I Think I Now Know The Purpose of "Crushes"

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.61.80
Current Song - Love Hangover (Diana Ross)

When I look to find something I want, I strive to find perfection.

I found perfection.

That was years ago. While I found it, I could never quite come in possesssion of it.

To make matters worse, there were two of them.

I know what perfection is. I have seen it. Nothing else mattered. This was it. But I couldn't quite figure out the right way to form a union. And while time passes by, it gets harder and harder to possess this perfection. Then comes a time when it is outside of your grasp and is off-limits forever.

When this perfection goes away, the only interaction you have with it are the images that dance inside my head.

Problem is, they are dancing in my head and I can't get my mind off of it.

I have to get my mind off of it. There is no choice. Time has passed and life has gone on.

As I mentioned earlier, while at awe of this perfection nothing else mattered. While I was looking up at this perfection, crying eyes, crying for me, were either to the left or right or below me. I didn't see them. I refused to see them.

And I wonder why I'm in the predicament that I am in now.

If I just would have turned around, and saw what was around me.

I'm crying and kicking myself at the same time.

As someone who struggles with maintaining friendships, I can't afford to lose anyone I know. If only there was a way to fix this head-clog and keep a positive standing at the same time.

***

People have told me that only God knows every detail of your life from beginning to end. This must mean that God creates all of the "crush" situations.

I have had many, many crushes over the years. Counting even the most brief situation, I have had 20 crushes since sixth grade.

When I look back at them all, I can go back and find a way to turn these crushes into relationships. Of course, it is too late now. Perhaps God has blessed me with the quantity that I have had over the years. On top of that, perhaps God has blessed me with the quantity of girls that I have met over the years: friendships, gas station customers, and even within my journalism profession.

I could do 2 things with this:

1. I could wrap all of the crushes into one and call it the most-perfect situation. That would of course prolong the search for true happiness. I'm probably not going to do this.

2. Analyze every attribute of every crush situation and make comparisions. I could find someone and figure out that she has the heart of this girl, the humor of this girl, the brains of that girl and the friendliness of that girl.

But there will always be 2 master prototypes. Perfection.

I look at a picture of one of them. I know that a future with this particular person is not possible anymore. But I know that a future with someone similar is still possible.

***

I know I'm far behind the curve. But at least I know what the diagram of love looks like. I simply look at the paths that many of my male classmates have taken.

Sometimes it takes a few girlfriends to find that ONE girl in your life.

I'm just looking to get to the "girlfriend" rung right now.