Enough Is Enough, And It's Time To Change

Cutter's Log - Special Entry

It bears repeating, but it's the truth. This has been a very difficult time for me.

One year ago, I considered myself to be at the bottom of my world. I was without a job, and it was difficult for me to find something up my alley. It was either try to fight through something I knew I couldn't do, or continue to hold out and wait to find light at the end of the tunnel.

It was at last year's IHSA football state finals when I felt renewed in a way. Or, at least I felt that way. It turned out to be a disaster for me personally, and during the summer I had to put on the brakes and start all over again. I rambled for 30 minutes on a video about how things were going to change on NISB, and put a plan in place for this year.

I'm still trying to recover from that seven-month period that I was out of work. Then I got an opportunity I couldn't pass up: my own house.

For years I had tried to multi-task things and be flexible. I am now coming to the realization that this is putting a pain on me. There is simply too much to do right now. Managing a home – something that I have to do for the rest of my life – is becoming more and more of a priority. Factor in my real job into this and there's literally little time to devote to things that I need to focus on.

This gives me a headache when trying to do that and keep a commitment to a website that I consider my presence in the high school sports scene and news media scene.

Fighting some back pain, a minor headache, some stomach issues, a questionable transmission in my car, little sleep from working on Black Friday, and maintaining a small budget, I went down to Champaign on Friday to go cover Stockton, Alleman and Morris in the football finals. As I was drving down I-74 from Bloomington, I had to fight myself to keep awake. I may have run a stop light on Neil Street, I don't know.

Trying to open the door at Gate 10 at Memorial Stadium was quite a task. I fell over as the wind held the door shut. Turns out I was one of the first media guys in the press box. Nowhere to take a nap. I needed one. So I kept awake, knowing I was sick and was going to try to muscle it all out up until the end of Alleman's game. I ran into a couple of friends, and I had to get up to talk to them because I was too out of it to maintain a conversation.

Covering Stockton's game was a bit too much for me and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I couldn't keep this up any longer and left at halftime back to my hotel room ... in Bloomington. As I went down the elevator I bumped into to Matt, who's in charge of the media. I said something and I can't remember what I said. I needed help to push out the Memorial Stadium door. After sitting in my car for a few minutes I slowly made my way back to Bloomington: through I-57 to I-74 and going maybe 55 miles per hour on the right lane with the cruise on. I had booked the hotel in Bloomington because all of Champaign was full, and stupid me didn't think of LeRoy or Mahomet.

I got the the hotel and I must have said “I have an appointment” because the lady there mentioned that when I checked out. I had enough in me to find the room, but not before falling up the stairs. I plopped on the bed and lied there for a while. I woke back up some time later and just lied there with my eyes open.

It was 3 p.m. maybe? All I could do was get on my phone and watch the Facebook feed come and go. I felt a little better, and for a brief moment thought I could race back down to Champaign to cover Alleman's game. But then it came to me that it wouldn't be fair to those from Stockton that I covered the other two and not theirs. I even pulled the plug on the Morris game. (Now I find out my teams were 0-3 this weekend. Sorry guys.)

All while lying there, staring up at the ceiling, I wondered why was all of this happening to me?

Well, I took on way too much, for starters. I felt like I HAD to be in Champaign and it was my duty to be there, regardless of whatever condition I was in. I didn't volunteer to work Black Friday at the gas station, and didn't quite know how to handle this, and the Thanksgiving gathering the day before. It was a long string of things in a row, and I failed at it. While working Black Friday at the gas station was a blast (a couple of friends of mine even brought over some food), this whole experience was a disaster and perhaps even an embarrassment.

While going in that thought pattern, I thought back to my car accident I had outside of Lacon in February. I was en route to the Varna Midland sectional semifinal in girls basketball (the game was between Marquette and Wethersfield) when my car slid into a ditch. I told the Marshall County Sheriff to tow my car to Henry and asked if he drive me over to Midland High. I called my dad to pick me up, all the way from Sterling. I was dead set on covering the other sectional semifinal between Annawan and Hinckley-Big Rock (two programs that I enjoyed covering that year) and did NOT want to miss this game. My dad ended up dropping me off in Henry to get the car, and then drove over to Midland to cover the game.

