I just couldn't do it tonight

Cutter's Log - Stardate 8002.01.80
Current Song - That's The Way of The World (Earth, Wind and Fire)

I struggled mightily at Shell tonight to the point where I thought about throwing it all away. The demands are tighter, and that's likely due to my lack of everything. While I was contemplanting all of this, it made me realize how much I missed working at the newspaper, my dream job. I have regrets about how I managed to leave, but it was for the best.

It's like sports reporting is the only thing that I CAN do. But the newspaper doesn't want me back. I'm a huge thorn on their sides. I'm the running joke, the flop, the devil that irritates them - all of which because I happen to disagree with philosophy. It's my own fault. I've caused too much hell that I can never go back. Knowing that I can never go back hurts me because that's my dream job, and for one day to rise to the top of the totem pole of the department. That's my own fault, and there's no one but myself to blame.

It's not that I don't like the philosophy of the staff; in fact, I think it's a good one . I just don't think I could do that. I'd rather write something simple and understanding rather than making it literature. They can do that. They can do very, very good at that. It's not wrong. There's no wrong way to write a story. It's just that I don't want to do that. I think my style is okay.

But journalism is a business. If my philosophy is not good for their business, then I can't do it. We're two different worlds. Maybe one day our two worlds can get pulled together for the best interests of all involved.

As I journey to the twilight of the Shell sun, I can only hope that I can find a way to love living a lot more than I am now.