Fantasy vs. Reality

Cutter's Log - Supplemental

Earlier I wrote about what were the fantasies in my life. I guess it's built like this, but each fantasy has a cooresponding reality.

These cooresponding realities were the ones that tried to throw a leash at me when I was too busy thinking about these fantasies.

If you didn't quite digest the earlier Blog entry, the two things of "perfection" were two girls that I know. So there exists two "leashes" in my life as well.

These "leashes" know those that represent my "perfections" very well. They often act as protectors.

There have been moments when I tried to get out of my shell and declare and express my feelings toward them. Unfortunately, these moments were percieved as "wrong" and "scary." These leashes got in my way and told me to stop it.

Four moments exist in my life where I was lassoed away from focusing on what I considered fantasy.

1. I had a crush on this one girl in 5th grade. I was still someone not so much familiar to everyone else, as I was the new kid in school. When somebody you don't know a whole lot about ("paper trail") has a crush on you, your best friend comes to the rescue. Her best friend slapped me around and told me pretty much, that's not how you do things.

2. I had a crush on another girl in 7th grade. I still consider this one the closest thing to a perfect relationship, but it never worked. I had never felt like this before, therefore I did things I never did before. I bought a rose. I think I maybe wrote a poem. I struggled to think of a No. 2 on my Top 50 list because this feeling was so strong. I did everything in my power, except make that one tough request. This was the only time I ever asked a girl out. She said no.

The next day, apparently word spread around that I actually asked a girl out. It wasn't looked at as the cheerful "Oh my God" feeling, but rather the weird "Oh my God" feeling. When I went to school that morning I was confronted by the same girl that slapped me around in 5th grade. I remember the exact words this time.

"Don't ever ask her out again!"

3. In high school, it became apparent that some girls knew that I had a crush on someone they knew well. The solution to this was to try to be non-agressive as much as possible. So one girl tried to push someone else in front of my love for this one girl. And I look at this girl that was presented to me and I'm like, "Okay. Who. Are. You?"

"I love you!" "I love you!" blah blah blah ...

Okay, I think I may be able to work this out. This is the one relationship* that I put an asterisk on. I just couldn't muster a GD thing in all of this. So not more than two hours after a planned meeting after a basketball game, I was informed by this girl that introduced me to her that she wanted to break up with me. Okay, I understand.

But the aftereffect was glaring. Why was this particular girl doing the all of the talking, instead of the girl that liked me?

4. That girl I mentioned in the first sentence in #3? She was within reach. All I had to do was execute the simple conversation connections and wait for the reaction. Turns out I did all of the WRONG things. Nothing was executing correctly. I was so frustrated that I went on a nonsense spell of writing in code, writing long stories and requests, blah blah blah.

Same girl that tried to push another girl in my way in #3 notices this. This ICQ butt-chewing was so severe  to me that I was dazed and confused when it came to love for a very long time.

***

After this 4th instance I looked back at the other three. These two girls that tried to set me straight, put a leash around me, took me away from what I wanted. I was SO ANGRY at them for a LONG time.

As I grow older, I look back at this anger and understand it all now. I am no longer angry at these two. In fact, I commend them for bringing me back down to Earth. I had never known stronger people in my life, and they weren't afraid to kick my ass.

You two know who you are. Digest this however you want. I can't thank you enough for providing this balance, and I will use these experiences to make myself a better person.