a week's worth of games in the coverage area.
Another week and a half until I have bills to pay. I know I can get through that, but if no job comes up after that then I'm really screwed. That doesn't mean that I'll close NISB; I have plenty of plans for that if the "Day of Zero" comes.
At this point I'm getting a little worried. I have six more reasonable chances left before looking at breaking my back every day. Then again, I'm worried because I bring so little to the general table of things.
***
This is like trying to hook up with a potential girlfriend. And those that know me over the years know that my luck in hooking up with girls is next to zilch.
Getting a job that I don't want to do is like going out with a girl that you don't want to go out with. You REALLY don't want to do this, and you feel that you won't make the place better with your presence.
Even worse is the blind date: temporary agencies saying that there is simply a "job opening" for a generic title. The who and what is unknown, and you only find it out when you get there.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out how to get this triangle-shaped thing into this circular hole.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Smoothing Things Out
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.50.21
Current Song - One Headlight (The Wallflowers)
I went downstairs to get a sandwich and a pop before writing this blog entry. Just by walking on the floor I woke up the dog. Thus, I woke up my dad. When I can't even move around the house at night, that's a problem. At night I feel like I'm pinned to a particular spot in my house.
Then again, most people are pinned to a particular spot at night - their beds.
I've been reminded many times over the years that it's best for me to wake up in the morning and sleep at night. When I was working, I couldn't be up all day and then go to work because I was slack around 11 p.m. and not get stuff done. I changed my routine around to where I woke up an hour before going into work for the night. That worked out well and I got my stuff done, and then when I came home I was wanting something to do. That's how I got introduced to Antenna TV: Hitchcock at midnight, Burns and Allen at 1 a.m., Jack Benny at 2 a.m., then to ESPN for Sportscenter at 3 a.m. and going to bed after that.
Even for covering games a considerable distance from home; I'd get home at midnight and have a story to type. The line of work pretty much makes me stay awake at 1 a.m. Now with this going on at home, I really don't know what to do. It has been suggested to me that I stay in one location during the night, either upstairs in bed, upstairs on the computer, or downstairs on the couch. Not going back and forth. Pretty much, getting my sandwich and pop at 11 p.m. and heading upstairs for the computer without having to go down at night.
Then if I get a job that makes me walk in the back door at 2:30 a.m., what's going to happen then? Do I sleep in the car and wake up at 7 a.m.? Roy's going to wake up no matter what, and when he wakes up he think's it's morning when it's really nighttime.
If only I could wake up as quick as Roy, and sleep as quick as my dad. BTW my dad works at the new wind farm near Paw Paw, which is a lot of work to do so he does get really tired when he comes home.
But other than getting to a regular sleep schedule, the reason why I wanted to write this post was to try to figure out how to get myself back into physical confidence. Since I literally cannot afford to eat out, this helps me from not eating things that are not good for me.
Now to find a way to move more. Today I went out grocery shopping for the home. Since I rarely do major grocery shopping, I'm one of those guys who you see at the market making an appearance in aisle 1, then 6, then 4, 5, 9, 7, 2, 1 again, 3, 5 again, etc. Most regular shoppers, since they've done it enough to know where everything is, will tailor the grocery lists up and down according to aisle. Mentally I can't do that. But physically, I don't mind doing that because I move around a lot. Plus, what always helps is parking at the far end of the parking lot.
As to outside of grocery shopping, going on a walk is going to be a little difficult for me because its is cold outside. But that's pretty much what I'll have to do in order to get myself going physically. Walking when its cold out is nothing new to me. Challand and SHS were a 3/4-mile walk from where I live, sometimes in the dead of winter with snow on the ground. There were times that I walked from my house to RFHS for basketball games, which is a four-mile round-trip. I wonder if the more I walk will help me, or will I bail out due to the weather?
It also used to be that when I went on drives to games, I would stop at the gas station and not just put gas in my car, but grab a bite to eat along the way. Can't do that anymore. Then with concession stand prices are what they are, I'd rather bring my own stuff in my bookbag.
I have also thought of incorporating walking exercises with the locations of where I cover games. Park elsewhere in town and walk to the school, and walk back when done. It's not like I'm on deadline or anything with the stuff I write. I have something in Sandwich and Rochelle this week, so I'll scope something out maybe.
Just anything to get myself back in good health. Who knows, maybe I'll be well enough to start, oh, running?
For confidence, I look no further than the previous post (see the post below):
Current Song - One Headlight (The Wallflowers)
I went downstairs to get a sandwich and a pop before writing this blog entry. Just by walking on the floor I woke up the dog. Thus, I woke up my dad. When I can't even move around the house at night, that's a problem. At night I feel like I'm pinned to a particular spot in my house.
Then again, most people are pinned to a particular spot at night - their beds.
I've been reminded many times over the years that it's best for me to wake up in the morning and sleep at night. When I was working, I couldn't be up all day and then go to work because I was slack around 11 p.m. and not get stuff done. I changed my routine around to where I woke up an hour before going into work for the night. That worked out well and I got my stuff done, and then when I came home I was wanting something to do. That's how I got introduced to Antenna TV: Hitchcock at midnight, Burns and Allen at 1 a.m., Jack Benny at 2 a.m., then to ESPN for Sportscenter at 3 a.m. and going to bed after that.
Even for covering games a considerable distance from home; I'd get home at midnight and have a story to type. The line of work pretty much makes me stay awake at 1 a.m. Now with this going on at home, I really don't know what to do. It has been suggested to me that I stay in one location during the night, either upstairs in bed, upstairs on the computer, or downstairs on the couch. Not going back and forth. Pretty much, getting my sandwich and pop at 11 p.m. and heading upstairs for the computer without having to go down at night.
