Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.62.50
Current Song - Street Life (Herb Alpert)
One thing led to another, and that another led to a thought about patience.
I've been told that I have incredible patience, in the form of the "been there, done that" attitude.
A lot of that is a defense mechanism at work. I have seen many examples of where the slightest panic will turn into mania, and I've also witnessed the consequences of these manic moments. Therefore, you try to eliminate the root of the problem - which is supressing that slightest panic.
Having incredible patience can give the appearance of me either being boring or not caring at all about something. That's not reality.
Sully, the hero pilot who famously landed an airplane into the Hudson River, was calm in his communication messages to air traffic control. His messages almost seemed like monotone, especially when he stated "we're going to be in the Hudson."
One moment that tested my patience was my car accident on Route 26 north of Lacon in February 2012.
It was a snowy night and I was on my way to cover Wethersfield/Marquette girls basketball at the Varna Midland sectional. I barely went off and hit the gravel off of the road. Steering back onto the road, the momentum was too much and I was spinning on the pavement.
As I was doing a couple of 180-degree turns on the road, my first thought after the natural "Oh, shit ..." was this:
"Eventually the car will come to a stop at some point. No one's driving toward my direction."
When the thought of knowing that I was going to get off the road would come up, my thought after that was:
"My car will stop, but I don't know how. Prepare for the worst."
I immediately took my hands off of the steering wheel and went into a fetal position as best as I could from sitting in the driver seat. I let the car move around until it slowed to a stopping point. I felt a slight lean, but never flipped over. I went into the ditch and landed on my four wheels on a flat surface. I was silent the whole time. I wasn't awkward into the ditch (similar to an accident in Neponset a couple of years prior).
"Am I okay? I'm okay. A little back pain, but I can muscle it out."
I took a deep breath once I realized that I was on flat on all four wheels. Then I was silent for a few seconds.
"Okay."
Then I flipped on the emergency signals and got out of my car, cell phone in hand. Yes, I was able to walk freely on the surface. I was six and a half feet below the road and attempted to make the incline. I made it alright, and waved down the first car that approached. Told him my car went into the road and wondered if he knew how to get a hold of a Marshall County sheriff.
Adding to my patience involved silently telling myself each and every plan after one was done.
If I was okay, all was alright. The car is an inanimate object and there was a way to get home one way or another, because I knew that authorities existed and will be helpful. I then calmly arranged for my car to be removed and towed, and to be taken to Midland High School to cover my game. I was going to call my dad for a ride back home, and any backup plan would be discussed between the two of us.
I was dropped off at Midland by the sheriff and proceeded to cover the basketball game as if the accident never happened. Wethersfield beat Marquette in a game where the Lady Cru's top player was sidelined in the first couple of minutes. I didn't make any mention to anyone there that I was in a car accident, including the coaches that I was interviewing during the usual small talk.
Certainly this was a tale that could be told to the first person that you'd see. Turns out that my first interview was with Marquette's head coach. It would be absolutely foolish to mention anything about my misfortune when there was misfortune clouding the Lady Cru after the game: their season came to a sudden end, and the star player was in bad pain. After all, the game was about them and not about me.
As I was riding along with my dad, I was talking to my friend Bill on the phone. I mentioned that I was in a car accident, and his reaction was immediate panic and loud concern. (He had been involved in a much larger-scale accident coming back from a volleyball match at L-P). Then my dad's truck got rear-ended real hard on I-80 in Princeton, while I was talking to Bill.
My phone slipped from my hands and went under the seat. The phone was still on and I couldn't find it for a while. Meanwhile, Bill, at the other end of the phone, was panicking beyond belief. When I finally found my phone, I patiently told him what had happened. It kind of irked me a little that he was panicking more than I was - after all, I was the one actually involved in the car crash and not him.
I wrote and posted my article in usual time when I got home.
My car was at a shop in Henry and dad and I went down (in my Aunt Judy's car) to pick it up. The other semifinal of that sectional was that night between Annawan and Hinckley-Big Rock - two of my closest girls basketball teams that year in terms of friendship. I didn't want to miss that.
When I got home, I mentioned on Facebook that I was in a car accident on my way to Varna that night. Word reached my friends in Annawan and Hinckley. So when I walked into Midland High School the next night, Annawan's head coach broke a team conversation to ask me if I was alright. So did H-BR's when I made my way over there. While I appreciated the concern, I tried to play down my events as best as I could because this night wasn't about me.
One of Annawan's star sophomores was playing with a cold. One of Hinckley's star seniors saw her career end after four years as a player and many more before that as a manager. My misfortunes meant nothing compared to these, and I wanted to play down my ordeals and not mention it among these.
I did feel a bit too sore to cover the sectional championship game that Thursday between Annawan and Wethersfield, so I sent Bill down there to cover it.
***
You may have noticed that in my quoted dialogue that I did not use exclaimation points. I did not panic. I did not scream. I kept calm.
Other people in this situation would panic, scream and even cry. I didn't feel the need to do any of that.
However, if I had a woman in my life, and kids of my own, I probably wouldn't be as patient as I was that night. You live your life for them, and the thought of them living without you is the most dreadful thing you can think of.
It took me a little while to figure out why Bill was more emotional than I was during our phone conversation. He is married with three boys. I am single and never dated.
I can't wait for that day when I find true love. After that, I'll need to equip myself with that level of concern if I were to run into another ditch.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Holding The Fort Down
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.12.50
Current Song - Street Life (Herb Albert)
I look at myself as the unofficial historian of the Sterling High School Class of 2005. After all, local history and history that is closest to me was my forte. However, I have not been involved with the administration process of our reunions (yet).
All these years being an "outsider" of sorts within our Class has pretty much led to this "role" I have. Over the years I have been that center of the wheel which connects the many backgrounds that make up our Class. I could relate to most, if not all. Therefore, I tend to keep more tabs on more people.
As the historian of sorts, I can take the makeup of our class and relate that to the history of our surroundings. When we were in middle school, the bottom dropped out when it came to Sterling's manufacturing presence. Northwestern Steel and Wire closed, and things went south from there. All of a sudden, the surroundings didn't appeal to us once we were able to drive to other places.
Right around this time came the rise of the phrase, "There is nothing to do in Sterling."
Those that had the opportunity and resources to take the first train out of Sterling after receiving diplomas did just that. Some even took their families with them.
Half of our Class left. Half of our Class stayed. I was one that stayed. And by "stayed," I mean not going away to college for four years. I completed the college education that has suited me so far by commuting to both Sauk and Highland. I have lived in Sterling since 1997. I have lived in either Sterling or Rock Falls in all of my 27 years on this Earth. I have no plans to leave at this moment; even after moving into a house just a few blocks from my parents' less than a year ago. It doesn't make me any better or any less of a person.
We had our 5-Year Reunion in 2010 at Moonlight Bay. About 25% of our graduating class showed up. I have nothing to compare it to since that is our first get-together, so I can't determine if the rate is good or bad. But it is not 100% or 50%. Should it be? I don't know.
There are many reasons as to why 75% of our graduating class was not able to attend. Much of that due to work and children commitments, and conflicts with travel.
I ran into one of our classmates not too long ago that didn't even know we had our 5-Year. Seven years after graduation, he asked me if we had such a thing. I told him that we did, and that we probably didn't know how to inform him of it. He had lived in Texas for some time, and that's probably why.
It was nice of him to think of me when inquiring about class reunions, as he thought I knew quite a bit about everyone.
I told him about that night: about how 25% showed up, everybody was conversing with the same people in high school, and two classmates that talked to no one but each other.
"That's all?"
I didn't take that as a slight toward Tricia and Jenna, who organized the whole thing. I took his response as proof of the evolution of class reunions by way of social media.
Social media started when we were in middle school. The first form of social media were the Expage guestbooks. As we had more access to the Internet, we all thought it was cool to create our own websites. Expage provided that opportunity and the guestbooks would be littered. Then ICQ came around. Then MSN Messenger. Then MySpace. Then Facebook. While Facebook seems to have withstood the test of internet time, subsquent sites such as Skype, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram are starting to take shape.
Facebook seems to be the thing that is actually working. It has allowed our Class to remain connected to each other, even when we are thousands of miles away. Thus, we still interact on Facebook with the same people that we interacted with in high school. We are all able to keep those tabs on each other, through pictures, chat, commenting on statuses, etc. Starting families can slow this interaction process, but I don't think it has slowed it down too much.
Even for those that never interacted with each other, the portals exist though just having a Facebook account.
Many people that look at social media in one hand and class reunions in another are often faced with the question of, "does social media eliminate the need for class reunions?"
I don't think so. We just need to refer to our own senses. Seeing someone is different than looking at a computer picture (and even Skype). Hearing someone talk is different than typing things into a chat box. Hugging someone cannot be done through a computer. "LOL" and "ROTFLMAO" are interepreted differently in person.
I may not have these interesting stories about myself to share, but I can certainly define my purpose in attending these reunions. I write a lot about my memory and memory retention, and thus preserving the surroundings, atmospheres, stories, etc. that shaped us into who we are today.
I'm the old grandpa. Gatekeeper of Memory Lane.
Current Song - Street Life (Herb Albert)
I look at myself as the unofficial historian of the Sterling High School Class of 2005. After all, local history and history that is closest to me was my forte. However, I have not been involved with the administration process of our reunions (yet).
All these years being an "outsider" of sorts within our Class has pretty much led to this "role" I have. Over the years I have been that center of the wheel which connects the many backgrounds that make up our Class. I could relate to most, if not all. Therefore, I tend to keep more tabs on more people.
As the historian of sorts, I can take the makeup of our class and relate that to the history of our surroundings. When we were in middle school, the bottom dropped out when it came to Sterling's manufacturing presence. Northwestern Steel and Wire closed, and things went south from there. All of a sudden, the surroundings didn't appeal to us once we were able to drive to other places.
Right around this time came the rise of the phrase, "There is nothing to do in Sterling."
Those that had the opportunity and resources to take the first train out of Sterling after receiving diplomas did just that. Some even took their families with them.
Half of our Class left. Half of our Class stayed. I was one that stayed. And by "stayed," I mean not going away to college for four years. I completed the college education that has suited me so far by commuting to both Sauk and Highland. I have lived in Sterling since 1997. I have lived in either Sterling or Rock Falls in all of my 27 years on this Earth. I have no plans to leave at this moment; even after moving into a house just a few blocks from my parents' less than a year ago. It doesn't make me any better or any less of a person.
We had our 5-Year Reunion in 2010 at Moonlight Bay. About 25% of our graduating class showed up. I have nothing to compare it to since that is our first get-together, so I can't determine if the rate is good or bad. But it is not 100% or 50%. Should it be? I don't know.
There are many reasons as to why 75% of our graduating class was not able to attend. Much of that due to work and children commitments, and conflicts with travel.
I ran into one of our classmates not too long ago that didn't even know we had our 5-Year. Seven years after graduation, he asked me if we had such a thing. I told him that we did, and that we probably didn't know how to inform him of it. He had lived in Texas for some time, and that's probably why.
It was nice of him to think of me when inquiring about class reunions, as he thought I knew quite a bit about everyone.
I told him about that night: about how 25% showed up, everybody was conversing with the same people in high school, and two classmates that talked to no one but each other.
"That's all?"
I didn't take that as a slight toward Tricia and Jenna, who organized the whole thing. I took his response as proof of the evolution of class reunions by way of social media.
Social media started when we were in middle school. The first form of social media were the Expage guestbooks. As we had more access to the Internet, we all thought it was cool to create our own websites. Expage provided that opportunity and the guestbooks would be littered. Then ICQ came around. Then MSN Messenger. Then MySpace. Then Facebook. While Facebook seems to have withstood the test of internet time, subsquent sites such as Skype, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram are starting to take shape.
