Not Size. Not Autism. TIME!!!!

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.61.21
Current Song - Early In The Morning (Gap Band)

"Hi. My name is Cody Cutter, and I can't find a girlfriend."

"Hi Cody!"

"Wait, are you the same Cody Cutter that ..."

"First off, they are friends of mine. Secondly, we're in different leagues: they're the majors and I'm Double-A. And will you please shut up? That was a long time ago."


I have well-documented my struggles with finding that significant female in my life. It's not a "NEED" or a "WANT" but an "I'D LIKE TO." It's something that, for 20 years, I haven't been able to fully accomplish. I've come within the final 3 in some girls' choices maybe twice, and the closest I ever got was in 7th grade - I really liked her, she knew it; I asked her out, and she said no.

Well, I shouldn't say that's the closest. Only a few people remember the "only" girlfriend I ever had, which happened during my freshman year. I don't list this in my vast history of memories with girls because it was a situation that I was forced into by a couple of people as a distraction. I never had an interest in her. With great apologies, I do NOT recognize this as an official relationship.

There also exists a time when my shyness barriers prevented me from telling someone my true feelings.

Although I have come up short on countless occasions, I don't feel the need to travel back in time to change anything. I am content with these final results. All of the girls are living happy lives right now.

On times that I have come close, it meant pulling off a miracle in tearing down a shyness barrier and combining that with a dry sense of humor.

However, I have often wondered what made the difference in these situations.

My size? Can't be possible, as there are people bigger than me, even, that perfected romance.

My Autism? I know of many people with Asperger's Syndrome that are married.

I have not had an active crush on someone since the Spring of 2010. Since graduating high school, there have been calls to persuade me to hang it up and retire. Many friends have tried to tell me to give it all up and that I don't have enough left in me. To them I have said a stern NO. I do not give up in this search.

And I will not, after my No. 1 crush from school days wrote this to me recently:

"I wish you the best of luck in your life and you find someone someday that will make you happy."

***

I was working at the Shell station last night when a regular customer was talking with another. I happened to overhear this conversation, which was about wives.

"Are you married?"
"No."

"Good. They take up too much time."

And all of a sudden, it hit me!

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME! That's the cusp of all my problems. I don't have enough time! I thought about that for a while, and remembered a classmate of mine telling me at our 5-Year Reunion: "but you're always busy."

Here I am, working around 30 hours at a gas station, and another 50 or so hours devoted to my Northern Illinois Sports Beat website. The rest of the time seems like I'm sleeping. No wonder why I don't have a girlfriend. I'm too busy for a girlfriend.

I have been working almost constantly since my freshman year of high school, ten years ago. I've had three major gaps in employment since then: 10 months between the Gazette and Crest Foods, 7 months between stints at Shell, and 2 months between BP and my first stint at Shell. These gaps have been sealed by work on NISB or college newspapers.

My jobs have doomed my relationship chances.

No wonder why many young sportswriters are single.

I don't have enough time. In order to sustain a relationship with a woman, you NEED to have the time for her. Women demand this (and perfection - which is another debate for another time, and money - ditto).

Right now my potential relationship chances are limited to those who have the same passion as I do (high school sportswriting). There's none of that around northern Illinois.

Creating time can broaden that scope.

Great, not only do I have to shed pounds but shed time as well. That starts with merging "profession" with "job" - which is something potentially in the works as I write this. As well as limiting and maintaining a house of my own in an efficent manner.

If I am unable to create time, there may be a Steve Carell movie made about me ...