Cutter's Log - Stardate 2012.52.50
Current Song - Little Lies (Fleetwood Mac)
The biggest challenge I have in my life will be coming up on June 10.
That is the day that I either grow up, or continue to be pushed around at the age of 26. If I am successful at what I try to do, a big barrier will be knocked over and I can start taking command of my life. Not only will I take command of my life, but I will also put myself in the position to actually catch up to the other 26-year-olds that I know.
I have a future and I want to persue it.
The challenge that I have to overcome on June 10 is that of someone not wanting me to take control of my own destiny - the way I want to do it (trying to throw everything but the kitchen sink at me, and perhaps in front of him). He'll gather up an army, but I will take on that myself. Just don't hope I lose territory over this.
I cannot continue to be stuck in this cycle that I am in now.
I know what's best for me. I know what's best for the things that I do.
June 10 is either "grow up" or continue to be "chained up."
I have no choice to do what I have to do, and that is to grow up and take command.
I will succeed.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I Went on a Bike Ride 10 Years Ago Today
Cutter's Log – Stardate 2102.80.50
Current Song – Strange Magic (ELO)
Has it really been ten years?
I was young, lost and stupid when I was a freshman in high school. The latter two got me in a big quagmire while attending Sterling schools. If you read my entry from three weeks ago, I didn't want to move from Rock Falls to Sterling because I didn't want to lose all of my friends. I never did gel well at Sterling.
I mention all of this stuff for a reason.
One day I was riding my bike around in Rock Falls and took in a little league softball game. The girls I thought looked around my age. Three girls I recognized right away: Emily, Alisha and Ashley. I went to school with them at Merrill. It was great to see them again. Eventually they played more games and I got to know the rest of the girls. I remember Ashley was always happy to see me.
So that's the story of how I got to know the Rock Falls softball girls. I had never seen them lose a game in little league play. I don't know if it was that, or something else, but the thing that really grabbed my attention was when they started nicknaming themselves after me.
They called it the “Cutter Cousins.” There was Mody McButter, Toady StaStaStutter, Odirapsodi Puttutter, Blody Mudder, Jody Cutter, and (this one still baffles me to this day) Hody Slutter. I'm sure I'm missing a few. I thought it was the weirdest thing in the world.
But deep down inside I thought it was an honor. I have no idea what I did to deserve such notoriety – was it jumping into the creek in Rochelle and retrieving foul balls? At any rate, at a time when I didn't feel all that great mentally and emotionally, and was terribly shy back home, these girls were the closest thing to friends that I had – but I didn't see them often. There was a great deal of respect, so much that I persuaded my grandparents to take me to Chicago to see them play. I handed out these fan cards (the cheap Hallmark kind) to them to show how much I enjoyed seeing them play and thank them for being a friend.
These girls were terrific softball players and won many state titles in little league, once making it a game short from the World Series. That success carried over to high school.
I would attend Rock Falls events when I wasn't managing anything at Sterling. I had a better vibe within the Rock Falls student section than I did in Sterling's. I had more chatter on the south side of the river. That's how I got introduced to ICQ (the first instant messaging service), and eventually the closest thing I ever came to a date with a girl (which is another story for another time).
I had tried out for baseball during the spring of my freshman year and got cut. But I went over to Optimist Park to watch the freshman girls (Emily, Ashley, Alisha, Jen, Joi, April, Korby, Kassandra, Jessica, Jennifer, Thea, Stephanie and I forget who else was on that team) play whenever I could, riding my bike from SHS across the bridge and into Rock Falls. The older girls that I knew (Bree, Jessica, Whitni, Cally, Jennifer, Haleigh, Jen and I forget who else was on that team) also played at Optimist Park as sophomores, and when their game got over I would race on my bike over to the varsity diamond to see the last couple of innings of Marilyn's game. The only regret from that year was that I only got to see Molly play once, as she was the only one of the girls to go to Newman.
One Saturday morning, I was completely bored. Here's the story ...
The freshman girls had been doing pretty well in NCIC play. They knew that Geneseo was going to be the toughest conference opponent of the year. The date was a double-header AT Geneseo. The girls knew that they did well when I showed up at their games, but common sense told them that there was no way I was going to be able to see this big double-header on the road. I had no ride there, and didn't think of asking one of the parents for one.
That Friday night, I had a crazy idea. They know I'm not going to be there, but what if I WAS there? The only means of getting there was my bicycle. I know the way to Geneseo, as we (SHS) had played football there that year. I had been on big bicycle rides before: Dixon, Polo, Lyndon, Prophetstown, Morrison, and Coleta. I debated this over the night as I fell asleep.
