Heart Shaped Box

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.20.21
Current Song - She's Always A Woman (Billy Joel)

In the past couple of days, I had attempted to reconnect with someone that I consider my No. 1 crush from my school days. We've exchanged a couple of messages.

I mention this in the entry titled, All Crush Remnants Have Been Eradicated

It's been hard to let go of her, but through this communication I think we were able to let go at the same time.

My love life, having strung numerous crushes on girls for 21 years, had finally been locked away. Now is the time to build a new one, using the experiences - both failure and success - to help build the foundation to hopefully find the girl (now lady) I've been looking for. And all as, hopefully, a much lighter person that I am now in terms of my size.

***

Not too long ago I was trying to find a picture of a girl, one I had a big crush on, that I have known for years. She gave it to me after I wrote a letter to her about how much she meant to me. The back of the picture had "Thank you for your letter, it made me smile." I used it as a bookmark at one time, but after digging around everywhere in my new house I just could not find it.

While digging through boxes in my attic, I stumbled across old graduation invitations. I was only invited to five graduation parties in 2005: three girls and two boys - and all from Rock Falls. Along with the invitations were "Thank You" cards from the girls. I couldn't help but re-read them. Two of them signed with a heart. These mementos were scattered in a box, and I wanted to find a smaller one to isolate them.

For years I kept an empty heart-shaped chocolate box in my desk: a Whitman's "Solo" sampler. While I had many traces of memories of my girls from Rock Falls, I had very little from my Sterling girls. The only real concrete memory would be my Fifth Grade Diary. I had to read that once more as well.

(The Fifth Grade Diary would be my first foray into journal writing, eight years before the launch of this Blog in 2005, and would document much of the second half of 5th Grade)

That led me to the girl that I consider my No. 1 crush. If I couldn't find that one picture I had been looking for, perhaps I had one somewhere of this one. Turns out I did, but only in a bunch of old discarded high school yearbook photos.

She was the one I sent that final Love Letter to. I sent it in August, and never heard back from her. I thought back to that letter, and wanted to devote a day toward trying to get that. That was yesterday. During this process, any doubt that existed of her not being No. 1 were forever erased. Then, with her help, I was able to let go.

That gave me a good idea for this heart-shaped box.

When I get done with this Blog entry, I will be writing endlessly about me and her. Then I'll stuff the printed copy, and this picture, into this heart-shaped box.

Then I'll find another box, and gather all of those graduation invitations and thank-you cards. Also to be put into the box are copies of the letters I sent to all of the Rock Falls softball girls at graduation - which are actually rough drafts (and chronicles much deeper feelings). Plus, two softball game balls that the girls gave to me after their freshman-season ending game against Belvidere. Then endless photos and such. An old Top 50 List from middle school. Printed copies of my Blog entry about the 10th Anniversary of the Geneseo Bikeride (both the Blog version, and the NISB website version).

Also to be put in the box are all my 2nd grade "Get Well" cards, one of which was made by a future crush, as well as copies of Merrill yearbook pages, containing two particiular girls.

Lastly, an index of all of the girls I ever had a crush on. I've held back on the names, until now. I'm only giving out initals because of confidentiality, but I know some initals are more recognizable than others. You can play a guessing game with these, I guess. Some of these girls know. Some don't. And for those that don't, don't worry it was a long time ago when we were all going through the motions. Each time I tried to let her know my feelings, but almost each time I had failed.

This is in timeline order, starting with the first girl I liked 21 years ago and moving on (except for the "three"):

M. G.
K. O.
J. B.
S. H.
S. S.
S. C.
C. H.
K.  B.
J. T.
B. J.
J. V.
S. B.
M. K.
A. T.
K. G.
K. H.
T. G.
C. R. K. M.
A. L.
T. M.
J. C.
R. N.
L. B.
- I haven't had an active crush since the Spring of 2010

The 3 that I couldn't let go of for years, until recently:

Jennifer M.
Emily C.
and finally,
Amber C.

I do want to make one thing clear: I am not taking my entire memory of these girls and locking it away in a box. Rather just any memories of love and only up to this point (barring any future interactions). The friendships will continue, I hope, and I always wish the best for them and would do anything for them if they ever asked me to.

If you're reading this and your initals not listed, I'm sorry but that's all I can recall. I think there are more that had crushes on me, but I never knew of them at the time, or never could quite figure it out, or knew much later on. Just for the heck of it, I'm interested in hearing some of THOSE names pop up. I think only 2 or 3 names are on both lists.

I shall go write some more, put the box together, and find a place to store it.

And then flying free as a bird to construct a new timeline of love searching.

(Oh, and perhaps that lost picture will turn up soon - then I'll have to reopen this box.)