The theme for this special entry: “Don't You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds. Listening to this while reading this may give you a feeling for what I'm writing here.
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In the past month, I have written some very deep Blog entries detailing my history with girls. This will be my final entry on the theme.
In my mental nature, it takes me a LONG time to get rid of the grip of the crushes that I have. As mentioned before, I have had many – 20 to be exact.
I had debated, and asked for advice, regarding the release of names. I think most classmates of mine know of at least two girls. I thought that releasing names would get my head clear even more, but the more I think about this it is really a privacy matter. However, perhaps the time will come at a later date when I can tell these names.
Out of the 20 crushes: 1 in pre-school. 1 at Jefferson. 1 at Merrill. 2 at Lincoln. 6 more at Challand. 8 during high school (on both sides of the river). 1 in college.
You read that right, I had a crush on someone in pre-school. I don't think boys know this thing called love at age 5. I did for some reason. Usually the first sign of love in someone is a psychological trait in all little kids through “I love my mommy,” and was extended by showing of love from my aunt and from my grandmother. (Whether my first female playmate, my cousin Samantha, had anything to do with this, I don't know). I think this carried over to television cartoon characters such as Eureeka from “Eureeka's Castle” and Penny from “Inspector Gadget.”
I will never forget one scene from Eureeka's Castle when Eureeka was sleepy and wanted to take a nap. She yawned and spoke very softly in her high-pitched voice. It was probably the first minor sexual thrill I ever had. How that led to that, I just don't know. After that, it became solidified in my head that girls were very likeable, unless they provoke me. When we lived in Sterling (the first time) there was a girl my age that lived next door, and a couple more kitty-corner from that girl's house. All three provoked me in some way.
When I went to preschool for the first time, I was around quite a few girls that were my age. They didn't seem as bad as these three that lived near me. This solidified my belief, brought upon by Eureeka, that girls aren't so bad after all. They were better if they looked more like Cinderella and had the bright hair that Eureeka had.
Enter my first crush. Nevermind the fact that she had to get around with a cane. She was pretty. That's all I remember of her, however. I cannot remember any memories of interaction. Perhaps my preschool teachers know.
When I went to Jefferson for kindergarten, this girl I consider my first crush was not there. At this stage in my life, I believed that there had to be that ONE girl that I liked. Who could serve as that girl? (This is a thought process frowned upon by teenagers today, but it was simply human nature for me at age 6.) Kindergarten was also where I learned about friendship, and Seth was that friend for me. Along the way I think I told him that I liked this one girl in our class. Word may have gotten out, I don't know.
Remember that naptime thing from Eureeka's Castle? We had naptime in kindergarten, with those red and blue folding cushions. I remember sometimes trying to find a place to nap next to, or near, this girl I liked. That was crush No. 2.
Three schools in three years: We moved to Rock Falls and I went to Merrill. A whole different group of people. But it didn't take me too long to bring back that loving feeling. All I had to do was look to the desk to my left in my first-grade class. She reminded me of my first crush on how pretty she was, and also reminded me of the niceness of my second crush.
This crush lasted for four years – all of my years at Merrill – and I didn't have a crush on anyone else during that time. It's not who most people today think it is, and perhaps only I and my best friend Jared ever knew who it was. This brought about the first moment of actual admittance: Jared had insisted that I tell her, and went as far as bringing me over to his house and sitting on his porch with a phone. Apparently he knew the phone # and everything.
I couldn't find the courage in me to tell her directly that I loved her. I think the moment she found out was in fourth grade, where I wound up sitting next to her AGAIN. This was the stage where moments of love start to enter the minds of kids. In doing so, kids like to show their message through a pencil drawing of a heart with the girl's name in it. I had drawn one of her, and during a desk-cleaning she found it.
Then I moved away again.
I never went into detail about my first three crushes on this Blog before. But everything changed after finding this wonderful girl in fifth grade. With this being my last entry on this subject, I thought it would be appropriate to detail the history of how I became introduced to loving girls.