Facebook seems to be the thing that is actually working. It has allowed our Class to remain connected to each other, even when we are thousands of miles away. Thus, we still interact on Facebook with the same people that we interacted with in high school. We are all able to keep those tabs on each other, through pictures, chat, commenting on statuses, etc. Starting families can slow this interaction process, but I don't think it has slowed it down too much.
Even for those that never interacted with each other, the portals exist though just having a Facebook account.
Many people that look at social media in one hand and class reunions in another are often faced with the question of, "does social media eliminate the need for class reunions?"
I don't think so. We just need to refer to our own senses. Seeing someone is different than looking at a computer picture (and even Skype). Hearing someone talk is different than typing things into a chat box. Hugging someone cannot be done through a computer. "LOL" and "ROTFLMAO" are interepreted differently in person.
I may not have these interesting stories about myself to share, but I can certainly define my purpose in attending these reunions. I write a lot about my memory and memory retention, and thus preserving the surroundings, atmospheres, stories, etc. that shaped us into who we are today.
I'm the old grandpa. Gatekeeper of Memory Lane.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Tribute to Our Subs
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.20.50
Current Song - Final Countdown (Europe)
School isn't just a place to learn things. It is also a place to have fun. Perhaps the best moments of fun in the classroom is when a substitute teacher takes over for the day.
I've had many substitute teachers throughout the years. Some worth remembering, some that I have totally forgotten.
Fun with substitute teachers is perhaps best when the teacher writes down lesson plans for the class - for the sub to interpret - and the class says, "no, that's not how it's done." These kids are often the ones that speak the loudest in class, and are thus the most annoying.
Then there are those quiet class clowns, such as myself. I rarely ever spoke in class, so whenever I had to correct an unsuspecting sub, it was believeable. That went with having to create a fake storyline and hope the rest of the class would follow along. It was sort of the Bob Newhart way of getting things across.
Subs will often have that one feature that we notice that's different than the visual memory of our regular teacher. We will always take a stare at the person's wart or odd-shaped girth when they are around. Since substitute teachers are only supposed to be temporary, we don't often remember them after our school days have passed. The ones we do remember either were traditional float teachers, or those that said or did something that is still remembered to this day.
Subs either scared the crap out of us, or allowed for a fun day.
Here are some of the substitute teachers that I can recall from my school days:
Mrs. Eddinger: She was the primary substitute teacher during my days at Merrill. She had taught there for a long time, and this was a retirement thing for her. Her big saying was "I want no talking!" One day when we were lined up to enter the music room, the class exiting was one of her's. We were loud and I happened to see Mrs. Eddinger. She looked at us loud kids and I shouted across the line, "What does Mrs. Eddinger want?!?!" We also didn't know how to spell her name because she never wrote her name on the chalkboard like most subs do.
Mrs. Kane: Kane was another one of the subs at Merrill, and her longest stint was having to sub for Mrs. Sickler during her maternity leave when I was in fourth grade. We started the year with her. The only thing I remember about her was a weird number game she would have us do at the beginning of class (describing it would be a seperate Blog entry of its own).
Name Unknown: We had her for Mrs. Vanderlaan in third grade and looked like that kind of lady who lived with a bunch of cats. Apparently she had relatives from Lichtenstein - which was the first time we ever heard of any other country in Europe, and I seem to recall her one of her parents being born in "nineteen two." When? That was the first time we had heard the shortening of what we all called "nineteen oh two."
Mr. Baar: He was a high school sub that had a large bald spot with small strands of hair sticking out like a windmill farm. He drove a yellow Beetle.
Mr. Taylor: He was a large black guy with big bug eyes. Everyone thought he was real cool. He was later a security guard at NIU last I knew.
Mr. Dill: His specialty was language arts, so he subbed for our english teachers. He was a college professor for years and spoke in a way that we just weren't used to. That's all I'll say.
Mr. Riley: He didn't sub often, and I think I only had him twice: once for 7th grade math, and once for 8th grade science. During his second time, one of the boys had to go to the bathroom. He then said something about a rubberband. I'll stop there.
Mr. Turner: He is the son of Mr. Turner the gym teacher at Challand. The girls really liked him. Then he announced to our 8th grade science class he was subbing that he was taking a laboratory job in Indianapolis. That really disappointed the girls in the class, and he even had to raise his voice to reassure them that this was his career path.
Mrs. Mattheisen: She was tall, heavyset with gray hair and large glasses. She almost always wore linens. My biggest memory of her was in 6th grade when Keenan found a thumbtack and planted it on the teacher's chair. She was headed back to the teacher's desk, where Keenan had laid the tack, when he shouted for her to not sit down. She sat down. She did not flit, and just sat there staring at Keenan. Keenan's thumbtackery would continue with other subs that year.
Mr. Noble: He was a high school sub whom I first had for Mr. Brown in health. He had taught for many years at Oak Lawn Richards H.S.. Someone in the class stole the stapler off of the teacher's desk and he wouldn't dismiss the class until the stapler was found. Mr. Beswick had to be called in.
Mr. Dunphy: He was very easy to get along with, and was also a girls basketball coach at the high school.
Mr. Dillie: He later became a full-time teacher at SHS, and was known for his real raspy voice. He's at Moline now.
Mr. Fortney: Brother of the dean of students at Challand, he was a long-term fill-in for freshman study hall after Mrs. Neahring walked out mid-year. He was a tough guy but we always found our way around him.
Mr. Slothower: I only remember having him once for Spanish, an old retired teacher from Dixon I believe.
Mr. Hinders: We remember him as the never-aging 8th grade math teacher who finally retired some years after our year. I remember him subbing in my senior trig class and he had complete control over the subject matter and everything. The only sub I had that actually knew what he/she was doing.
Mrs. Hagen: Another sub that later became a full-time teacher at SHS. We had a lot of fun with her, but she was always in control of things.
Mr. Folsom: I forget how he is tied to the bakery in town.
Probably my best-remembered substitute teacher is a guy by the name of Mr. Lane.
I first had Lane in 6th grade. He was a fat redhead with acne and thick glasses, and I swear was developmentally not right (if it is Autism, I will then understand everything). Apparently Unit 5 gave him a chance. He had this real annoying high-pitched voice that would sometimes squeal even louder mid-sentence. Everyone who went to school with me at Sterling surely has a Mr. Lane moment, if they can remember the guy. He never once touched me, but I can recall him telling Dan Rodriguez to stand at the corner of the wall in 6th grade.
"Alright Mr. Lane, here I am. Standing at the corner."
"Noooooo. Put your nose UPPPPP to it." (I'm not sure which word was high-pitched)
"Really Mr. Lane? Really? So I have to put my nose up to it? ... Is this close enough?"
"Up to the wall."
"It is!"
Lane also subbed elementary school classes, so my brothers Mike and Chris had him. Likewise, both of them have Lane stories.
The substitute busters had a lot of fun with him. We were afraid of him. We were creeped out by him. And we didn't learn a thing from him. I heard he was banned from subbing for some reason.
If there are more subs, I can't remember them. Here's hoping I'll get help from some of my classmates.
Current Song - Final Countdown (Europe)
School isn't just a place to learn things. It is also a place to have fun. Perhaps the best moments of fun in the classroom is when a substitute teacher takes over for the day.
I've had many substitute teachers throughout the years. Some worth remembering, some that I have totally forgotten.
Fun with substitute teachers is perhaps best when the teacher writes down lesson plans for the class - for the sub to interpret - and the class says, "no, that's not how it's done." These kids are often the ones that speak the loudest in class, and are thus the most annoying.
Then there are those quiet class clowns, such as myself. I rarely ever spoke in class, so whenever I had to correct an unsuspecting sub, it was believeable. That went with having to create a fake storyline and hope the rest of the class would follow along. It was sort of the Bob Newhart way of getting things across.
Subs will often have that one feature that we notice that's different than the visual memory of our regular teacher. We will always take a stare at the person's wart or odd-shaped girth when they are around. Since substitute teachers are only supposed to be temporary, we don't often remember them after our school days have passed. The ones we do remember either were traditional float teachers, or those that said or did something that is still remembered to this day.
Subs either scared the crap out of us, or allowed for a fun day.
Here are some of the substitute teachers that I can recall from my school days:
Mrs. Eddinger: She was the primary substitute teacher during my days at Merrill. She had taught there for a long time, and this was a retirement thing for her. Her big saying was "I want no talking!" One day when we were lined up to enter the music room, the class exiting was one of her's. We were loud and I happened to see Mrs. Eddinger. She looked at us loud kids and I shouted across the line, "What does Mrs. Eddinger want?!?!" We also didn't know how to spell her name because she never wrote her name on the chalkboard like most subs do.
Mrs. Kane: Kane was another one of the subs at Merrill, and her longest stint was having to sub for Mrs. Sickler during her maternity leave when I was in fourth grade. We started the year with her. The only thing I remember about her was a weird number game she would have us do at the beginning of class (describing it would be a seperate Blog entry of its own).
Name Unknown: We had her for Mrs. Vanderlaan in third grade and looked like that kind of lady who lived with a bunch of cats. Apparently she had relatives from Lichtenstein - which was the first time we ever heard of any other country in Europe, and I seem to recall her one of her parents being born in "nineteen two." When? That was the first time we had heard the shortening of what we all called "nineteen oh two."
Mr. Baar: He was a high school sub that had a large bald spot with small strands of hair sticking out like a windmill farm. He drove a yellow Beetle.
Mr. Taylor: He was a large black guy with big bug eyes. Everyone thought he was real cool. He was later a security guard at NIU last I knew.
Mr. Dill: His specialty was language arts, so he subbed for our english teachers. He was a college professor for years and spoke in a way that we just weren't used to. That's all I'll say.
Mr. Riley: He didn't sub often, and I think I only had him twice: once for 7th grade math, and once for 8th grade science. During his second time, one of the boys had to go to the bathroom. He then said something about a rubberband. I'll stop there.
Mr. Turner: He is the son of Mr. Turner the gym teacher at Challand. The girls really liked him. Then he announced to our 8th grade science class he was subbing that he was taking a laboratory job in Indianapolis. That really disappointed the girls in the class, and he even had to raise his voice to reassure them that this was his career path.
Mrs. Mattheisen: She was tall, heavyset with gray hair and large glasses. She almost always wore linens. My biggest memory of her was in 6th grade when Keenan found a thumbtack and planted it on the teacher's chair. She was headed back to the teacher's desk, where Keenan had laid the tack, when he shouted for her to not sit down. She sat down. She did not flit, and just sat there staring at Keenan. Keenan's thumbtackery would continue with other subs that year.
Mr. Noble: He was a high school sub whom I first had for Mr. Brown in health. He had taught for many years at Oak Lawn Richards H.S.. Someone in the class stole the stapler off of the teacher's desk and he wouldn't dismiss the class until the stapler was found. Mr. Beswick had to be called in.
Mr. Dunphy: He was very easy to get along with, and was also a girls basketball coach at the high school.
Mr. Dillie: He later became a full-time teacher at SHS, and was known for his real raspy voice. He's at Moline now.
Mr. Fortney: Brother of the dean of students at Challand, he was a long-term fill-in for freshman study hall after Mrs. Neahring walked out mid-year. He was a tough guy but we always found our way around him.
Mr. Slothower: I only remember having him once for Spanish, an old retired teacher from Dixon I believe.
Mr. Hinders: We remember him as the never-aging 8th grade math teacher who finally retired some years after our year. I remember him subbing in my senior trig class and he had complete control over the subject matter and everything. The only sub I had that actually knew what he/she was doing.
Mrs. Hagen: Another sub that later became a full-time teacher at SHS. We had a lot of fun with her, but she was always in control of things.
Mr. Folsom: I forget how he is tied to the bakery in town.
