Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.52.90
Current Song - The Way (Fastball)
This seems familiar.
Since November of last year, I had seen control of my NISB website slipping away from me. I found the issue with the content side not too long ago and reversed it. I took back what was once mine and didn't let anyone take it away from me.
I won't be decieved like that again.
I'm at this same feeling when it comes to the Message Boards of the website.
I personally know of someone who is trying to blow up the message board, because he thinks he's God. It took me a while, but I finally figured him out and how he operates.
Everything was going great until nearly three years ago. The floodgates opened and the message board is filled with mildew. They say things have never been better on there. I beg to differ.
When long-time message board posters are telling me they are sick of the talk and walk away, this hurts. When coaches are telling me about people on a message board (including one coach during warmups before a STATE FINAL GAME), this really hurts.
They say posts have gone up. They have. However, the geography of the audience has whittled down to 1/8th of what I consider my coverage area. Even when I am trying in vain to expand the geographical reach of this website by gamers, features, etc. on areas that aren't popular on the message board.
What turns these people off are the antics of this new breed of message board posters; many of them are simply this one guy. I'm sick of playing Whack-A-Mole.
I have come to the conclusion that this is a coordinated effort to destroy my message board between him and several of his friends, some of which are trying to con me in on being their friends. (There is one instance where I'm suspecting where someone's involvement in this would lead to the print/online Cold War. To you, whose side are you on?)
I will not let NISB suffer the same fate that the NCIpreps board suffered eight years ago. This is the same group of uncontrollable people which led to the killing of that.
I can't simply remove the mildew from the board manually without cause. But what can be done is drowning all of it out to make it appear small. This I can't do alone. Much of my former base consisted of current NIB-12 posters, mixed with Three Rivers, Big 6 and Rock Falls/Dixon/Bureau County posters. These are the people that brought integrity and respect to this message board, both of which has been lost with this mess.
Together, we can restore something that will make high school sports in this area something to cheer about and be happy of.
F****ing with me has its consenquences.
In the name of high school sports, the revolution to take back the NISB Message Board has commenced. Let's quarantine this crap.
Who's with me?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
First House Starter Kit
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2012.42.90
Current Song - Boomin' Bump (John Baker)
At this point I am 100% committed to the new house, and all I have to do is sign the lease to make it official.
I plan on officially moving in November 1.
112 12th Avenue, Sterling
I'll have a lot to bring in from my bedroom, as well as the closets around the house and the basement. However, there are many, many things that I still need in order to maintain the appearance and make it look presentable.
Problem is, I would like to do this without spending as much money as possible. Lucikilly, this coincided with the final day of Sterling/Rock Falls's Garage Sale Days - where many houses sell stuff from their yard. I was occupied all of Saturday, so I did my searching on Sunday.
I did some searching for a dresser last Sunday to no avail. Along the way, I stopped to get gas at one of the Shell stations that I once worked at. "Who goes garage saleing on a Sunday?"
I do.
To me, Sundays are the best time for it. This is the tail end of the sale and people are more and more willing to let go of things for a low price.
With an area map in my car, I planned on hitting the south subdivisions of Rock Falls first and working my way up to the north subdivisions of Sterling.
So here's what I got (in order):
My little coffee table, and a placemat for the top of it.
My popcorn bowl
A metal sign that reads, "deadlines make me laugh"
My hard-plastic set of plates and bowls
My halloween candy basket
A Christmas centerpiece that has a six-inch fake Christmas tree on it (This will actually be my Christmas Tree until I get a bigger one)
My toaster, which I find suspect now
Two telvision sets - these were actually free! (whether they work or not will be determined later)
My clothes dresser priced for $30 and I was able to knock down to $15 (skelton keys included)
--Thanks to the guys there for hauling it back to my house!
A pair of fake wine glasses for the kitchen
--Thanks Johnna!
My mini-vacuum
My Rock Falls Rockets pennant, for the sports collection
My kitchen table: round with a glass top (and $5, too!)
--Thanks Dalan!
My vacuum cleaner
--Thanks Jessica!
Two lamps
My wall clock
Placemats
My flatheads and phillips' screwdrivers
My dinner table chairs
--- All for $55
All but three things were bought in Rock Falls. By the time I made it across the river, I knew time was running out. I got the dinner table chairs in Sterling, and I originally bought just the one. The person there mentioned that the other chair is in the house, and he was maybe looking at selling that one also. The chair is white and would normally go in a living room, but I looked at it as a dining room chair (hard wood vs. a cushioned chair - that's a no-brainer) and a living room chair when the time calls for it.
I had to haul the chair in my trunk in such an oblong way that bungee cords were necessary. After bringing it back home is when I looked at it as a dining room chair. So I went back across town to that sale and asked to buy the other chair.
By this time I could only find one more sale, and they were putting things back in the garage. Was there anything in particular I was still looking for? I showed them my list, and they referred me to the Dollar Tree. So with no time for more garage sales, I planned on spending the rest of my money at the DT. This trimmed my list down a bit, but there's still quite a few things left to buy.
Also bought at the DT were a few picture frames. This not just has to do with pictures, but something I read in one of the books I bought Thursday @ Barnes and Noble.
The books are still in my car, and I don't plan on reading them extensively until I get settled in. These were the best three books at B&N that had anything to do with moving out and getting on two feet (so I guess I deprived Rockford's youth of this opportunity, unless they bring in more books).
I had arrived at Ottawa early the next afternoon for a football game, so I started on one of the books to occupy time. Just the first six pages had those "make a list and save it" demands. Hence, the picture frames.
As for the rest of the list, a trip to the Walton Mart will suffice.
My hope is to have my house look like the insides of all of my relatives, and not just a college dorm room.
Current Song - Boomin' Bump (John Baker)
At this point I am 100% committed to the new house, and all I have to do is sign the lease to make it official.
I plan on officially moving in November 1.
112 12th Avenue, Sterling
I'll have a lot to bring in from my bedroom, as well as the closets around the house and the basement. However, there are many, many things that I still need in order to maintain the appearance and make it look presentable.
Problem is, I would like to do this without spending as much money as possible. Lucikilly, this coincided with the final day of Sterling/Rock Falls's Garage Sale Days - where many houses sell stuff from their yard. I was occupied all of Saturday, so I did my searching on Sunday.
I did some searching for a dresser last Sunday to no avail. Along the way, I stopped to get gas at one of the Shell stations that I once worked at. "Who goes garage saleing on a Sunday?"
I do.
To me, Sundays are the best time for it. This is the tail end of the sale and people are more and more willing to let go of things for a low price.
With an area map in my car, I planned on hitting the south subdivisions of Rock Falls first and working my way up to the north subdivisions of Sterling.
So here's what I got (in order):
My little coffee table, and a placemat for the top of it.
My popcorn bowl
A metal sign that reads, "deadlines make me laugh"
My hard-plastic set of plates and bowls
My halloween candy basket
A Christmas centerpiece that has a six-inch fake Christmas tree on it (This will actually be my Christmas Tree until I get a bigger one)
My toaster, which I find suspect now
Two telvision sets - these were actually free! (whether they work or not will be determined later)
My clothes dresser priced for $30 and I was able to knock down to $15 (skelton keys included)
--Thanks to the guys there for hauling it back to my house!
A pair of fake wine glasses for the kitchen
--Thanks Johnna!
My mini-vacuum
My Rock Falls Rockets pennant, for the sports collection
My kitchen table: round with a glass top (and $5, too!)
--Thanks Dalan!
My vacuum cleaner
--Thanks Jessica!
Two lamps
My wall clock
Placemats
My flatheads and phillips' screwdrivers
My dinner table chairs
--- All for $55
All but three things were bought in Rock Falls. By the time I made it across the river, I knew time was running out. I got the dinner table chairs in Sterling, and I originally bought just the one. The person there mentioned that the other chair is in the house, and he was maybe looking at selling that one also. The chair is white and would normally go in a living room, but I looked at it as a dining room chair (hard wood vs. a cushioned chair - that's a no-brainer) and a living room chair when the time calls for it.
I had to haul the chair in my trunk in such an oblong way that bungee cords were necessary. After bringing it back home is when I looked at it as a dining room chair. So I went back across town to that sale and asked to buy the other chair.
By this time I could only find one more sale, and they were putting things back in the garage. Was there anything in particular I was still looking for? I showed them my list, and they referred me to the Dollar Tree. So with no time for more garage sales, I planned on spending the rest of my money at the DT. This trimmed my list down a bit, but there's still quite a few things left to buy.
Also bought at the DT were a few picture frames. This not just has to do with pictures, but something I read in one of the books I bought Thursday @ Barnes and Noble.
The books are still in my car, and I don't plan on reading them extensively until I get settled in. These were the best three books at B&N that had anything to do with moving out and getting on two feet (so I guess I deprived Rockford's youth of this opportunity, unless they bring in more books).
I had arrived at Ottawa early the next afternoon for a football game, so I started on one of the books to occupy time. Just the first six pages had those "make a list and save it" demands. Hence, the picture frames.
As for the rest of the list, a trip to the Walton Mart will suffice.
My hope is to have my house look like the insides of all of my relatives, and not just a college dorm room.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
House Visit
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.02.20
Current Song - The Way (Fastball)
I'm about 80% committed to getting a house of my own.
Well, it's not technically my own. My grandparents own it.
I went through the house yesterday to get a sense of where the rooms are at. It's pretty much one story plus a basement, with the second story being an attic.
It's the SE corner of 12th Avenue and 2nd Street in Sterling, just a few blocks down from where I live now. My cousin Joshua and his wife lived there previously. Just a short walk across my side lawn, one more back yard and then 1st Street is my grandparents' house. My brother Chris is three blocks across and then two blocks up. So I'm not too far away from home.
The house has got to be at least 100 years old, with the outside looking like the same concrete foundation seen on some houses along Leroy Avenue in Rock Falls (the only way I can describe it). The front door leads straight out to the corner of the block, giving the house a diamond "V" shape when looking at it.
There are two bedrooms: I'll be sleeping in the larger one and I'll be using the smaller one as my office. This may be a small house by size standards, but I think I'll have more than enough room to work with. The attic and basement are pretty much storage areas for things I don't have now, but once I get settled in I think I'll find a use for these.
Lately I've been making a list of household starter things: such as dish soap, a vaccum cleaner, silverware, etc. Then there's groceries, and I'm just going to feel my way through it. Then there's the really big stuff, since this is an unfurnished place: something to sit on, a television, fridge, microwave, stove (maybe), kitchen table/chairs, lawnmower, etc.
I have a feeling that once I get couch and television in my living room, the rest of the room is going to be a blank void. I'm not one for "blank" living quarters. I get this from my mom. Our living room has a bunch of decorations, fake plants, chimes and such.
My office, for sure, won't be a "blank" room. I'm already picturing that in my mind -
The office is about 7 feet one way and 10 feet the other, and is carpeted. I got my desk (my great-great grandmother's) in the middle of the room with a chair behind it and a chair in front of it for visitors to my office. For the walls, I have saved up these high school sports programs over the years that I really have no use for other than posterity sake, so I want to cut the covers off of them, put them on posterboard and try to fill the walls with them.
That leaves room for my college sportswriting awards, my diploma and degree, and a space for a team pic of my favorite high school sports team EVER. I just need to find one, as I don't have one : (
Current Song - The Way (Fastball)
I'm about 80% committed to getting a house of my own.
Well, it's not technically my own. My grandparents own it.
I went through the house yesterday to get a sense of where the rooms are at. It's pretty much one story plus a basement, with the second story being an attic.
It's the SE corner of 12th Avenue and 2nd Street in Sterling, just a few blocks down from where I live now. My cousin Joshua and his wife lived there previously. Just a short walk across my side lawn, one more back yard and then 1st Street is my grandparents' house. My brother Chris is three blocks across and then two blocks up. So I'm not too far away from home.
The house has got to be at least 100 years old, with the outside looking like the same concrete foundation seen on some houses along Leroy Avenue in Rock Falls (the only way I can describe it). The front door leads straight out to the corner of the block, giving the house a diamond "V" shape when looking at it.
