Current Song - Take a Chance on Me (ABBA)
I have a hard time saying "I love you" to a girl that I truly love. This pains me deeply.
That starts with the inability to make conversation - to ANYONE.
***
I am coming up on 6 years of working at gas stations, the thing that I'm doing until I find a real journalism job.
I spent the entire 2005-06 school year out of work, simply because I wanted to devote time to the website and try to find a job come the summer. Gas stations were not for me at the time. However, I think my dad's words resonated in my head come September: "Maybe you'll make, I don't know, new friends ..." (and he didn't say that nicely).
I guess the point he was getting at was that I would be able to talk more and make more conversation. Throughout middle school and high school, if you heard me talk it was a rare occurance. I would only talk when someone was talking to me.
That largely brought me back working again, at BP.
The "making new friends" part? It really didn't hit until I started working at Shell, where there is a table that people can sit around. Only as of late is that starting to come around.
What I CAN announce progress of is finding the connecting pieces to continue conversation. It's little progress, but is still remarkable. I'm still quiet, but when talked to, I am finding it easier to carry on the conversation through questions and digging through my related stories.
Lately, I have tried to use humor to prolong discussion. While I'm working the cash register, I'll sometimes make mistakes and I'll make light of this through either making fun of myself or turning the mood into a fun one. Just as long as I don't do this on purpose.
While I feel that I have improved in getting more words out of my mouth as a gas station clerk, I am still extremely struggling at interactions with people I know from school.
***
I feel when people I knew in high school (both students and teachers) stop by my gas station, they feel that I'm still the same person that I was in high school - one that rarely ever spoke in class and even at all. I can't quite talk to people that I know the same way that I talk to people that I don't know all that well.
That's what I'm trying to get out of.
Luckilly, I have maintained my network of friends from high school (and from both sides of the river). I guess my actions speak louder than my spoken words. In this day of age with Facebook, Twitter and text messaging, talking about people behind other's backs has become easier to do. Their visual memory of me is that of a silent person. Thus, when they see that this same person is not silent, something seems off.
While this would mark a lot of progress, I have this fear that when people notice me talking more that they'll tell all of their friends that something is not right (or that I may need medical assistance or counseling).
I also don't like initiating icebreakers to people that I already know: topics such as weather, gas prices, current news and the like. Then it seems like an obvious attempt at me trying to make conversation for the sake of saying that I can make conversation. Thus, it's all about "me" and not "you." I kind of fear that.
***
It's not like I don't talk because there's nothing on my mind. OF COURSE there is always something on my mind (why do you think I have this Blog?). For the past month, the topic of schooltime crushes on girls has been on my mind.
I could talk about this extensively, as well as high school sports-related topics. But what makes of afraid to speak about what's on my mind is when we are on opposite worlds. "Yeah, so what." and the fear of being unintersting or boring. I fear the awkwardness of a random subject.
I have found that my most comfortable way in engaging in converation with friends from school is about the PAST in the form of "remember when?" (This sounds like the SNL skit "The Chris Farley Show")
***
I feel weird when asking an obvious question. Likewise, I hate when questions that have obvious answers are asked to me.
Say a friend brings a boat to the gas station to top off its tank. Why should I be saying, "Are you going boating?" Well, duh, of course he is going boating.
When people look at a sign that says "out of order," why do they ask me if it is out of order? I have to roll my eyes at this. That's why I don't ask questions like this, as I may get the rolled-over look. They think I'm stupid or something.
Such questions can go 2 ways: an icebreaker or a stupid question. I can't find any gray area with this, and that's what makes me afraid to ask such questions.
***
Sometimes conversations can end abruptly. This happens when I say something to drain out the conversation process. In recent conversations, I often find myself looking for that quick exit to end the conversation. I don't really know why.
***
When it comes to starting an exchange, the question of "What's up?" is often posed. I get this question all of the time at work, and all I can think of is "not much." Sometimes I say "Good" as if I think they are saying "how are you?" when they are really not.
When I say "not much" it is used as an excuse to not engage in dialogue because I don't think the other person will understand what I'm talking about. If I literally went into detail about what was up with me, it would wreak of drama.
After 6 years of greeting gas station customers, it's turned into a habit. "What's up" is always met by "not much" without me thinking about it first. I guess this is may own fault.
***
As mentioned, I was very quiet in school and rarely initiated any conversation unless it was absolutely necessary. Thus, I could NEVER find it in me to make converational-based phone calls to fellow classmates like everyone else did.
The last time I made a conversational-based phone call to a classmate was in 7th grade. Yes, 7th grade.
Just before this, I had made the call to the girl I liked at the time - the one I gave a rose to at the school dance - and this featured the yes-or-no "going out" question.
Not too long after that I was involved with the Challand Talent Show. I was eventually kicked out of this show right in the middle of rehersal. Many of my classmates were excited that I was going to be a part of this: Seth, Pat, Corey, Nathan, Daniel, Ted, Cooper, Derek, Brian, etc. I was kicked out for saying "tampons" in an impersonation.
Rather than look like a fool come showtime - as they would have thought I chickened out at the last minute - I decided to call my friends up one-by-one and explain what happened. It was the first phone call they had ever gotten from Cody Cutter - ever. I remember calling Corey first, and then the rest seemed easy after that. I picked Corey because he was the most talkative, and I thought I could pick something up from that.
Since that time, I never really had a need to make phone calls to engage in conversational dialogue. The times just never happened.
This is because I eventually run out of things to say - and thus the conversation ends earlier than planned, and much to my extreme disappointment. I get so frustrated that I can't find a way to extend the conversation that the other person just walks away and moves on.
I can't simply wake up one day and call someone that I know from school. I just do not know what to say. I fear the randomness of the questions will just suck. Then the word gets out to the rest of my friends that I'm completely bad at it, and so on and so on.
This feeling is so much worse off today, when a good portion of my school friends have a married life with kids.
I would feel like a fool for interfering with their life out of the total blue. Another fear that makes me bad at conversation.
***
In order to have the confidence to move on to the next chapter in my life, I need this.
1 comment:
As someone with extreme introversion, I find that social situations are always awkward for me as well. I'd like to be the one that is able to always say the right thing, and smoothly know what to say next. I'm jealous when I see other people able to make easy conversation when I am struggling to give the right response to "How are you?". I hate phones and avoid phone conversations at all costs. Unless I'm around people that I'm extremely comfortable with, conversations are always cut short because I don't know what's supposed to come next. If I do find myself on the phone, I have to keep the "OK, well, talk to you later" from coming out immediately after I find what they're calling about. In the job world, this is something extremely difficult to deal with, but it sounds like you've found a job where casual conversation is all you're expected to do. You can find a few responses to the easy questions and stick with those answers. The difficult part comes with people you do know, but if you treat them like just another customer you'll be better off. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone else, and shouldn't worry about impressing anybody. The people you should really worry about pleasing are the people you care about, because they're the ones who will be sticking with you throughout your entire life, and they're the ones who care about what you're going through.
Have a fantastic day, and I hope that you don't let your reflection of the past become a reflection of yourself.
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