Then if I get a job that makes me walk in the back door at 2:30 a.m., what's going to happen then? Do I sleep in the car and wake up at 7 a.m.? Roy's going to wake up no matter what, and when he wakes up he think's it's morning when it's really nighttime.
If only I could wake up as quick as Roy, and sleep as quick as my dad. BTW my dad works at the new wind farm near Paw Paw, which is a lot of work to do so he does get really tired when he comes home.
But other than getting to a regular sleep schedule, the reason why I wanted to write this post was to try to figure out how to get myself back into physical confidence. Since I literally cannot afford to eat out, this helps me from not eating things that are not good for me.
Now to find a way to move more. Today I went out grocery shopping for the home. Since I rarely do major grocery shopping, I'm one of those guys who you see at the market making an appearance in aisle 1, then 6, then 4, 5, 9, 7, 2, 1 again, 3, 5 again, etc. Most regular shoppers, since they've done it enough to know where everything is, will tailor the grocery lists up and down according to aisle. Mentally I can't do that. But physically, I don't mind doing that because I move around a lot. Plus, what always helps is parking at the far end of the parking lot.
As to outside of grocery shopping, going on a walk is going to be a little difficult for me because its is cold outside. But that's pretty much what I'll have to do in order to get myself going physically. Walking when its cold out is nothing new to me. Challand and SHS were a 3/4-mile walk from where I live, sometimes in the dead of winter with snow on the ground. There were times that I walked from my house to RFHS for basketball games, which is a four-mile round-trip. I wonder if the more I walk will help me, or will I bail out due to the weather?
It also used to be that when I went on drives to games, I would stop at the gas station and not just put gas in my car, but grab a bite to eat along the way. Can't do that anymore. Then with concession stand prices are what they are, I'd rather bring my own stuff in my bookbag.
I have also thought of incorporating walking exercises with the locations of where I cover games. Park elsewhere in town and walk to the school, and walk back when done. It's not like I'm on deadline or anything with the stuff I write. I have something in Sandwich and Rochelle this week, so I'll scope something out maybe.
Just anything to get myself back in good health. Who knows, maybe I'll be well enough to start, oh, running?
For confidence, I look no further than the previous post (see the post below):
Sunday, December 4, 2011
In the Best Way I Can Describe It
Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.40.21
Current Song - Love Is Blue (Paul Mauriat)
I'm one of those guys who believes in love at subsequent sights. First sight just isn't right; once you get to know the girl then the feeling start to build.
I'll never forget laying my eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world. I don't know if there's any other girl I want to look for after this one. Everything about her struck me as beautiful. But there's more to just that. I actually got to talk with her, and I could feel the magnetic vibe - at least on my end - as our eyes crossed paths, more like a tunnel of emotion. I was in love, love with the most beautiful girl in the world.
Normally, talking to her would be difficult to do since it is very diffiult for me to get into discussion with anyone. Her? Somehow my conversation pieces went very smoothly - but about something else and not love. I almost always got a stutter when talking to ANYONE. Not her. I don't think it was me, but someone was helping me. I was trying to break away because we both had to go away at some point. But the lasting memory I will never forget. Certainly someone who looks so beautiful can act so beautiful. She had it all, and I wanted more.
I felt like I was in another world as we talked, all the weight - a lot of it for me - was lefted from the ground. Literally I felt like I was in heaven, and she was right there to guide me along the way. Her smile and the way she spoke to me made the feeling get deeper. Somehow I got teh impression that she enjoyed this conversation well, evident in how our eyes fixed on each other.
I know I'll see her again. When, I'll never know. But preferably the choice should not be my own, but rather by the powers to be. As for now there will be plenty of reminders all around me, reminding me of the most beautiful girl in the world. I yearn the paths to cross once more, and may one day let my true feelings known. Missing her will make me feel blue, and they say love is blue.
But blue is love. Love = blue - that color alone will remind me of the most beautiful girl in the world.
I love you.
Current Song - Love Is Blue (Paul Mauriat)
I'm one of those guys who believes in love at subsequent sights. First sight just isn't right; once you get to know the girl then the feeling start to build.
I'll never forget laying my eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world. I don't know if there's any other girl I want to look for after this one. Everything about her struck me as beautiful. But there's more to just that. I actually got to talk with her, and I could feel the magnetic vibe - at least on my end - as our eyes crossed paths, more like a tunnel of emotion. I was in love, love with the most beautiful girl in the world.
Normally, talking to her would be difficult to do since it is very diffiult for me to get into discussion with anyone. Her? Somehow my conversation pieces went very smoothly - but about something else and not love. I almost always got a stutter when talking to ANYONE. Not her. I don't think it was me, but someone was helping me. I was trying to break away because we both had to go away at some point. But the lasting memory I will never forget. Certainly someone who looks so beautiful can act so beautiful. She had it all, and I wanted more.
I felt like I was in another world as we talked, all the weight - a lot of it for me - was lefted from the ground. Literally I felt like I was in heaven, and she was right there to guide me along the way. Her smile and the way she spoke to me made the feeling get deeper. Somehow I got teh impression that she enjoyed this conversation well, evident in how our eyes fixed on each other.
I know I'll see her again. When, I'll never know. But preferably the choice should not be my own, but rather by the powers to be. As for now there will be plenty of reminders all around me, reminding me of the most beautiful girl in the world. I yearn the paths to cross once more, and may one day let my true feelings known. Missing her will make me feel blue, and they say love is blue.
But blue is love. Love = blue - that color alone will remind me of the most beautiful girl in the world.
I love you.
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