There are two bedrooms: I'll be sleeping in the larger one and I'll be using the smaller one as my office. This may be a small house by size standards, but I think I'll have more than enough room to work with. The attic and basement are pretty much storage areas for things I don't have now, but once I get settled in I think I'll find a use for these.
Lately I've been making a list of household starter things: such as dish soap, a vaccum cleaner, silverware, etc. Then there's groceries, and I'm just going to feel my way through it. Then there's the really big stuff, since this is an unfurnished place: something to sit on, a television, fridge, microwave, stove (maybe), kitchen table/chairs, lawnmower, etc.
I have a feeling that once I get couch and television in my living room, the rest of the room is going to be a blank void. I'm not one for "blank" living quarters. I get this from my mom. Our living room has a bunch of decorations, fake plants, chimes and such.
My office, for sure, won't be a "blank" room. I'm already picturing that in my mind -
The office is about 7 feet one way and 10 feet the other, and is carpeted. I got my desk (my great-great grandmother's) in the middle of the room with a chair behind it and a chair in front of it for visitors to my office. For the walls, I have saved up these high school sports programs over the years that I really have no use for other than posterity sake, so I want to cut the covers off of them, put them on posterboard and try to fill the walls with them.
That leaves room for my college sportswriting awards, my diploma and degree, and a space for a team pic of my favorite high school sports team EVER. I just need to find one, as I don't have one : (
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
When We Were Being Followed
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2012.81.90
Current Song - Careless Whisper (Wham!)
I never had success with girls in high school, except for being the No. 1 fan of the Rock Falls Softball team. That was pretty much the closest I came to girls. Still, I had a long way to go from there.
The memories that stick out in my mind are those that many people consider just an ordinary day. Since I had little success with the opposite gender, moments that many percieve as small are huge to me.
So let's go back to ...
Well, it took me a long time to figure out the date of this memory. You see, the memory is so huge that I can't even remember when exactly it happened. After about two hours of thinking about it, it was Week 5 of the 2003 football season.
So let's go back to Week 5 of the 2003 football season: The only time any hint of jealosy involved me and a girl.
I was working for PSO at the time, on the Sterling Football beat. The year prior, I had asked for permission to cover a Rock Falls game. I told them I was going to Homecoming with one of the girls (a lie, but a believeable one), and went on to cover Rock Falls vs. Mendota - the game that Isaiah got injured and Robbie ran into me while I was taping on the sideline. RF won that game.
The following year I tried to pull of the same excuse. I told them I was going to Homecoming with another girl (which was actually almost true, see the third-to-last paragraph) In this game, Rock Falls was taking on Hall -Week 5 of the 2003 football season.
I don't remember much of this football game, mostly because Hall crushed Rock Falls 34-6. I do remember walking to that game because I didn't have a working bicycle at the time (the "Geneseo" bike had broken down, and the loaner bike from my boss had to be returned). From my house to Hinders Field is about 2 miles one-way. All I was tasked to do was write an article.
Along the way to the field I'm sure I talked to several of my friends. Like last year, I was in the middle of the Rock Falls team box trying to take game notes and such. So much for this game, 34-6. Needless to say, the commotion amongst friends had started to take over the student section rather than watching the late stages of the game. This spilled to the area outside of the stands after the game.
I remember walking toward the gate when a group of friends called me over. Within this group was one of the girls. (She knows who she is).
Somehow I guess the conversation had turned to wondering if I rode my bike there. I said I walked here, and they thought it was far for me to walk two miles to a game.
I don't know what happened next, but a disagreement between girlfriend and boyfriend sounds familiar, but the next thing I know this girl had called me outside of the group and we walked away. Her hand was across my shoulders and we were walking close to each other. She had heard that I walked home, and offered me a ride back to my place.
We were walking to her car, which was parked along 15th Avenue. Her boyfriend followed and was all confused - or angry, or I don't know - as we hopped in her car.
"I'm taking Cody home!"
Well, this was a first. I had never been in a car ALONE with a girl. (I had been in a car with four girls once, but never with just one). While noting the generosity she had given me with the ride back home, I had wondered what was up with this whole discussion between boyfriend and girlfriend. She seemed to be angry at him for whatever reason.
Now picture this: there is a disagreement between boyfriend and girlfriend, and the girl takes another boy to her car with her and offers him a ride home. What do you think the boyfriend would do about this? Keeping in mind, he knows that I have known her for quite some time (and not just some stranger).
He follows us.
We go across First Avenue Bridge and head under the railroad tracks. I guess that was where she noticed that her boyfriend was following her, and I seem to remember her not being too happy about it.
To be quite honest, I have no idea what we were talking about in the car. I seemed to remember not making much conversation, while she was a little sad.
I think about that thought and a bunch of "what ifs" come to mind. One of the moments where having autism fails me miserably. If only I were able to make more conversation I think things would have been different.
We arrived at my place, and there is not just one car following us, but two cars: the boyfriend's and another car with a couple more friends (Kody and Kal).
I thanked her for the ride back home.
I walked inside my house and sat on the couch wondering about this feeling. What kept coming into my mind was all of the "what ifs." Who knows what would have transpired had her boyfriend not followed us home.
Damn my shyness!
Current Song - Careless Whisper (Wham!)
I never had success with girls in high school, except for being the No. 1 fan of the Rock Falls Softball team. That was pretty much the closest I came to girls. Still, I had a long way to go from there.
The memories that stick out in my mind are those that many people consider just an ordinary day. Since I had little success with the opposite gender, moments that many percieve as small are huge to me.
So let's go back to ...
Well, it took me a long time to figure out the date of this memory. You see, the memory is so huge that I can't even remember when exactly it happened. After about two hours of thinking about it, it was Week 5 of the 2003 football season.
So let's go back to Week 5 of the 2003 football season: The only time any hint of jealosy involved me and a girl.
I was working for PSO at the time, on the Sterling Football beat. The year prior, I had asked for permission to cover a Rock Falls game. I told them I was going to Homecoming with one of the girls (a lie, but a believeable one), and went on to cover Rock Falls vs. Mendota - the game that Isaiah got injured and Robbie ran into me while I was taping on the sideline. RF won that game.
The following year I tried to pull of the same excuse. I told them I was going to Homecoming with another girl (which was actually almost true, see the third-to-last paragraph) In this game, Rock Falls was taking on Hall -Week 5 of the 2003 football season.
I don't remember much of this football game, mostly because Hall crushed Rock Falls 34-6. I do remember walking to that game because I didn't have a working bicycle at the time (the "Geneseo" bike had broken down, and the loaner bike from my boss had to be returned). From my house to Hinders Field is about 2 miles one-way. All I was tasked to do was write an article.
Along the way to the field I'm sure I talked to several of my friends. Like last year, I was in the middle of the Rock Falls team box trying to take game notes and such. So much for this game, 34-6. Needless to say, the commotion amongst friends had started to take over the student section rather than watching the late stages of the game. This spilled to the area outside of the stands after the game.
I remember walking toward the gate when a group of friends called me over. Within this group was one of the girls. (She knows who she is).
Somehow I guess the conversation had turned to wondering if I rode my bike there. I said I walked here, and they thought it was far for me to walk two miles to a game.
I don't know what happened next, but a disagreement between girlfriend and boyfriend sounds familiar, but the next thing I know this girl had called me outside of the group and we walked away. Her hand was across my shoulders and we were walking close to each other. She had heard that I walked home, and offered me a ride back to my place.
We were walking to her car, which was parked along 15th Avenue. Her boyfriend followed and was all confused - or angry, or I don't know - as we hopped in her car.
"I'm taking Cody home!"
Well, this was a first. I had never been in a car ALONE with a girl. (I had been in a car with four girls once, but never with just one). While noting the generosity she had given me with the ride back home, I had wondered what was up with this whole discussion between boyfriend and girlfriend. She seemed to be angry at him for whatever reason.
Now picture this: there is a disagreement between boyfriend and girlfriend, and the girl takes another boy to her car with her and offers him a ride home. What do you think the boyfriend would do about this? Keeping in mind, he knows that I have known her for quite some time (and not just some stranger).
He follows us.
We go across First Avenue Bridge and head under the railroad tracks. I guess that was where she noticed that her boyfriend was following her, and I seem to remember her not being too happy about it.
To be quite honest, I have no idea what we were talking about in the car. I seemed to remember not making much conversation, while she was a little sad.
I think about that thought and a bunch of "what ifs" come to mind. One of the moments where having autism fails me miserably. If only I were able to make more conversation I think things would have been different.
We arrived at my place, and there is not just one car following us, but two cars: the boyfriend's and another car with a couple more friends (Kody and Kal).
I thanked her for the ride back home.
I walked inside my house and sat on the couch wondering about this feeling. What kept coming into my mind was all of the "what ifs." Who knows what would have transpired had her boyfriend not followed us home.
Damn my shyness!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Cody's Bachelor Pad?
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.71.90
Current Song - Roll With The Changes (REO Speedwagon)
I thought deeper about the rental property.
After talking with my brother Chris about it, he told me that the bills attached with the rent for one of his friends's places wasn't all that substantial. Needless to say, this gave me some more confidence in wanting to make a move on this rental.
Thinking about the rental came only after searching for a clothes dresser during a runaround at rummage sales. All of the area rummage sales yesterday didn't have a clothes dresser, but there was a small antique place in Dixon that had one I sort of liked. Six small drawers and a top that a placemat should fix - $69. The store had a 20% sale to knock this purchase to less than $60 after tax.
I have never shopped for a clothes dresser before, so I don't know what to expect with pricing. The department stores have those put-it-together-yourself pieces that I am really no good at. I think I'll be looking at the paper more for garage sales. Sterling/Rock Falls is supposed to have its second "garage sale days" of the year this coming weekend. It's too bad I'm working from 8-2 on Friday. So hopefully there will be a dresser on Saturday.
Once I get this dresser, I'll be able to work on cleaning my bedroom more. I could only get part of it done before breathing in quite a bit of dust. I moved by bed over to another side of the room, and bought new blinds for my windows.
There's a space that I'd like to put my dresser, and that leaves some wall space for tacking on some stuff (if I find more). Next up is trying to find a place that recycles old stereo systems, as I have two that are no longer in working order. This frees up shelf space for more books that I have lumped in a corner. This takes care of two of the four walls of my room.
Next up is another trip to the Walton Mart, as I completely forgot to get other things when I got the blinds. Plastic storage containers, a special bulb for this desk lamp that hasn't been used in a couple of years, and a white marker for my LED color-changing blackboard.
My old clothes dresser has fallen apart and only two drawers remain. I use these two for storing more stuff; one of them for all of my electronic equipment and its chargers. The other is just a mess.
To pretty much sum it all up, I'd like to transfer about half of my bedroom either into plastic storage containers, or garbage. So if I do wind up moving into the rental, there won't be so much to organize and move around.
Literally, my room could be stretched into a whole house.
Just finding the time to clean the room is a challenge between work and website.
***
Off to the rental.
I drove by it last night and it didn't catch me until then that it had a small second-story level. And a deck in the back. I've been in the inside of it a couple of times, but the last time was a few years back.
Now it's just a matter of having the money to maintain all of this. As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I need to set aside $175/week (24.5 hours/week) just to maintain living quarters. I just have to find a way to stretch the remainder of that, and at the same time add an additional source of income. The beginning necessities would simply come from savings.
When I was investing heavily into my website for a couple of years (until three months ago), much of my paycheck went to that. I'd simply be reverting myself to that kind of life once more.
The more I see it, there are many "wins" for me in this:
1. I don't do a good job with keeping things clean (as you may have noticed with this entry), so this gives me an incentive to start cleaning regularly. As I mentioned thoughout these past few months, I'm trying to fix myself to make it better. This is a start.
2. I rarely mow the lawn at home because either dad, Mike or Chris does it. I'll have to mow my own lawn.
3. Laundry.
4. Fiscal responsibility.
4 1/2. Less use of the car and more walking, riding, etc.