Probably my best-remembered substitute teacher is a guy by the name of Mr. Lane.
I first had Lane in 6th grade. He was a fat redhead with acne and thick glasses, and I swear was developmentally not right (if it is Autism, I will then understand everything). Apparently Unit 5 gave him a chance. He had this real annoying high-pitched voice that would sometimes squeal even louder mid-sentence. Everyone who went to school with me at Sterling surely has a Mr. Lane moment, if they can remember the guy. He never once touched me, but I can recall him telling Dan Rodriguez to stand at the corner of the wall in 6th grade.
"Alright Mr. Lane, here I am. Standing at the corner."
"Noooooo. Put your nose UPPPPP to it." (I'm not sure which word was high-pitched)
"Really Mr. Lane? Really? So I have to put my nose up to it? ... Is this close enough?"
"Up to the wall."
"It is!"
Lane also subbed elementary school classes, so my brothers Mike and Chris had him. Likewise, both of them have Lane stories.
The substitute busters had a lot of fun with him. We were afraid of him. We were creeped out by him. And we didn't learn a thing from him. I heard he was banned from subbing for some reason.
If there are more subs, I can't remember them. Here's hoping I'll get help from some of my classmates.
Friday, May 17, 2013
It Just Won't Quit
A lot of people know me. Thus, I've been around a lot of girls over the years. Out of those girls are some that I loved. And through the years, I've had to let go of these such girls, one by one.
Some let go on my own. Some yanked from me. There was one girl that was yanked from me, and I couldn't get over it for years (spot the pun in this one). That's the second-best girl in my life. But there lies one more. She is the love that I can never seem to let go of.
Today is her birthday.
May 17 is a day that means a lot to me. It was the day I moved from Rock Falls to Sterling, a day that still bothers me to this very moment. If that is the dark shadow of what May 17 means to me, the bright light of this day is the fact that it is the birthday of this girl, whom I consider to be a very important person in my life.
Amber.
Throughout this Blog, I have scattered around various moments of us. But not in actual order. So here goes.
***
I was lost in new surroundings some 16 years ago. I didn't know anybody, and the summer and the first two months of 5th grade were very depressing as I struggled to find new friends and acquaintnces.
I don't remember how it ALL began, but the vague memory of me sitting up along a shaded pine tree next to the playground comes to mind. Her and her friends would come up and check on me. She was always the first person to walk toward me in her group and talk. And she smiled more than anyone else. She was always playing with my mind in a way that made me think about her quite a bit. I really liked that.
Her presence pulled me back into reality and made me want to continue on. I will never know if this was an act of God, or on purpose. I just couldn't get my mind off of it, then came that funny feeling of "I think I love her." Throughout the school year, her and I connected on occasion in ways that girls don't normally treat boys.
I still remember the day she laid her head on my shoulder in the library. Her, and two more girls. But it was her's that I leaned on the most. I was reading a Charlie Brown comic collection book, and she was to my right reading along with me. Kind of like an informal flirt, and I never felt that before.
That's when I learned of the boy she actually liked. All of a sudden she took her head off my shoulder and told me she didn't like me anymore. The other two told me about this other boy. Was I depressed? A little. But all of that seemed to go away when she would continue picking on me - in a cute way - as the months went on.
All of a sudden everyone in the class knew – even our teacher knew – that I had a crush on her. But there was some sort of feeling that told me, “she hates me.”
Throughout fifth grade, she would in one way or another find a way to make me smile and make my day a bright one.
Music class was early in our school day. There were a couple of moments that seemed to set the tone for the rest of the day, I hoped. One day we all laid down on the carpeted floor to watch an old music film, and she went over to where I was laying and laid down next to me. Needless to say, I don't remember the film.
However, the other moment involved The Music Man. There's this musical number involving Marian the Librarian, and a song is sung with the emphasis on the "... IAN!" Every time after the first in which it was done, she would give me an elbow. Then she wouldn't. Then she would. It was catch me off-guard, and I went along with the act by doing a surprise jolt when she elbowed me. These jolts would make her laugh.
I still remember Valentine's Day; with the envelope marked "xoxoxo" and the red hearts on the envelope all circled - and the card of Eeyore and Piglet cheek-to-cheek with her name above Piglet, and mine above Eeyore. I couldn't believe it, as this was unlike any valentine I had seen before. In fact, I couldn't believe it so much, that I had to ask Adam (who was sitting next to me) if her valentine to him had the same thing on it. Not too long after that, she walked over to my desk and asked me, "Will you be my valentine?"
I didn't let go of that valentine card the rest of the day. My parents noticed that. When I went to bed that night, my mom walked in and wanted to know all about this valentine. I showed her everything and sort of explained the whole thing.
In just a few short months, I went from depressed to experiencing a feeling that was very different. I couldn't quite understand all of it, and I felt like writing all about it. I asked my parents for a journal for my 12th Birthday. I got it, alright. It was a Coca-Cola journal with a polar bear on the front of it.
I wrote about everything and anything.
Here are actual specifics, only mentioning the parts about her:
April 28: "The girls sung happy birthday to me. Then I told Dusty that what I wanted for a present was one of the the girls. After science, Amber wanted to help pass out the treats, and so, I picked her."
I didn't write every detail, but what I remember most about that day was her eagerness to have me pick her to help me pass out birthday treats. She had her hand held very high and waving it, smiling and moaning to me at the same time.
April 29: "When I was going to the bathroom, there were Amber, Sierra and Sydni, they said that Amber loves me. After that at lunch, somebody was pinching me, I didn't know who? It was either Amber or Sydni."
April 30: "Amber told a girl secret to me. Then at music, Amber wanted me to sit by her and have some kisses. I sat by her, but we didn't have kisses."
May 2: "After I put the garbage away [after helping out with the bike rodeo] I went to Amber's locker, and took her sucker out and ate it."
May 4: "I was worried about what would happen to me and my hair [I had it cut the day earlier]. Amber said I looked like a girl. Then when I sat down to watch the Music Man, to my surprise, Amber was sitting next to me. When I was walking to recess, I went into my classroom, sang the "Tarzan Yell", and there came Amber. I shut the door quickly, then all the girls went up to the door, and I sung "Old MacDonald." They thought I was Adam, but I opened the door. Then Sierra pushed Amber into the closet where I was and shut the door. We spend 10 sec. in there. At the end of the day, I was getting my things when I had my shoulder up, and Amber, again said a quote from the video. "Maaaaarrrr-ION" and at "ION," she pounded my wlbow. That tells me she in love with me."
We didn't do anything during those 10 seconds in the closet. We didn't. Really.
May 5: "Amber went up to me and wanted me to talk to her in private. She said something to me and poked my stomach and did the Pilsbury doh boy to me. ... I found a pair of ear rings that I could give to Amber. I would put them in her desk."
I gained some weight during this otherwise depressing time in my life, which has led to the weight problem I have now. All I remember about the ear rings are that they had a greenish rock in the middle of them.
May 6: "I got caught with the ear rings at 12:30 AM. But I took them to school again. ... I was singing and Jake Munz and Luis Baca pushed me over to the girls and they did the Pilsbury dough boy thing to me again. We went inside and Amber found those earrings. Nobody claimed them but I know it's me. After school she wanted to know (Amber) if I was still her boyfriend."
The whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing I don't think is actually true, since the both of us never recognized it at the same time and to each other. When Amber found the ear rings I remember her saying very loudly and in shock, "EAR RINGS!" I think five minutes of class time was devoted to trying to figure out who gave her these. Of course all of the fingers were pointing to me and I had to have found a way to convince everyone otherwise.
May 7: "Does Amber love me? That's the big question. When I was sitting at music, she always looked at me all the time. ... At SSR [silent sustained reading], I stapled my Time Magazine [those little handout versions for kids]. When we read them, I was looking towards Amber, then I saw her smiling. I would turn around, and she would do it again. It happened 20 times. On one of them, she was making kissing sounds. I have a field trip tomorrow, and I'm hoping that Amber sits next to me on the bus."
I sat toward the front of the class and to the left. She sat toward the back of the class and to the right. So it was easy to see her. Then again, her smiles were easy for our teacher to spot, too.
All this time, I was trying to find myself in these new surroundings and I was struggling mightily. However, when I was down I kept thinking about her. I noticed that for some reason she would treat me differently than the other boys in the class. I couldn't quite figure that out.
May 8: "The day of the field trip. No, Amber didn't sit next to me, but on the way there I was sitting next to Brian [Spangler, her cousin], humming some songs; Light My Fire and Love Me Do, and Brian told Amber (who was sitting 2 seats away from me) that I want to sing songs about her. ... That attracted her. She kept on smiling to me. ... She smiled to me again, and want to sing that song to her again, over & over again."
The field trip was to Galena. The song in the story is "Light My Fire" by The Doors. She thought I came up with the words (and not Jim Morrison). When she wanted me to "sing that song over and over again," we were inside a room at the Grant home.
May 9: "My mom found a knee-bracelet that I could give to Amber, I think it would go with the I Love You note I writed yesterday."
I have no recollection of this particular I Love You note.
May 11: "Sitting in music assigned seats was ... Well, I thought I would go under major back surgery when I got slapped in the back 10 times by Amber. Amber sits next to me in the seating order in music. When we were watching a movie, Stacie sat on the floor next to me, then Sarah H, and then Amber. I passed 2 notes. One was "my chair is stiff" & "Light My Fire." Eventually the whole class read it. Since I made "Light My Fire," Amber made "La Bamba" and wanted to dance."
I think I didn't write these notes, but someone else did ...
May 12: "Amber only smiled once to me. Bad day."
(I wrote a couple of days back about May 14. That was the day Amber (and Sierra, too) kissed me on the cheek.)
May 20: "Me and my girlfriend, Amber, was in a group with me. We were doing things with gears [in science (???) class], the gear went loose, hit my leg and I said "someone call 911 I'm hurt!" She cracked up. I was going to pay my money [at lunch] when Amber, who was behind me, kept on pushing me for fun, then, when I went to get the app. Sause my milk went out of the plate. She cracked up."
Again, we weren't really BF/GF. Both of us will tell you that. Amber probably more louder than me.
May 22: "Amber now calls me 'her man.'"
May 27: "Ambers student of the week. Afraid. Tention kicks back. but this time during the summer, you see, I won't get to see people that often. Amber, Sarah, Adam, and a whole lot of other people."
The journal ceased over the summer.
During the Summer of 1998 I was allowed to ride my bike into Rock Falls, as my parents didn't allow me to do that until then. That's when I met up with some of my classmates from Merrill, as well as the softball girls that I've known for years.
Middle school drifted Amber and I apart. I met more girls. She met more boys. All I can remember about the two of us in middle school is that I wrote a couple of notes to her and slipped them in her locker. I don't remember the first. I do remember the second. I was very depressed and wrote to her in the tone of "I can't live without you" or something like that. Apparently she gave the note to her teacher, to give to the school counselor. I had an hour-long chat with the counselor over this, and my parents knew.
Another memory involved putting my arm around her shoulders after one of the school dances and telling her goodbye.
I'm very glad I have kept this journal. It had been buried in a box for years. The next time I'd keep a journal would be the start of this Blog (the 1st version) in 2005.
I hoped that one day I could win her love. I never did. Middle school passed. High school passed. More and more girls came into my life. But these girls have all since come and gone. For many years, she was the only link that I have held on to.
Perhaps that's because I find myself moving on with my life, living alone in my new house. When the thought of significant others comes into mind, she is the first that comes up. As the years have passed, I have appreciated these moments more and more. We've had little contact since graduating high school. But every time I see her it makes my day.
Do I have a chance to win her heart today? I think time has eliminated that possibility. I accepted that fact long ago, even though no one I know compares to her. I still love her very much, but not in the same way as I did back then. You can call this collection of memories a cheesy way of reconnecting, but that's not the purpose of all this - it's to honor her on her birthday.
