Welcome To My World

Cutter's Log - Supplemental

I had a life-changing experience almost three years ago. In half a minute, the billions of questions I had asked to myself over the years during school were answered. The day I found out I had been living with Asperger's Syndrome for the past 15 years was and will always be a very important day in my life.

The billions of questions I asked in school looked like this:

Why can't I talk to anyone?
Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me?
Why do I feel like I'm a ghost everywhere I go?
Will they listen to me if I talk?
Do they care about what I'm saying?
Why am I not entitled to love this girl?
Do others control my love destiny?
Why can't I choose who I like to go out with?
Why can't I choose who I like to hang out with?
Does family wealth really matter in school popularity?
Are football athletes really entitled to everything?

Then it expanded into work situations:

Just why do I have to do what is asked of me?
Why do I feel like I'm being treated like a pawn for your growth?
Why do people say that things "are done for a reason," and not say why?

... all to a point where I feel like I cannot continue to work for anyone anymore. The only thing they'll do is use me as a pawn. This is more typical, IMO, of the journalism industry. They're struggling and worrying more about their importance than anything. I've taken a stance (or heading toward it) on NISB that I don't want to worry about how popular I am amongst other media outlets, as long as I am doing my job and making people happy.

I did that at BP: just doing my job and making people happy. I never wanted to give a rats ass about how important the gas station was, or what I was doing to make the station compete with Johnson's or Mobil. My job is to serve the people, and not to serve the business.

Immediately, bosses who read the above statements are not likely to hire me. That's the unfortunate way business is: everyone wants to compete with another for absolute supremacy. The only companies that value their employees are those who are squashing competition and have no one to compete with.

Here's another thought about me in the workplace. I believe that my Asperger's is the reason why I am a loose cannon. At PSO I was once berated for being a loose cannon. I was ordered to follow suit, even though I was in disagreement. My disagreements with PSO are legendary. I didn't want to follow the company line at the Gazette, which led to me leaving. Crest Foods was just a problem with my ego, that I deeply regret. I felt like I was above others because I was on a track toward success, while everyone else was a temp worker. Then I disagreed with management at BP.

I have a feeling that if I go anywhere, I'm going to disagree with something. I value myself very well. I don't feel like I am a pawn for you.

But at the same time I am running out of money, and could be forced once again to act as a pawn for something or someone.