Filling An Empty Heart --- Part I

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.10.50
Current Song - Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel)

Apparently I have the okay.

In my search to find out more about relationships, I took a walk not too far from my house. I sat on a bench at 14th Avenue Park and stared at the few stars that were in the sky.

It is a quiet enough spot: away from the dam, and away from the sight of many people. Open sky. Just as long as a train doesn't pass by. There is plenty of warning for when a train comes from the east, as you can see the light from the Nelson Bridge.

Anyway, the quietness made me think about certain things deeper. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I thought about the Question and Answer.

Only one time had I experienced the answer of "yes" to the question "Will you go out with me?"

Freshman year, 2002. Alicia.

I had always considered this to be so much a failure that I have denied the existence of this even happening. We got past Q&A and that was it. That was my only success out of two.

When I say, "I've never had a girlfriend," that is actually not true. I did have one. I just denied the existence of it because it was so poor. We completed Step No. 1.

That led me to believe that other relationships only got as far as ours. And even the possibility that relationships have existed where the breakup happened a mere seconds after "Yes."

I kept denying the existence of it because it was so bad. I don't know if Alicia denies the existence of this herself (in fact, we haven't even talked or seen each other since our freshman year). I simply wasn't ready to proceed forward after making it official.

I found out that the Q&A was the EASIEST part of the relationship. It takes so much more to maintain it. I failed in that regard when we were to see each other after one of the RF boys basketball games. We broke up not too long after that night.

I remember when we made it official. I was so excited to have a girlfriend that I mass messaged all of my friends on ICQ that I had FINALLY found the girl. I remember all of the congratulations and such. Wish I could have made it happen more.

I just wasn't ready yet. I was too excited to break the curse that I had completely forgotten about the inner workings of what a relationship is.

Looking at it a little more, many relationships had beginnings and ends. Turns out this one had both, despite its short lifespan.

So I guess it DID happen, and my tally is "1" instead of "0".

Since I have blocked out the existence of this relationship, I failed to learn from the mistakes that doom it. I have re-analyzed the whole relationship from accepting her ICQ friend request until the breakup:

I wasn't willing: ICQ and what else in terms of conversation??
Two-way streets are better than one.
I rarely consulted my parents for advice on how to make it all work. I was so afraid of hearing tactics that worked for them in 1983 and my belief that they wouldn't work in 2002. That, and pushing me into things that I just wasn't ready for.

Another thing I am realizing, now that I am recognizing my relationship with Alicia into existence once more is remembering the whole build-up before the Q&A. We talked on ICQ all of the time, and even had some phone conversations. We were both nervous to meet for the first time. We chatted about many things, from love to just about anything you could think of. It was to the point where I couldn't wait to see her name pop up in chat.

Another lesson learned from this relationship is to strengthen the build-up that eventually leads to the Q&A. I feel if I could have done a lot more in this process, things would have been much easier in the relationship after the Q&A.

Also, now that I'm at peace with considering this the only relationship I've had to date, I can't thank Joi enough for her efforts to try to get Alicia and I together.

So it did happen. This feels like an important discovery. I'm anxious to learn from my mistakes.