I woke up, and knowing I had nothing planned for the day, I decided to do it. I got dressed, took a shower, put on my sunglasses and told my parents that I would go on a bike ride. I never told them where. It was 7:30 a.m. when I departed my house on my bicycle. I had just wanted to make it to RFHS to wish them well. I went to the school and didn't find them, so I rode over to P-Town Road and found the van going down the road.
Let's do it.
It was around 8 a.m. when I left Rock Falls, going down P-Town Road toward the Riverdale School area. When I rode past the street that led to the Meier house, a sudden thought came to me. I kept riding on, but I had to think to myself – What will happen if the softball parents see me riding my bike along the road? At this point I had crossed the Interstate. “Oh crap!” I thought, “I'm gonna get an ass-chewing.” But I kept riding and hoped that no one would see me. Then a thought came to mind: I'll just tell them I'm riding to Prophetstown for the garage sale days, and think “oh what the heck” and go on. There.
Sure enough at one of the big curves on P-Town Road I saw the Wolber van drive by. I could tell by the plates. I was expecting a sudden sound of brakes, but it drove on probably not noticing me. I didn't see anything else as I made my way to Prophetstown. The garage sales were in full bloom. I exited Prophetstown, hoping that I didn't see any of my mom's relatives.
At this point, it was video game mode. Evade glass on the concrete, softball parents and P-Town relatives – or Game Over. Leaving Prophetstown, I knew my uncle Butch's place was in this little hamlet of Portland. When I got there, I went pushed my pedals as fast as I could to bypass the place and hopefully not get noticed.
No familiar cars were seen between Portland and Spring Hill. But that Isuzu commercial was stuck in my head: The one where the man drives the Isuzu and God whispers at him to “Go farther.” (YouTube it). Why stop now? I had no track of time on me, so I didn't know if the first game had started or what. At least I would make the second game. The thought of the return trip NEVER entered my head, probably because it was simply natural for me to take it easy on the way back home.
I passed Spring Hill, staying on course to Geneseo. However, I debated whether to take the diagonal road or the numbered routes to Geneseo once I reached the Henry County line. This Spring Hill Road that I was on intersected with Route 92, and most people took the right and then the immediate left on Route 82 to Geneseo. However, there is this cross road called Ebenezer Road that went from Spring Hill/92 to a T at Route 82. It was a shortcut of a few miles, but one I had never taken before. Knowing time was short, I made Ebenezer Road my course.
After Spring Hill is a small cemetery with a decrepit church building on it. I had relatives buried there, namely my grandpa Roselieb and my uncle Willie. I was tired. I was thirsty. I didn't even have breakfast when I left home. There was a water pump at the far end of the grounds and I tried to get water out of it to no avail.
Then all of a sudden I looked to the right toward Spring Hill. There was a big white truck driving by.
That truck looked familiar. Chills went down my spine.
I stared at it and tried to make out the front license plate. Sure enough. The spacing was right on. It looked like JP AG 1. It drove by and I turned the other way. I looked back, and sure enough it was JP's big white truck. Korby's dad. It kept driving on, and I was just as white as the truck. If I was spotted I would NEVER, EVER, EVER (!!!!) hear the end of it.
The only water I could find was a puddle. As gross as that seemed, these sips of water helped. I soldiered on, but was slowed down because of the simple fact that JP drove by. That scared me into “what ifs.” What would have happened if I didn't stop at the cemetery and he saw me riding on?
At some point, probably when I reached the 92 intersection, I had to tell myself to go harder and faster because I had no sense of time. Getting up the Ebenezer hills were tough.
Go ...
Go ...
Go ...
I made my way to 82 and felt a sigh of relief once I passed the Geneseo sign. I had finally made it. The high school was just to the left.
But no softball diamond. I looked around for cars. No white truck. No red van. No Chevy Astro. I was confused beyond belief. Tired, scared and now confused. I was wondering if this bike ride was really for me. Then I saw a man and asked him where the softball field was. I was to go down this Ogden Avenue and take a right and the T and follow that all the way down. I also asked the time. Luckily, it was around noon and I knew I had missed the first game. If I could get there quick enough, I could make it for the second game.
Because I had been huffing and puffing for four hours on a bicycle, in 80-degree heat, for 40 miles, I wanted to take it easy because I knew for sure where the diamonds were.
As I got deeper into town, the nerves started to rise in me. How on Earth am I to explain all of this to everyone. I had to stop at least three times and think it over. God was I nervous. I saw the diamonds, with all of the familiar cars parked, and the girls all playing catch. At least the second game didn't start yet.
Now what? How was I to make an entrance? My idea was to try to sneak by without anyone noticing.
Didn't work.
I don't know who spotted me first, but I didn't look toward the girls. All I could hear were cries of “OH MY GOD!!!!!!” “CODY!!!!!” “HE RODE HIS BIKE TO GENESEO!!!!” all tangled with one another. I don't know, but I think I remember hearing an “I LOVE YOU!” somewhere in the mix.
