The Top 50 List - A Big Mistake

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.72.30
Current Song - You Dropped a Bomb On Me (The Gap Band)

Those that grew up with me know that I did some stupid things in school.

The "Top 50 List" of my favorite girls was the stupidest.

Looking back over 10 years after making these lists, I think it caused quite a few rifts among my classmates. I think the world would have been a little bit better if I hadn't made the lists. Making these lists was just an immature act that made me get attention in the wrong ways.

The whole concept started in 6th grade when some of the boys kept asking me who I liked. Then it turned into "who do you like more?" Thus the list began.

Why did I keep making them? I struggled with verbal communication in regard to such, but writing it down was the only way to make things known.

Really, the only spots that mattered were 1-20. The latter 30 was just a mix of girls that weren't in my top 20, but I felt like I needed to include them for the sake of being considered in some way. Problem was, there were more than 50 girls in my middle school class.

The process was simple: The girl I liked the most was #1. And so on. You moved up or down on my list based on whether you were nice to me or not.

Oh, I made severe omissions and bad rankings on some. But that was because I didn't know who they were at the time. Once realizing that, I felt guilty making these lists all of the time, but I continued to keep doing it.

Some wondered when I was going to make the next "Top 50 List," and thus I would hastily put one together when pressure mounted.

I made them whenever I could, or whenever my heart was feeling it. I always told myself that if I were to ever hook up with a girl, I would end this Top 50 list for good. I struggled with "getting girls" in middle school, while seeing several of my friends engage in "relationships" over that time. Some boys had at least 5 girlfriends, and some girls had at least 5 boyfriends. However, they were far from any negative word that describes such people.

I've been confronted quite a bit about "positioning" on the list. Much had to do with girls wondering why they were ranked lower than this other girl. And I had to try to explain it in the sheepish way possible. In addition, there were a few girls that most of my friends didn't think were worthy of even top 25 but I put them in there. It was because of their misconception that looks meant more than niceness, which is truthfully the opposite.

There was one girl who was obsessed about "movin' on up" on the list. She got to as high as #11. Others were pleased with how high they were: One girl signed "#6" in my 8th grade yearbook. Others anxiously awaited that #1 spot: One girl signed my 8th grade yearbook with "am I #1 yet? call me when I am!"

Only 8 girls have ever held the #1 spot: Amber, Sarah, Sarah, Jennie, Jenna, Michelle, Brittany and Carly. I can think of five others that got as high as #2.

The "Top 50" List was just another middle school fad, just like colored highlights in hair, battles over chewing gum in class, teacher impersonations, RESPECT, etc. But this one likely did more harm than good. Toward the end of 8th grade, I quit doing the list because I was starting to realize that.

Actually, Mr. Douglas helped me put an end to it.

Apparently all of the teachers knew about me making a list, discussing it in the teacher's lounge and such. That's probably why most of the teachers there didn't care for me. So, natrually, as educators, they try to find a way to make me stop writing these lists. Mr. Douglas found that list in the hallway, or while passed in class. I guess it got to a breaking point in the teacher's circles.

He pulled from his desk a crumpled up list and asked me if this was mine. He then found a way to persuade me to stop making the lists. He wasn't angry about it, but addressed it to me well enough. I think he also told me about the negatives that I was causing by making these lists. It all made sense to me and I quit making the lists.

Natrually, I had moved on from such. The following years would bring more girls to my life, but with the understanding that putting them on a list would do no good.

10 years later, I had hoped that time itself would destroy the very existance of the "Top 50 List" from ever happening. Turns out people still remember it, and people will continue to remember it.

It is my hope that those who remember aren't still feeling the sting from my List creating a rift in friendships and such. If so, I know apologies won't do much, but I am sorry.