One day, when I was thinking about all of those memories, I penned a letter on my computer and sent it to her via Facebook. I was hoping for either closure or something to pull us together. I heard back a couple of months later. She didn't know how to take it all in, and appreciated everything. I've never had the courage to say this, but she truly does mean the world to me.
I wouldn't be who I am without her. If it wasn't for her kindness and her thrill for teasing me, I think I'd be sitting along that pine tree all year long. Getting worse in middle school, and probably a complete 180 of who I am now. She is the closest to a girlfriend I have ever had, despite indeed having one brief moment of that feeling as a freshman.
As you can read, I've been beaten, picked on, elbowed, and even poked. But after all of these came a smile.
Amber carried me through a very tough time in my life. This is a testament to the kind of person she is. I could have been thrown to the wayside like Josh and Ryan - the other two new kids in our class that year. But she had a soft side for me that was not shown to anyone else that year. That made me feel very happy inside, and I can't thank her enough.
Some let go on my own. Some yanked from me. There was one girl that was yanked from me, and I couldn't get over it for years (spot the pun in this one). That's the second-best girl in my life. But there lies one more. She is the love that I can never seem to let go of.
Today is her birthday.
May 17 is a day that means a lot to me. It was the day I moved from Rock Falls to Sterling, a day that still bothers me to this very moment. If that is the dark shadow of what May 17 means to me, the bright light of this day is the fact that it is the birthday of this girl, whom I consider to be a very important person in my life.
Amber.
Throughout this Blog, I have scattered around various moments of us. But not in actual order. So here goes.
***
I was lost in new surroundings some 16 years ago. I didn't know anybody, and the summer and the first two months of 5th grade were very depressing as I struggled to find new friends and acquaintnces.
I don't remember how it ALL began, but the vague memory of me sitting up along a shaded pine tree next to the playground comes to mind. Her and her friends would come up and check on me. She was always the first person to walk toward me in her group and talk. And she smiled more than anyone else. She was always playing with my mind in a way that made me think about her quite a bit. I really liked that.
Her presence pulled me back into reality and made me want to continue on. I will never know if this was an act of God, or on purpose. I just couldn't get my mind off of it, then came that funny feeling of "I think I love her." Throughout the school year, her and I connected on occasion in ways that girls don't normally treat boys.
I still remember the day she laid her head on my shoulder in the library. Her, and two more girls. But it was her's that I leaned on the most. I was reading a Charlie Brown comic collection book, and she was to my right reading along with me. Kind of like an informal flirt, and I never felt that before.
That's when I learned of the boy she actually liked. All of a sudden she took her head off my shoulder and told me she didn't like me anymore. The other two told me about this other boy. Was I depressed? A little. But all of that seemed to go away when she would continue picking on me - in a cute way - as the months went on.
All of a sudden everyone in the class knew – even our teacher knew – that I had a crush on her. But there was some sort of feeling that told me, “she hates me.”
Throughout fifth grade, she would in one way or another find a way to make me smile and make my day a bright one.
Music class was early in our school day. There were a couple of moments that seemed to set the tone for the rest of the day, I hoped. One day we all laid down on the carpeted floor to watch an old music film, and she went over to where I was laying and laid down next to me. Needless to say, I don't remember the film.
However, the other moment involved The Music Man. There's this musical number involving Marian the Librarian, and a song is sung with the emphasis on the "... IAN!" Every time after the first in which it was done, she would give me an elbow. Then she wouldn't. Then she would. It was catch me off-guard, and I went along with the act by doing a surprise jolt when she elbowed me. These jolts would make her laugh.
I still remember Valentine's Day; with the envelope marked "xoxoxo" and the red hearts on the envelope all circled - and the card of Eeyore and Piglet cheek-to-cheek with her name above Piglet, and mine above Eeyore. I couldn't believe it, as this was unlike any valentine I had seen before. In fact, I couldn't believe it so much, that I had to ask Adam (who was sitting next to me) if her valentine to him had the same thing on it. Not too long after that, she walked over to my desk and asked me, "Will you be my valentine?"
I didn't let go of that valentine card the rest of the day. My parents noticed that. When I went to bed that night, my mom walked in and wanted to know all about this valentine. I showed her everything and sort of explained the whole thing.
In just a few short months, I went from depressed to experiencing a feeling that was very different. I couldn't quite understand all of it, and I felt like writing all about it. I asked my parents for a journal for my 12th Birthday. I got it, alright. It was a Coca-Cola journal with a polar bear on the front of it.
I wrote about everything and anything.
Here are actual specifics, only mentioning the parts about her:
April 28: "The girls sung happy birthday to me. Then I told Dusty that what I wanted for a present was one of the the girls. After science, Amber wanted to help pass out the treats, and so, I picked her."
I didn't write every detail, but what I remember most about that day was her eagerness to have me pick her to help me pass out birthday treats. She had her hand held very high and waving it, smiling and moaning to me at the same time.
April 29: "When I was going to the bathroom, there were Amber, Sierra and Sydni, they said that Amber loves me. After that at lunch, somebody was pinching me, I didn't know who? It was either Amber or Sydni."
April 30: "Amber told a girl secret to me. Then at music, Amber wanted me to sit by her and have some kisses. I sat by her, but we didn't have kisses."
May 2: "After I put the garbage away [after helping out with the bike rodeo] I went to Amber's locker, and took her sucker out and ate it."
May 4: "I was worried about what would happen to me and my hair [I had it cut the day earlier]. Amber said I looked like a girl. Then when I sat down to watch the Music Man, to my surprise, Amber was sitting next to me. When I was walking to recess, I went into my classroom, sang the "Tarzan Yell", and there came Amber. I shut the door quickly, then all the girls went up to the door, and I sung "Old MacDonald." They thought I was Adam, but I opened the door. Then Sierra pushed Amber into the closet where I was and shut the door. We spend 10 sec. in there. At the end of the day, I was getting my things when I had my shoulder up, and Amber, again said a quote from the video. "Maaaaarrrr-ION" and at "ION," she pounded my wlbow. That tells me she in love with me."
We didn't do anything during those 10 seconds in the closet. We didn't. Really.
May 5: "Amber went up to me and wanted me to talk to her in private. She said something to me and poked my stomach and did the Pilsbury doh boy to me. ... I found a pair of ear rings that I could give to Amber. I would put them in her desk."
I gained some weight during this otherwise depressing time in my life, which has led to the weight problem I have now. All I remember about the ear rings are that they had a greenish rock in the middle of them.
May 6: "I got caught with the ear rings at 12:30 AM. But I took them to school again. ... I was singing and Jake Munz and Luis Baca pushed me over to the girls and they did the Pilsbury dough boy thing to me again. We went inside and Amber found those earrings. Nobody claimed them but I know it's me. After school she wanted to know (Amber) if I was still her boyfriend."
The whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing I don't think is actually true, since the both of us never recognized it at the same time and to each other. When Amber found the ear rings I remember her saying very loudly and in shock, "EAR RINGS!" I think five minutes of class time was devoted to trying to figure out who gave her these. Of course all of the fingers were pointing to me and I had to have found a way to convince everyone otherwise.
May 7: "Does Amber love me? That's the big question. When I was sitting at music, she always looked at me all the time. ... At SSR [silent sustained reading], I stapled my Time Magazine [those little handout versions for kids]. When we read them, I was looking towards Amber, then I saw her smiling. I would turn around, and she would do it again. It happened 20 times. On one of them, she was making kissing sounds. I have a field trip tomorrow, and I'm hoping that Amber sits next to me on the bus."
I sat toward the front of the class and to the left. She sat toward the back of the class and to the right. So it was easy to see her. Then again, her smiles were easy for our teacher to spot, too.
All this time, I was trying to find myself in these new surroundings and I was struggling mightily. However, when I was down I kept thinking about her. I noticed that for some reason she would treat me differently than the other boys in the class. I couldn't quite figure that out.
May 8: "The day of the field trip. No, Amber didn't sit next to me, but on the way there I was sitting next to Brian [Spangler, her cousin], humming some songs; Light My Fire and Love Me Do, and Brian told Amber (who was sitting 2 seats away from me) that I want to sing songs about her. ... That attracted her. She kept on smiling to me. ... She smiled to me again, and want to sing that song to her again, over & over again."
The field trip was to Galena. The song in the story is "Light My Fire" by The Doors. She thought I came up with the words (and not Jim Morrison). When she wanted me to "sing that song over and over again," we were inside a room at the Grant home.
May 9: "My mom found a knee-bracelet that I could give to Amber, I think it would go with the I Love You note I writed yesterday."
I have no recollection of this particular I Love You note.
May 11: "Sitting in music assigned seats was ... Well, I thought I would go under major back surgery when I got slapped in the back 10 times by Amber. Amber sits next to me in the seating order in music. When we were watching a movie, Stacie sat on the floor next to me, then Sarah H, and then Amber. I passed 2 notes. One was "my chair is stiff" & "Light My Fire." Eventually the whole class read it. Since I made "Light My Fire," Amber made "La Bamba" and wanted to dance."
I think I didn't write these notes, but someone else did ...
May 12: "Amber only smiled once to me. Bad day."
(I wrote a couple of days back about May 14. That was the day Amber (and Sierra, too) kissed me on the cheek.)
May 20: "Me and my girlfriend, Amber, was in a group with me. We were doing things with gears [in science (???) class], the gear went loose, hit my leg and I said "someone call 911 I'm hurt!" She cracked up. I was going to pay my money [at lunch] when Amber, who was behind me, kept on pushing me for fun, then, when I went to get the app. Sause my milk went out of the plate. She cracked up."
Again, we weren't really BF/GF. Both of us will tell you that. Amber probably more louder than me.
May 22: "Amber now calls me 'her man.'"
May 27: "Ambers student of the week. Afraid. Tention kicks back. but this time during the summer, you see, I won't get to see people that often. Amber, Sarah, Adam, and a whole lot of other people."
The journal ceased over the summer.
During the Summer of 1998 I was allowed to ride my bike into Rock Falls, as my parents didn't allow me to do that until then. That's when I met up with some of my classmates from Merrill, as well as the softball girls that I've known for years.
Middle school drifted Amber and I apart. I met more girls. She met more boys. All I can remember about the two of us in middle school is that I wrote a couple of notes to her and slipped them in her locker. I don't remember the first. I do remember the second. I was very depressed and wrote to her in the tone of "I can't live without you" or something like that. Apparently she gave the note to her teacher, to give to the school counselor. I had an hour-long chat with the counselor over this, and my parents knew.
Another memory involved putting my arm around her shoulders after one of the school dances and telling her goodbye.
I'm very glad I have kept this journal. It had been buried in a box for years. The next time I'd keep a journal would be the start of this Blog (the 1st version) in 2005.
I hoped that one day I could win her love. I never did. Middle school passed. High school passed. More and more girls came into my life. But these girls have all since come and gone. For many years, she was the only link that I have held on to.
Perhaps that's because I find myself moving on with my life, living alone in my new house. When the thought of significant others comes into mind, she is the first that comes up. As the years have passed, I have appreciated these moments more and more. We've had little contact since graduating high school. But every time I see her it makes my day.
Do I have a chance to win her heart today? I think time has eliminated that possibility. I accepted that fact long ago, even though no one I know compares to her. I still love her very much, but not in the same way as I did back then. You can call this collection of memories a cheesy way of reconnecting, but that's not the purpose of all this - it's to honor her on her birthday.
One day, when I was thinking about all of those memories, I penned a letter on my computer and sent it to her via Facebook. I was hoping for either closure or something to pull us together. I heard back a couple of months later. She didn't know how to take it all in, and appreciated everything. I've never had the courage to say this, but she truly does mean the world to me.