This stunned everyone. It stunned the parents more than the players. It stunned Coach Frank even more. And I'm sure the Geneseo players were absolutely confused at all of this.
I made my way to this rock pile at the end of the driveway. Slammed my bike down like a touchdown celebration. Threw my glasses down too. Ashley ran over and hugged me, and Jen followed with another hug. Pretty soon I was bombarded by the girls. They led me over the the Gatorade. I don't remember much after that until the game because I was drinking a lot. I guess I answered a lot of questions and such.
I remember coach Frank inviting me to sit in the dugout. However, I declined because I knew I was going to be a distraction to the girls. I had learned that they lost the first game.
I think Emily wound up pitching both games of the double-header because Korby was injured (and why JP was late to the game). I don't recall any other pitcher on the roster other than those two (and remember Joi pitching in one game her freshman year). The only big hit I can remember is someone hitting a double, and then someone making a great catch in either center or right.
Rock Falls won the second game. Apparently I motivated them?
After the game, Emily's dad offered to give me a ride home, putting the bike in his car trunk. But before we departed, we went to have lunch at Subway. My lunch was on the school's dime. I sat across from Joi, who was still in absolute shock that I came.
After all of the good-byes, I rode home with Emily's dad, and told him to drop me off at my house. It was close to 4 p.m. and I had been gone since 7 a.m. on “a bike ride.” Now to explain everything to the parents.
“I was riding up and down the Canal when my bike broke down. I saw one of my softball friend's dad's and he offered me a ride home,” I said.
Three days later the truth came out. My mother felt she still had the power to ground me to the house after school. While I had to battle internally with lying, someone told me I had been elevated to God status at RFHS. I don't think so.
While this was a big moment of my life, it caused me a great deal of pain when it came to what other people thought I was doing. Rumors started flying of all different kinds about me.
What have I done? I don't think anything was the same after that. The girls became as successful as ever, and I wanted to see my friends play. For the rest of high school I saw an undefeated sophomore season, the varsity win the RFHS softball program's first regional title (with the girls a year older than me) and all of the girls won a state trophy in 2004.
We all went our own separate ways after graduation, and I was invited to three of the girls' graduation parties. Jen played at Sauk and I saw a couple of her games. Emily and Korby played at Quincy and I saw one of their games. Marilyn played at ISU, but I wasn't able to see any of her games.
The girls still have softball in them, and always will. The girls have a lot to be proud of, and it was a joy growing up with them.
Ten years since the bike ride.
Current Song – Strange Magic (ELO)
Has it really been ten years?
I was young, lost and stupid when I was a freshman in high school. The latter two got me in a big quagmire while attending Sterling schools. If you read my entry from three weeks ago, I didn't want to move from Rock Falls to Sterling because I didn't want to lose all of my friends. I never did gel well at Sterling.
I mention all of this stuff for a reason.
One day I was riding my bike around in Rock Falls and took in a little league softball game. The girls I thought looked around my age. Three girls I recognized right away: Emily, Alisha and Ashley. I went to school with them at Merrill. It was great to see them again. Eventually they played more games and I got to know the rest of the girls. I remember Ashley was always happy to see me.
So that's the story of how I got to know the Rock Falls softball girls. I had never seen them lose a game in little league play. I don't know if it was that, or something else, but the thing that really grabbed my attention was when they started nicknaming themselves after me.
They called it the “Cutter Cousins.” There was Mody McButter, Toady StaStaStutter, Odirapsodi Puttutter, Blody Mudder, Jody Cutter, and (this one still baffles me to this day) Hody Slutter. I'm sure I'm missing a few. I thought it was the weirdest thing in the world.
But deep down inside I thought it was an honor. I have no idea what I did to deserve such notoriety – was it jumping into the creek in Rochelle and retrieving foul balls? At any rate, at a time when I didn't feel all that great mentally and emotionally, and was terribly shy back home, these girls were the closest thing to friends that I had – but I didn't see them often. There was a great deal of respect, so much that I persuaded my grandparents to take me to Chicago to see them play. I handed out these fan cards (the cheap Hallmark kind) to them to show how much I enjoyed seeing them play and thank them for being a friend.
These girls were terrific softball players and won many state titles in little league, once making it a game short from the World Series. That success carried over to high school.
I would attend Rock Falls events when I wasn't managing anything at Sterling. I had a better vibe within the Rock Falls student section than I did in Sterling's. I had more chatter on the south side of the river. That's how I got introduced to ICQ (the first instant messaging service), and eventually the closest thing I ever came to a date with a girl (which is another story for another time).
