Filling An Empty Heart

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3120.90.50
Current Song - Deacon Blues (Steely Dan)

The thing that has been on my mind these past couple of weeks involves my "failure" with relationships. I have felt that time has really passed me by, as I am single at 27 and people that I've hung out with over the years are married with 1-4 children.

My parents were 19 when they were married. My mom's mom married at 18 (although that didn't last). My dad's parents were 20 when they got married. My dad's mom's mom was 18 when she got married, and her mom and dad were about 20 when they got married. So young marriages and early births run in the family. To further prove this point, if my great-great grandfather Everett were alive today, he would be 106 years old.

However, I know full well that marrying between 18-21 is not the norm. Since I grew up knowing all of that, however, I tended to think that this was the norm. Not really, and I am okay with that.

Me, along with my three little brothers and my cousin Justin, are all 21 or older. No wife. No kids. For a long time, I thought it was my fault for not being able to set the example and be a case study - especially for Chris and Daniel. All of which have had a certain one-up on me in the form of either a girlfriend or a prom/homecoming date (I have had NONE of such, unfortunately).

With this question consuming every waking moment of my mind, I decided to hit the books. Library books.

After a couple, the next book on the slate was "If You Really Loved Me." The cover stated that it had answers to 100 questions about all that good stuff. I checked it out in hopes that it would answer a few questions I had in regards to why things haven't worked out.

Reading the back cover a little closely, I noticed that this was a religious book. Bible scriptures, capitalized "He"s and all that like.

For all but a couple of brief episodes of my life, I hadn't really bothered much with religion. When I was about 8-9 I attended a Congregational church to coincide with my late uncle Scott becoming our godfather. About 8-9 years ago, I had attended some Southern Baptist services. I found those a little awkward and demanding. I didn't get it, and I stopped going.

Reading this book was probably the most "religious" thing I have done since the last time I regularly attended church. Remember, when I checked out this book from the library, I had NO IDEA it had a religious theme.

But I decided to read into it.

I couldn't stop reading it.

One passage stood out the most to me. Within the 231-page book, THIS was on page 50-51:

"Here's now singles view the world of relationships: 'God created earth - that's 199 million square miles, for the record. Then God created my soul mate and put her out there somewhere. My job is to find her, and God's job seems to be to hide her from me for as long as physically possible. It is a delicate matter. If I sit at the wrong table during lunch, or do not keep my eyes constantly scanning, I might miss her. Destiny could slip from between my fingertips because I was careless. I'm prepared to exhaust myself until I find her.'

If this rings a bell, then it's time to hand the matter over to God."

That's me, alright. Everyone I know knows that.

The more I thought about it, the more I decided that it was best to do just that:  hand the matter over to the more trusted hands of God's.

However, I have never really been a religious person for God to have trust in me. But I am told that He loves all, so I figured it's worth a shot. I had never dealt with Him before in such matters, but I know well that this is not a one-way street.

As I handed over the matter into trusted hands, after 15 years of frustration, I had been persuaded by Him to think some things over about myself and correct them. We would be working together to help solve the matter.

I must find it somewhere within myself to improve on this, by thinking EVERYTHING in regards to love all over. I shall do this.

I took some time last night to think about this process. I took a short walk from my house over to a bench at 14th Avenue Park, and sat and thought while staring at the few stars that were up.

I made one realization last night.

***

Now before I go ay further, I'd like to inform all of this Blog's readers that this will fall under a new series called "Filling An Empty Heart."

I have "Part I" planned, but I'm looking for some input.

Thinking about all of this may involve many past memories regarding the girls that I've met in my life. I only mention names when it's really necessary. They say it's not best to work on relationships by mentioning publically the past events with past people - especially when that special women COULD be reading it. But I tend to learn and understand more when putting thoughts from my head into words and sentences - for feedback.

Or perhaps I should seek private consultation?