I wouldn't be who I am without her. If it wasn't for her kindness and her thrill for teasing me, I think I'd be sitting along that pine tree all year long. Getting worse in middle school, and probably a complete 180 of who I am now. She is the closest to a girlfriend I have ever had, despite indeed having one brief moment of that feeling as a freshman.
As you can read, I've been beaten, picked on, elbowed, and even poked. But after all of these came a smile.
Amber carried me through a very tough time in my life. This is a testament to the kind of person she is. I could have been thrown to the wayside like Josh and Ryan - the other two new kids in our class that year. But she had a soft side for me that was not shown to anyone else that year. That made me feel very happy inside, and I can't thank her enough.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Pecks on the Cheek
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.41.50
Current Song - Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel)
I don't have a lot of 5th grade stories. Probably because that was a dark time in my life.
Having to get used to this new environment at Lincoln from Merrill was difficult, but I eventually got out of the pits of hell and plowed along.
I have Amber to thank for that.
There were many things I liked about her, and early on she would know about this. She actually liked someone else at that time, and could have totally dismissed me. She didn't do that, and I saw that as something special.
From the time we held our arms around each other's shoulders while reading in the library, to that day she kept smiling at me - all day long - these were the little things that would make my otherwise difficult time a great one.
Just out of luck, and I can't remember why, I had started to write some of these events down in a notebook in journal form (a precursor to this Blog). Taking a page out of the book of Nickelodeon's "Doug" I wrote in a journal. I still have it after all these years.
The entry for May 14, 1998, in my poor 5th grade handwriting:
"I will never forget this day! I will never forget this day! My dream came true! (twice) Everybody knows I'm weird, but this is the weirdest (not really) day of my life, my greatest! It all started when I read the phone book at the carpet. I was sitting on the pillow when I put the pillow over my head, somebody, (I found out it was Natasha) wrote "HOT!" on my knee. I went to the table. Me, Natasha, & Sierra smiled back and fourth. I went to the B-room, and sat there. Sierra & Natasha knew I went to the B-room. They gave me a note.
'Cody, Your're so hot, I love you to death. Your strong muscales make my eyeballs pop out. Will you go out with me? Do youn love me? Answer now. I love you four (4) life. Love your lover, Natasha & Sierra.'
Stacie also gave me a note, but I threw it away, I was sitting at the floor when ... Sierra went in the B-room, held my face and kissed me!! I told other boys all about it. I went out, and then ... Amber held on to my shoulder and kissed me!! Sarah H. said hello to me. At lunch, I sat near the girls. After school, Amber wanted to know my address. I gave it to Brian to tell to her. At B-ball pract. A.J., our star player was injured due to a twisted ankle.
Other notes that were passed [arrow leads to next page] 'Write down who you like' & 'I love you, Amber does too.' Amber wanted to know it she wanted to see me at night. We didn't."
I wrote a lot in code back then. "B-room" meant the restroom. It was a sanctuary where only boys could enter, and girls could not. The whole "carpet" and "table" thing was part of a language arts routine, where we all read books in silent at the carpet, and we had a small group lesson at the table. I did goofy things like that to create fun.
I remember a little more about these two kisses than what I wrote down that day. As I mentioned, the boys restroom was a place where only boys could enter. There were short walls on two sides of the entrance door, where I sat down at. Then Sierra comes in and I'm in shock that a girl would actually enter the boys restroom. I don't remember much about that other than the kiss. Then when I do leave, Amber said a few words to me (I can't remember what) before she kissed me.
Since this all happened before lunch, I'm think this was one big, out-of-control restroom break where one person went to the restroom and then another and then another.
The whole Cody-Amber thing continued on with the field trip to Galena, where I sung a song for her. It was "Light my Fire" by the Doors (actually the first verse). She actually thought I wrote the song. After that, middle school kicked in and things sort of dissolved from there. We met more people and the rest is history.
All of which was documented in my Coca-Cola designed journal. It seemed to have every little interaction with her in it. One of which involved whether we were boyfriend-girlfriend. It may have been a little joke, but one entry contained the phrase "my girlfriend Amber," which I think was just me dreaming than being truthful.
She was the light that shined upon me in 5th grade, and without it I don't know where I'd be today. For that I'll always love her, even though we rarely see each other.
Current Song - Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel)
I don't have a lot of 5th grade stories. Probably because that was a dark time in my life.
Having to get used to this new environment at Lincoln from Merrill was difficult, but I eventually got out of the pits of hell and plowed along.
I have Amber to thank for that.
There were many things I liked about her, and early on she would know about this. She actually liked someone else at that time, and could have totally dismissed me. She didn't do that, and I saw that as something special.
From the time we held our arms around each other's shoulders while reading in the library, to that day she kept smiling at me - all day long - these were the little things that would make my otherwise difficult time a great one.
Just out of luck, and I can't remember why, I had started to write some of these events down in a notebook in journal form (a precursor to this Blog). Taking a page out of the book of Nickelodeon's "Doug" I wrote in a journal. I still have it after all these years.
The entry for May 14, 1998, in my poor 5th grade handwriting:
"I will never forget this day! I will never forget this day! My dream came true! (twice) Everybody knows I'm weird, but this is the weirdest (not really) day of my life, my greatest! It all started when I read the phone book at the carpet. I was sitting on the pillow when I put the pillow over my head, somebody, (I found out it was Natasha) wrote "HOT!" on my knee. I went to the table. Me, Natasha, & Sierra smiled back and fourth. I went to the B-room, and sat there. Sierra & Natasha knew I went to the B-room. They gave me a note.
'Cody, Your're so hot, I love you to death. Your strong muscales make my eyeballs pop out. Will you go out with me? Do youn love me? Answer now. I love you four (4) life. Love your lover, Natasha & Sierra.'
Stacie also gave me a note, but I threw it away, I was sitting at the floor when ... Sierra went in the B-room, held my face and kissed me!! I told other boys all about it. I went out, and then ... Amber held on to my shoulder and kissed me!! Sarah H. said hello to me. At lunch, I sat near the girls. After school, Amber wanted to know my address. I gave it to Brian to tell to her. At B-ball pract. A.J., our star player was injured due to a twisted ankle.
Other notes that were passed [arrow leads to next page] 'Write down who you like' & 'I love you, Amber does too.' Amber wanted to know it she wanted to see me at night. We didn't."
I wrote a lot in code back then. "B-room" meant the restroom. It was a sanctuary where only boys could enter, and girls could not. The whole "carpet" and "table" thing was part of a language arts routine, where we all read books in silent at the carpet, and we had a small group lesson at the table. I did goofy things like that to create fun.
I remember a little more about these two kisses than what I wrote down that day. As I mentioned, the boys restroom was a place where only boys could enter. There were short walls on two sides of the entrance door, where I sat down at. Then Sierra comes in and I'm in shock that a girl would actually enter the boys restroom. I don't remember much about that other than the kiss. Then when I do leave, Amber said a few words to me (I can't remember what) before she kissed me.
Since this all happened before lunch, I'm think this was one big, out-of-control restroom break where one person went to the restroom and then another and then another.
The whole Cody-Amber thing continued on with the field trip to Galena, where I sung a song for her. It was "Light my Fire" by the Doors (actually the first verse). She actually thought I wrote the song. After that, middle school kicked in and things sort of dissolved from there. We met more people and the rest is history.
All of which was documented in my Coca-Cola designed journal. It seemed to have every little interaction with her in it. One of which involved whether we were boyfriend-girlfriend. It may have been a little joke, but one entry contained the phrase "my girlfriend Amber," which I think was just me dreaming than being truthful.
She was the light that shined upon me in 5th grade, and without it I don't know where I'd be today. For that I'll always love her, even though we rarely see each other.
Filling An Empty Heart --- Part II
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.31.50
Current Song - Nadia's Theme (Henry Mancini)
Went back to my bench last night. Talked to the Lord again.
I had a feeling that another realization was going to brew from the one I made already.
There have only been two times in my life so far in which I have experienced the Q&A. The first time was in seventh grade. That was, of course, met with a "no." I never quite took the time to analyze why that was the case. Back then, the only answer was "she doesn't like me." However, the older you get the more you can try to understand why it was the case.
While thinking of the failures of my one and only true relationship, it led me to think about the failure about this particular seventh grade opportunity.
When I thought of the buildup and the stepping stones toward making my one and only relationship official, this particular time in seventh grade lacked all of that. Looking back, it seemed to be one major jump after another without the time to really work on building, maintaining and strengthening a deeper friendship.
I went from saying,"Gee, I really like her," to "I think she's the one," to giving her roses at the Valentine's Day dance, to asking her out on the telephone.
I thought I was doing the right thing. Heck, I had NEVER seen any of my friends present roses at a school dance to someone before.
She just wasn't ready. I was going too fast.
Her and I knew each other in school, but never really hung out outside of school. She sat next to me in sixth grade, and I think that is when she kind of knew a little more about me. That, in turn, led to me knowing just a little more about her. But still, we never really saw each other outside of school. Now if that opportunity ever presented itself, you're darn right that I would have jumped at that opportunity. But it never happened.
This is where my disabilities factor in, as it is tough for me to engage in friendship strengthening.
Looking back at all of the middle school relationships that I knew about, both the boy and the girl seemed to know each other well, hung out with each other at recess, sat in the same area in the lunch room, went to each other's houses, etc. All of that BEFORE I saw them holding hands in the hallways.
It all makes sense now.
I was a quiet kid IN school, and a quiet kid OUT of school. It is difficult to remember the few times that I had out-of-school interactions with my classmates during middle school. Seriously. I reconnected with my best friend from Kindergarten, Seth, once we were at middle school together. There was that one day when I went to Sinississippi with Adam and Nick, but only because I felt sad one night at a school dance. There were those couple of times when I would ride my bike to North End Shell to grab a Pepsi for Michelle or Ashley. I had to beg to go to Corey and Nathan's Birthday party at Corey's, as it seemed like everyone was invited except for me.
I simply cannot remember any other interactions. Sad, isn't it? I was just way too shy.
It was considered rare to see me at a function outside of the school setting with a group of friends. The key word is with. When Newmanfest was at the Mall, I was there, but not with anyone.
Newmanfest ... that's the fair with the Zipper. You knew you could get something accomplished when you got to ride on the Zipper with someone - as it is a ride where two people (and NOT one) could ride. I tried to hatch a plan into riding on it with another girl, but that fell through. (The only time I ever rode on the Zipper was in grade school with my cousin Pammie).
That girl was from Rock Falls.
Friendships, you see, were actually easy for me to strengthen until I was about 12 years old. I'm beating a dead horse here but it was because of the move to Sterling. Therefore, I wanted to go back.
One thing led to another, and throughout middle school and high school, the people who I consider my greatest friends were those little league softball girls. And they still are.
The big misconception with having built a great rapport with these girls is that I dated them, hung out with them, went to their houses, etc. Actually, none of that ever happened. We really only huge out with each other at sports events. But when I look at the building process of a friendship, there is a lot I can determine from having been their friends all these years.
I think there was one girl that I may have come close to going the next step further in a friendship. I guess I just didn't know how to make that happen. Same girl I tried riding on the Zipper with. Not who most people think it is, either.
I did such a poor job socially. I didn't really have a true "best" friend that I could tell share my biggest thoughts and concerns with. Perhaps I wouldn't have this eight-year-old Blog if that would have happened, as I'm now just writing things in hopes that someone would read it. I did such a poor job socially, and it's biting me in the butt right now since we're all moving on.
I keep telling myself that if I would have just SAID SOMETHING back then, things would be much better today.
Perhaps I should work harder on trying to strengthen and maintain friendships before I can even think about these relationships.
I failed in that regard in seventh grade. I didn't know that "dates" come before "relationships." And these dates don't have to be that one grand, official event. Just a get-together apparently qualifies.