I had tried out for baseball during the spring of my freshman year and got cut. But I went over to Optimist Park to watch the freshman girls (Emily, Ashley, Alisha, Jen, Joi, April, Korby, Kassandra, Jessica, Jennifer, Thea, Stephanie and I forget who else was on that team) play whenever I could, riding my bike from SHS across the bridge and into Rock Falls. The older girls that I knew (Bree, Jessica, Whitni, Cally, Jennifer, Haleigh, Jen and I forget who else was on that team) also played at Optimist Park as sophomores, and when their game got over I would race on my bike over to the varsity diamond to see the last couple of innings of Marilyn's game. The only regret from that year was that I only got to see Molly play once, as she was the only one of the girls to go to Newman.
One Saturday morning, I was completely bored. Here's the story ...
The freshman girls had been doing pretty well in NCIC play. They knew that Geneseo was going to be the toughest conference opponent of the year. The date was a double-header AT Geneseo. The girls knew that they did well when I showed up at their games, but common sense told them that there was no way I was going to be able to see this big double-header on the road. I had no ride there, and didn't think of asking one of the parents for one.
That Friday night, I had a crazy idea. They know I'm not going to be there, but what if I WAS there? The only means of getting there was my bicycle. I know the way to Geneseo, as we (SHS) had played football there that year. I had been on big bicycle rides before: Dixon, Polo, Lyndon, Prophetstown, Morrison, and Coleta. I debated this over the night as I fell asleep.
I woke up, and knowing I had nothing planned for the day, I decided to do it. I got dressed, took a shower, put on my sunglasses and told my parents that I would go on a bike ride. I never told them where. It was 7:30 a.m. when I departed my house on my bicycle. I had just wanted to make it to RFHS to wish them well. I went to the school and didn't find them, so I rode over to P-Town Road and found the van going down the road.
Let's do it.
It was around 8 a.m. when I left Rock Falls, going down P-Town Road toward the Riverdale School area. When I rode past the street that led to the Meier house, a sudden thought came to me. I kept riding on, but I had to think to myself – What will happen if the softball parents see me riding my bike along the road? At this point I had crossed the Interstate. “Oh crap!” I thought, “I'm gonna get an ass-chewing.” But I kept riding and hoped that no one would see me. Then a thought came to mind: I'll just tell them I'm riding to Prophetstown for the garage sale days, and think “oh what the heck” and go on. There.
Sure enough at one of the big curves on P-Town Road I saw the Wolber van drive by. I could tell by the plates. I was expecting a sudden sound of brakes, but it drove on probably not noticing me. I didn't see anything else as I made my way to Prophetstown. The garage sales were in full bloom. I exited Prophetstown, hoping that I didn't see any of my mom's relatives.
At this point, it was video game mode. Evade glass on the concrete, softball parents and P-Town relatives – or Game Over. Leaving Prophetstown, I knew my uncle Butch's place was in this little hamlet of Portland. When I got there, I went pushed my pedals as fast as I could to bypass the place and hopefully not get noticed.
No familiar cars were seen between Portland and Spring Hill. But that Isuzu commercial was stuck in my head: The one where the man drives the Isuzu and God whispers at him to “Go farther.” (YouTube it). Why stop now? I had no track of time on me, so I didn't know if the first game had started or what. At least I would make the second game. The thought of the return trip NEVER entered my head, probably because it was simply natural for me to take it easy on the way back home.
I passed Spring Hill, staying on course to Geneseo. However, I debated whether to take the diagonal road or the numbered routes to Geneseo once I reached the Henry County line. This Spring Hill Road that I was on intersected with Route 92, and most people took the right and then the immediate left on Route 82 to Geneseo. However, there is this cross road called Ebenezer Road that went from Spring Hill/92 to a T at Route 82. It was a shortcut of a few miles, but one I had never taken before. Knowing time was short, I made Ebenezer Road my course.
After Spring Hill is a small cemetery with a decrepit church building on it. I had relatives buried there, namely my grandpa Roselieb and my uncle Willie. I was tired. I was thirsty. I didn't even have breakfast when I left home. There was a water pump at the far end of the grounds and I tried to get water out of it to no avail.
Then all of a sudden I looked to the right toward Spring Hill. There was a big white truck driving by.
That truck looked familiar. Chills went down my spine.
I stared at it and tried to make out the front license plate. Sure enough. The spacing was right on. It looked like JP AG 1. It drove by and I turned the other way. I looked back, and sure enough it was JP's big white truck. Korby's dad. It kept driving on, and I was just as white as the truck. If I was spotted I would NEVER, EVER, EVER (!!!!) hear the end of it.
The only water I could find was a puddle. As gross as that seemed, these sips of water helped. I soldiered on, but was slowed down because of the simple fact that JP drove by. That scared me into “what ifs.” What would have happened if I didn't stop at the cemetery and he saw me riding on?
At some point, probably when I reached the 92 intersection, I had to tell myself to go harder and faster because I had no sense of time. Getting up the Ebenezer hills were tough.