5. Possibly putting myself in a position to feel the pinch to find a second job. Or work harder at my first.
6. I can learn to cook.
7. I can learn about maintenance. Basically saying, this living quarters is a classroom laboratory.
8. (And perhaps most importantly) I will be living by myself, where no one can disturb me, where no one can ask me for computer time, where no one can question what I do and how I do things, and such-and-such. That is, unless I allow company - and company is always welcome (which gives me an incentive to point No. 1).
This is the bachelor pad.
Until she comes into my life.
Which reminds me, I need to fix up my bedroom to something like this:
And add in a champagne bar as well.
With music like this in the background:
Current Song - Roll With The Changes (REO Speedwagon)
I thought deeper about the rental property.
After talking with my brother Chris about it, he told me that the bills attached with the rent for one of his friends's places wasn't all that substantial. Needless to say, this gave me some more confidence in wanting to make a move on this rental.
Thinking about the rental came only after searching for a clothes dresser during a runaround at rummage sales. All of the area rummage sales yesterday didn't have a clothes dresser, but there was a small antique place in Dixon that had one I sort of liked. Six small drawers and a top that a placemat should fix - $69. The store had a 20% sale to knock this purchase to less than $60 after tax.
I have never shopped for a clothes dresser before, so I don't know what to expect with pricing. The department stores have those put-it-together-yourself pieces that I am really no good at. I think I'll be looking at the paper more for garage sales. Sterling/Rock Falls is supposed to have its second "garage sale days" of the year this coming weekend. It's too bad I'm working from 8-2 on Friday. So hopefully there will be a dresser on Saturday.
Once I get this dresser, I'll be able to work on cleaning my bedroom more. I could only get part of it done before breathing in quite a bit of dust. I moved by bed over to another side of the room, and bought new blinds for my windows.
There's a space that I'd like to put my dresser, and that leaves some wall space for tacking on some stuff (if I find more). Next up is trying to find a place that recycles old stereo systems, as I have two that are no longer in working order. This frees up shelf space for more books that I have lumped in a corner. This takes care of two of the four walls of my room.
Next up is another trip to the Walton Mart, as I completely forgot to get other things when I got the blinds. Plastic storage containers, a special bulb for this desk lamp that hasn't been used in a couple of years, and a white marker for my LED color-changing blackboard.
My old clothes dresser has fallen apart and only two drawers remain. I use these two for storing more stuff; one of them for all of my electronic equipment and its chargers. The other is just a mess.
To pretty much sum it all up, I'd like to transfer about half of my bedroom either into plastic storage containers, or garbage. So if I do wind up moving into the rental, there won't be so much to organize and move around.
Literally, my room could be stretched into a whole house.
Just finding the time to clean the room is a challenge between work and website.
***
Off to the rental.
I drove by it last night and it didn't catch me until then that it had a small second-story level. And a deck in the back. I've been in the inside of it a couple of times, but the last time was a few years back.
Now it's just a matter of having the money to maintain all of this. As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I need to set aside $175/week (24.5 hours/week) just to maintain living quarters. I just have to find a way to stretch the remainder of that, and at the same time add an additional source of income. The beginning necessities would simply come from savings.
When I was investing heavily into my website for a couple of years (until three months ago), much of my paycheck went to that. I'd simply be reverting myself to that kind of life once more.
The more I see it, there are many "wins" for me in this:
1. I don't do a good job with keeping things clean (as you may have noticed with this entry), so this gives me an incentive to start cleaning regularly. As I mentioned thoughout these past few months, I'm trying to fix myself to make it better. This is a start.
2. I rarely mow the lawn at home because either dad, Mike or Chris does it. I'll have to mow my own lawn.
3. Laundry.
4. Fiscal responsibility.
4 1/2. Less use of the car and more walking, riding, etc.
5. Possibly putting myself in a position to feel the pinch to find a second job. Or work harder at my first.
6. I can learn to cook.
7. I can learn about maintenance. Basically saying, this living quarters is a classroom laboratory.
8. (And perhaps most importantly) I will be living by myself, where no one can disturb me, where no one can ask me for computer time, where no one can question what I do and how I do things, and such-and-such. That is, unless I allow company - and company is always welcome (which gives me an incentive to point No. 1).
This is the bachelor pad.
Until she comes into my life.
Which reminds me, I need to fix up my bedroom to something like this:
And add in a champagne bar as well.
With music like this in the background:
Friday, September 14, 2012
"Personal Growth Tour": Three Months Later
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.41.90
Current Song - The One You Love (Glenn Frey)
The title of this entry stems from an argument from three months ago. Here I was trying to fix the issues in my life, and what I got in response were the words "personal growth tour" (quotes included) as if I was being mocked. Needless to say, I shoved back and moved on.
Three months ago at this time, I decided to make some changes to the NISB website that I run, via the State of the Site Address.
I was pinned to a wall in many ways before I made these decisions, and I can honestly say that right now I am less stressful than I was four months ago. I don't have to worry about rushing to get things done, and I don't have to worry about having website matters interfere with what I do for work at the Shell station.
If I had kept going the way I had been, rather than make much-needed changes, I would be out of money and in a worse mental state. I could forsee this happening and I had to do what I had to do to get out of it. I basically said in the State of the Site Address that the changes were going to be made in order to reset myself and start over again.
I didn't detail all of the changes I was going to make in my life in the Address, because it would make this video more about Me than the Website.
Financially
As I mentioned earlier, there is much little stress in my life because I'm now doing things the way I want to do them, instead of have the world push me around in different directions against my own will. I can't recall a single time that I have been in a bad mood since making these changes.
Previously, I was living paycheck-by-paycheck (minus the seven-month absence). I'm not investing as much money into the website as I used to, thuis the money I'm making at work is actually going into my pocket rather than toward website expenses. This relieves that worry. Although I still split my paychecks certain ways, with one of them being website expenses.
Tying in, when I was living paycheck-to-paycheck and in the seven months I was out of work, I learned to live off very little. When the money did come my way, I worked hard to not spend so much of it and continue to make do with less. In my last entry, I mentioned an opportunity to live at a place of my own - and this would just carry on to that. If I kept on with the usual website plans, I never would have had this opportunity to live at a place of my own.
It's been two weeks since I last bought a lotto ticket, which is the longest-such stretch since coming back to work. This is something that I hope continues into the future. I have also not been to a casino since breaking even at Bettendorf two months ago. This is also someting that I hope continues into the future.
Website
When I made the address, there were certain people that thought this was the end of it. For the first time in eight years of running the website, I began to feel that doubt of its future existed in the minds of other people - and all you can do about this is ignore them. In the address, I stated that the website will NOT die. So far, it hasn't.
I've impressed myself on occasion with what I'm able to put up on the website as far as content is concerned. Certain people thought that the website wouldn't have fresh content on a regular basis, but I'm finding a way to make this happen ... slowly but surely.
The whiteboard next to my desk is still in use and it is my hope that I can build a log of content releases (something new on the website every day) that extends into the future. I still get Tuesdays off of work, with some Thursdays in there once in a while. Lately I haven't been making good use of these nights because of trying to get my life in order, but I think sometime soon I'll be able to make the usual rounds throughout northern Illinois like I used to.
And the NISB board hasn't lost a beat when it comes to traffic ... senior posters, maybe, but I think the overall mood has quieted down now that people know what I expect in message board discussion.
With what content I'm putting up, I'm starting to become more aware of who is visiting the website. Perhaps I can build on these links.
Once I'm able to build the website back to a cycle of success, I can restart the promotional cause.
I keep mentioning that I'm wanting to do more with the website, and at the same time compliment myself on the lack of stress. The difference here is this: there is ZERO outside influence pushing me around this time.
Conversation
The one-year anniversary of my almost-fatal sting at Shell went by quietly. Since coming back in April, I'd like to think I'm doing alright. That's for the rest of them to decide, not me. But the nights have certainly gone by quicker.
There's not much else to mention after that, other than my comeback ingited a spark to combat a major weakness of mine. In my first go-around, I was shy and didn't talk so much. When customers noticed that I was back, this led to more and more conversation.
And more conversation is a plus.
Working with my conversation abilities at Shell has helped me somewhat when it comes to whenever I see a friend somewhere. In what is becoming the page-turning process of the next chapter, I'm trying to find out who's in it for the long run, or whose time has passed.
Along the way, I'm finding a whole new group of people available to me. I think when most people hit college, they start to find new friends and hang out with them more. All this time I couldn't quite let go of what I already had. I guess only now, at age 26, I'm noticing that there truly DOES exist people that share the same interests as myself (mostly in the form of high school sports). These people are of many different ages, and from all over northern Illinois.
Girls
When it comes to an improvement in conversation, the topic of girls pretty much has to come up. So here it is.
Since trying to restructure the foundation of my life, I have eliminated all of my past "crush remnants" (and wrote a series of entries on this Blog about it). The process was hard, and I had to let go of three girls that lingered in my life all of this time.
This wiped the slate clean. I realized then that the whole "trying to find a girlfriend" thing was something that I could not force, but rather have it come to me.
At this point in my life, there are three avenues where she can come from:
1. My past - Which is so hard since the next chapters of their own lives have been made, and we have drifted apart since then (unless there is somehow a small link keeping us together that I don't know about).
2. Through the "Enter" door at the Shell station - Such an occurance has only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since working there, where I think she is kind of cute.
3. Somewhere within the high school sports scene - Some fan, parent, young coach, or elsewhere. This has never happened in the 10 years I've been involved with journalism. I should make an important note that it is absolutely wrong to have crushes on the girls you write about at the time, as it is not only a serious breach of journalism ethic but also something very disturbing. Even if the situation is reversed, when a girl you write about has a crush on you, it is still a serious breach of ethic if you agree to persue this (even for someone like me who has been wanting a significant other for quite some time). Ethic takes precedence over crushes in this instance. I had to battle with this challenge during my short time at Sauk Valley Media, granted I had just turned 18 at the time.
Do good things happen to those who wait?
Health
I'll end with something that is still bothering me to this day.
I mentioned in my Address that I was going to do something about my health. I'm still a big, fat sitting duck.
I don't think I'll get anywhere with the point above with where I'm at now. I know I mentioned the rental opportunity in the last entry, but I'm not sure if depriving myself of money is going to help me shed some pounds. They say fasting is the worst way to lose weight.
Now if I can just find a way to make this happen, I think I'll be going a lot faster in this process.
Current Song - The One You Love (Glenn Frey)
The title of this entry stems from an argument from three months ago. Here I was trying to fix the issues in my life, and what I got in response were the words "personal growth tour" (quotes included) as if I was being mocked. Needless to say, I shoved back and moved on.
Three months ago at this time, I decided to make some changes to the NISB website that I run, via the State of the Site Address.
I was pinned to a wall in many ways before I made these decisions, and I can honestly say that right now I am less stressful than I was four months ago. I don't have to worry about rushing to get things done, and I don't have to worry about having website matters interfere with what I do for work at the Shell station.
If I had kept going the way I had been, rather than make much-needed changes, I would be out of money and in a worse mental state. I could forsee this happening and I had to do what I had to do to get out of it. I basically said in the State of the Site Address that the changes were going to be made in order to reset myself and start over again.
I didn't detail all of the changes I was going to make in my life in the Address, because it would make this video more about Me than the Website.
Financially
As I mentioned earlier, there is much little stress in my life because I'm now doing things the way I want to do them, instead of have the world push me around in different directions against my own will. I can't recall a single time that I have been in a bad mood since making these changes.
Previously, I was living paycheck-by-paycheck (minus the seven-month absence). I'm not investing as much money into the website as I used to, thuis the money I'm making at work is actually going into my pocket rather than toward website expenses. This relieves that worry. Although I still split my paychecks certain ways, with one of them being website expenses.
Tying in, when I was living paycheck-to-paycheck and in the seven months I was out of work, I learned to live off very little. When the money did come my way, I worked hard to not spend so much of it and continue to make do with less. In my last entry, I mentioned an opportunity to live at a place of my own - and this would just carry on to that. If I kept on with the usual website plans, I never would have had this opportunity to live at a place of my own.
It's been two weeks since I last bought a lotto ticket, which is the longest-such stretch since coming back to work. This is something that I hope continues into the future. I have also not been to a casino since breaking even at Bettendorf two months ago. This is also someting that I hope continues into the future.
