Filling An Empty Heart --- Part II

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.31.50
Current Song - Nadia's Theme (Henry Mancini)

Went back to my bench last night. Talked to the Lord again.

I had a feeling that another realization was going to brew from the one I made already.

There have only been two times in my life so far in which I have experienced the Q&A. The first time was in seventh grade. That was, of course, met with a "no." I never quite took the time to analyze why that was the case. Back then, the only answer was "she doesn't like me." However, the older you get the more you can try to understand why it was the case.

While thinking of the failures of my one and only true relationship, it led me to think about the failure about this particular seventh grade opportunity.

When I thought of the buildup and the stepping stones toward making my one and only relationship official, this particular time in seventh grade lacked all of that. Looking back, it seemed to be one major jump after another without the time to really work on building, maintaining and strengthening a deeper friendship.

I went from saying,"Gee, I really like her," to "I think she's the one," to giving her roses at the Valentine's Day dance, to asking her out on the telephone.

I thought I was doing the right thing. Heck, I had NEVER seen any of my friends present roses at a school dance to someone before.

She just wasn't ready. I was going too fast.

Her and I knew each other in school, but never really hung out outside of school. She sat next to me in sixth grade, and I think that is when she kind of knew a little more about me. That, in turn, led to me knowing just a little more about her. But still, we never really saw each other outside of school. Now if that opportunity ever presented itself, you're darn right that I would have jumped at that opportunity. But it never happened.

This is where my disabilities factor in, as it is tough for me to engage in friendship strengthening.

Looking back at all of the middle school relationships that I knew about, both the boy and the girl seemed to know each other well, hung out with each other at recess, sat in the same area in the lunch room, went to each other's houses, etc. All of that BEFORE I saw them holding hands in the hallways.

It all makes sense now.

I was a quiet kid IN school, and a quiet kid OUT of school. It is difficult to remember the few times that I had out-of-school interactions with my classmates during middle school. Seriously. I reconnected with my best friend from Kindergarten, Seth, once we were at middle school together. There was that one day when I went to Sinississippi with Adam and Nick, but only because I felt sad one night at a school dance. There were those couple of times when I would ride my bike to North End Shell to grab a Pepsi for Michelle or Ashley. I had to beg to go to Corey and Nathan's Birthday party at Corey's, as it seemed like everyone was invited except for me.

I simply cannot remember any other interactions. Sad, isn't it? I was just way too shy.

It was considered rare to see me at a function outside of the school setting with a group of friends. The key word is with. When Newmanfest was at the Mall, I was there, but not with anyone.

Newmanfest ... that's the fair with the Zipper. You knew you could get something accomplished when you got to ride on the Zipper with someone - as it is a ride where two people (and NOT one) could ride. I tried to hatch a plan into riding on it with another girl, but that fell through. (The only time I ever rode on the Zipper was in grade school with my cousin Pammie).

That girl was from Rock Falls.

Friendships, you see, were actually easy for me to strengthen until I was about 12 years old. I'm beating a dead horse here but it was because of the move to Sterling. Therefore, I wanted to go back.

One thing led to another, and throughout middle school and high school, the people who I consider my greatest friends were those little league softball girls. And they still are.

The big misconception with having built a great rapport with these girls is that I dated them, hung out with them, went to their houses, etc. Actually, none of that ever happened. We really only huge out with each other at sports events. But when I look at the building process of a friendship, there is a lot I can determine from having been their friends all these years.

I think there was one girl that I may have come close to going the next step further in a friendship. I guess I just didn't know how to make that happen. Same girl I tried riding on the Zipper with. Not who most people think it is, either.

I did such a poor job socially. I didn't really have a true "best" friend that I could tell share my biggest thoughts and concerns with. Perhaps I wouldn't have this eight-year-old Blog if that would have happened, as I'm now just writing things in hopes that someone would read it. I did such a poor job socially, and it's biting me in the butt right now since we're all moving on.

I keep telling myself that if I would have just SAID SOMETHING back then, things would be much better today.

Perhaps I should work harder on trying to strengthen and maintain friendships before I can even think about these relationships.

I failed in that regard in seventh grade. I didn't know that "dates" come before "relationships." And these dates don't have to be that one grand, official event. Just a get-together apparently qualifies.

***

I thought of all of this while looking at more stars. There just happened to be a star formation that looked like a cross, and I stared at that while thinking this deep.

This is perhaps, just as big a challenge as dropping these pounds.