Go ...
Go ...
Go ...
I made my way to 82 and felt a sigh of relief once I passed the Geneseo sign. I had finally made it. The high school was just to the left.
But no softball diamond. I looked around for cars. No white truck. No red van. No Chevy Astro. I was confused beyond belief. Tired, scared and now confused. I was wondering if this bike ride was really for me. Then I saw a man and asked him where the softball field was. I was to go down this Ogden Avenue and take a right and the T and follow that all the way down. I also asked the time. Luckily, it was around noon and I knew I had missed the first game. If I could get there quick enough, I could make it for the second game.
Because I had been huffing and puffing for four hours on a bicycle, in 80-degree heat, for 40 miles, I wanted to take it easy because I knew for sure where the diamonds were.
As I got deeper into town, the nerves started to rise in me. How on Earth am I to explain all of this to everyone. I had to stop at least three times and think it over. God was I nervous. I saw the diamonds, with all of the familiar cars parked, and the girls all playing catch. At least the second game didn't start yet.
Now what? How was I to make an entrance? My idea was to try to sneak by without anyone noticing.
Didn't work.
I don't know who spotted me first, but I didn't look toward the girls. All I could hear were cries of “OH MY GOD!!!!!!” “CODY!!!!!” “HE RODE HIS BIKE TO GENESEO!!!!” all tangled with one another. I don't know, but I think I remember hearing an “I LOVE YOU!” somewhere in the mix.
This stunned everyone. It stunned the parents more than the players. It stunned Coach Frank even more. And I'm sure the Geneseo players were absolutely confused at all of this.
I made my way to this rock pile at the end of the driveway. Slammed my bike down like a touchdown celebration. Threw my glasses down too. Ashley ran over and hugged me, and Jen followed with another hug. Pretty soon I was bombarded by the girls. They led me over the the Gatorade. I don't remember much after that until the game because I was drinking a lot. I guess I answered a lot of questions and such.
I remember coach Frank inviting me to sit in the dugout. However, I declined because I knew I was going to be a distraction to the girls. I had learned that they lost the first game.
I think Emily wound up pitching both games of the double-header because Korby was injured (and why JP was late to the game). I don't recall any other pitcher on the roster other than those two (and remember Joi pitching in one game her freshman year). The only big hit I can remember is someone hitting a double, and then someone making a great catch in either center or right.
Rock Falls won the second game. Apparently I motivated them?
After the game, Emily's dad offered to give me a ride home, putting the bike in his car trunk. But before we departed, we went to have lunch at Subway. My lunch was on the school's dime. I sat across from Joi, who was still in absolute shock that I came.
After all of the good-byes, I rode home with Emily's dad, and told him to drop me off at my house. It was close to 4 p.m. and I had been gone since 7 a.m. on “a bike ride.” Now to explain everything to the parents.
“I was riding up and down the Canal when my bike broke down. I saw one of my softball friend's dad's and he offered me a ride home,” I said.
Three days later the truth came out. My mother felt she still had the power to ground me to the house after school. While I had to battle internally with lying, someone told me I had been elevated to God status at RFHS. I don't think so.
While this was a big moment of my life, it caused me a great deal of pain when it came to what other people thought I was doing. Rumors started flying of all different kinds about me.
What have I done? I don't think anything was the same after that. The girls became as successful as ever, and I wanted to see my friends play. For the rest of high school I saw an undefeated sophomore season, the varsity win the RFHS softball program's first regional title (with the girls a year older than me) and all of the girls won a state trophy in 2004.
We all went our own separate ways after graduation, and I was invited to three of the girls' graduation parties. Jen played at Sauk and I saw a couple of her games. Emily and Korby played at Quincy and I saw one of their games. Marilyn played at ISU, but I wasn't able to see any of her games.
The girls still have softball in them, and always will. The girls have a lot to be proud of, and it was a joy growing up with them.
Ten years since the bike ride.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Good Things Come To Those Who Wait?
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
WARNING: This post may be horrible, but I think sharing it will only help me understand the errors of my ways. Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Those that grew up with me know two things about me and trying to find a girlfriend: 1) I had a tough time, and 2) I was a real stickler.
The philosophy was that if girls can get away with being that strict in their searches, why shouldn't I? Thus I wanted to find girlfriends by asking the same questions as girls would do when finding boyfriends.
One of the first ones that I really liked (in fifth grade), and was sure of it, shot me down very quickly. That kind of gave me the motivation to think, "Well, TWO can play at that game!"
The "Cody Test" was born.
First I must say that the searching doesn't happen by force. The pairing usually comes by accident or given opportunity. So it's not like I have profiles on every girl I know. When the opportunity presents itself, then I conduct the Cody Test.
