Danny Isn't Afraid To Tell The Truth, And I Am

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2012.81.80
Current Song - Love Is (Herb Alpert)


(WRITER'S NOTE: I re-read this after publishing it, and this has the capability of having people draw up conclusions of myself. The past is the past, and I am moving on ...)

Another alternative timeline moment: If I had done what my youngest brother Danny did during his freshman year, I would have been like him.

But no, I went off on another path which led to Rock Falls loyalties that a lot of my Sterling friends didn't like.

What Danny is, could have been me.

Danny and I are alike in the fact that we both have a mental condition: his is Tourette's Syndrome and mine is Asperger's Syndrome. We're both the larger brothers of the 4 Cutter boys. Him and I still live together at our parent's house so he is the brother I see the most.

There is one striking difference between Danny and I ... Danny is not afraid to tell the truth when it comes to speaking his mind.

It's too bad there are no examples of it on his Facebook timeline, but he used to (and probably still does) post messages on girls' timelines to the tune of "I like you, "You are HOTTTT," "10," and "You are so sexy," for example.

And the girls would say something positive about it!

My, how times have changed since when I was in school!!!

If I would have posted things like that in the form of ICQ messages or Expage website guestbook entries, I would have been kicked to the shed by an army of people: The girl I liked, the friends of the girl I liked, the parents of the girl I liked, the principal of the school, and perhaps the police.

Before Internet communication, the way it used to be was through writing on pieces of paper. ICQ didn't become popular until I was in 8th grade. I did the ol' "slip the note through the locker crack" thing twice in middle school.

The first time, 6th grade, resulted in a trip to the counselor's office. It was a misunderstanding: "I can't live without you" was supposed to be a poetic way of expressing love - not a suicide note.

The second time, 7th grade, resulted in many angry confrontations between her friends (both female and male) and I that what I did was wrong and I was an idiot for writing the following: "I love you. Sincerely, your secret admirer."

It was these two incidents that further buried my chances at ever going out with anyone to this point in time. Granted, I look back at these two notes and know now that I should never have written them.

However, the backlash was absolutely staggering.

The incident in 7th grade was just before I had a crush on another girl - the one that I came a "yes-or-no" away to going out with. I really loved her. None of this "beating around the bush" stuff was going to happen if I were to ever find true love. That's when I decided to give her a rose during one of our school dances. If anyone bitched to me about that, I don't think my sanity would ever be the same.

Luckilly, the whole rose thing worked. After that came the big question, to which she said "no." Then the next day one of her friends told me (as mentioned in the previous Blog entry) to "never ask her out again."

***

Ever since then, I have been afraid to tell the ones I love my true feelings about them. She was the last girl that I looked in the eye and told her "I love you." (It should be noted that I really have never told the one girl I went out with* that in person, just over the phone and on ICQ)

I had written "I love you" on occasion through greeting card and typed letter, but never verbally with eye-contact since 7th grade.

I have feared the same consequences that were dealt to me in the previous occasions.

I have feared the loss of my managerial duties with the SHS varsity sports teams, which would have been huge because I was being PAID for boys and girls basketball. I have feared the loss of respect between my coach Bruce and I, as he is a big reason for the start of my journalism career. I have feared that Sheila and Rich would have banned me from Rock Falls's campus because I was a Sterling student. I have feared the loss of respect between my Sterling friends and Rock Falls friends and myself.

I have feared the loss of my journalism dreams. I have feared my own demise.

I have feared a loss of friendships if I were to ever say "I love you." I don't know how everyone else did it, but for some reason if it came out of my mouth it was percieved as very unusual. I would, at times, continue to beat around the bush and never say it directly to those I loved.

And I'm not going to tell them that now. What's the point telling them that at one time I loved them?

This is also why I have never really revealed who I have ever had a crush on by name - I also don't name any names out of respect. The names are only known by those that have already known at the time.

So in this renewed sense of understanding myself more, I don't even know what to think.

If I were to ever say "I love you" to someone, two things can happen. 1) It will be embraced. 2) An army of people will kick my ass and a profile will be kept of me. I have seen #2 happen before. I have yet to see #1.

***

Saying those three words is a huge risk for me.

But it isn't for Danny.

And look at him ... he's very popular at SHS. He has actually been to Homecoming and Prom. I have never been to either. He was even a Court for one of those, and may have been (I have to ask him) in the running for Homecoming King.

(The closest thing to one of those that I ever got was RFHS Homecoming 2003, but I'm pretty sure this was all a joke to make me feel slightly happy. We had "arranged" it during the '03 softball season but it was quickly forgotten by volleyball.)

Danny does things and he isn't afraid to do them. I guess that's why so many people like him.

I'm very proud of my little brother. He could have very easily been in the same shell that I'm in now, since we are both alike uin many ways, but I'm glad that so many people lent their hands to him.