My parents chided me throughout the week and told me that this was not commitment, but stupidity; and that I should have taken care of these problems before covering more games. I had the Thursday final on my agenda, too, but wound up giving that assignment to Bill. That alone told me to not head back to cover Alleman on Friday night.

Taking care of problems became the dominant thought of the whole hotel stay. The “biggest” problem that I have right now is my health and wellness.

I have constantly found myself wearing out after coming back from covering games. In other words, I didn't have the gumption to write the article when I walked in the house. The first thing I would do is fall asleep. Combine that with a poor diet, and all hell happens. My lack of concentration and lack of commitment has caused me to abandon many projects I had lined up for this fall sports season. I'd work the sidelines at football games and the media tables at volleyball matches, but not put things together either at all or in a timely manner. I started to realize this after the weekend I had at State Volleyball with Keith, Dakota, Riverdale and Richmond-Burton (and how forever it took for me to write these articles), and putting off coverage I did for the Morris-Sacred Heart-Griffin football semifinal.

All that and juggling around a house.

I already had a hiatus already. It would feel foolish to have another one. However, after thinking about it, if I continue to go forward I am just going to get worse.

So I'm announcing another hiatus from the website. An indefinite one.

Well, not totally indefinite. I still plan on writing the occasional column whenever I get the chance. I'm just taking a break from traveling to games and sitting through them. My concentration is not there, and I feel that I should be at the top of my game in these situations. I am not. I don't want to give my area sub-par coverage because my area doesn't deserve that.

340 is unthinkable for someone my height and someone my age. Goal No. 1 is 300 and I can start to pick up the work from there, but only lightly.

Right now, my mind is on trying to get my health and wellness in order.

As I am writing this, my back is killing me. I can't stand up straight. I have to work tonight. That's real important money I'm missing out on if I call off.

Why is my back killing me? Probably because of my weight. This has been an ongoing problem for years. I thought I had it tackled a couple of years ago, when I dropped 40 pounds from my then-highest weight I had been. So much for that. I can stand to lose, I don't know, 150??

Trying to lose weight on a budget is very tough. I am not at the point financially to spend money on a program and be committed to it. Plus, fasting does not help. Eating right is a problem, especially when on the fly because of tight time commitments. I think the first thing I need to do is get my time management in order – making a plan and sticking to it to a T.

There's a running topic on the Turk's Place message board that is devoted to weight loss challenges. It's called the “Fat Man Challenge.” It's motto is “Do More, Eat Less.” I'll post my introductory topic later.

My weight is the root of whatever problems that I have. I can't fix my autism. But I can fix my weight. I have listened to people say just how great they feel after being lighter. They can move more, they can do more, they feel great and think they can do anything in the world. That's where I aspire to be.

“You know that fat kid from school, he's lost a lot of weight,” – I can name a few people that fall under that statement. Not me, unfortunately.

I need look no further than the people I've been around. I have seen many classmates drop a bunch of weight and I know that they have never felt better in their lives. I'm going the opposite direction. They were in the same boat as I was when it came to finding a significant person in their lives. While they have felt better and feel happy in this regard, I have felt worse and felt sicker.

I have rambled on and on over the years about how unlucky I am at love. I feel that me being unhealthy has caused most of my aspirations to fall to dust. Sure, I have aimed high. People have criticized me for that. But the more I think of it, I'm glad I aimed high because it sets the standard for where I need to be. I choose to learn from my failures. I can't aim high at the same targets now, since much time has passed since those days.

My weight has affected my social life. Then it has affected my ability to perform my sports journalism duties. I can't continue to go forward like this.

I think that as I get lighter, more great things will come to my life.

I want to be that “Super Cody” that can do anything and everything, breaking out of the big shell that is the current me.

Of course, this goes against a belief that many people have told me over the years of, “Don't change who you are.” However, I have no choice. If I continue to go on the route I am going, I don't think I'll live for much longer. I need to do this to survive.

It's the “me” that should have been me a long time ago. With the love and caring still a part of me always.