StaStuttering & SpuaSpuaSpeeches

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.12.40
Current Song - Roundup (Sam Spence)

I read briefly about King George VI of England. He was King of England during World War II, and apparently, like me, had huge difficulty in public speaking.

Looking up some of his recorded speeches on YouTube reminded me of me.

The bulk of my conversation problems involve stuttering and blockages. However, when I find myself talking to myself, there is very little stuttering taking place.

When I mean "conversation", there are certain degrees in which stuttering is most prevalent.

When I do my required greeting and salutation as a gas station worker, there is no stuttering whatsoever. When a customer asks me a question, it depends. If I know the answer, I don't stutter. If I don't know the answer, there is some stuttering. If I don't know the answer and the customer is breathing down my throat (say, when a credit card does not work at the pump), the stuttering occurs more often as I try to find a way to escape the situation.

In my six years as a gas station worker, the repetition of things has caused the stuttering to go away. I become more confident in my replies in situations when customers (the ones who think they're God) get angry.

Normal customers I won't stutter in front of. However, for some reason, I tend to stutter when those I have known from school (on both sides of the river) come to the counter. I think it is because seeing the person immediately sends my mindset back to school days, when stuttering in front of classmates was the norm.

I don't recall having this problem in grade school, but it became more noticable in middle school and high school. This probably coincides with the shyness I experienced during this time. When I became more withdrawn, it was almost like I had forgotten how to talk. In trying to reclaim that conversation niche, the stuttering was a struggle to put "cool" sentences together.


Class speeches were hell.

I took a speech class during my sophomore year. Our teacher, Mrs. Ward, videotaped all of our speeches and gave the tapes to us at the end of the year for future reference. I still have that VHS. My first speech was hell, it was about myself and moving from Rock Falls to Sterling. The class and Mrs. Ward all thought I was having a heartattack (I was a big boy, and the feeling was probably legit). My subsequent speeches all sucked, because they were on topics that I had no interest in.

However, the final speech for the class was left to something I was indeed interested in. This one was on the Sterling-Rock Falls high school sports rivalry and history. The locale of this speech helped a little bit; the classroom was used for all other speeches, but this one was held in the choir room with a larger audience. There were more kids in front of me, but there was also this plain wall behind them. My eyes, instead of being focused on farsightedness, were switched to nearsightedness to make the crowd become a blur.

While I had a problem with clapping my notecards on the podium, the speech went almost flawless. I think there was just one period of blockage. I can remember the standing ovation that the class gave me. I think they understood the struggle I was having.

Later on in the class period, I broke out of my shell once more. I was asked to play a minor extra role as a ninja. I let out a yell that, apparently, roared the crowd. I asked myself W.W.P.B.D. (What would Pat Bittorf do?) in this situation. I had that in me, but I rarely ever showed that side of me.


Talent Show Gaffe

My first stage appearances were grade school music concerts. But I was singing with a bunch of other people. (Who among my classmates at Lincoln remembers the line "The evening we parted, the morning we met" and how we were tempted to say "farted" instead of "parted?"). However, my first solo performances were the 7th grade talent show.

I had racked up a list of impersonations, and was persuaded to try out for Challand's talent show. I delivered a routine during tryouts and made it. Rehersal was to follow at the Auditorium.

At the Auditorum stage, the crowd looks darkened like you can't see them. This made stage fright seem a bit more tolerable than what I thought it was.

I delivered a routine that had some slight alterations because I was having a much better time than I had thought. Doing my "7-11 Indian Routine" I mentioned the word "tampons." The crowd, which included my classmates Parris, Sarah and Jenna, all gasped and Mr. Neff promptly kicked me out of the show right then and there. He even yelled at me to "GO HOME!"

I didn't really go home. I went back to Challand to pick up my things and I was slamming lockers open and shut in anger. My first temper tantrum in school since pre-school.

I never apologized to Mr. Neff for this. If he didn't yell at me on the stage in front of everyone, I would have apologized. But he embarassed me in front of everyone, and I really felt bad for Parris, Sarah and Jenna for having witnessed this.

I made phone calls to all of my friends afterward. I had never made that many phone calls to friends before, or ever have since. Needless to say, stuttering was absolutely rampant.


"Will You Go Out With Me?"

On a subject that I write about on here often, there has only been one occasion where I have ever popped this question - Carly in 7th grade.

Amber, Sarah, Jennie, etc. all knew about my stuttering and insecurity. That very likely repelled each other. However, there was something about Carly that differed from the rest: She seemed to be understanding of my inabilities. Probably because we sat next to each other in 6th grade. This was something I hadn't experienced, and appreciated at the same time.

So much to where, at the Valentine's Day dance, I had brought over a bunch of roses to her. This was a big thing. I had to hide the roses from everyone else because I thought the hoopla was going to be too much for me. I don't remember the song that played, but someone found out and told me it was time to get the roses. This all played out as if it was some sort of religious service.

I only said a few words, which may have been "Here, Carly, these are for you." and promptly exited the gym floor to catch myself back up.