***
I thought of all of this while looking at more stars. There just happened to be a star formation that looked like a cross, and I stared at that while thinking this deep.
This is perhaps, just as big a challenge as dropping these pounds.
Current Song - Nadia's Theme (Henry Mancini)
Went back to my bench last night. Talked to the Lord again.
I had a feeling that another realization was going to brew from the one I made already.
There have only been two times in my life so far in which I have experienced the Q&A. The first time was in seventh grade. That was, of course, met with a "no." I never quite took the time to analyze why that was the case. Back then, the only answer was "she doesn't like me." However, the older you get the more you can try to understand why it was the case.
While thinking of the failures of my one and only true relationship, it led me to think about the failure about this particular seventh grade opportunity.
When I thought of the buildup and the stepping stones toward making my one and only relationship official, this particular time in seventh grade lacked all of that. Looking back, it seemed to be one major jump after another without the time to really work on building, maintaining and strengthening a deeper friendship.
I went from saying,"Gee, I really like her," to "I think she's the one," to giving her roses at the Valentine's Day dance, to asking her out on the telephone.
I thought I was doing the right thing. Heck, I had NEVER seen any of my friends present roses at a school dance to someone before.
She just wasn't ready. I was going too fast.
Her and I knew each other in school, but never really hung out outside of school. She sat next to me in sixth grade, and I think that is when she kind of knew a little more about me. That, in turn, led to me knowing just a little more about her. But still, we never really saw each other outside of school. Now if that opportunity ever presented itself, you're darn right that I would have jumped at that opportunity. But it never happened.
This is where my disabilities factor in, as it is tough for me to engage in friendship strengthening.
Looking back at all of the middle school relationships that I knew about, both the boy and the girl seemed to know each other well, hung out with each other at recess, sat in the same area in the lunch room, went to each other's houses, etc. All of that BEFORE I saw them holding hands in the hallways.
It all makes sense now.
I was a quiet kid IN school, and a quiet kid OUT of school. It is difficult to remember the few times that I had out-of-school interactions with my classmates during middle school. Seriously. I reconnected with my best friend from Kindergarten, Seth, once we were at middle school together. There was that one day when I went to Sinississippi with Adam and Nick, but only because I felt sad one night at a school dance. There were those couple of times when I would ride my bike to North End Shell to grab a Pepsi for Michelle or Ashley. I had to beg to go to Corey and Nathan's Birthday party at Corey's, as it seemed like everyone was invited except for me.
I simply cannot remember any other interactions. Sad, isn't it? I was just way too shy.
It was considered rare to see me at a function outside of the school setting with a group of friends. The key word is with. When Newmanfest was at the Mall, I was there, but not with anyone.
Newmanfest ... that's the fair with the Zipper. You knew you could get something accomplished when you got to ride on the Zipper with someone - as it is a ride where two people (and NOT one) could ride. I tried to hatch a plan into riding on it with another girl, but that fell through. (The only time I ever rode on the Zipper was in grade school with my cousin Pammie).
That girl was from Rock Falls.
Friendships, you see, were actually easy for me to strengthen until I was about 12 years old. I'm beating a dead horse here but it was because of the move to Sterling. Therefore, I wanted to go back.
One thing led to another, and throughout middle school and high school, the people who I consider my greatest friends were those little league softball girls. And they still are.
The big misconception with having built a great rapport with these girls is that I dated them, hung out with them, went to their houses, etc. Actually, none of that ever happened. We really only huge out with each other at sports events. But when I look at the building process of a friendship, there is a lot I can determine from having been their friends all these years.
I think there was one girl that I may have come close to going the next step further in a friendship. I guess I just didn't know how to make that happen. Same girl I tried riding on the Zipper with. Not who most people think it is, either.
I did such a poor job socially. I didn't really have a true "best" friend that I could tell share my biggest thoughts and concerns with. Perhaps I wouldn't have this eight-year-old Blog if that would have happened, as I'm now just writing things in hopes that someone would read it. I did such a poor job socially, and it's biting me in the butt right now since we're all moving on.
I keep telling myself that if I would have just SAID SOMETHING back then, things would be much better today.
Perhaps I should work harder on trying to strengthen and maintain friendships before I can even think about these relationships.
I failed in that regard in seventh grade. I didn't know that "dates" come before "relationships." And these dates don't have to be that one grand, official event. Just a get-together apparently qualifies.
***
I thought of all of this while looking at more stars. There just happened to be a star formation that looked like a cross, and I stared at that while thinking this deep.
This is perhaps, just as big a challenge as dropping these pounds.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Weight Update
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.11.50
Current Song - Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
Six months have passed since I decided to make a change with how I look and feel physically and mentally.
I recently dipped under 300 pounds, doing so for the first time since the spring of 2010. Back then, I was 298 (a loss of 40 pounds from a year prior) before embarking on a vacation trip to Cooperstown and Canton. I think the vacation threw things off a bit, and I wound up putting on quite a bit from that point forward.
I came back from a two-day vacation not too long ago. Prior to that, I hit the -50 mark by going from 343 in November to 293. Since that, however, I'm back up +5 to 298. Before you think five pounds is a lot, think of this: Five pounds on my frame is different than five pounds on an average person's frame.
While this may cause panic, I have learned to keep calm and move forward. Most people would freak out, and that just leads to the whole thing being washed away.
As of this writing, I am down 45 pounds since November. That's better than -10, +10, or +45. The trend is downward from a particular point. I'm fine with that.
When I started this whole adventure, I was unsure about how to put together a "goal" and a process to meet and maintain that goal. I had never, ever, undergone a routine such as the one I am working on now. My goal looked like nothing but going downward.
In the past six months, I have learned quite a bit about maintaining a trend. When people push me, I get that feeling that I would eventually end up like a couple of my former football coaches. One summer at the start of football season, one of them looked like he was half of his size from the year prior. Over the next 2-3 years he put back on what he had lost over the course of one year. Another football coach had the same thing happen to him.
One of the first tips given to me in all of this was the following, from another area high school football coach:
"My advice is to take it slow, very slow. Slow changes in diet, slow progress with exercise. Many bigger people try to run and do a lot of impact exercise and it backfires. You are better off losing a little weight that you can keep off than losing a lot and gaining all and more back. Weight loss is more about eating than exercising. Learn to use a calorie and exercise tracker like my fitness pal and it will become more of a science for you."
Am I serious about losing weight? Yes.
Am I going to kill myself doing it? No.
What I can't change is my schedule of things: work, website, home life, etc. While trying to keep these things afloat, I needed to find a way to knock a few off.
Eliminating website work since March has factored into a -50 loss. I will pick it up again briefly for two weekends in late May and early June, but then it's another break until the first Wednesday in August.
This is the third time since starting that I have "fallen off the wagon," however, I really haven't. I'm taking three steps forward and one step back. That "one step back" is important. I think this has really helped me in comparison to taking nothing up steps forward. I probably would have been exhausted by about -30.
By taking that small step back, that gives me more motivation to chop away more pounds. It's all a downward trend, still.
So now that I went back up again, I'm back to recommitting to the whole thing, again.
That's the plan all along. I'm still down 45.
I should also add that I have yet to consult a doctor on any of this, or am on any kind of system. It's my own made-up scheme.
***
I am down 45 pounds because of eating less than I had been and moving around a little more than I had been. I don't feel that I have plateaued yet. Of course, there are other ways to lose weight (strength training, vitamins, nutritional supplements - all of which I haven't even touched yet), and my plan is to switch gears to something else when things start to run off-course of my plan.
I have thought already of backups and grenades for my long-term path. It's better than scrambling silly for something at the first sign of trouble.
Lately, I have acquired more motivation to help guide me. There are others on the same mission as I am. They're not as large as I am, but still.
Current Song - Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
Six months have passed since I decided to make a change with how I look and feel physically and mentally.
I recently dipped under 300 pounds, doing so for the first time since the spring of 2010. Back then, I was 298 (a loss of 40 pounds from a year prior) before embarking on a vacation trip to Cooperstown and Canton. I think the vacation threw things off a bit, and I wound up putting on quite a bit from that point forward.
I came back from a two-day vacation not too long ago. Prior to that, I hit the -50 mark by going from 343 in November to 293. Since that, however, I'm back up +5 to 298. Before you think five pounds is a lot, think of this: Five pounds on my frame is different than five pounds on an average person's frame.
While this may cause panic, I have learned to keep calm and move forward. Most people would freak out, and that just leads to the whole thing being washed away.
As of this writing, I am down 45 pounds since November. That's better than -10, +10, or +45. The trend is downward from a particular point. I'm fine with that.
When I started this whole adventure, I was unsure about how to put together a "goal" and a process to meet and maintain that goal. I had never, ever, undergone a routine such as the one I am working on now. My goal looked like nothing but going downward.
In the past six months, I have learned quite a bit about maintaining a trend. When people push me, I get that feeling that I would eventually end up like a couple of my former football coaches. One summer at the start of football season, one of them looked like he was half of his size from the year prior. Over the next 2-3 years he put back on what he had lost over the course of one year. Another football coach had the same thing happen to him.
One of the first tips given to me in all of this was the following, from another area high school football coach:
"My advice is to take it slow, very slow. Slow changes in diet, slow progress with exercise. Many bigger people try to run and do a lot of impact exercise and it backfires. You are better off losing a little weight that you can keep off than losing a lot and gaining all and more back. Weight loss is more about eating than exercising. Learn to use a calorie and exercise tracker like my fitness pal and it will become more of a science for you."
Am I serious about losing weight? Yes.
Am I going to kill myself doing it? No.
What I can't change is my schedule of things: work, website, home life, etc. While trying to keep these things afloat, I needed to find a way to knock a few off.
Eliminating website work since March has factored into a -50 loss. I will pick it up again briefly for two weekends in late May and early June, but then it's another break until the first Wednesday in August.
This is the third time since starting that I have "fallen off the wagon," however, I really haven't. I'm taking three steps forward and one step back. That "one step back" is important. I think this has really helped me in comparison to taking nothing up steps forward. I probably would have been exhausted by about -30.
By taking that small step back, that gives me more motivation to chop away more pounds. It's all a downward trend, still.
So now that I went back up again, I'm back to recommitting to the whole thing, again.
That's the plan all along. I'm still down 45.
I should also add that I have yet to consult a doctor on any of this, or am on any kind of system. It's my own made-up scheme.
***
I am down 45 pounds because of eating less than I had been and moving around a little more than I had been. I don't feel that I have plateaued yet. Of course, there are other ways to lose weight (strength training, vitamins, nutritional supplements - all of which I haven't even touched yet), and my plan is to switch gears to something else when things start to run off-course of my plan.
I have thought already of backups and grenades for my long-term path. It's better than scrambling silly for something at the first sign of trouble.
Lately, I have acquired more motivation to help guide me. There are others on the same mission as I am. They're not as large as I am, but still.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Filling An Empty Heart --- Part I
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.10.50
Current Song - Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel)
Apparently I have the okay.
In my search to find out more about relationships, I took a walk not too far from my house. I sat on a bench at 14th Avenue Park and stared at the few stars that were in the sky.
It is a quiet enough spot: away from the dam, and away from the sight of many people. Open sky. Just as long as a train doesn't pass by. There is plenty of warning for when a train comes from the east, as you can see the light from the Nelson Bridge.
Anyway, the quietness made me think about certain things deeper. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I thought about the Question and Answer.
Only one time had I experienced the answer of "yes" to the question "Will you go out with me?"
Freshman year, 2002. Alicia.
I had always considered this to be so much a failure that I have denied the existence of this even happening. We got past Q&A and that was it. That was my only success out of two.
When I say, "I've never had a girlfriend," that is actually not true. I did have one. I just denied the existence of it because it was so poor. We completed Step No. 1.