Website
When I made the address, there were certain people that thought this was the end of it. For the first time in eight years of running the website, I began to feel that doubt of its future existed in the minds of other people - and all you can do about this is ignore them. In the address, I stated that the website will NOT die. So far, it hasn't.
I've impressed myself on occasion with what I'm able to put up on the website as far as content is concerned. Certain people thought that the website wouldn't have fresh content on a regular basis, but I'm finding a way to make this happen ... slowly but surely.
The whiteboard next to my desk is still in use and it is my hope that I can build a log of content releases (something new on the website every day) that extends into the future. I still get Tuesdays off of work, with some Thursdays in there once in a while. Lately I haven't been making good use of these nights because of trying to get my life in order, but I think sometime soon I'll be able to make the usual rounds throughout northern Illinois like I used to.
And the NISB board hasn't lost a beat when it comes to traffic ... senior posters, maybe, but I think the overall mood has quieted down now that people know what I expect in message board discussion.
With what content I'm putting up, I'm starting to become more aware of who is visiting the website. Perhaps I can build on these links.
Once I'm able to build the website back to a cycle of success, I can restart the promotional cause.
I keep mentioning that I'm wanting to do more with the website, and at the same time compliment myself on the lack of stress. The difference here is this: there is ZERO outside influence pushing me around this time.
Conversation
The one-year anniversary of my almost-fatal sting at Shell went by quietly. Since coming back in April, I'd like to think I'm doing alright. That's for the rest of them to decide, not me. But the nights have certainly gone by quicker.
There's not much else to mention after that, other than my comeback ingited a spark to combat a major weakness of mine. In my first go-around, I was shy and didn't talk so much. When customers noticed that I was back, this led to more and more conversation.
And more conversation is a plus.
Working with my conversation abilities at Shell has helped me somewhat when it comes to whenever I see a friend somewhere. In what is becoming the page-turning process of the next chapter, I'm trying to find out who's in it for the long run, or whose time has passed.
Along the way, I'm finding a whole new group of people available to me. I think when most people hit college, they start to find new friends and hang out with them more. All this time I couldn't quite let go of what I already had. I guess only now, at age 26, I'm noticing that there truly DOES exist people that share the same interests as myself (mostly in the form of high school sports). These people are of many different ages, and from all over northern Illinois.
Girls
When it comes to an improvement in conversation, the topic of girls pretty much has to come up. So here it is.
Since trying to restructure the foundation of my life, I have eliminated all of my past "crush remnants" (and wrote a series of entries on this Blog about it). The process was hard, and I had to let go of three girls that lingered in my life all of this time.
This wiped the slate clean. I realized then that the whole "trying to find a girlfriend" thing was something that I could not force, but rather have it come to me.
At this point in my life, there are three avenues where she can come from:
1. My past - Which is so hard since the next chapters of their own lives have been made, and we have drifted apart since then (unless there is somehow a small link keeping us together that I don't know about).
2. Through the "Enter" door at the Shell station - Such an occurance has only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since working there, where I think she is kind of cute.
3. Somewhere within the high school sports scene - Some fan, parent, young coach, or elsewhere. This has never happened in the 10 years I've been involved with journalism. I should make an important note that it is absolutely wrong to have crushes on the girls you write about at the time, as it is not only a serious breach of journalism ethic but also something very disturbing. Even if the situation is reversed, when a girl you write about has a crush on you, it is still a serious breach of ethic if you agree to persue this (even for someone like me who has been wanting a significant other for quite some time). Ethic takes precedence over crushes in this instance. I had to battle with this challenge during my short time at Sauk Valley Media, granted I had just turned 18 at the time.
Do good things happen to those who wait?
Health
I'll end with something that is still bothering me to this day.
I mentioned in my Address that I was going to do something about my health. I'm still a big, fat sitting duck.
I don't think I'll get anywhere with the point above with where I'm at now. I know I mentioned the rental opportunity in the last entry, but I'm not sure if depriving myself of money is going to help me shed some pounds. They say fasting is the worst way to lose weight.
Now if I can just find a way to make this happen, I think I'll be going a lot faster in this process.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Offer on the Table
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.21.90
Current Song - Barefoot on the Beach (Michael Franks)
Ever since leaving Sauk Valley Media eight years ago, I have been waiting for that journalism offer to pounce on.
I've heard of many writing openings over this time: LaSalle had a couple, BCR had a couple, QC Times had a couple, and both DeKalb and the Northwest Herald had a couple. In all but one instance, I was unable to find it in me to put together a resume/portfolio because of the high cost of relocation. Simply put, I was not ready to move away and live somewhere on my own.
I didn't know how much rent, water, electric, cable, gas, and phone was all going to add up to over the course of a single month. And whether I would be able to keep up with payments. I never really know a rough figure.
Until an offer was made to me recently.
The living quarters is a small house in the neighborhood that I live in. Probably more living space than I need, but the inside is predominantly white (plants and pictures can fix that). Combined expenses outside of Cable would add up to $700/month.
I make $9/hour at Shell. So let's do the math:
Actual money per hour (after taxes) would be 9 x 0.80 = $7.20/hour.
Hours needed to work/month in order to pay for it would be 700/7.2 = ~ 97.25 (divided by 4 = 24.50).
Basically, I would need to set aside a whole $175/week just for living quarters alone.
My average hours/week for the fall and winter I predict will fall at around 28. (28 x 7.2 = ~200). This would leave me with around $25 in money per month for everything else (groceries, gas, website stuff, Internet, cell phone, personal).
I would literally have to cut everything down to where there's no bone left in order to move in without changing where and when I work. I don't know if the Tightwad Gazette can help me on this one. This stage of frugalness may be permanently damaging to my social life - or even destroy it.
Unless some freak absense or vacation happens at work, I don't see myself getting anything over 30/week. What would help is if I picked up just a single shift elsewhere in the company (amounting to another $50 in my pocket/week), but even this occurance is becoming more rare.
I would almost have to man up and find a full-time job during the daytime, preferrably something from 6-2. This would give me some break time before working the nights at Shell or driving to a sports event. But this would literally give me ZERO outside time, and just 3 hours of sleep a night.
My reluctance on finding a second job of this nature is the worry of not being physically able to keep up. The last 6-2 job I had was stacking boxes at Crest. After the half-hour drive from Ashton, I would immediately lay on my bed for five hours because I was so sore afterward. This can't happen for a two-job arrangement.
Bottom line: My stamina sucks!
Most of it is the physical wreck that I am in. Part of it is the lack of desire to do such work, as it isn't the kind of work that I enjoy doing. (The kind of work that I enjoy doing is covering high school sporting events).
I hate drinking coffee, as it is too hot and I fear of becoming one of those morning divas. 5-Hour Energy is only good for 5 hours.
I don't want to overwork myself and get a heart attack. Yes, you can get those at 26 years of age. But at the same time, I need to survive.
Survive, and still be able to accomplish my dreams.
If I find myself willing to take on this challenge, hopefully I can find myself able to keep it up in a different set of living quarters far, far away. Perhaps I can actually move away and reside somewhere - the barrier that's preventing me from taking a writing job.
Speaking of the sports journalism stuff, this year I'm working on bulking up my bag of magic tricks in the form of oddball features, columns and the like. I think I have gamers down pat, except for the clock race against deadline. Once I stuff my repitoire with the bag of tricks, that's the lone writing thing that I need to work on. Problem is, I don't have the proper equipment (laptop) to perform this. With my website, I have always had the luxury of taking all night to write a story in time for a morning reader.
The only time I had a laptop while covering a game was this year's Class 4A state football final between Richmond-Burton and Rochester. I'd like to say I did pretty well with real-time writing during that game (in my opinion), but I haven't done this often enough.
Then there's designing the pages of the newspaper. Most newspapers use InDesign, which co$t$. Plus, I just don't know what to design with it outside of newspaper pages. It's one of those things that apparently I need to have, but have no use for personally.
Everything depends on whether I can ride this storm out with this rental offer.
Current Song - Barefoot on the Beach (Michael Franks)
Ever since leaving Sauk Valley Media eight years ago, I have been waiting for that journalism offer to pounce on.
I've heard of many writing openings over this time: LaSalle had a couple, BCR had a couple, QC Times had a couple, and both DeKalb and the Northwest Herald had a couple. In all but one instance, I was unable to find it in me to put together a resume/portfolio because of the high cost of relocation. Simply put, I was not ready to move away and live somewhere on my own.
I didn't know how much rent, water, electric, cable, gas, and phone was all going to add up to over the course of a single month. And whether I would be able to keep up with payments. I never really know a rough figure.
Until an offer was made to me recently.
The living quarters is a small house in the neighborhood that I live in. Probably more living space than I need, but the inside is predominantly white (plants and pictures can fix that). Combined expenses outside of Cable would add up to $700/month.
I make $9/hour at Shell. So let's do the math:
Actual money per hour (after taxes) would be 9 x 0.80 = $7.20/hour.
Hours needed to work/month in order to pay for it would be 700/7.2 = ~ 97.25 (divided by 4 = 24.50).
Basically, I would need to set aside a whole $175/week just for living quarters alone.
My average hours/week for the fall and winter I predict will fall at around 28. (28 x 7.2 = ~200). This would leave me with around $25 in money per month for everything else (groceries, gas, website stuff, Internet, cell phone, personal).
I would literally have to cut everything down to where there's no bone left in order to move in without changing where and when I work. I don't know if the Tightwad Gazette can help me on this one. This stage of frugalness may be permanently damaging to my social life - or even destroy it.
Unless some freak absense or vacation happens at work, I don't see myself getting anything over 30/week. What would help is if I picked up just a single shift elsewhere in the company (amounting to another $50 in my pocket/week), but even this occurance is becoming more rare.
I would almost have to man up and find a full-time job during the daytime, preferrably something from 6-2. This would give me some break time before working the nights at Shell or driving to a sports event. But this would literally give me ZERO outside time, and just 3 hours of sleep a night.
My reluctance on finding a second job of this nature is the worry of not being physically able to keep up. The last 6-2 job I had was stacking boxes at Crest. After the half-hour drive from Ashton, I would immediately lay on my bed for five hours because I was so sore afterward. This can't happen for a two-job arrangement.
Bottom line: My stamina sucks!
Most of it is the physical wreck that I am in. Part of it is the lack of desire to do such work, as it isn't the kind of work that I enjoy doing. (The kind of work that I enjoy doing is covering high school sporting events).
I hate drinking coffee, as it is too hot and I fear of becoming one of those morning divas. 5-Hour Energy is only good for 5 hours.
I don't want to overwork myself and get a heart attack. Yes, you can get those at 26 years of age. But at the same time, I need to survive.
Survive, and still be able to accomplish my dreams.
If I find myself willing to take on this challenge, hopefully I can find myself able to keep it up in a different set of living quarters far, far away. Perhaps I can actually move away and reside somewhere - the barrier that's preventing me from taking a writing job.
Speaking of the sports journalism stuff, this year I'm working on bulking up my bag of magic tricks in the form of oddball features, columns and the like. I think I have gamers down pat, except for the clock race against deadline. Once I stuff my repitoire with the bag of tricks, that's the lone writing thing that I need to work on. Problem is, I don't have the proper equipment (laptop) to perform this. With my website, I have always had the luxury of taking all night to write a story in time for a morning reader.
The only time I had a laptop while covering a game was this year's Class 4A state football final between Richmond-Burton and Rochester. I'd like to say I did pretty well with real-time writing during that game (in my opinion), but I haven't done this often enough.
Then there's designing the pages of the newspaper. Most newspapers use InDesign, which co$t$. Plus, I just don't know what to design with it outside of newspaper pages. It's one of those things that apparently I need to have, but have no use for personally.
Everything depends on whether I can ride this storm out with this rental offer.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The Significance of 11
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.11.90
Current Song - Amazing Grace
We lost another member of the evening coffee klatch at Shell last week. Brenda Roberts passed away on Thursday night. The Roberts, her and Joe, would come in and sit at the tables most nights at the Shell station when I was working.
