20 Things That Are Preventing Me From You-Know-What

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.13.10
Current Song - Love Hangover (Diana Ross)

I remember the first serious thought of "boyfriend-girlfriend." It was in fifth grade when my crush at the time was pulling a fast one on me.

That was 15 years ago. Since that time I have seen many of my classmates form these relationships. Other than that one time I was bluffed into something I didn't quite want, it's been a 15-year drought.

Now I'm seeing classmates that were formerly in the same boat as me now having the time of their lives. They never had a girl in high school. I'm rowing that boat alone now.

I honestly think I'm the last holdout. Wait, no. There are others who have jumped the ship and given up. Not me.

Wait ... the same Cody Cutter that ....

Yeah, that one.

This "last holdout" has been around both the cream of the crop and the bottom of the barrel. Nothing has materialized.

I always wonder why that is the case. Of course it's my fault. But the exact details as to why that is have been very hard to explain.

Through bullet points, I have put together a list of reasons why I am still single after all these years.


1. I don't get out much - Because of interests (high school sports) and work (Shell), this leaves very little room for other commitments. This has been a routine since high school, where I was always covering a high school sports game. The high school sports stuff is necessary in order to maintain the desired career that I want (journalism). The Shell stuff is necessary in order to make money.

Since I have never been able to get out much, I don't know what "getting out" feels like. I think I can count on one hand all of the "getting out" times I have had since high school.

Also, because of how bound I am amongst the two, this doesn't create any "her" time (in other words, time for her).

2. High school sports is a bare cupboard - The reason why I go so far to cover games is to keep interest in high school sports high. Somehow, I possess this ability to care about many schools and athletes when no one else does.

It is because of this that, during almost all games outside of Sterling/Newman/Rock Falls that I cover, I know no one else in the gym except a journalist or a coach.

In regard to the "same interest" concept, those women that share this particular interest of mine either 1) are married, or 2) do not exist.

3. I am overweight - Since I pose a health hazard, the girl has to think about either potential laziness (which, if hooked, will NOT happen) and a possible medical bill for when something bad happens.

Looks do mean something. You never see girls fawn over someone like Artie Lange, Chris Christie, or Ralphie May.

4. My primary interest involves the Internet - which leads some people to think that I'm qualified to be a member of the Geek Squad at Best Buy. Truth is, I can't tell you about the components of a hard drive. I just know how to put a website together. And edit pictures, and edit video, and upload things onto YouTube.

5. I've been unable to keep up with the times - This is mostly because I find myself "making do" with earlier technologies such as compact disks, standard cell phones, desktop computers, and cash.

Everyone else around me is always hooked on the latest tech craze. I can't fathom why they need a new iWhatever every two months. This leads to people thinking that I am cheap and boring.

6. I do not smoke or drink - This statement seems like blasphemy, but everywhere I look I see this. I don't smoke because I know damn well that it kills me. I don't drink because I know damn well it kills me.

Because I don't drink, people think that I am a wuss and therefore "not cool." I know I'm not smart when it comes to my body (See #3), but I'm smart enough to know what kills me and doesn't. This is a penalty that really ticks me off.

7. This thing called Autism - What it really does is distort courage. I always find myself wondering "what if something goes wrong," when people push me toward someone.

In school, I could never find it within myself, except once with Amber, to tell a girl exactly how I thought of them and the words "I love you." When I did let my love known, someone was always there to ridicule me for saying what I had to say. That someone pretty much scarred me for life and I will never forgive her.

8. I always doubted those that "helped" me - From what I understand, there were classmates of mine in middle school that tried to steer me into someone's direction. These classmates were the popular kids.

I could never quite tell whether they were really out there to help me, or ridicule me.

One thing's for sure, whatever help ceased to be in high school. Either because of anger, or boredom.

9. I have to ask myself, "Do I foresee a future with you?" - For some reason I possess the ability to know a person's personality based on words, mood and opinions. If you and I don't mix, I just don't see it happening.

This is why I have, so many times, prematurely looked the other way. I'm always pointing, "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," "no," ....

10. I am picky - I am picky because I value myself (or whatever little is left of me). If I go into unknown territory and come out battered, that scar remains with me, and what people think of me, forever. I have a lot of things listed in the "I do NOT want" column than the "I DO want" column.

11. I make $9.25/hour - Not quite enough to make someone's wants and desires to come true on demand.

The mental barriers of Autism prevent me from working at a job where my hands are dirty every day, where I drink from a thermos, and such. Thus I don't have any salary. My school grades also killed the ability to work from a cubicle.

12. I can't tell Fun from Serious - In school, I would see my friends pick on the girl I liked, and they laughed it off. However, if I did the same thing, it bothered them.

Perhaps it didn't come out of my mouth as playful.

13. The shyness snowballs into seclusion, starting rumors - The most often one about me was that I had "obsessions." Not true. Another time involved stalking. Not true. Another time involved whether I was gay. Not true.

Because I have no social paper trail, people often fill in the blanks in their own to match the volume of those that they do know. They seem to always get it wrong. That leads to rumors that hurt my image. Hate that.

14. I have a belief that you just can't up and meet someone and like them - Many, many people have suggested that I get a change of scenery outside of Sterling and Rock Falls. I have to fully understand the person before I can make any kind of move. They say "getting girls" is easy. I think not.

I'd much rather be with someone that I have known for 10 years instead of 10 weeks.

15. I don't know what to do as far as a social life - My mind refers to things that the generation above me used to do. But I always have to ask myself whether that stuff still works. Where are the places to go? What are the things to do? I just don't know.

I have friends that DO know, but they won't tell me. They think I have to figure it out for myself. I CAN'T!

One thing I DO like to do is to go to the Riverboat.

16. People think I'm reserved and quiet - As far as being reserved goes, this Blog has detailed every thought of my life since graduating high school. So I'm not "quiet" about anything.

While I do not talk a whole lot, I do write a whole lot.

17. Fear of the "journalist" feeling when it comes to new interests - This one I need to explain.

I have certain interests, and it's like DNA. I often find myself simply asking questions when doing something that I don't have an interest in, and she does. This, I think leads to a dull moment, and we get lost.

I like local history. Perhaps she likes quilting.

18. So much time has passed - As I mentioned at the start, any start will be a very late one. I have very little paper trail when it comes to relationships, and whatever does exist is just a forgotten memory.

19. I whine a lot - This one needs no elaboration. But I only "whine" to get panicked thoughts out of my head and into the open, away from me. Everyone hates it when I talk about this girlfriend drought of mine, but what good will it do to keep it bottled up in my head?

At least sharing my frustrations can somehow open a path for success.

20. I doubt myself a lot - This is the #1 reason.

I can never "just do it." I have to carefully prepare for these things and make sure all of the pieces are in place before embarking on something.

It's always been "I can't do it," because "I don't know how to do it."

Embarassment will cloud people's image of me, and how they treat me and such.

I don't have people to guide me as to if I'm doing things the right way, or the wrong way. I often wish they would, and often wish they would just spoon-feed me. But I think my friends don't want to be involved in this long-term commitment to helping me both find a girlfriend and maintaining a relationship.

My cries for help have gone unanswered. People think it's just a monologue. It's not. These cries are real.

So feel free to help, or add on to my list. I know there's gotta be a way.