I never believed in that “cooties” crap.
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The three early crushes were easily forgotten after having one on the fourth. I mention this in full detail in the final part of the entry, “Trying to Find Closure.” She was the girl that brought new meaning to what I knew about love.
Once I began growing up, the feeling of love became more defined and the crushes began to rotate between different people – hence the Top 50 List. Because of shyness, lack of communication abilities on my part, and the respect for all things nice, when I had a crush on someone it stays in my mind for a long, long time. “Respect for all things nice” sounds a lot like the Rock Falls softball girls. While I have said that I will always love them, I only had crushes on three of them.
Of the 14 crushes that I had in middle and high schools, four of them were forgotten before graduating.
As I was contemplating the rest of my life after high school, I still had remnants of 11 past crushes. As we all drifted apart, I had scrubbed away 6 of them during the first year of college, while having a crush on someone else during that time. That left remnants of 5.
The final five at that time range in having known them for as little as two years, and as long as 13.
As my future was become more defined, I had a brief hint that it was indeed time to move on. Plus, this is the time when relationships become much more stronger and leaning toward eventual marriage.
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The final 3. The race to the finish line. Please don't get this confused with "deleting me from your life," as all of these girls will never be deleted from my life - just in the "crush" sense only.
One I had known since 1993. The other since 1997. The other since 1999. What had kept these three girls in my mind were their hearts, kindness, warmth, niceness, etc.
For four years I couldn't completely get these crush remnants, these tiny hints of it, of them out of my mind. Since then, two of them had gotten married, and both have kids. These two were the ones I never had the courage to admit to loving them. It only occurred to me within the past year that THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL.
My apologies to their husbands. I had tried to scrub these memories away, and perhaps it was bad timing.
It was high time to tear down the crush-related memories that I dwelled on for a long time of these two, and quickly. I had built a process toward doing this, starting with the first Blog entry on this subject. These two were going to be the first to go (the one I knew for the least amount of time first, then the most about of time next), with the one other coming last.
A couple of weeks ago I was able to finally convince myself to get rid of the first remaining. It had been a very long time since we had last seen each other. Since knowing her, she had been the most nicest to me from the other side of the river. What made me put these memories into the books was pretty much not seeing her a whole lot after college. It just kind of grew old and disappeared. My apologies to her and her husband, for me taking so long during this overlap.
As mentioned at the start, I think most classmates of mine know of at least two girls that I had a crush on. These two were the last ones to go.
Then came the process of scrubbing away crush-related memories of someone I have known for nearly 20 years – but only had a crush and later kind-of-crush on for the past 10 or so. She was just like the girl I had just mentioned, but was more reserved and shy when we were to ever talk. Plus the fact that I had known her even before all of this.
But unlike the girl I just mentioned, I would see her every now and again. Seeing people that I once liked becomes a visual memory of days past. Then, for a hint, the thought of “what if” and “could I still” would pop up. I had to slap myself in the face and tell myself that it just isn't possible anymore. It took me a month to do this, but I finally – finally – convinced myself that it was over last week. My apologies to her and her husband, for me taking so long during this overlap.
That left one – the one that had the most impact at a very critical moment in my life. The one whose been in my mind the longest: 15 years. She isn't married, and I wasn't sure if she was even dating anyone. That's what made her the hardest one to get rid of: the “what if” and “could I still.” I would see her every once in a while also.
I think it was all of the momentum that was thought out when trying to get rid of the one before this one. Now that she was the only one, it was tough to stop myself from having any belief. That's when I thought of the last Love Letter. I sent it yesterday morning.
Today was it.
All of my “Crush” remnants have been eradicated now.
The slate has been wiped clean.
I can now move on with my life at a faster speed than before.
This also means that I am once again looking for that special woman in my life, without anything holding me back.
Without anything holding me back.
Next Chapter ...
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