As did the Schraders, Dorothy and Bill. Dorothy passed away 14 months ago this week.
Brenda's funeral is today, the 11th of September. 11 years since the attacks. The time of the funeral? 11 a.m.
It seems fitting. Joe and Brenda were married on the 11th day of the 11th month of 1961.
"They closed down City Hall. They closed down the banks on our wedding day," Joe told me one night.
No, this wasn't a little town somewhere near Tupelo. This was Waukegan.
Of course, November 11 is Veterans Day. :)
Current Song - Amazing Grace
We lost another member of the evening coffee klatch at Shell last week. Brenda Roberts passed away on Thursday night. The Roberts, her and Joe, would come in and sit at the tables most nights at the Shell station when I was working.
As did the Schraders, Dorothy and Bill. Dorothy passed away 14 months ago this week.
Brenda's funeral is today, the 11th of September. 11 years since the attacks. The time of the funeral? 11 a.m.
It seems fitting. Joe and Brenda were married on the 11th day of the 11th month of 1961.
"They closed down City Hall. They closed down the banks on our wedding day," Joe told me one night.
No, this wasn't a little town somewhere near Tupelo. This was Waukegan.
Of course, November 11 is Veterans Day. :)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Answer To This Question Is ...
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.60.90
Current Song - Love Is (Herb Alpert)
I think I got it now.
When my classmates had their little girlfriends, they started out as just friends that were girls.
To think it took me 15 years to realize this.
I have struggled with making friends over the years.
So it all starts with establishing friendships. When it comes to friends and other people, I think there are 5 kinds of friendship. This will look silly, but is the easiest way I can describe it:
1. The one-off meeting: Which is common for me when interviewing people for sports stories.
2. Your surroundings: Those that are around you constantly, my schoolmates, sportswriting colleagues and co-workers/customers.
3. Friends: Just like #2, but you'll talk to them maybe once or twice weekly within or outside of the common surrounding.
4. Good Friends: Just like #3, but the meetings occur more often. You do things together regularly.
5. Best Friends: You are literally inseperable, and such a bond is determined to last forever.
When it comes to girls, #5 pretty much means we were meant for each other. I think what it takes to find your true love is to achieve that #5 level. I look at this list and all of the girls that I know, and over time only a few #3's come to mind. I'd say most of the people I know fall under #2. Getting to that #3 level is where I struggle quite a bit.
It would be foolish to try to push these up the ladder just to find true love. I've come to realize that these things should happen naturally. This build-up process is how I believe it happens.
I guess I was an idiot back then. Call this a different process in this search. I should have done this years ago.
Current Song - Love Is (Herb Alpert)
I think I got it now.
When my classmates had their little girlfriends, they started out as just friends that were girls.
To think it took me 15 years to realize this.
I have struggled with making friends over the years.
So it all starts with establishing friendships. When it comes to friends and other people, I think there are 5 kinds of friendship. This will look silly, but is the easiest way I can describe it:
1. The one-off meeting: Which is common for me when interviewing people for sports stories.
2. Your surroundings: Those that are around you constantly, my schoolmates, sportswriting colleagues and co-workers/customers.
3. Friends: Just like #2, but you'll talk to them maybe once or twice weekly within or outside of the common surrounding.
4. Good Friends: Just like #3, but the meetings occur more often. You do things together regularly.
5. Best Friends: You are literally inseperable, and such a bond is determined to last forever.
When it comes to girls, #5 pretty much means we were meant for each other. I think what it takes to find your true love is to achieve that #5 level. I look at this list and all of the girls that I know, and over time only a few #3's come to mind. I'd say most of the people I know fall under #2. Getting to that #3 level is where I struggle quite a bit.
It would be foolish to try to push these up the ladder just to find true love. I've come to realize that these things should happen naturally. This build-up process is how I believe it happens.
I guess I was an idiot back then. Call this a different process in this search. I should have done this years ago.
Monday, September 3, 2012
No Turning Back Now
While cleaning out my desk drawer, I stumbled upon a drawing that I made while blowing off my Psychology class.
This was around 2006 or so.
I can't remember the meaning of it when I drew this, but I think this shows the feeling that my failures at love were my fault and my fault only. The pieces represent the places in my heart and they are being shattered by my own obstacles.
I guess there's no turning back now.
If you click on the picture, you can see the full-blown version.
(Those things on the sides are supposed to be hammers)
I await the angry responses.
This was around 2006 or so.
I can't remember the meaning of it when I drew this, but I think this shows the feeling that my failures at love were my fault and my fault only. The pieces represent the places in my heart and they are being shattered by my own obstacles.
I guess there's no turning back now.
If you click on the picture, you can see the full-blown version.
(Those things on the sides are supposed to be hammers)
I await the angry responses.
Extreme Makeover, Cody Edition --- Part I
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.10.90
Current Song - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles (George Harrison))
Two weeks have passed since writing about ceasing even the tiniest romantic thoughts of the girls I knew in the past. The slate has been wiped clean and it's time to start all over.
I'm in the aftermath of all of this. I hear nothing. I see nothing but a huge mess around me, like a tornado went through my mind in this crush-erasing process.
I'm personally a disheveled mess.
One of the best pieces of advice given to me over the years is to not change who you are for nobody. I look at myself now, and if I remain the same I'm not going to get anywhere.
I think the whole point of "don't change who you are" was meant for the inside of yourself, your personality and such. I look at my inside as a shiny, marble hotel lobby. I look at my outside as a bad-side-of-Detroit-like hotel exterior.
To try to make things better, I am constructing a 3-point improvement plan to help make things better for me: Environmental/Surroundings, Outside/Physical, and Inside/Mental.
I guess this is a problem that stems from having a big heart: I have cared so much about other people that I haven't cared a lot about myself. But I feel that if I care too much about myself, I'll turn into one of those pius, pompous, arrogant, world-revolves-around-me people I can't stand.
First thing's first: Try to make an effort to be somewhat neat and tidy. Everything around me is a mess. However, I have to try to not develop something like obsessive-compulsive.
Next after that: I got to get rid of at least 150 pounds. At first glance, I look like a liability to someone. This is by far the hardest thing to do.
Finally: The continuation to improve conversation and to see things through multiple pairs of shoes.
Environmental/Surroundings
I plan on spending today - Labor Day, which I asked for off of work - on trying to get my room and office cleaned and to establish a routine that helps me ensure the long-term survival of these changes.
When you head up the stairs to the second floor of my house, you'll bump right into an oscillating fan that blows toward my computer chair. When you get to the landing, the door to my bedroom is on the right, with my computer area to the left. This serves as an extension of my bedroom because there are quite a few things in it (plus, this is the only computer in the house, and this is a safer location than people running around in my bedroom).
Right next to my door is a whiteboard that still has spring sports assignments written on it. I just never got around to updating it every week. I thought this would help me organize things better, but since I haven't updated it, the whole thing just doesn't make sense.
A bunch of cords are on the floor underneath the whiteboard. These are for the computer area, and is all hooked to a tripp-lite surge that leads under my bedroom door and into my room.
Right now on my computer desk, Danny has yet to pitch his two cans of Java Monsters. I still have yet to pitch my Nestle water bottle. Things are stacked to the left of my computer screen (from top to bottom): an extra set of headphones, the football program from Harlem/Boylan, the notepad I used at that football game, my copy of Bastian's History of Whiteside County, Danny's camera, my notebook from the Dubuque Think Session last week, my planner (another thing used for organizational purposes that I never use), and some of Mike's mail.
On the wall behind my computer is a spot usually reserved for my complimentary IHSA wall calendar (they have yet to send them out), and to the right is a corkboard that I have used for over 15 years. It takes a great amount of effort to reach over and tack something on it, thus I rarely use it. On the corkboard now are a few buttons, a picture of my uncle Scott and Great-Grandpa Cutter, an old Merrill School ribbon from 1944, a Chicago-to-Elburn Pink Line schedule, ticket stubs from Rock Island, Ottawa and the IHSA State Basketball Finals, an Ernie Banks autograph, and a business card from an editor at the Freeport paper, who is no longer there.
To the left of my desk are two two-drawer file cabinets stacked on top of each other. There are magnets, but the only thing on it is a piece of paper from a supersectional basketball game that I covered. It was on the media table and it reads "Illinois Wesleyan welcomes ... Coby Carter, NIU Sports Beat".
On top of this stack of cabinets is a bin for all of my game notes, rosters, programs, etc. It is emptied when full and put in my file cabinet when so. Also on to top of it is a chrome-green colored paper weight I bought on an art trip to Milwaukee in college.
I won't even get into detail about what's in my file cabinets and desk drawers. Let alone my bedroom and closet. I will say this about my closet: some shirts will be demoted to lounging clothes.
I'm even tired of writing about all of this.
I guess you can call me a borderline hoarder. I'd like to spend all day up here and clear things out. I tried having rummage sales, but these worked to absolutely NO avail. I can't make a profit off of this stuff, so I'm just considering donating it.
OR, on an absolute longshot, bundling and trading for things I do need. I want to set aside things that I don't want, but shouldn't really throw away. If the thrift stores won't take them, I'll simply snap a picture of these things and try to trade them away.
Whatever I do want to trade, I'll post pictures of on this Blog. I've seen many of my friends use something on Facebook called the Spring Cleaning Exchange. Perhaps if I'm really in the need of dumping stuff, I could start using that.
One of the hallmarks of the laziness that I have unfortunately obtained are the piles of folded clothes still in the baskets they were put in when laundry was done. Translation - I have no dresser. The cat will get on them. I need a dresser.
Also inside my room is a large plastic bucket (the ones commonly used for play toys and such), which I bought for a trash can purpose. This should help me get rid of the stuff in my bedroom, my closet, in my desk drawers and my file cabinets.
After the upstairs has been conquered, I'd like to work on my car.
All told, I'm trying to make things look presentable. Plus, getting rid of this stuff should make it easier for me of a moving-out takes place.
It's 4:30 a.m. as I post this. I'm going to work on getting this accomplished. Wish me luck!
***
The other two facets of the improvement plan, Outside/Physical and Inside/Mental, will be written about in later entries.
Current Song - While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles (George Harrison))
Two weeks have passed since writing about ceasing even the tiniest romantic thoughts of the girls I knew in the past. The slate has been wiped clean and it's time to start all over.
I'm in the aftermath of all of this. I hear nothing. I see nothing but a huge mess around me, like a tornado went through my mind in this crush-erasing process.
I'm personally a disheveled mess.
One of the best pieces of advice given to me over the years is to not change who you are for nobody. I look at myself now, and if I remain the same I'm not going to get anywhere.
I think the whole point of "don't change who you are" was meant for the inside of yourself, your personality and such. I look at my inside as a shiny, marble hotel lobby. I look at my outside as a bad-side-of-Detroit-like hotel exterior.
To try to make things better, I am constructing a 3-point improvement plan to help make things better for me: Environmental/Surroundings, Outside/Physical, and Inside/Mental.
I guess this is a problem that stems from having a big heart: I have cared so much about other people that I haven't cared a lot about myself. But I feel that if I care too much about myself, I'll turn into one of those pius, pompous, arrogant, world-revolves-around-me people I can't stand.
First thing's first: Try to make an effort to be somewhat neat and tidy. Everything around me is a mess. However, I have to try to not develop something like obsessive-compulsive.
Next after that: I got to get rid of at least 150 pounds. At first glance, I look like a liability to someone. This is by far the hardest thing to do.
Finally: The continuation to improve conversation and to see things through multiple pairs of shoes.
Environmental/Surroundings
I plan on spending today - Labor Day, which I asked for off of work - on trying to get my room and office cleaned and to establish a routine that helps me ensure the long-term survival of these changes.
When you head up the stairs to the second floor of my house, you'll bump right into an oscillating fan that blows toward my computer chair. When you get to the landing, the door to my bedroom is on the right, with my computer area to the left. This serves as an extension of my bedroom because there are quite a few things in it (plus, this is the only computer in the house, and this is a safer location than people running around in my bedroom).