After hearing that she appreciated the roses, and after hearing something about a shouting match between her and Sarah over who I loved more, the next step was the big question. Everyone in school was hounding me over when I was going to ask her. On my own time, and by myself. This was because with just me and the telephone, I wasn't going to be pressured by someone else (such as Jared in 1st grade with Johnna) to tie up my words and make me stutter.

I had prepared for this in a way that would turn off just about every girl ever. I made the call. It was brief. And I don't remember a pause other than before asking the question. "Carly?" I paused for about five seconds. "Will you go out with me?"

The rest is history. A disappointing one.

I never did find the courage to ask anyone else out in high school. In front of most girls, I'll stutter a little bit. In front of girls I liked, however, stuttering was rampant.

I stuttered A LOT in front in my softball friends from Rock Falls. Probably because they were going so fast for me that I struggled to keep up. Some girls it was easier, others were difficult. The girl I had the greatest difficulty controlling my stutter in front of was Emily, and everyone knows why.

When I worked for the newspaper, Emily had a big hit in the supersectional game against Byron and was something worthy of an interview. We had known each other for about 10 years, so you'd think this was easy. My stuttering was bad because this was a very unusual situation: we know each other but I was trying to keep this as professional an interview as possible. I dropped my clipboard during the interview and she was laughing hysterically. Before that, I was always interviewing Korby, Marilyn, Jessica and Whitni as well as Sheila.


As a Journalist

Communication is one of the biggest facets of the profession of journalism. That is my biggest setback.

I have always been more of an observational and ramificational journalist. Getting quotes have been a subsequent priority in my writings. Thus, I struggle with them.

When I first started, I was asking crappy questions. My first interviews were with Coach Scheidegger (R.I.P.) and Coach Kusnerick from Rock Falls. Then when working with the softball girls, quotes were a requirement for the newspaper. I struggled with them a lot.

As mentioned earlier, Korby was a frequent interview for me. When I started, I had typed up a list of questions and I would read them off. It got to the point where Korby was sick and tired of these same questions, and that's when the stutter started to come back. Eventually over time - notably during the winning streak - things got much easier and more relaxed with the exception of that one time with Emily.

On assignments that I hated doing (college commitments, athlete features and news stories), stuttering during interviews were more prevalent. My last story for the newspaper was the 50th Anniversary of Sterling Youth Baseball. I was ill-prepared and the story sucked.

Moving on to Northern Illinois Sports Beat, I met more and more athletes and coaches.

Any athlete and coach that I have ever interviewed can remember me stuttering at least 8 or 9 times during an interview. Easier stories to write meant less stuttering. Stories in which the theme of the game was difficult to pinpoint saw more stuttering.

I had a terrible time while covering a Dixon girls basketball game one year early on, and Coach Morrison nearly walked away from my interview because I was so bad at it. That led to a period of doubt where the simplist interviews were difficult.

I also tend to have difficulty with young coaches that are uber-excited (Brown, Winckler, Dykeman to name a few). When I stutter, that excitement often turns into confusion. Sometimes a side-thought occurs where I think I'm embarassing myself because I have caused the coach to change his mood just for this conversation, which I felt bad about.

At times when I'm interviewing someone of high standing (Goers, Sigel, Lano, Papoccia, and the like), I do tend to stutter when my questions backfire, or I don't get the answer that I'm looking for. The reason for this is because of potential embarassment in front of someone like them. They've been there and done that when it comes to media interviews, and the feeling of "Oh God, here's that Cutter kid" comes to mind.

When it comes to athletes, almost all of them are not a problem. Girls are more difficult because of their inability to show expression during interviews. I can't recall a single game story interview that has been more difficult than another.

Athlete QA's are a different story - and these are the ones where questions are scripted. When I feel the athlete is bored from doing this, the stuttering starts to show because I'm struggling to keep the interview flowing. Probably my most difficult QA was with a girl from Hinckley-Big Rock. I paused twice for 10 seconds during the interview. I still don't know why.

The biggest stuttering issue in my journalism career are State Final events.

Here I am in front of high school sports journalists across all of Illinois - colleagues and sportswriting idols. When press conference time comes around, I'm always struggling to get a question out. I hardly ever ask a question ... the "Clarence Thomas of the press room" I think is the nickname they give me behind my back. When I do ask a question during a press conference, I stutter a lot. The reason for that is because I'm displaying my talents in front of not only the press table, but also in front of my more professional journalism colleagues.

I swear, the press room supervisor always wonders why I don't ask questions all of the time.

This year saw a slight improvement of questions posed in the press room.

During this year's IHSA Volleyball Finals, Edwards County brought no press. Hardly any questions were asked when I covered their match against Dakota. So after they played Riverdale, the Matt, the IHSA media guy, suggested to those sitting down that we all each ask a question. That included me.

Afterward I joked with him by saying, "I must be sick or something. I asked two questions."

The other instance was during this year's 3-Point Showdown in boys basketball. This I thought was a unique side story of something that gets little press. So the press room is bare, and I had an easier time because I took notes of the questions asked previously.

That was my last high school sports story before my current hiatus.

I'll be back for the State baseball and softball finals. I hope all can be improved a little more over there.