Trying to Find Closure

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.02.80
Current Song - Take a Bow (Madonna)

In trying to ease away memories of my past, I remembered a note written on the back of a picture.

That note referred to a letter that I wrote. I remember writing it, about what I thought of her and how much she meant to me. Something this well-thought-out had to take me a while to write. Draft after draft after draft after draft ...

I wanted to perfect them to make that lasting impression. "Them" meaning I wrote to more girls at the same time.

Somehow I remembered saving a copy of the letter to the girl in my photo, as I typed them all up.

I'm looking back at this letter and thinking, "DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?!?!?!?"

The letter opens with the word "dearest" in the greeting. DEAREST? I wrote that? Wow.

I had to read the letter line-by-line with a piece of blank paper covering the rest of the copy. The first paragraph seemed simple until writing about eternity "together." I wrote that? Wow.

Starting the second paragraph, I'm telling myself, "No. I did NOT send this! I had to have edited it somehow!!"

It's funny though, in the 2nd paragraph I predicted - 7 years ago - that without her I would live a lonely life. Well I guess I was right on that part. Not her fault, though.

I used the word "baby" in describing her (between commas). I wrote that? Wow.

I wrote that I would change myself. Well, so much for that 7 years later.

"Love always and forever, Cody"

No. No. No. I didn't send this copy. I couldn't have. The fear would have been too much. But if I did, I guess nothing negative happened as a result.


***

I wrote the letter knowing that the chances of seeing all of each other again would be slim as we went forward with our lives after high school. There was no gel keeping all of us together in person anymore, unless a reunion was possible.

But there's really no drift right now as the closeness still remains the same. Sure, we're all moving forward, and when we do so, we move further and further away from our past.

That's what I'd like to do. No, not completely forget the memories, but keeping the friendships alive and putting the dreams into history - for the sole purpose of looking back and laughing about it later.

I think this is it now. This should have been stated a few years ago, but why now I just don't know.

I think this is it now.

She - in the "dreams and romance" form only - is out of my mind.

Moving on now ...


***

We now move to someone else.

She has just as much meaning to my life as the girl I just mentioned. But this one was a few years before.

When I was first feeling moments of disappointment and self-doubt, this particular girl was the image that lifted me up. This was fifth grade, and I had just moved to Sterling.

She never got a letter just before high school graduation. But the more I think of it now, she should have.

When you're the new kid, you get tested and a paper trail forms of you based on so little. I was a little awkward, and they let me know about it in some very bad ways. (Knowing all of the presidents of the United States backwards was awesome at Merrill, but nerdy at Lincoln. Why, I don't know.)

But there was one girl that I saw heart from. She remained the influence of all things good for the rest of our school days together. I did my best to show her how much I loved, cared and respected her.

I kept her 5th grade Valentine to me. It was of Piglet and Eeyore, with my name written just above Eeyore and her name just above Piglet. The white envelope had "Cody" written on it with "XOXOXO" written above and to the side. The bottom of the envelope had little hearts and she circled the group of hearts with her pencil.

I had a crush on someone for 4 years at Merrill. But this feeling at Lincoln was so much different, and deeper.

When I wrote about not being able to say the words "I love you" to any girl since 7th grade, she was one of those girls that I actually DID say those words to ... back in fifth grade. I looked back at my school days just as I was walking in the high school graduation procession and suddenly realized that I - the more grown-up version of me - wasn't able to tell her "I love you" and exactly why I loved her.

I still haven't.

I don't know what the reaction would be. My guess is negatively. She thinks I'm from the weird pile, and probably prefers that I stay there for the rest of her life.

When it comes to finding closure and getting her - in the "dreams and romance" form - out of my mind, I have to take another step.

I've got another letter in the works. After that, it's just a matter of getting it to her, wherever she is.

And when that happens, I think I can move forward just a little bit more quicker.

As for friendships, my hand's out. Where's her's?