Right next to my door is a whiteboard that still has spring sports assignments written on it. I just never got around to updating it every week. I thought this would help me organize things better, but since I haven't updated it, the whole thing just doesn't make sense.
A bunch of cords are on the floor underneath the whiteboard. These are for the computer area, and is all hooked to a tripp-lite surge that leads under my bedroom door and into my room.
Right now on my computer desk, Danny has yet to pitch his two cans of Java Monsters. I still have yet to pitch my Nestle water bottle. Things are stacked to the left of my computer screen (from top to bottom): an extra set of headphones, the football program from Harlem/Boylan, the notepad I used at that football game, my copy of Bastian's History of Whiteside County, Danny's camera, my notebook from the Dubuque Think Session last week, my planner (another thing used for organizational purposes that I never use), and some of Mike's mail.
On the wall behind my computer is a spot usually reserved for my complimentary IHSA wall calendar (they have yet to send them out), and to the right is a corkboard that I have used for over 15 years. It takes a great amount of effort to reach over and tack something on it, thus I rarely use it. On the corkboard now are a few buttons, a picture of my uncle Scott and Great-Grandpa Cutter, an old Merrill School ribbon from 1944, a Chicago-to-Elburn Pink Line schedule, ticket stubs from Rock Island, Ottawa and the IHSA State Basketball Finals, an Ernie Banks autograph, and a business card from an editor at the Freeport paper, who is no longer there.
To the left of my desk are two two-drawer file cabinets stacked on top of each other. There are magnets, but the only thing on it is a piece of paper from a supersectional basketball game that I covered. It was on the media table and it reads "Illinois Wesleyan welcomes ... Coby Carter, NIU Sports Beat".
On top of this stack of cabinets is a bin for all of my game notes, rosters, programs, etc. It is emptied when full and put in my file cabinet when so. Also on to top of it is a chrome-green colored paper weight I bought on an art trip to Milwaukee in college.
I won't even get into detail about what's in my file cabinets and desk drawers. Let alone my bedroom and closet. I will say this about my closet: some shirts will be demoted to lounging clothes.
I'm even tired of writing about all of this.
I guess you can call me a borderline hoarder. I'd like to spend all day up here and clear things out. I tried having rummage sales, but these worked to absolutely NO avail. I can't make a profit off of this stuff, so I'm just considering donating it.
OR, on an absolute longshot, bundling and trading for things I do need. I want to set aside things that I don't want, but shouldn't really throw away. If the thrift stores won't take them, I'll simply snap a picture of these things and try to trade them away.
Whatever I do want to trade, I'll post pictures of on this Blog. I've seen many of my friends use something on Facebook called the Spring Cleaning Exchange. Perhaps if I'm really in the need of dumping stuff, I could start using that.
One of the hallmarks of the laziness that I have unfortunately obtained are the piles of folded clothes still in the baskets they were put in when laundry was done. Translation - I have no dresser. The cat will get on them. I need a dresser.
Also inside my room is a large plastic bucket (the ones commonly used for play toys and such), which I bought for a trash can purpose. This should help me get rid of the stuff in my bedroom, my closet, in my desk drawers and my file cabinets.
After the upstairs has been conquered, I'd like to work on my car.
All told, I'm trying to make things look presentable. Plus, getting rid of this stuff should make it easier for me of a moving-out takes place.
It's 4:30 a.m. as I post this. I'm going to work on getting this accomplished. Wish me luck!
***
The other two facets of the improvement plan, Outside/Physical and Inside/Mental, will be written about in later entries.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
2002 Dixon Volleyball Invitational
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.03.80
Current Song - Dream On (Aerosmith)
When it comes to the most-cherished sports teams that I have covered in journalism:
1. Rock Falls Softball 2004 - for obvious reasons.
2. Rock Falls Volleyball 2002 - a team that I haven't written about as much. But I will now:
***
I recently wrote a column marking my 10th anniversary in journalism. While thinking back at the origins, I started to find that moment that would become the true turning point in my career.
It happened at the 2002 Dixon Volleyball Invitational.
I was working for Prep Sports Online, publishers of the high school sports websites for Sterling, Rock Falls, Dixon and Newman high schools. My duty was to work with the football and volleyball teams at Sterling, but for overtime purposes I would do the occasional Rock Falls game.
I had known several girls on the Rocket volleyball team from the summer league softball days - the ones a year ahead of me in high school (juniors). Marilyn may had also been on varsity as a sophomore, I can't recall right now. I had introduced them to this new website thing and so on.
In an effort to get as much content as possible on our PSO websites, I came up with the idea to bundle some things together at the Dixon Volleyball Invitational, where 3 of our schools were competing. I wanted to shoot three birds with a single stone here.
Because I was an official manager for the Sterling Volleyball team at the time, I rode to Dixon on their bus. I would focus on Sterling's matches, while quickly going over to either Rock Falls's or Dixon's matches to catch a little of them on video as well.
The Invitational wasn't a great one for Sterling. I think Sterling went winless and had an early exit. This meant I had to go back with the team. For insurance purposes, if you ride with the team to the game, you ride back with the team unless special permission from the parent is recieved. This, of course, spawned a huge conflict. Rock Falls was competing for either the title or 3rd place (I can't remember which), and it would be a shame if I didn't get that particular match captured.
I remember my coach finding me and telling me "we're ready to go!" I couldn't go. I told her that PSO had told me to tape this Rock Falls match as well, and so forth. We debate this for a while in the Dixon athletic office and making phone calls and all that. Finally, she came up with the idea that I never actually came down here with the team.
I was going to call my parents afterward for a ride back. I didn't bring my cell phone because I didn't need it, but I had rounded up enough change to find a pay phone. I was going to walk across the bridge into downtown and find a payphone to call my parents from.
After taping the game, I took a little break on a bench just outside of Dixon's gym. The Rock Falls team was ready to go board the van when one of them came up to me and offered me a ride back into town. (I'm thinking it was either Kelly or Bree).
Something like this was unheard of at the time. The first thing I thought was, "did you ask Sheila first?" Soon enough I was riding shotgun back to Sterling. Keep in mind, to get from Dixon to Rock Falls, it was easier to drive down Dixon Avenue/Rock Island Road. We went through Sterling. They were going to drop me off at my house ... well, now a bus-full of girls knew where I lived.
Riding in the front seat of the van back into Sterling, I was trying to piece together this act of generosity and why this all came about. I couldn't quite figure out why, but in the end this moment meant a lot to me. I wanted to cover Rock Falls a little more often after that.
It was after that when I began splitting my work time between Sterling and Rock Falls, but for that fall I remained Sterling's volleyball manager.
Perhaps the climax of all of this took place at Rock Falls's senior night against Dixon. I had a commitment with the Sterling girls that night and couldn't make it. The other PSO writer, Rocky, had covered it. The next day Rocky and I were at the office and he had told me about his assignment. Apparently one of the senior girls, Chelsea, had asked Rocky, "Where's Cody at????"
This meant a lot to me for many reasons. Primarily, it let me know that my work was appreciated by another side of the river in addition to Sterling. I was apparently doing something right when another audience, instead of the one I'm supposed to work with, appreciates my work. I also put myself in a position where I was working with more people than usual. I started keeping tabs on both schools, and one thing led to another.
Another gratifying comment happened with my work with the Dixon Girls Basketball team that winter. They had upset Sterling (AT Sterling) for the regional title. The star of the team, Tara, had thanked me after the game for all I did with the Dixon site. (On a side note, my work with Dixon led to my falling from grace at SHS).
Looking back now, if I had never been offered that ride back home from Dixon by the Rock Falls volleyball team, I'd have a different journalism future right now.
Current Song - Dream On (Aerosmith)
When it comes to the most-cherished sports teams that I have covered in journalism:
1. Rock Falls Softball 2004 - for obvious reasons.
2. Rock Falls Volleyball 2002 - a team that I haven't written about as much. But I will now:
***
I recently wrote a column marking my 10th anniversary in journalism. While thinking back at the origins, I started to find that moment that would become the true turning point in my career.
It happened at the 2002 Dixon Volleyball Invitational.
I was working for Prep Sports Online, publishers of the high school sports websites for Sterling, Rock Falls, Dixon and Newman high schools. My duty was to work with the football and volleyball teams at Sterling, but for overtime purposes I would do the occasional Rock Falls game.
I had known several girls on the Rocket volleyball team from the summer league softball days - the ones a year ahead of me in high school (juniors). Marilyn may had also been on varsity as a sophomore, I can't recall right now. I had introduced them to this new website thing and so on.
In an effort to get as much content as possible on our PSO websites, I came up with the idea to bundle some things together at the Dixon Volleyball Invitational, where 3 of our schools were competing. I wanted to shoot three birds with a single stone here.
Because I was an official manager for the Sterling Volleyball team at the time, I rode to Dixon on their bus. I would focus on Sterling's matches, while quickly going over to either Rock Falls's or Dixon's matches to catch a little of them on video as well.
The Invitational wasn't a great one for Sterling. I think Sterling went winless and had an early exit. This meant I had to go back with the team. For insurance purposes, if you ride with the team to the game, you ride back with the team unless special permission from the parent is recieved. This, of course, spawned a huge conflict. Rock Falls was competing for either the title or 3rd place (I can't remember which), and it would be a shame if I didn't get that particular match captured.
I remember my coach finding me and telling me "we're ready to go!" I couldn't go. I told her that PSO had told me to tape this Rock Falls match as well, and so forth. We debate this for a while in the Dixon athletic office and making phone calls and all that. Finally, she came up with the idea that I never actually came down here with the team.
I was going to call my parents afterward for a ride back. I didn't bring my cell phone because I didn't need it, but I had rounded up enough change to find a pay phone. I was going to walk across the bridge into downtown and find a payphone to call my parents from.
After taping the game, I took a little break on a bench just outside of Dixon's gym. The Rock Falls team was ready to go board the van when one of them came up to me and offered me a ride back into town. (I'm thinking it was either Kelly or Bree).
Something like this was unheard of at the time. The first thing I thought was, "did you ask Sheila first?" Soon enough I was riding shotgun back to Sterling. Keep in mind, to get from Dixon to Rock Falls, it was easier to drive down Dixon Avenue/Rock Island Road. We went through Sterling. They were going to drop me off at my house ... well, now a bus-full of girls knew where I lived.
Riding in the front seat of the van back into Sterling, I was trying to piece together this act of generosity and why this all came about. I couldn't quite figure out why, but in the end this moment meant a lot to me. I wanted to cover Rock Falls a little more often after that.
It was after that when I began splitting my work time between Sterling and Rock Falls, but for that fall I remained Sterling's volleyball manager.
Perhaps the climax of all of this took place at Rock Falls's senior night against Dixon. I had a commitment with the Sterling girls that night and couldn't make it. The other PSO writer, Rocky, had covered it. The next day Rocky and I were at the office and he had told me about his assignment. Apparently one of the senior girls, Chelsea, had asked Rocky, "Where's Cody at????"
This meant a lot to me for many reasons. Primarily, it let me know that my work was appreciated by another side of the river in addition to Sterling. I was apparently doing something right when another audience, instead of the one I'm supposed to work with, appreciates my work. I also put myself in a position where I was working with more people than usual. I started keeping tabs on both schools, and one thing led to another.
Another gratifying comment happened with my work with the Dixon Girls Basketball team that winter. They had upset Sterling (AT Sterling) for the regional title. The star of the team, Tara, had thanked me after the game for all I did with the Dixon site. (On a side note, my work with Dixon led to my falling from grace at SHS).
Looking back now, if I had never been offered that ride back home from Dixon by the Rock Falls volleyball team, I'd have a different journalism future right now.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Friendships - The Longer, The Stronger
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.82.80
Current Song - Something About You (Level 42)
In an effort to quit thinking about the troubles of my past, I have to go back to it and figure out what NOT to think of. You can't change the past, but I've found out that you can tune some parts of it out.
The more "past" stuff you tune out, the easier it is to think ahead more than think backward.
I've been told a couple of important pieces of advice lately: Not to let the past define who you are; and not to change for anyone.
There are 2 versions of my past: The one I left behind in Rock Falls, and the one that was with me at Sterling.
