A State of Flux

Cutter's Log - Stardate 0102.11.80
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)

I was reminded today that I'm not faring so well in this battle versus the real world.

I was reminded today that I think I have a case of a mixture of solitude, depression and lonliness.

Between work, high school sports, and the battle to live a normal life, today I find my mind in a scramble.

A blah day at work was followed by a nap, looking at a state atlas, dinner, another nap, news and Leno, reading a book, and typing this. I did nothing else other than this.

The effort to communicate better isn't going so well. I would like to share an example of my failure to communicate:

On Monday afternoon, I traveled to a golf meet in Rockford. I was going to cover it, but had to be back in Sterling at a certain time. I park at the course parking lot. I had to think of a plan for a couple of minutes: okay, I'm going to go inside, try to find someone important and ask him/her when the meet's going to end. I exit my car thinking as if I'm breaking out of a huddle.

I walk in the clubhouse and find a bunch of people. I don't know any of them. Nobody looked too important, and they were all engaged in discussion. Rather than rudely interrupt the conversations, I walked outside and thought of a Plan B.

Plan B, as odd as it is, was to call the clubhouse and ask someone. I'm thinking, they have to answer the phone and I'll finally get my answer. I can't just say, when's it going to end. I called the clubhouse and disguised my voice as if I were someone older. I told them I couldn't reach my son, who's playing in the meet, and I wanted to know when things were going to wrap up (it wasn't going to wrap up in time for me to report to work).

That is what I did.

Years of not engaging in general conversation had made me sort of forget HOW to converse.

I write this stuff here because I don't know who will WANT to listen to me.

When I was out of work from the summer of '05 to the fall of '06, I was told that getting a job would help me interact. It has, a little bit. Four years later, I find myself as an afterthought in customer-clerk conversation when another clerk is in the store. They'll acknowlegde my presence, and then converse with the off-duty clerk.

They say converstation starters are things such as the weather, gas prices, weird items (especially the large beef jerky), and the Gazette. "It's nice out." "It's cheaper in Dixon." "that's a HUGE piece of beef jerky!" "Sheley's on the front page, AGAIN." These are things that I can only concur. I can't really find that connecting point to extend the conversation. I do succeed in finding it at times, but they are repetitive.

So if it's communication, it's generic communication. I deeply hate that.

I can't even find a conversation starter when it comes to classmates and high school friends from both Sterling and Rock Falls. What HAVE I been up to? I feel as if I want to tell the entire story of my life post-graduation. At the same time, I realize they don't have TIME to hear everything. So I try to abbreviate it in the form of "still working and writing."

We have our Five-Year Class Reunion this Saturday. I kind of know what everyone's up to because I'm Facebook friends with a bunch of classmates. Speaking of Facebook, I only have about 140 friends. I'm not going to engage in some sort of popularity contest of who has the most friends. The 140orso people are those people who are important to me.

I guess when I try to be respectful, I don't often succeed.

So that's how my lack of conversation fails me at work.

I truly feel that if I had more time to spend with high school sports maybe my communication in that area would improve. Maybe I would have a stronger inner circle (more about that later). I guess you can say vice-versa with Shell. Also, sometimes I think that my desire to be involved more with sports friends kind of turns off my Shell co-workers. Like customers, I can't seem to find a connection to a conversation piece with my co-workers, and it seems as if we don't work together well. It hurts a lot.

My lack of communication also fails me when it comes to my career: high school sports journalism. I was reminded during this past spring season that what I do and who I cover has hindered my communication ability. How?

My coverage area is the combined coverage areas of about 10 different daily newspapers. My coverage schedule and dedication time only allows me to stay in touch with the top of the top. In a newspaper's coverage area, I could only tell you about the top two teams. I hear all these writers talk about all of their teams, and it blows me away. It should NOT blow me away. It sure makes me look dumb.

In knowing a lot about all of their teams, the writers it seems are in more constant contact with coaches and players outside of the sports event. I like to refer to this as an "Inner Circle" of sorts. If I had one of my own, it currently would be a very weak one with only a few coaches. Constant contact is something that's being preached to journalists these days. That's something that I cannot excel in.

Then fix it. Establish constant contact.

That's when the respect factor comes in. I know people have a lot more on their minds than wanting to be an interview subject for a website that's looking for some popularity. I'm so AFRAID that it will turn into stalking, that I shy away from constant contact with coaches. I tell myself that this is prepatory sports and not professional sports, and coaches are teachers first.

I guess when I try to be respectful, I don't often succeed.

There is still a lot of places to explore in the high school sports scene. Working at the Shell station, I feel very stuck in the same loop of disappointment when it comes to communication. However, as I have mentioned time and time again, Shell is where I'm making my money and NISB is where I'm just trying to keep my career going. What would make this much better is that coveted journalism job.

Establishing a knack for simple conversation leads to friends, friends lead to having girlfriends, and so on.

As for right now, all I can do is dream.