Love Through The Written Word

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.31.20
Current Song - If You Leave Me Now (Chicago)

As many of you know, I am one of the shyest people this world has ever seen.

When it comes to love, expressing my feelings through the spoken word has been very difficult.

Why? When I was in grade school, my favorite cartoon was 'Doug'. That cartoon featured the title character thinking about things, and in almost every important moment think of a worst-case scenario. I was always thinking of that worst-case scenario when the time came to tell the girl I loved my true feelings.

Because of this extreme nervousness, I have never had a girlfriend. Telling Amber I loved her was a rare moment of breaking out of my shell. Giving those roses to Carly in 7th grade was a rare moment of breaking out of my shell. Mailing a birthday card to Emily was another one. A few years later, I felt just a little more confident when I gave my softball friends some flowers and a letter of appreciation during their Senior Night game. (Come to think of that, I also wrote messages for them when I traveled to Chicago for a summer league game).

When I was unable to say anything, I wrote it down.

About 13 years ago, I took in an SHS junior varsity football game and got bored. Someone was on my mind quite a bit (S.B.) and I laid down underneath the stadium on a bunch of football pads. As I stared at the concrete bleachers above, some words began to flow in my mind.

Those words were "beautiful," "lovely," "pretty," and "wonderful." Then I tried to find rhymes. After that, I had just written my first original non-school-assignment poem: called "From Me To You" --

This is to a girl
Who I love so much
A girl so pretty
I love her a bunch

A really great girl
Who I really adore
To her I write
This poem for

You're so beautiful and you're so lovely
Totally conquering my mind
So pretty so wonderful
There's not another girl of your kind  

I love you

I decided to share this poem to everyone, and the platforms were my old Geocities personal webpage and ICQ. While I didn't reveal the subject of this poem, I had recieved many positive notes about it. Especially from girls.

That was, for a while, the only poem I wrote.

Then, during my sophomore year of high school, another girl took over my mind. It was to the point where I started writing poems again.

At that point, I bought one of those hardcover journal books at Borders. I started writing.

The first poem was called "A Purple World" --

Purple is a lovely color
Especially as a uniform
Purple is my favorite color
A color like no other

Chicago said Colour My World
Might I suggest purple?
A dedication to my girl
Who makes my heart whirl

And whirl that purple
Into my arms
Where I want you
Fufilling my charms

Purple is the sky above
In purple, we love

Two more poems - very terrible poems at that (as I look back in my book) - were written about this same girl.

Then came the phase where I was feeling very angry and depressed. A long poem called "The River" described my feelings about Sterling and Rock Falls friends. A rough draft version was found by my parents. It contained the line "Queen Lorraine the Fat," which described our mean landlord when living at Rock Falls, before moving to Sterling in '97. I think this copy is somewhere in their memories box.

After that, I just started writing senselessly into this book to try to fill up space. The haiku "Lack of Love" was the climax of this phase:

I am so distraught
Not one girl will love me much
Today I shall die

(So much for that last line, thankfully)

Looking back at that book, there are two additional poems that I wrote which I feel comfortable enough to share. I had grown up just a little more at the time, and the words began to make more sense. The first is called "Not Available" and the second is called "So Nervous."

"Not Available"

I loved you, I loved you, I loved you so much
Your beautiful loving I'll never forget
Been many years, but wanting in the clutch
Hoping you'll be mine, not just for rent

But you made a change I did not like
You chose to stay with him, together
What you changed into was a telling sign
That you'll be with him forever

The change tells significantly
The true meaning of what you are now
Now many more want, and you don't care to see
Further making me go out after I bow

He's on the defense, the offense in a clutch
Smiling as you cheer and shout
Your lover has now thrown the pitch
That made the mighty Cody strike out


"So Nervous"

You've known me for a long time
But no time is crucial than this
But all you think I am is pantomime
Because when I talk I'm so nervous

Baby, I really love you
I'm just so nervous to hell
Sometimes I feel very blue
These moments I don't feel well

Even though you know me, you don't
You only know that I exist
I am merely a footnote
But you are one I can't resist

Please will you realize where I'm coming from
You don't know but you inspire me
Don't look at me like a bum
I love you, can't you see?

The subject of the second poem was also the subject of the only poem with a girl's name as the title. I wrote these in college. She was the only crush I ever had in college, but it just didn't work out as Sauk is a very big place with many students and different time schedules - whereas in high school I saw them in the hallways daily. I won't display the poem on here because her name is in the poem itself also.

After each poem, I wrote down the year I penned it in the book. The last poem shows "2007," which is right around the time my crushes had started to burn out.

Five years later, and 12 years after writing my first poem, another girl came into my life. Hence the poem called "Love Is Blue." I wrote a rough draft and shelved it for a year before finding it one day not too long ago. After modifying it, I printed it out and framed it. The poem sits on a shelf in my living room.

My eyes have been booked
My heart forever booked
Never seen how beauty looked
For forever this has took

My heart says yes and mind says no
I don't know you but I can't let go
The prettiest girl if you may
In the world today

We looked and our eyes stood still
Moving only deeper to drill
The tears that drop are what I feel
Wanting all of this to be real

I'll never forget your smile
And the angelic voice you speak
Or when I made you giggle a while
You make me so weak

As I slowly let go of your hand
And kiss you above
I absolutely understand
Good-bye forever my love

What came to be in that hour
My true weakness unfurled
I wish I had the power
To give you the world

As of right now, I have a new poem in the works. I'll be releasing it on Valentine's Day. Except this time, I will be verbally reading it on video. This one's one of the longest poems I've written, but comes at a time when I am learning so much about growing up and adulthood.

I call it the best poem I've written since my first, way back in 2000.

So I've got two more poems to write into the book.