I've written a lot on here about how great my past was at Rock Falls, and how it was not-so-much at Sterling. I look back at my fifth grade experience and socially I felt more sad and disappointed.
I feel that people looked at me in 5th grade differently, as opposed to Merrill. I was more reclusive because I just couldn't find a way to click with this new crowd. They saw all of my flaws on the outside, called it weird, and forever defined me based on this only. It's like they didn't want to know who I really was, or didn't have the time to.
That's why I constantly whine about wanting to go back in time and change it so that I didn't move. I know I can't do it, though.
There were 4 other new kids in my 5th grade class, 2 of them came in mid-year. I could only watch as Josh and Ryan were picked on and pushed over because of flaws. I looked at these moments and kind of figured that they were doing that to me, too.
They didn't have enough information to define me (except for two classmates that I once had at Merrill), and went by only what they knew. Via the melting pot theory, this is what people knew of me at Challand, too - and it stuck, with my Sterling classmates growing accustomed to this definition of me.
Sometimes I felt like taking an unorthodox approach to fit in, such as the Top 50 List. Each and every effort backfired and made me worse.
I may have moved away at the most inopportune time - 4th grade into 5th grade.
If only I could ask those that teach the higher grade of elementary school this:
1) Is it human nature for "new kids" in 4th and 5th grade to be defined based on so little?
2) Was I dealt a bad hand of classmates for 5th grade?
I'm trying to figure out if #2 was possible. Then I know what to tune out when it comes to my past. I know what I'm NOT tuning out for sure: those days at Merrill, Jefferson and Wallace. When I found myself very disappointed in Sterling, I ran away across the river. Everything was happy, and I couldn't quite figure out what made Rock Falls different from Sterling.
(Now, as I turn the tables on them for picking on me, I have to say that they are not bad people. They were just that way when it came to me, and me only)
When I got re-acquainted with my old friends from Rock Falls , their memory of me had ceased when I moved away after fourth grade. Therefore, they weren't influenced by this assumption bullshit that started in fifth grade.
I grew up with them. They knew exactly who I was. They told their friends of what I was like then, and based their conclusions of me from just that. And that's why I embrace them more.
Yes, I had flaws while growing up at Merrill, but at least my classmates there were able to see what kind of person I was inside.
I've found myself in larger and easier conversations with my Merrill classmates than anyone from Sterling. I've been fortunate enough to maintain these friendships and memories dating nearly 20 years, even if I only see them once or twice a month anymore.
Just before high school graduation, I paid a visit to Merrill. I had lost all of my yearbooks and class pictures from that time (But I still had my 1st grade Spelling book and Birthday Cards from my 2nd grade classmates - I was sick on my birthday). My third-grade teacher helped me out, as well as another teacher. They asked me why I was doing this. I told them that they (my classmates) were a part of my past that defined me and that I had great memories of. I wanted something - a reminder - to appreciate as I moved forward into college.
We grew up together. These were the people that I grew up with and have the fondest memories of. These people are the ropes that I want to hold on to as I move forward with my life.
That is, if these people are willing to let me keep in touch.
Current Song - Something About You (Level 42)
In an effort to quit thinking about the troubles of my past, I have to go back to it and figure out what NOT to think of. You can't change the past, but I've found out that you can tune some parts of it out.
The more "past" stuff you tune out, the easier it is to think ahead more than think backward.
I've been told a couple of important pieces of advice lately: Not to let the past define who you are; and not to change for anyone.
There are 2 versions of my past: The one I left behind in Rock Falls, and the one that was with me at Sterling.
I've written a lot on here about how great my past was at Rock Falls, and how it was not-so-much at Sterling. I look back at my fifth grade experience and socially I felt more sad and disappointed.
I feel that people looked at me in 5th grade differently, as opposed to Merrill. I was more reclusive because I just couldn't find a way to click with this new crowd. They saw all of my flaws on the outside, called it weird, and forever defined me based on this only. It's like they didn't want to know who I really was, or didn't have the time to.
That's why I constantly whine about wanting to go back in time and change it so that I didn't move. I know I can't do it, though.
There were 4 other new kids in my 5th grade class, 2 of them came in mid-year. I could only watch as Josh and Ryan were picked on and pushed over because of flaws. I looked at these moments and kind of figured that they were doing that to me, too.
They didn't have enough information to define me (except for two classmates that I once had at Merrill), and went by only what they knew. Via the melting pot theory, this is what people knew of me at Challand, too - and it stuck, with my Sterling classmates growing accustomed to this definition of me.
Sometimes I felt like taking an unorthodox approach to fit in, such as the Top 50 List. Each and every effort backfired and made me worse.
I may have moved away at the most inopportune time - 4th grade into 5th grade.
If only I could ask those that teach the higher grade of elementary school this:
1) Is it human nature for "new kids" in 4th and 5th grade to be defined based on so little?
2) Was I dealt a bad hand of classmates for 5th grade?
I'm trying to figure out if #2 was possible. Then I know what to tune out when it comes to my past. I know what I'm NOT tuning out for sure: those days at Merrill, Jefferson and Wallace. When I found myself very disappointed in Sterling, I ran away across the river. Everything was happy, and I couldn't quite figure out what made Rock Falls different from Sterling.
(Now, as I turn the tables on them for picking on me, I have to say that they are not bad people. They were just that way when it came to me, and me only)
When I got re-acquainted with my old friends from Rock Falls , their memory of me had ceased when I moved away after fourth grade. Therefore, they weren't influenced by this assumption bullshit that started in fifth grade.
I grew up with them. They knew exactly who I was. They told their friends of what I was like then, and based their conclusions of me from just that. And that's why I embrace them more.
Yes, I had flaws while growing up at Merrill, but at least my classmates there were able to see what kind of person I was inside.
I've found myself in larger and easier conversations with my Merrill classmates than anyone from Sterling. I've been fortunate enough to maintain these friendships and memories dating nearly 20 years, even if I only see them once or twice a month anymore.
Just before high school graduation, I paid a visit to Merrill. I had lost all of my yearbooks and class pictures from that time (But I still had my 1st grade Spelling book and Birthday Cards from my 2nd grade classmates - I was sick on my birthday). My third-grade teacher helped me out, as well as another teacher. They asked me why I was doing this. I told them that they (my classmates) were a part of my past that defined me and that I had great memories of. I wanted something - a reminder - to appreciate as I moved forward into college.
We grew up together. These were the people that I grew up with and have the fondest memories of. These people are the ropes that I want to hold on to as I move forward with my life.
That is, if these people are willing to let me keep in touch.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Evaulating My Conversation Abilities
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.62.80
Current Song - Take a Chance on Me (ABBA)
I have a hard time saying "I love you" to a girl that I truly love. This pains me deeply.
That starts with the inability to make conversation - to ANYONE.
***
I am coming up on 6 years of working at gas stations, the thing that I'm doing until I find a real journalism job.
I spent the entire 2005-06 school year out of work, simply because I wanted to devote time to the website and try to find a job come the summer. Gas stations were not for me at the time. However, I think my dad's words resonated in my head come September: "Maybe you'll make, I don't know, new friends ..." (and he didn't say that nicely).
I guess the point he was getting at was that I would be able to talk more and make more conversation. Throughout middle school and high school, if you heard me talk it was a rare occurance. I would only talk when someone was talking to me.
That largely brought me back working again, at BP.
The "making new friends" part? It really didn't hit until I started working at Shell, where there is a table that people can sit around. Only as of late is that starting to come around.
What I CAN announce progress of is finding the connecting pieces to continue conversation. It's little progress, but is still remarkable. I'm still quiet, but when talked to, I am finding it easier to carry on the conversation through questions and digging through my related stories.
Lately, I have tried to use humor to prolong discussion. While I'm working the cash register, I'll sometimes make mistakes and I'll make light of this through either making fun of myself or turning the mood into a fun one. Just as long as I don't do this on purpose.
While I feel that I have improved in getting more words out of my mouth as a gas station clerk, I am still extremely struggling at interactions with people I know from school.
***
I feel when people I knew in high school (both students and teachers) stop by my gas station, they feel that I'm still the same person that I was in high school - one that rarely ever spoke in class and even at all. I can't quite talk to people that I know the same way that I talk to people that I don't know all that well.
That's what I'm trying to get out of.
Luckilly, I have maintained my network of friends from high school (and from both sides of the river). I guess my actions speak louder than my spoken words. In this day of age with Facebook, Twitter and text messaging, talking about people behind other's backs has become easier to do. Their visual memory of me is that of a silent person. Thus, when they see that this same person is not silent, something seems off.
While this would mark a lot of progress, I have this fear that when people notice me talking more that they'll tell all of their friends that something is not right (or that I may need medical assistance or counseling).
I also don't like initiating icebreakers to people that I already know: topics such as weather, gas prices, current news and the like. Then it seems like an obvious attempt at me trying to make conversation for the sake of saying that I can make conversation. Thus, it's all about "me" and not "you." I kind of fear that.
***
It's not like I don't talk because there's nothing on my mind. OF COURSE there is always something on my mind (why do you think I have this Blog?). For the past month, the topic of schooltime crushes on girls has been on my mind.
I could talk about this extensively, as well as high school sports-related topics. But what makes of afraid to speak about what's on my mind is when we are on opposite worlds. "Yeah, so what." and the fear of being unintersting or boring. I fear the awkwardness of a random subject.
I have found that my most comfortable way in engaging in converation with friends from school is about the PAST in the form of "remember when?" (This sounds like the SNL skit "The Chris Farley Show")
***
I feel weird when asking an obvious question. Likewise, I hate when questions that have obvious answers are asked to me.
Say a friend brings a boat to the gas station to top off its tank. Why should I be saying, "Are you going boating?" Well, duh, of course he is going boating.
When people look at a sign that says "out of order," why do they ask me if it is out of order? I have to roll my eyes at this. That's why I don't ask questions like this, as I may get the rolled-over look. They think I'm stupid or something.
Such questions can go 2 ways: an icebreaker or a stupid question. I can't find any gray area with this, and that's what makes me afraid to ask such questions.
***
Sometimes conversations can end abruptly. This happens when I say something to drain out the conversation process. In recent conversations, I often find myself looking for that quick exit to end the conversation. I don't really know why.
***
When it comes to starting an exchange, the question of "What's up?" is often posed. I get this question all of the time at work, and all I can think of is "not much." Sometimes I say "Good" as if I think they are saying "how are you?" when they are really not.
When I say "not much" it is used as an excuse to not engage in dialogue because I don't think the other person will understand what I'm talking about. If I literally went into detail about what was up with me, it would wreak of drama.
After 6 years of greeting gas station customers, it's turned into a habit. "What's up" is always met by "not much" without me thinking about it first. I guess this is may own fault.
***
As mentioned, I was very quiet in school and rarely initiated any conversation unless it was absolutely necessary. Thus, I could NEVER find it in me to make converational-based phone calls to fellow classmates like everyone else did.
The last time I made a conversational-based phone call to a classmate was in 7th grade. Yes, 7th grade.
Just before this, I had made the call to the girl I liked at the time - the one I gave a rose to at the school dance - and this featured the yes-or-no "going out" question.
Not too long after that I was involved with the Challand Talent Show. I was eventually kicked out of this show right in the middle of rehersal. Many of my classmates were excited that I was going to be a part of this: Seth, Pat, Corey, Nathan, Daniel, Ted, Cooper, Derek, Brian, etc. I was kicked out for saying "tampons" in an impersonation.
Rather than look like a fool come showtime - as they would have thought I chickened out at the last minute - I decided to call my friends up one-by-one and explain what happened. It was the first phone call they had ever gotten from Cody Cutter - ever. I remember calling Corey first, and then the rest seemed easy after that. I picked Corey because he was the most talkative, and I thought I could pick something up from that.
Since that time, I never really had a need to make phone calls to engage in conversational dialogue. The times just never happened.
This is because I eventually run out of things to say - and thus the conversation ends earlier than planned, and much to my extreme disappointment. I get so frustrated that I can't find a way to extend the conversation that the other person just walks away and moves on.
