Did It Nearly Come To An End?

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.50.60
Current Song - Hold Me Now (Thompson Twins)

This past weekend marked my comeback to normal high school sportswriting after a two-and-a-half month hiatus.

I needed this break because many things in my personal life were out of order. During this break, I had only attended two softball games. Both were Sterling vs. Rock Falls. The key word here is "attended." I didn't cover these games, thus didn't pay attention to any important details.

Covering Milledgeville and St. Bede softball at State this year was my first time ever seeing these particular teams. I had never covered a St. Bede softball game EVER, and the last time I covered a Milledgeville Softball game was in 2006. But these two teams are a part of my coverage area, and so I set out to cover their time at State.

I struggled mightily.

One, I'm not used to standing up to cover a softball or a baseball game. I usually bring my lawn chair and plop it down next to the fence behind home plate. The Milledgeville semifinal game was played on the alternate diamond, where there is no press row.

Since it was my first softball game, I had to refamiliarize myself with my own softball stat templates. That, and hold an umbrella at certain times when the papers got wet. Plus this new thing called Twitter that apparently everyone else is using. Juggling a pen, clipboard, camera, umbrella and a cell phone while standing up to cover a softball game is not fun.

To make matters worse, the second game I was supposed to be covering (St. Bede's semifinal) started in the middle of the Milledgeville semifinal.

Disaster after disaster after disaster.

I ended up Tweeting the final score wrong on the Milledgeville semifinal as 10-2. It was 10-3. When a fellow reporter pointed that out to me, I was beyond embarassed.

I didn't know what to think of myself as I was struggling to get through the rest of the St. Bede game, and then on my way back to my hotel room.

This weekend was turning into a disaster and an embarassment at the same time.

It only got worse for me during the state title game.

Me and another reporter were asked our "Picks to Click" for who was going to hit the first homerun for Milledgeville in the title game. Gee, I didn't know. I had only seen Milledgeville once, but felt like I had to say something to try to show that I was alert.

My choice: "No one."

It confused and baffled the rest of press row, and I was reminded twice that Milledgeville "digs the long ball." Sure enough, Milledgeville hits two homers in the first two innings.

While I was certainly happy for Milledgeville with the two bombs, I couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. I embarassed myself in front of my own sportswriting colleagues, who thought I was absolutely dumb to make that kind of prediction.

Then I had one of those over-the-top moments: I imagined my sportswriting colleagues making fun of me and trying to push me out of the profession, saying that my time has come to an end. After all, in today's horrible journalism field job security, sometimes we all feel like we are against ourselves when it comes to fighting for our jobs.

I feel they're trying to push me out because I am young and have already developed my own style and own following.

When the rain hit, I went into the upstairs press box while the other reporters were attached to their respective team's every parking lot move.

At 6:45 p.m. I decided to go on a walk. Milledgeville was set to resume at 8:15.

****

I took the sidewalk from the press box all the way to where it came to an end: at the visiting dugout of Diamond 5. It is a little kids' diamond with a covered dugout and a steel bench.

I sat down on the bench, and was alone from the rest of the world.

Tears started rolling down my eyes.

Nine years ago at this very place was the assignment that I considered my greatest and most memorable. I was working for Sauk Valley Media as an 18-year-old part-timer covering my friends from Rock Falls in the Class A finals.

Nine years later, I was falling completely flat as a trusted high school sports journalist.

I had thought back to those 2004 finals. I knew everyone on that team. Everyone. I could tell you what Whitey's batting average was without looking in the program. I could tell you how many innings Korb pitched on the entire season. Et cetera.

Whatever happened during those three (at the time) finals games, I could easily write about. Even when they went 20 innings with Warrensburg-Latham, it was an easy story to write when it came to the mood and feel.

I knew the Rock Falls girls from 9 years ago, and covered half of their games for either the newspaper or for the website. I grew up with them.

I didn't know anyone from Milledgeville, or St. Bede this year. And here I was trying to act as if I knew them, and had covered them throughout the year when I really hadn't. Everyone else on press row knew them, and knew them well. That's because they had been covering their games for a long time and kept up-to-date about them.

I don't get around to seeing these teams, coaches and athletes every day. That goes for almost every team that I have written an article on since starting this website. I have to re-introduce myself to most of the coaches every year if I don't see them at least five times (save a few that actually remember me somehow). This is where my communication disabilities factor in, and it kind of hurts me more.

This puts me at a terrible disadvantage compared to the other guys. It kind of hurts when people ask me questions about a team, or someone on a team, and I am unable to answer the question accurately for them. This leads to a domino effect that would eventually hurt my journalism career.

My journalism career was a sitting duck while I hung my head down low in the Diamond 5 dugout.

I had already committed to covering the 2013-14 school year. But then I thought about the possibility of that being my last. Ever.

I thought about all of the things that covering high school sports all these years has effected me. Massive amounts of money had been spend on fuel to see different worlds and different personalities. The time it takes to devote myself to keeping my beloved trade has certainly impacted my social life.

Not to mention my love life. That was deader than my social life, or my professional life. I couldn't help but think about trading my journalism career for a chance to know what true love is all about (ie. finding a girlfriend, keeping her, loving her, marriage, kids, etc.).

Maybe I would have a chance to hang out with people when I'm not working. Actually have a social life for a change. Have some life in me, instead of having this dark cloud hang over me at all times.

The possibilities of actual happiness - what I certainly am not getting now with what I'm doing between sports and Shell - seemed like a dashed dream to me at that point.

One of the lowest points in my journalism career was suddenly halted by a loudspeaker test coming from the press box.

"Test 1, 2, 3."

At that point, one ear was back to the main softball diamond, and another was tuned into my wandering mind.

Everything I had been thinking about for the past 45 minutes was starting to turn blurry. Then came the announcement at 7:30 that the Milledgeville game was declared official and that the Lady Misssiles were the Class 1A State Champions. And that the trophy presentation would begin immediately at the backup diamond.

I promptly took my backpack and headed to the diamond to do my job once more.

It was a nearly two-hour drive for me from East Peoria back home to Sterling. Along the way, I couldn't help but think about the possibility of that game actually resuming.

If all restarted at 8:15, that would have meant another 45 minutes of me pondering the future of my journalism career. Who knows what could have been thought of if that announcement wasn't made.

That could have been my last game. Ever.

But no, I am soldiering on to cover Sterling this weekend in Class 3A. I can only pray that things are much, much, much better for me this time around.

I don't want to go back to Diamond 5 and question myself again.