Adding More Prose To My Poem Book

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.71.40
Current Song - Careless Whisper (Wham!)

I just finished making another addition to my poem book.

More will come.

I had one of those moments where somehow, through something, some of the girls I had loved in the past came back into the forefront of my mind. One thing led to another, and all of a sudden I'm thinking back to a moment which happened during my junior year in high school.

Because I live alone with very little interaction as of late (due to the car breaking down and being stuck within the walls of my house), there is very little that can get my off of what's on my mind.

I've written about this constantly. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse sharing this with all of you. I sometimes don't know when to shut up - which is extremely odd considering that I actually do not talk very much at all.

But I can't deny the existance of the things that do wind up coming into my mind. Keeping it to myself has become a problem as of late, especially when I share what's on my mind on the Facebook news feed.

Sometimes I feel that sharing what is on my mind annoys people. Especially those who I may be actually thinking about. I have realized this on my own without anyone telling me to shut up.

However, there was one more deep feeling I felt like sharing with everyone.

While thinking deeper about that moment during my junior year, some of the words fit together like a puzzle in the form of poetry.

At first, I could only think of the title: "If Only I Would Have Known"

To help complete my poem, sitting in my empty house wasn't going to help convey the message of the poem. In the past, I have gone on car rides to see different surroundings and therefore introduce myself to more influences to put the prose together. However, I couldn't do that with my car. A bike ride would have to do.

I know I'm on a diet, and just dipped past the 300-pound mark a couple of days ago, but I felt like treating myself to a rare sit-down restaurant dinner. I rode my bike to Candlelight in RF (name anyone else who rides their bike to Candlelight for dinner) to have a steak.

The setting reminded me of something you could go to for a date. I sat in a booth at one of the corners and ordered my typical NY Strip. Usually I like my steaks medium-well, but opted for well-done this time.

I wanted to buy a few extra minutes to get this setting soaked in. The chinks of glass and silverware, together with the sort-of-dark visual setting mixed with darkish-red wooden booths. While sitting down and looking at the menu, the setting merged with some of the feelings I had felt about that particular event I was thinking about. If only I would have made a date here, I thought.

While waiting for my steak, I made great use of my notepad on my phone. Thinking of words and lines, and such.

After I was done and left, I wound up taking a short rest at the bench next to the bridge in RF. While resting, I looked back at my typed poem on my phone and made some revisions. It was dark out and I'm in front of a busy stretch of road.

I got home and typed up the poem for Facebook.

Afterwhich, I began to think more about the fact that I should really start to shut up about these kinds of things. The best way to do that, I think, is to convey my feelings into poetry and write them in my poem book.

I wrote about my Poem Book on here in the past: http://northernilsportswriter.blogspot.com/2013/02/love-through-written-word.html

The event during my junior year was just one of many that had to do with a young autistic kid's struggles with love. I've had many more.

To truly understand these moments more, I think writing about them in poem form will help.

Of course, while I do that my mind will be on the same people I had loved in the past. And, yes, I've written constantly about how I've tried to get them off of my mind in the love sense.

However, I think there is only one way I can stop "falling in love" with them.

Once hooked with someone else (whenever that day may come), and are are officially "boyfriend/girlfriend" will these memories fade away and not be annoying as much.

So, here is my newest poem.

***

If only I would have known
How sad you were
My arm over your shoulder
That is for sure

If only I would have known
The scars from those past
I would do all to heal
So they shall never last

If only I would have known
The meaning of your joy
I would embrace it more
And no more a shy boy

If only I would have known
Your feelings that night
I would have made all well
Oh the feelings I had to fight

If only I would have known
And see a trace of love for me
I'd have cared for you more
Than what you could ever see
If only I would have known
You more than I know now
All things would be different
If I could go back somehow

If only I would have known
If only I would have known
But I failed to see
No one's fault but my own