The Cody Test usually starts in two ways:
1) So I like you. Let me look into it deeper to make sure I know this will work.
2) You like me? Let me think about it for a minute.
Then I proceed with the toughest part of the test: examining the mental qualities. I have to ask myself certain questions, such as:
1) Who are the types of people she hangs out with?
2) Have you had any boyfriends in the past?
3) What are the chances that she will decieve me at my current state of being?
4) What are the chances that she will decieve me if I were to improve my current state of being?
5) I will help you when you are down. Will you help me when I am down?
6) How long can I forsee this relationship occurring for?
I actually don't recieve concrete responses, but rather get them from littler things such as tone of voice, vocabulary, mannerisms, friend feedback, etc. The first four questions aim to weed out those girls that simply want to lead me into the wrong direction and slap me in the face (bullying).
Each answer, determined by me and me only, is given a score on a range:
1) "1" being "sure I can hang out with those people" and "5" being absolutely NOT
2) "1" being 0-2 and "5" being a whore-like number (range scaled according to girl's age) (Born-agains for "5's" will be considered and given extra credit minus-points)
3 and 4) "1" being never and "5" being absolutely.
5) "1" being absolutely and "5" being never.
6) "1" being forever and "5" being "just to say you did it"
A perfect score on the Cody Test is a "6" with the worst being a "30". Only two or three girls have ever recieved scores of "6". But that doesn't mean I'll only consider "6's" I'll consider 9's and fewer.
Morals are always an important part of the thought process. I'll never discriminate based on race, ethnicity, height or weight (in other words, things on the outside). But I do have a certain age range of 10 both ways (because I'm 26, those between 16-18 aren't considered for obvious reasons).
If you've made it all the way down here, you'll probably tell me that this thing is absolutely not a good idea. But if I do take the chance and get screwed as a result, I'll just tell you that I was right all along.
So this is how I ask the question of whether or not a girl is good enough for me. Many pieces of eye candy (boys know who these girls are) have failed. And girls do this kind of thing all of the time. Don't lie. I hate liars.
Girls could look at this and tell me that they are a perfect "6" for me. How do I know you're not lying? That's why I make the answers.
As much as I try to make these things foolproof, I know it's not always going to work out. But I have to be careful not to screw myself over. If it wasn't for being slapped around during fifth grade, sixth grade and seventh grade, there probably would be NO Cody Test. But having that happen to me gave me no choice.
So I guess the waiting game will work for now.
WARNING: This post may be horrible, but I think sharing it will only help me understand the errors of my ways. Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Those that grew up with me know two things about me and trying to find a girlfriend: 1) I had a tough time, and 2) I was a real stickler.
The philosophy was that if girls can get away with being that strict in their searches, why shouldn't I? Thus I wanted to find girlfriends by asking the same questions as girls would do when finding boyfriends.
One of the first ones that I really liked (in fifth grade), and was sure of it, shot me down very quickly. That kind of gave me the motivation to think, "Well, TWO can play at that game!"
The "Cody Test" was born.
First I must say that the searching doesn't happen by force. The pairing usually comes by accident or given opportunity. So it's not like I have profiles on every girl I know. When the opportunity presents itself, then I conduct the Cody Test.
The Cody Test usually starts in two ways:
1) So I like you. Let me look into it deeper to make sure I know this will work.
2) You like me? Let me think about it for a minute.
Then I proceed with the toughest part of the test: examining the mental qualities. I have to ask myself certain questions, such as:
1) Who are the types of people she hangs out with?
2) Have you had any boyfriends in the past?
3) What are the chances that she will decieve me at my current state of being?
4) What are the chances that she will decieve me if I were to improve my current state of being?
5) I will help you when you are down. Will you help me when I am down?
6) How long can I forsee this relationship occurring for?
I actually don't recieve concrete responses, but rather get them from littler things such as tone of voice, vocabulary, mannerisms, friend feedback, etc. The first four questions aim to weed out those girls that simply want to lead me into the wrong direction and slap me in the face (bullying).
Each answer, determined by me and me only, is given a score on a range:
1) "1" being "sure I can hang out with those people" and "5" being absolutely NOT
2) "1" being 0-2 and "5" being a whore-like number (range scaled according to girl's age) (Born-agains for "5's" will be considered and given extra credit minus-points)
3 and 4) "1" being never and "5" being absolutely.
5) "1" being absolutely and "5" being never.
6) "1" being forever and "5" being "just to say you did it"
A perfect score on the Cody Test is a "6" with the worst being a "30". Only two or three girls have ever recieved scores of "6". But that doesn't mean I'll only consider "6's" I'll consider 9's and fewer.
Morals are always an important part of the thought process. I'll never discriminate based on race, ethnicity, height or weight (in other words, things on the outside). But I do have a certain age range of 10 both ways (because I'm 26, those between 16-18 aren't considered for obvious reasons).
