Trapped

Cutter's Log - Stardate 0102.11.21
Current Song - How Can I Be Sure (The Rascals)

I have been told I have a lot of potential. Ironically, if only I moved.

What's keeping me bogged down these past few years is a conflict between dreams, wants/needs, independence, money, morals, reputation, and many other things. It's like a large pile of wires that need straightened out. By "bogged down," I mean I'm not moving forward at all at this point in time. I would ask myself why everyone else can figure this out and I can't. It's the way I think, that's the answer. So I have to budge the way I think in order to get moving again.

I'd like to get moving again. Here's my story:

Right now I live paycheck-to-paycheck. The money I make at work goes toward fuel for the car, work on the car, bills, NISB, and the little shopping I do. The paycheck dries up in a hurry. Then comes the next paycheck, and that dries up in a hurry. I guess in a way this curbs my spending, and I won't eat as much as I should - and there goes the weight. But I still find myself stalling.

Take out the Shell gig and I'll have nothing, really. There's nothing open THAT I CAN ACTUALLY DO - journalism-related and non-related - that is paying more money that what I make at Shell at the moment. What I mean by "what I can actually do" is, I can't do something I don't like doing. This just keeps frying my mind and goals. Factory work tires me, I know this because I once tried it and didn't last a whole shift before I walked out. I guess my eye-hand coordination is shot. It's too bad nothing high school sports journalism-related that I can actually do is open - this would merge working and hobbying into one with time to spare.

So meanwhile, I'm stuck here not going forward yet. What's it going to take to fix this mess?

I don't think I can start alone. I want support. That I have from my closest family. What else? Perhaps the key to unlocking this trap door is establish some sort of social life?

A couple of weeks ago I blogged about how I couldn't seem to enjoy things socially. How bad has it been? It has been so bad, that I am slurring and bungling my words from not speaking so much. That may be changing. There are four good friends of mine I have met in the past year though high school sports. I don't know how they look at me, but I look at them as good friends that I apparently do not annoy. Three of them help me out on the writing part of the website, and the other has in the past. I just hope I can maintain these friendships, or even expand on them or expand on the number of friends I have.

There's this feeling that friends, and support from these friends, lead to confidence in doing things. I don't think I have much confidence at this time. But with friends, that's something that can be worked on.

Off to listen to a radio show that I should be listening to every week at this time.