That led me to believe that other relationships only got as far as ours. And even the possibility that relationships have existed where the breakup happened a mere seconds after "Yes."
I kept denying the existence of it because it was so bad. I don't know if Alicia denies the existence of this herself (in fact, we haven't even talked or seen each other since our freshman year). I simply wasn't ready to proceed forward after making it official.
I found out that the Q&A was the EASIEST part of the relationship. It takes so much more to maintain it. I failed in that regard when we were to see each other after one of the RF boys basketball games. We broke up not too long after that night.
I remember when we made it official. I was so excited to have a girlfriend that I mass messaged all of my friends on ICQ that I had FINALLY found the girl. I remember all of the congratulations and such. Wish I could have made it happen more.
I just wasn't ready yet. I was too excited to break the curse that I had completely forgotten about the inner workings of what a relationship is.
Looking at it a little more, many relationships had beginnings and ends. Turns out this one had both, despite its short lifespan.
So I guess it DID happen, and my tally is "1" instead of "0".
Since I have blocked out the existence of this relationship, I failed to learn from the mistakes that doom it. I have re-analyzed the whole relationship from accepting her ICQ friend request until the breakup:
I wasn't willing: ICQ and what else in terms of conversation??
Two-way streets are better than one.
I rarely consulted my parents for advice on how to make it all work. I was so afraid of hearing tactics that worked for them in 1983 and my belief that they wouldn't work in 2002. That, and pushing me into things that I just wasn't ready for.
Another thing I am realizing, now that I am recognizing my relationship with Alicia into existence once more is remembering the whole build-up before the Q&A. We talked on ICQ all of the time, and even had some phone conversations. We were both nervous to meet for the first time. We chatted about many things, from love to just about anything you could think of. It was to the point where I couldn't wait to see her name pop up in chat.
Another lesson learned from this relationship is to strengthen the build-up that eventually leads to the Q&A. I feel if I could have done a lot more in this process, things would have been much easier in the relationship after the Q&A.
Also, now that I'm at peace with considering this the only relationship I've had to date, I can't thank Joi enough for her efforts to try to get Alicia and I together.
So it did happen. This feels like an important discovery. I'm anxious to learn from my mistakes.
Current Song - Just The Way You Are (Billy Joel)
Apparently I have the okay.
In my search to find out more about relationships, I took a walk not too far from my house. I sat on a bench at 14th Avenue Park and stared at the few stars that were in the sky.
It is a quiet enough spot: away from the dam, and away from the sight of many people. Open sky. Just as long as a train doesn't pass by. There is plenty of warning for when a train comes from the east, as you can see the light from the Nelson Bridge.
Anyway, the quietness made me think about certain things deeper. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I thought about the Question and Answer.
Only one time had I experienced the answer of "yes" to the question "Will you go out with me?"
Freshman year, 2002. Alicia.
I had always considered this to be so much a failure that I have denied the existence of this even happening. We got past Q&A and that was it. That was my only success out of two.
When I say, "I've never had a girlfriend," that is actually not true. I did have one. I just denied the existence of it because it was so poor. We completed Step No. 1.
That led me to believe that other relationships only got as far as ours. And even the possibility that relationships have existed where the breakup happened a mere seconds after "Yes."
I kept denying the existence of it because it was so bad. I don't know if Alicia denies the existence of this herself (in fact, we haven't even talked or seen each other since our freshman year). I simply wasn't ready to proceed forward after making it official.
I found out that the Q&A was the EASIEST part of the relationship. It takes so much more to maintain it. I failed in that regard when we were to see each other after one of the RF boys basketball games. We broke up not too long after that night.
I remember when we made it official. I was so excited to have a girlfriend that I mass messaged all of my friends on ICQ that I had FINALLY found the girl. I remember all of the congratulations and such. Wish I could have made it happen more.
I just wasn't ready yet. I was too excited to break the curse that I had completely forgotten about the inner workings of what a relationship is.
Looking at it a little more, many relationships had beginnings and ends. Turns out this one had both, despite its short lifespan.
So I guess it DID happen, and my tally is "1" instead of "0".
Since I have blocked out the existence of this relationship, I failed to learn from the mistakes that doom it. I have re-analyzed the whole relationship from accepting her ICQ friend request until the breakup:
I wasn't willing: ICQ and what else in terms of conversation??
Two-way streets are better than one.
I rarely consulted my parents for advice on how to make it all work. I was so afraid of hearing tactics that worked for them in 1983 and my belief that they wouldn't work in 2002. That, and pushing me into things that I just wasn't ready for.
Another thing I am realizing, now that I am recognizing my relationship with Alicia into existence once more is remembering the whole build-up before the Q&A. We talked on ICQ all of the time, and even had some phone conversations. We were both nervous to meet for the first time. We chatted about many things, from love to just about anything you could think of. It was to the point where I couldn't wait to see her name pop up in chat.
Another lesson learned from this relationship is to strengthen the build-up that eventually leads to the Q&A. I feel if I could have done a lot more in this process, things would have been much easier in the relationship after the Q&A.
Also, now that I'm at peace with considering this the only relationship I've had to date, I can't thank Joi enough for her efforts to try to get Alicia and I together.
So it did happen. This feels like an important discovery. I'm anxious to learn from my mistakes.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Filling An Empty Heart
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3120.90.50
Current Song - Deacon Blues (Steely Dan)
The thing that has been on my mind these past couple of weeks involves my "failure" with relationships. I have felt that time has really passed me by, as I am single at 27 and people that I've hung out with over the years are married with 1-4 children.
My parents were 19 when they were married. My mom's mom married at 18 (although that didn't last). My dad's parents were 20 when they got married. My dad's mom's mom was 18 when she got married, and her mom and dad were about 20 when they got married. So young marriages and early births run in the family. To further prove this point, if my great-great grandfather Everett were alive today, he would be 106 years old.
However, I know full well that marrying between 18-21 is not the norm. Since I grew up knowing all of that, however, I tended to think that this was the norm. Not really, and I am okay with that.
Me, along with my three little brothers and my cousin Justin, are all 21 or older. No wife. No kids. For a long time, I thought it was my fault for not being able to set the example and be a case study - especially for Chris and Daniel. All of which have had a certain one-up on me in the form of either a girlfriend or a prom/homecoming date (I have had NONE of such, unfortunately).
With this question consuming every waking moment of my mind, I decided to hit the books. Library books.
After a couple, the next book on the slate was "If You Really Loved Me." The cover stated that it had answers to 100 questions about all that good stuff. I checked it out in hopes that it would answer a few questions I had in regards to why things haven't worked out.
Reading the back cover a little closely, I noticed that this was a religious book. Bible scriptures, capitalized "He"s and all that like.
For all but a couple of brief episodes of my life, I hadn't really bothered much with religion. When I was about 8-9 I attended a Congregational church to coincide with my late uncle Scott becoming our godfather. About 8-9 years ago, I had attended some Southern Baptist services. I found those a little awkward and demanding. I didn't get it, and I stopped going.
Reading this book was probably the most "religious" thing I have done since the last time I regularly attended church. Remember, when I checked out this book from the library, I had NO IDEA it had a religious theme.
But I decided to read into it.
I couldn't stop reading it.
One passage stood out the most to me. Within the 231-page book, THIS was on page 50-51:
"Here's now singles view the world of relationships: 'God created earth - that's 199 million square miles, for the record. Then God created my soul mate and put her out there somewhere. My job is to find her, and God's job seems to be to hide her from me for as long as physically possible. It is a delicate matter. If I sit at the wrong table during lunch, or do not keep my eyes constantly scanning, I might miss her. Destiny could slip from between my fingertips because I was careless. I'm prepared to exhaust myself until I find her.'
If this rings a bell, then it's time to hand the matter over to God."
That's me, alright. Everyone I know knows that.
The more I thought about it, the more I decided that it was best to do just that: hand the matter over to the more trusted hands of God's.
However, I have never really been a religious person for God to have trust in me. But I am told that He loves all, so I figured it's worth a shot. I had never dealt with Him before in such matters, but I know well that this is not a one-way street.
As I handed over the matter into trusted hands, after 15 years of frustration, I had been persuaded by Him to think some things over about myself and correct them. We would be working together to help solve the matter.
I must find it somewhere within myself to improve on this, by thinking EVERYTHING in regards to love all over. I shall do this.
I took some time last night to think about this process. I took a short walk from my house over to a bench at 14th Avenue Park, and sat and thought while staring at the few stars that were up.
I made one realization last night.
***
Now before I go ay further, I'd like to inform all of this Blog's readers that this will fall under a new series called "Filling An Empty Heart."
I have "Part I" planned, but I'm looking for some input.
Thinking about all of this may involve many past memories regarding the girls that I've met in my life. I only mention names when it's really necessary. They say it's not best to work on relationships by mentioning publically the past events with past people - especially when that special women COULD be reading it. But I tend to learn and understand more when putting thoughts from my head into words and sentences - for feedback.
Or perhaps I should seek private consultation?
Current Song - Deacon Blues (Steely Dan)
The thing that has been on my mind these past couple of weeks involves my "failure" with relationships. I have felt that time has really passed me by, as I am single at 27 and people that I've hung out with over the years are married with 1-4 children.
My parents were 19 when they were married. My mom's mom married at 18 (although that didn't last). My dad's parents were 20 when they got married. My dad's mom's mom was 18 when she got married, and her mom and dad were about 20 when they got married. So young marriages and early births run in the family. To further prove this point, if my great-great grandfather Everett were alive today, he would be 106 years old.
However, I know full well that marrying between 18-21 is not the norm. Since I grew up knowing all of that, however, I tended to think that this was the norm. Not really, and I am okay with that.
Me, along with my three little brothers and my cousin Justin, are all 21 or older. No wife. No kids. For a long time, I thought it was my fault for not being able to set the example and be a case study - especially for Chris and Daniel. All of which have had a certain one-up on me in the form of either a girlfriend or a prom/homecoming date (I have had NONE of such, unfortunately).
With this question consuming every waking moment of my mind, I decided to hit the books. Library books.
After a couple, the next book on the slate was "If You Really Loved Me." The cover stated that it had answers to 100 questions about all that good stuff. I checked it out in hopes that it would answer a few questions I had in regards to why things haven't worked out.
Reading the back cover a little closely, I noticed that this was a religious book. Bible scriptures, capitalized "He"s and all that like.
For all but a couple of brief episodes of my life, I hadn't really bothered much with religion. When I was about 8-9 I attended a Congregational church to coincide with my late uncle Scott becoming our godfather. About 8-9 years ago, I had attended some Southern Baptist services. I found those a little awkward and demanding. I didn't get it, and I stopped going.
Reading this book was probably the most "religious" thing I have done since the last time I regularly attended church. Remember, when I checked out this book from the library, I had NO IDEA it had a religious theme.
But I decided to read into it.
I couldn't stop reading it.
One passage stood out the most to me. Within the 231-page book, THIS was on page 50-51:
"Here's now singles view the world of relationships: 'God created earth - that's 199 million square miles, for the record. Then God created my soul mate and put her out there somewhere. My job is to find her, and God's job seems to be to hide her from me for as long as physically possible. It is a delicate matter. If I sit at the wrong table during lunch, or do not keep my eyes constantly scanning, I might miss her. Destiny could slip from between my fingertips because I was careless. I'm prepared to exhaust myself until I find her.'
If this rings a bell, then it's time to hand the matter over to God."
That's me, alright. Everyone I know knows that.
The more I thought about it, the more I decided that it was best to do just that: hand the matter over to the more trusted hands of God's.
However, I have never really been a religious person for God to have trust in me. But I am told that He loves all, so I figured it's worth a shot. I had never dealt with Him before in such matters, but I know well that this is not a one-way street.