If you've made it all the way down here, you'll probably tell me that this thing is absolutely not a good idea. But if I do take the chance and get screwed as a result, I'll just tell you that I was right all along.
So this is how I ask the question of whether or not a girl is good enough for me. Many pieces of eye candy (boys know who these girls are) have failed. And girls do this kind of thing all of the time. Don't lie. I hate liars.
Girls could look at this and tell me that they are a perfect "6" for me. How do I know you're not lying? That's why I make the answers.
As much as I try to make these things foolproof, I know it's not always going to work out. But I have to be careful not to screw myself over. If it wasn't for being slapped around during fifth grade, sixth grade and seventh grade, there probably would be NO Cody Test. But having that happen to me gave me no choice.
So I guess the waiting game will work for now.
How Far Behind Am I?
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
Thinking back to where my classmates are today made me go back to my personal email inbox. I am a hoarder when it comes to email. I have messages sent from classmates when we made the jump from middle school to high school - just before 9/11.
I don't usually write about my days at middle school, because those were pretty much some of the worst times of my life, up until the second half of eighth grade (asking a girl out for the first time, managing the basketball team, etc.).
To sum it all up, here are emails to and from classmates of mine from 11 years back. I had sent emails to all of my friends that I didn't see on a regular basis, just to keep in touch with them. I was pretty nervous when it came to friendships.
Here's an example of what I sent (to a boy):
"Hello ( ) It’s Cody Cutter. I don’t really get a chance to see people. But I can always e-mail them. How have you been doing? Are you going out for football and basketball this year? I’m only going out for football. Are you still going out with ( )? Or is the relationship on hold? Last I heard, you two broke up. I don’t believe that. High School is going to be great. I hope we have some classes together.
Have a fun summer!"
And here's an example of what I got back (from a girl):
"Cody don't take this really bad i'm not trying to sound mean but.. in your email to me you sounded so i don't know how to say it but like so more normal than you usually seem. you always seem so unself confident. and you just dont act the same as i think you usually do for some reason i think you act different when you are like at home and stuff than when you are at school around me and everyone else. At school your so hooked on the girl you like and stuff. but ne ways, i don't wanna sound mean ok?? that's not how it was suppose to come out if it did."
That's true. I WAS so hooked on the girl I liked.
And this led to mass chaos that led to the "middle name maneuver" on Facebook searches.
Everything I tried always failed. 11 years later, I now know why. I was literally garbage. Ask anyone.
"Getting a girlfriend" was always priority No. 1. This was something I focused on more than schoolwork on occasion, and probably why I didn't do so well in school late in life. Everyone else I knew and played wall ball with at recess had a girlfriend. I wanted to be just like that. It's biting me in the ass a decade later. Throughout high school I came close once, and this was something out of the blue that I just wasn't prepared for. No other opportunity EVER came my way again.
Over the years I've come to realize that finding a girlfriend just doesn't come by force. And when it does, rumors start about you.
In 2012, I'm 26 years old, still living with mom and dad, working a part-time job, in far worse physical shape, and more of a bio-hazard.
I look at myself and notice that I am in NO WAY marketable to any girl out there the way I am now. It's just not going to happen.
11 years ago, getting a girlfriend was priority No. 1. In 2012, getting a girlfriend takes a HUGE backseat to the other things I have to improve about myself. Time didn't help me at all, since some of the girls I liked then are marrried with children today.
Nevertheless, getting a girlfriend is still something I would love to enjoy in my life. But I feel like I have to change a WHOLE LOT about myself in order to make that happen: moving out of the house, working a full-time job, getting in physical shape, and cleaning myself up.
I believe I can change everything to make my dreams come true.
Thinking back to where my classmates are today made me go back to my personal email inbox. I am a hoarder when it comes to email. I have messages sent from classmates when we made the jump from middle school to high school - just before 9/11.
I don't usually write about my days at middle school, because those were pretty much some of the worst times of my life, up until the second half of eighth grade (asking a girl out for the first time, managing the basketball team, etc.).
To sum it all up, here are emails to and from classmates of mine from 11 years back. I had sent emails to all of my friends that I didn't see on a regular basis, just to keep in touch with them. I was pretty nervous when it came to friendships.
Here's an example of what I sent (to a boy):
"Hello ( ) It’s Cody Cutter. I don’t really get a chance to see people. But I can always e-mail them. How have you been doing? Are you going out for football and basketball this year? I’m only going out for football. Are you still going out with ( )? Or is the relationship on hold? Last I heard, you two broke up. I don’t believe that. High School is going to be great. I hope we have some classes together.
Have a fun summer!"
