This May Be My Last Entry

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.30.21

Over the years I have mastered (kind of) the art of communicating in writing.

Communicating in writing is the only thing I am able to do in order to maintain any form of continual conversation.

Because I suck at talking. And it makes me sad.

Writing is the only way I can express my true feelings without looking dumb.

However, when I write, I don't know who or what my audience is. The only way I know is if they make reference to the things I write about.

I write because I can't talk.

I sort of lost that ability. Ask my classmates. Ask my family. Ask my co-workers. Ask my journalism colleagues. Ask the athletes and coaches that I interview, whom have to listen to me stutter my questions out.

Here's why:

I actually DO have the ability to say words and ramble on and on and on and on ...

However, deep inside I am always afraid of the response that I will be getting as a result of my rambling on and on. While I am letting my steam loose through my mouth, I am saying to myself at the same time, "does he/she really care about what I'm talking about?"

So I don't talk.

What's on my mind? Recently it has been about love and girls. Recently it has been about life living in a home all by myself. Recently it has been about issues in high school sports, such as transfers and such. Recently it has been about the battle of losing weight.

I could call up a friend that I have trusted for a long, long time and ramble on and on, but eventually I tell myself "no" because I worry about the response.

While I'm talking about all of that, I eventually find myself getting nervous and tense. This is because I feel awful about making this moment of conversation about myself and not the other person(s). That's when I have to find the segways.

I can do that with older people. But I can't seem to do that with people my age, whom I know more of than people not my age.

Perhaps its because I can't relate to them. I've watched as they get together and have parties and such. They are able to feel free and have a good time, like a tornado all over the place. I, on the other hand, worry about embarassment and my overall image and reputation. I don't want that to be bad, but at the same time if I don't ham it up constantly there is still no reputation to speak of.

I think the qualities that other people believe I have are the willingness to do anything asked of me, and my heart of gold. Someone once said of me that my heart of gold makes me one of the strongest men they've ever known.

While I can most certainly write, I think its time to start working on my conversation abilities.

Better yet, I need to get out more. I don't have cable, and NIU will be playing in the Orange Bowl soon - I wonder where I can go to watch it with friends? My house is always open, as long as my green car is parked out front.

It's about time I start talking more and writing less. Thus, this may be my final blog entry for a while.

Free spirit?