Friendships - The Longer, The Stronger

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.82.80
Current Song - Something About You (Level 42)

In an effort to quit thinking about the troubles of my past, I have to go back to it and figure out what NOT to think of. You can't change the past, but I've found out that you can tune some parts of it out.

The more "past" stuff you tune out, the easier it is to think ahead more than think backward.

I've been told a couple of important pieces of advice lately: Not to let the past define who you are; and not to change for anyone.

There are 2 versions of my past: The one I left behind in Rock Falls, and the one that was with me at Sterling.

I've written a lot on here about how great my past was at Rock Falls, and how it was not-so-much at Sterling. I look back at my fifth grade experience and socially I felt more sad and disappointed.

I feel that people looked at me in 5th grade differently, as opposed to Merrill. I was more reclusive because I just couldn't find a way to click with this new crowd. They saw all of my flaws on the outside, called it weird, and forever defined me based on this only. It's like they didn't want to know who I really was, or didn't have the time to.

That's why I constantly whine about wanting to go back in time and change it so that I didn't move. I know I can't do it, though.

There were 4 other new kids in my 5th grade class, 2 of them came in mid-year. I could only watch as Josh and Ryan were picked on and pushed over because of flaws. I looked at these moments and kind of figured that they were doing that to me, too.

They didn't have enough information to define me (except for two classmates that I once had at Merrill), and went by only what they knew. Via the melting pot theory, this is what people knew of me at Challand, too - and it stuck, with my Sterling classmates growing accustomed to this definition of me.

Sometimes I felt like taking an unorthodox approach to fit in, such as the Top 50 List. Each and every effort backfired and made me worse.

I may have moved away at the most inopportune time - 4th grade into 5th grade.

If only I could ask those that teach the higher grade of elementary school this:

1) Is it human nature for "new kids" in 4th and 5th grade to be defined based on so little?
2) Was I dealt a bad hand of classmates for 5th grade?

I'm trying to figure out if #2 was possible. Then I know what to tune out when it comes to my past. I know what I'm NOT tuning out for sure: those days at Merrill, Jefferson and Wallace. When I found myself very disappointed in Sterling, I ran away across the river. Everything was happy, and I couldn't quite figure out what made Rock Falls different from Sterling.

(Now, as I turn the tables on them for picking on me, I have to say that they are not bad people. They were just that way when it came to me, and me only)

When I got re-acquainted with my old friends from Rock Falls , their memory of me had ceased when I moved away after fourth grade. Therefore, they weren't influenced by this assumption bullshit that started in fifth grade.

I grew up with them. They knew exactly who I was. They told their friends of what I was like then, and based their conclusions of me from just that. And that's why I embrace them more.

Yes, I had flaws while growing up at Merrill, but at least my classmates there were able to see what kind of person I was inside.

I've found myself in larger and easier conversations with my Merrill classmates than anyone from Sterling. I've been fortunate enough to maintain these friendships and memories dating nearly 20 years, even if I only see them once or twice a month anymore.

Just before high school graduation, I paid a visit to Merrill. I had lost all of my yearbooks and class pictures from that time (But I still had my 1st grade Spelling book and Birthday Cards from my 2nd grade classmates - I was sick on my birthday). My third-grade teacher helped me out, as well as another teacher. They asked me why I was doing this. I told them that they (my classmates) were a part of my past that defined me and that I had great memories of. I wanted something - a reminder - to appreciate as I moved forward into college.

We grew up together. These were the people that I grew up with and have the fondest memories of. These people are the ropes that I want to hold on to as I move forward with my life.

That is, if these people are willing to let me keep in touch.