And here's an example of what I got back (from a girl):
"Cody don't take this really bad i'm not trying to sound mean but.. in your email to me you sounded so i don't know how to say it but like so more normal than you usually seem. you always seem so unself confident. and you just dont act the same as i think you usually do for some reason i think you act different when you are like at home and stuff than when you are at school around me and everyone else. At school your so hooked on the girl you like and stuff. but ne ways, i don't wanna sound mean ok?? that's not how it was suppose to come out if it did."
That's true. I WAS so hooked on the girl I liked.
And this led to mass chaos that led to the "middle name maneuver" on Facebook searches.
Everything I tried always failed. 11 years later, I now know why. I was literally garbage. Ask anyone.
"Getting a girlfriend" was always priority No. 1. This was something I focused on more than schoolwork on occasion, and probably why I didn't do so well in school late in life. Everyone else I knew and played wall ball with at recess had a girlfriend. I wanted to be just like that. It's biting me in the ass a decade later. Throughout high school I came close once, and this was something out of the blue that I just wasn't prepared for. No other opportunity EVER came my way again.
Over the years I've come to realize that finding a girlfriend just doesn't come by force. And when it does, rumors start about you.
In 2012, I'm 26 years old, still living with mom and dad, working a part-time job, in far worse physical shape, and more of a bio-hazard.
I look at myself and notice that I am in NO WAY marketable to any girl out there the way I am now. It's just not going to happen.
11 years ago, getting a girlfriend was priority No. 1. In 2012, getting a girlfriend takes a HUGE backseat to the other things I have to improve about myself. Time didn't help me at all, since some of the girls I liked then are marrried with children today.
Nevertheless, getting a girlfriend is still something I would love to enjoy in my life. But I feel like I have to change a WHOLE LOT about myself in order to make that happen: moving out of the house, working a full-time job, getting in physical shape, and cleaning myself up.
I believe I can change everything to make my dreams come true.
"Greed" and "Surviving"
Cutter's Log - Stardate 21002.20.50
Current Song - Money (Pink Floyd)
For 7 long months I didn't have any source of income. The only way I could make money was if I collected aluminum cans and turned them in for a small amount of money. All while app opps were failing.
Then when things got to its lowest point (in this entry linked here) - almost eight years after I got the golden opportunity of a lifetime to work for SVM (and escaping from the hell that was PSO), I got the next golden opportunity to come back to work at the Shell station (escaping from the hell that was unemployment).
Do things really go great in eights?
Only this time around, I am 26 years old. Eight years ago I should have been preparing to move out of the house and into college. Four months on my preparation journey, something happened that sent life into freefall. Therefore, I make a prediction that August 2012 will be a month that will be very important in my life. (It's too bad I can't get blog posts notorized).
So I should probably get started now in making things better to make August 2012 something that is great in my life.
The weekly paycheck is coming now - a source of income, finally. I've heard of paperclip theories and other random ways to bolster my income. I have one chief way, and the others that I have heard while on this 7-month voyage are flanking it.
Right now I need every avenue to work out.
I learned that during my few days of lowpoint that I am actually WAY, WAY, WAY (X infinity) behind everyone else by age on the learning curve. I took a moment out of my day to take a glance of the Facebook profiles of my classmates that I have as friends (SHS 2005, RFHS 2005). Then I looked at myself.
It's gonna take a lot of money to make that happen.
It's going to have to take having an obsession with having a lot of money to make that happen.
Now is that greed, or trying to survive?
Current Song - Money (Pink Floyd)
For 7 long months I didn't have any source of income. The only way I could make money was if I collected aluminum cans and turned them in for a small amount of money. All while app opps were failing.
Then when things got to its lowest point (in this entry linked here) - almost eight years after I got the golden opportunity of a lifetime to work for SVM (and escaping from the hell that was PSO), I got the next golden opportunity to come back to work at the Shell station (escaping from the hell that was unemployment).
Do things really go great in eights?
Only this time around, I am 26 years old. Eight years ago I should have been preparing to move out of the house and into college. Four months on my preparation journey, something happened that sent life into freefall. Therefore, I make a prediction that August 2012 will be a month that will be very important in my life. (It's too bad I can't get blog posts notorized).
So I should probably get started now in making things better to make August 2012 something that is great in my life.
The weekly paycheck is coming now - a source of income, finally. I've heard of paperclip theories and other random ways to bolster my income. I have one chief way, and the others that I have heard while on this 7-month voyage are flanking it.
Right now I need every avenue to work out.
I learned that during my few days of lowpoint that I am actually WAY, WAY, WAY (X infinity) behind everyone else by age on the learning curve. I took a moment out of my day to take a glance of the Facebook profiles of my classmates that I have as friends (SHS 2005, RFHS 2005). Then I looked at myself.
It's gonna take a lot of money to make that happen.
It's going to have to take having an obsession with having a lot of money to make that happen.
Now is that greed, or trying to survive?
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