As I handed over the matter into trusted hands, after 15 years of frustration, I had been persuaded by Him to think some things over about myself and correct them. We would be working together to help solve the matter.
I must find it somewhere within myself to improve on this, by thinking EVERYTHING in regards to love all over. I shall do this.
I took some time last night to think about this process. I took a short walk from my house over to a bench at 14th Avenue Park, and sat and thought while staring at the few stars that were up.
I made one realization last night.
***
Now before I go ay further, I'd like to inform all of this Blog's readers that this will fall under a new series called "Filling An Empty Heart."
I have "Part I" planned, but I'm looking for some input.
Thinking about all of this may involve many past memories regarding the girls that I've met in my life. I only mention names when it's really necessary. They say it's not best to work on relationships by mentioning publically the past events with past people - especially when that special women COULD be reading it. But I tend to learn and understand more when putting thoughts from my head into words and sentences - for feedback.
Or perhaps I should seek private consultation?
Monday, May 6, 2013
Clique Talk --- An "eCard" that I found offensive
Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.60.50
Current Song - The Best Is Yet to come (Frank Sinatra)
I saw this posted on a friend's Facebook wall not too long ago. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
Probably because I don't find it "funny" at all.
Okay, maybe I have failed to find the humor behind this because of my condition, you say. NOPE. I really don't find it funny at all.
This is because I have friends that were called "whores," "hoes," and "sluts" in school. This card made me think of them, and how sorry I felt for them having been called such things.
Even worse, there have been classmates that have told me to stay away from either a certain girl or a group of girls because of this. They'll throw in such words as "STD's," "everyone in town has had a ride," and my least favorite of all, "diseased."
I know of classmates that have referred to certain girls as "diseased," and I swear I wanted to knock them upside the head. I never did, because I didn't want to get in trouble. However, when you hear such things said, it will linger in your mind for a long time - even longer when more and more people are saying the same thing.
Every school had a few. The negative connotations start in middle school (junior high) when the kids start to learn about such language. Most of the time, they get the connections wrong by jumping to conclusions about people.
Here's how it happens: The kid becomes introduced to the descriptive word and its everyday use. "She is (this)." Then the kid tries to associate such a connotation to someone they know. "That's kind of like (her)." Then such information gets leaked out to the vast groups of people that middle school was created for (as a merger of two or more groups of different kids from different elementary schools).
This is how every clique takes shape. Cliques are a part of every middle school, but the most degrading one are that of the "bitches, hoes and whores." When the kid tries to think of a more local association for the "whores," they really have very little to go by. Looks are a huge factor in this. However, the person doesn't quite understand the meaning of not judging a book by its cover. ("If she looks like a whore, then she must be a whore.")
This negative connotation is further strengthened by relationship histories. People that have heard of these negative descriptions of girls will associate the large tally of "known" relationships with that of that of what they know a "whore" does. This is not true, as you just don't know when someone is unsure about relationships and simply going through the motions; as everyone learns in different ways.
What we fail to see growing up is what goes on inside the person's mind. We can see things such as a person's clothing, a person's looks, and we can understand a person's attitude and the way they talk. We don't know what goes in inside the person's mind.
In middle school, I was the person that already knew it all. When all the rest of the kids were learning and experimenting with such things, I was sitting at the corner of the building (at the back of Challand) and observing all of this, thinking to myself: "Look at him, there's another person that just doesn't get it." I would see the "crowning" of "whores" and just shook my head.
I was trying to better understand different types of people when I was shy all of the time. A lot of my shyness had to do with failing to get across to someone in a way they could understand. Sure, there were people telling me that so-and-so was a "whore" and to stay away from her any time she would approach me. I'd just sort of stared at him and tried to find a way to tell him that he was a jerk for thinking about that.
I feel that in order to know a person well, you have to tap into their mind and understand them. Not go by what you see. I "saw" the filtering of all of my middle school classmates into certain cliques (and as the rump of the pile that never got filtered, I was classified as one of the outsiders).
It was in middle school when I could see the intermixing of qualities between two different cliques. There existed classmates that looked like an emo, but could tell you everything you wanted to know about chemistry. There were people considered to be jocks that could also tell you everything you wanted to know about chemistry. I knew outsiders who were great class speakers (I was not one of them). When I saw multiple qualities of what defines a certain clique in someone, I realized that the very existence of cliques themselves was a bunch of rubbish.
Another, more understandable, example of finding a positive from a negative are those black classmates that always got in trouble, and were always goofing off. I would see the times when they would be offended by racism, and they would all of a sudden burst into the words of Dr. King and such. All of a sudden they were not the troublemaking kid, but a person that actually had some sort of logical sense. While these matters would only come up at times when provoked, it proved that these positive qualities did indeed exist in the person.
Most people come to that realization during high school, when they see it more and more. Some still fail to see that. I saw it all in middle school, when others were bring introduced to the concept.
All of that being said, I know of such girls to be real smart, real athletic, real nice, and had other multiple positive characteristics. I would see that in them, and hold on tight to that. I knew all of these "associations" made no sense at all.
We really do not know about the sexual history of those that have been labeled as "whores." In middle school, we take only the trace of evidence and blow it out of proportion. It is all not true. I knew these feelings deeply hurt such girls, and whenever I could I would try to find a way to help cure it all.
And it's not just girls. There are boys whom have had multiple relationships and were also subject to the name calling; some in terms of being "plagued" by such. It just isn't true.
I know of one girl that I consider a good friend. Her and her group of friends, at one time growing up, decided that it was fun to nickname themselves after me. This girl was called "Hody Slutter". I do not know who came up with that, but once I heard it for the first time I was real unhappy. Here was my own name being used to describe someone I know in such a negative way. I'm sure this nickname wound up hurting her somehow, and the first person that comes to mind whenever the nickname comes up is Cody Cutter. I had nothing to do with the nickname, and I've always felt bad about it. Truthfully, she is the very opposite of what her nickname suggests.
It's been more than 10 years since graduating from the 8th grade. These "whores" have turned out to be just fine, thank you.
It shouldn't take time to bust the cliques (Cliquebusting it what I call it). We can eliminate these early on by real keen observations of what goes on around us, and knowing that we simply cannot judge a book by its cover. At least that's the way I did it.
So it's NOT funny that the girls considered whores that are now married with children are now posting bible verses.
I find it to be a positive change in their lives to overcome the negative connotations that grew up with them in school. These girls, now women, are the strongest people I know.
And I'm proud to call some of them my friends.
Current Song - The Best Is Yet to come (Frank Sinatra)
I saw this posted on a friend's Facebook wall not too long ago. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
Probably because I don't find it "funny" at all.
Okay, maybe I have failed to find the humor behind this because of my condition, you say. NOPE. I really don't find it funny at all.
This is because I have friends that were called "whores," "hoes," and "sluts" in school. This card made me think of them, and how sorry I felt for them having been called such things.
Even worse, there have been classmates that have told me to stay away from either a certain girl or a group of girls because of this. They'll throw in such words as "STD's," "everyone in town has had a ride," and my least favorite of all, "diseased."
I know of classmates that have referred to certain girls as "diseased," and I swear I wanted to knock them upside the head. I never did, because I didn't want to get in trouble. However, when you hear such things said, it will linger in your mind for a long time - even longer when more and more people are saying the same thing.
Every school had a few. The negative connotations start in middle school (junior high) when the kids start to learn about such language. Most of the time, they get the connections wrong by jumping to conclusions about people.
Here's how it happens: The kid becomes introduced to the descriptive word and its everyday use. "She is (this)." Then the kid tries to associate such a connotation to someone they know. "That's kind of like (her)." Then such information gets leaked out to the vast groups of people that middle school was created for (as a merger of two or more groups of different kids from different elementary schools).
This is how every clique takes shape. Cliques are a part of every middle school, but the most degrading one are that of the "bitches, hoes and whores." When the kid tries to think of a more local association for the "whores," they really have very little to go by. Looks are a huge factor in this. However, the person doesn't quite understand the meaning of not judging a book by its cover. ("If she looks like a whore, then she must be a whore.")
This negative connotation is further strengthened by relationship histories. People that have heard of these negative descriptions of girls will associate the large tally of "known" relationships with that of that of what they know a "whore" does. This is not true, as you just don't know when someone is unsure about relationships and simply going through the motions; as everyone learns in different ways.
What we fail to see growing up is what goes on inside the person's mind. We can see things such as a person's clothing, a person's looks, and we can understand a person's attitude and the way they talk. We don't know what goes in inside the person's mind.
In middle school, I was the person that already knew it all. When all the rest of the kids were learning and experimenting with such things, I was sitting at the corner of the building (at the back of Challand) and observing all of this, thinking to myself: "Look at him, there's another person that just doesn't get it." I would see the "crowning" of "whores" and just shook my head.
I was trying to better understand different types of people when I was shy all of the time. A lot of my shyness had to do with failing to get across to someone in a way they could understand. Sure, there were people telling me that so-and-so was a "whore" and to stay away from her any time she would approach me. I'd just sort of stared at him and tried to find a way to tell him that he was a jerk for thinking about that.
I feel that in order to know a person well, you have to tap into their mind and understand them. Not go by what you see. I "saw" the filtering of all of my middle school classmates into certain cliques (and as the rump of the pile that never got filtered, I was classified as one of the outsiders).
It was in middle school when I could see the intermixing of qualities between two different cliques. There existed classmates that looked like an emo, but could tell you everything you wanted to know about chemistry. There were people considered to be jocks that could also tell you everything you wanted to know about chemistry. I knew outsiders who were great class speakers (I was not one of them). When I saw multiple qualities of what defines a certain clique in someone, I realized that the very existence of cliques themselves was a bunch of rubbish.
Another, more understandable, example of finding a positive from a negative are those black classmates that always got in trouble, and were always goofing off. I would see the times when they would be offended by racism, and they would all of a sudden burst into the words of Dr. King and such. All of a sudden they were not the troublemaking kid, but a person that actually had some sort of logical sense. While these matters would only come up at times when provoked, it proved that these positive qualities did indeed exist in the person.
Most people come to that realization during high school, when they see it more and more. Some still fail to see that. I saw it all in middle school, when others were bring introduced to the concept.
All of that being said, I know of such girls to be real smart, real athletic, real nice, and had other multiple positive characteristics. I would see that in them, and hold on tight to that. I knew all of these "associations" made no sense at all.
We really do not know about the sexual history of those that have been labeled as "whores." In middle school, we take only the trace of evidence and blow it out of proportion. It is all not true. I knew these feelings deeply hurt such girls, and whenever I could I would try to find a way to help cure it all.
And it's not just girls. There are boys whom have had multiple relationships and were also subject to the name calling; some in terms of being "plagued" by such. It just isn't true.
I know of one girl that I consider a good friend. Her and her group of friends, at one time growing up, decided that it was fun to nickname themselves after me. This girl was called "Hody Slutter". I do not know who came up with that, but once I heard it for the first time I was real unhappy. Here was my own name being used to describe someone I know in such a negative way. I'm sure this nickname wound up hurting her somehow, and the first person that comes to mind whenever the nickname comes up is Cody Cutter. I had nothing to do with the nickname, and I've always felt bad about it. Truthfully, she is the very opposite of what her nickname suggests.
It's been more than 10 years since graduating from the 8th grade. These "whores" have turned out to be just fine, thank you.
It shouldn't take time to bust the cliques (Cliquebusting it what I call it). We can eliminate these early on by real keen observations of what goes on around us, and knowing that we simply cannot judge a book by its cover. At least that's the way I did it.
So it's NOT funny that the girls considered whores that are now married with children are now posting bible verses.
I find it to be a positive change in their lives to overcome the negative connotations that grew up with them in school. These girls, now women, are the strongest people I know.
And I'm proud to call some of them my friends.
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