I can't simply wake up one day and call someone that I know from school. I just do not know what to say. I fear the randomness of the questions will just suck. Then the word gets out to the rest of my friends that I'm completely bad at it, and so on and so on.
This feeling is so much worse off today, when a good portion of my school friends have a married life with kids.
I would feel like a fool for interfering with their life out of the total blue. Another fear that makes me bad at conversation.
***
In order to have the confidence to move on to the next chapter in my life, I need this.
Current Song - Take a Chance on Me (ABBA)
I have a hard time saying "I love you" to a girl that I truly love. This pains me deeply.
That starts with the inability to make conversation - to ANYONE.
***
I am coming up on 6 years of working at gas stations, the thing that I'm doing until I find a real journalism job.
I spent the entire 2005-06 school year out of work, simply because I wanted to devote time to the website and try to find a job come the summer. Gas stations were not for me at the time. However, I think my dad's words resonated in my head come September: "Maybe you'll make, I don't know, new friends ..." (and he didn't say that nicely).
I guess the point he was getting at was that I would be able to talk more and make more conversation. Throughout middle school and high school, if you heard me talk it was a rare occurance. I would only talk when someone was talking to me.
That largely brought me back working again, at BP.
The "making new friends" part? It really didn't hit until I started working at Shell, where there is a table that people can sit around. Only as of late is that starting to come around.
What I CAN announce progress of is finding the connecting pieces to continue conversation. It's little progress, but is still remarkable. I'm still quiet, but when talked to, I am finding it easier to carry on the conversation through questions and digging through my related stories.
Lately, I have tried to use humor to prolong discussion. While I'm working the cash register, I'll sometimes make mistakes and I'll make light of this through either making fun of myself or turning the mood into a fun one. Just as long as I don't do this on purpose.
While I feel that I have improved in getting more words out of my mouth as a gas station clerk, I am still extremely struggling at interactions with people I know from school.
***
I feel when people I knew in high school (both students and teachers) stop by my gas station, they feel that I'm still the same person that I was in high school - one that rarely ever spoke in class and even at all. I can't quite talk to people that I know the same way that I talk to people that I don't know all that well.
That's what I'm trying to get out of.
Luckilly, I have maintained my network of friends from high school (and from both sides of the river). I guess my actions speak louder than my spoken words. In this day of age with Facebook, Twitter and text messaging, talking about people behind other's backs has become easier to do. Their visual memory of me is that of a silent person. Thus, when they see that this same person is not silent, something seems off.
While this would mark a lot of progress, I have this fear that when people notice me talking more that they'll tell all of their friends that something is not right (or that I may need medical assistance or counseling).
I also don't like initiating icebreakers to people that I already know: topics such as weather, gas prices, current news and the like. Then it seems like an obvious attempt at me trying to make conversation for the sake of saying that I can make conversation. Thus, it's all about "me" and not "you." I kind of fear that.
***
It's not like I don't talk because there's nothing on my mind. OF COURSE there is always something on my mind (why do you think I have this Blog?). For the past month, the topic of schooltime crushes on girls has been on my mind.
I could talk about this extensively, as well as high school sports-related topics. But what makes of afraid to speak about what's on my mind is when we are on opposite worlds. "Yeah, so what." and the fear of being unintersting or boring. I fear the awkwardness of a random subject.
I have found that my most comfortable way in engaging in converation with friends from school is about the PAST in the form of "remember when?" (This sounds like the SNL skit "The Chris Farley Show")
***
I feel weird when asking an obvious question. Likewise, I hate when questions that have obvious answers are asked to me.
Say a friend brings a boat to the gas station to top off its tank. Why should I be saying, "Are you going boating?" Well, duh, of course he is going boating.
When people look at a sign that says "out of order," why do they ask me if it is out of order? I have to roll my eyes at this. That's why I don't ask questions like this, as I may get the rolled-over look. They think I'm stupid or something.
Such questions can go 2 ways: an icebreaker or a stupid question. I can't find any gray area with this, and that's what makes me afraid to ask such questions.
***
Sometimes conversations can end abruptly. This happens when I say something to drain out the conversation process. In recent conversations, I often find myself looking for that quick exit to end the conversation. I don't really know why.
***
When it comes to starting an exchange, the question of "What's up?" is often posed. I get this question all of the time at work, and all I can think of is "not much." Sometimes I say "Good" as if I think they are saying "how are you?" when they are really not.
When I say "not much" it is used as an excuse to not engage in dialogue because I don't think the other person will understand what I'm talking about. If I literally went into detail about what was up with me, it would wreak of drama.
After 6 years of greeting gas station customers, it's turned into a habit. "What's up" is always met by "not much" without me thinking about it first. I guess this is may own fault.
***
As mentioned, I was very quiet in school and rarely initiated any conversation unless it was absolutely necessary. Thus, I could NEVER find it in me to make converational-based phone calls to fellow classmates like everyone else did.
The last time I made a conversational-based phone call to a classmate was in 7th grade. Yes, 7th grade.
Just before this, I had made the call to the girl I liked at the time - the one I gave a rose to at the school dance - and this featured the yes-or-no "going out" question.
Not too long after that I was involved with the Challand Talent Show. I was eventually kicked out of this show right in the middle of rehersal. Many of my classmates were excited that I was going to be a part of this: Seth, Pat, Corey, Nathan, Daniel, Ted, Cooper, Derek, Brian, etc. I was kicked out for saying "tampons" in an impersonation.
Rather than look like a fool come showtime - as they would have thought I chickened out at the last minute - I decided to call my friends up one-by-one and explain what happened. It was the first phone call they had ever gotten from Cody Cutter - ever. I remember calling Corey first, and then the rest seemed easy after that. I picked Corey because he was the most talkative, and I thought I could pick something up from that.
Since that time, I never really had a need to make phone calls to engage in conversational dialogue. The times just never happened.
This is because I eventually run out of things to say - and thus the conversation ends earlier than planned, and much to my extreme disappointment. I get so frustrated that I can't find a way to extend the conversation that the other person just walks away and moves on.
I can't simply wake up one day and call someone that I know from school. I just do not know what to say. I fear the randomness of the questions will just suck. Then the word gets out to the rest of my friends that I'm completely bad at it, and so on and so on.
This feeling is so much worse off today, when a good portion of my school friends have a married life with kids.
I would feel like a fool for interfering with their life out of the total blue. Another fear that makes me bad at conversation.
***
In order to have the confidence to move on to the next chapter in my life, I need this.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Dubuque Think Session
Cutter's Log - Supplemental
I was an angry mood last night.
Those in the sports world know what it's like when the Publisher of Northern Illinois Sports Beat gets angry. I feel like I have to withdraw from the world and take a breather. That breather was right smack in the middle of Friday. I was going to cover a football game, but I was just too pissed to cover something at the moment.
You see, I often get picked on for trying to keep up with journalism trends although I don't work for a newspaper, radio station or TV station. Who the hell does this "Cody kid" think he is, they say? It's like they - mostly print people - are trying hold me down whenever I try something different. It's like their mission is also to "Beat Cody" at all costs. I'm not saying all of print does this, but I have a feeling that there are certain people that enjoy making me look like an idiot and want to kick me out of the area sports scene.
I'm out-gunned. I'm out-resourced. I'm out-financed. I'm out-manned. I'm out-equipped. My conversation skills are far behind those. But I want to survive.
I don't do this for money. I don't get paid for what I do. It's all out of my own time and heart. And I don't do it for any awards.
What did I do to deserve this? I'm sick of it.
Now, granted, they aren't going to stop doing what they do, and they do a great job at it. They really do, and it's great work. What I just don't like are those who do it with making me look bad in mind.
This feeling made me sick, and I couldn't find myself to cover a football game.
So I ran away. Dubuque.
I ran up and down the hills of JoDaviess County and weaving through the valleys until crossing the bridge into Dubuque. I go to Dubuque maybe once or twice a month (a lot of those for blackjack at Diamond Jo) and it is a neat city.
I escaped what was troubling me and was soon staring at it from the other side. I was staring at the front corner gate to what I like to call my website "kingdom." I was staring at it in disgust while sitting at a bench along the Riverwalk.
I had hoped to find a solution, and eventually find that prayer booth (which is along the Riverwalk and looks like a phone booth) and pray for better things. I wound up not being able to find that booth.
My profession, my passion is being denied somehow. I try so hard, it's like they want to wipe me from the face of this area. What did I do wrong? I don't know. I'm sick of it. Absolutely sick of it. Pressure got to me and I retreated myself to another emergency "think session."
I'm so angry right now. I love my profession. Why do people want to take it away from me?
I know one thing: Telling them to stop is not an option. That would look foolish, and stupid. And it would look absolutely wrong to place a monopoly on high school sports coverage. I've had people suggest to me that it would happen one day, and I have told them absolutely not - as it would be disrespectful to the newspapers.
Remember in Star Wars when one of Darth Vader's generals stood up and declared that the Death Star is the most powerful thing in the universe? Then he got force choked? I actually had someone declare that the website is or will be the most powerful thing in the area when it comes to prep sports coverage. I had to kind of force choke this guy into getting him to shut up. Not gonna happen, people.
While trying to balance respect with trying to keep my career alive, I needed to think and think fast.
I found a drug store near one of the colleges and bought a spiral notebook. I didn't want to leave Dubuque until I took up every page of this notebook. I went back to the Riverwalk, and while staring at the area that I really do love, and scribbled notes on every one of the 70 pages (not taking up every line - which would take forever). These were website ideas that I could use one day. I'm not giving them out on here.
And if you're one of those people that's thinking about stealing this notebook, you're one of those people that I am angry at.
I spent several hours sitting at this bench, finally leaving around 2 a.m. I don't know anyone in Dubuque all that well and if I did (I just know of some college students at Dubuque, Loras and Clarke that I formerly covered in high school) I would probably make arrangements for a nap on a couch. (BTW the only 24-hour gas station closest to downtown is in a rough part of the city) My hand hurt like hell - and still does - but I had to get home.
So I crossed the moat on Route 20 back into the "kingdom."
Don't be scared of me. I'm not going to go on a violent spree of things. I just want to pick myself back up again.
Just quit picking on me. I'm sick and tired of being kicked to the curb.
I was an angry mood last night.
Those in the sports world know what it's like when the Publisher of Northern Illinois Sports Beat gets angry. I feel like I have to withdraw from the world and take a breather. That breather was right smack in the middle of Friday. I was going to cover a football game, but I was just too pissed to cover something at the moment.
You see, I often get picked on for trying to keep up with journalism trends although I don't work for a newspaper, radio station or TV station. Who the hell does this "Cody kid" think he is, they say? It's like they - mostly print people - are trying hold me down whenever I try something different. It's like their mission is also to "Beat Cody" at all costs. I'm not saying all of print does this, but I have a feeling that there are certain people that enjoy making me look like an idiot and want to kick me out of the area sports scene.
I'm out-gunned. I'm out-resourced. I'm out-financed. I'm out-manned. I'm out-equipped. My conversation skills are far behind those. But I want to survive.
I don't do this for money. I don't get paid for what I do. It's all out of my own time and heart. And I don't do it for any awards.
What did I do to deserve this? I'm sick of it.
Now, granted, they aren't going to stop doing what they do, and they do a great job at it. They really do, and it's great work. What I just don't like are those who do it with making me look bad in mind.
This feeling made me sick, and I couldn't find myself to cover a football game.
So I ran away. Dubuque.
I ran up and down the hills of JoDaviess County and weaving through the valleys until crossing the bridge into Dubuque. I go to Dubuque maybe once or twice a month (a lot of those for blackjack at Diamond Jo) and it is a neat city.
I escaped what was troubling me and was soon staring at it from the other side. I was staring at the front corner gate to what I like to call my website "kingdom." I was staring at it in disgust while sitting at a bench along the Riverwalk.
I had hoped to find a solution, and eventually find that prayer booth (which is along the Riverwalk and looks like a phone booth) and pray for better things. I wound up not being able to find that booth.
My profession, my passion is being denied somehow. I try so hard, it's like they want to wipe me from the face of this area. What did I do wrong? I don't know. I'm sick of it. Absolutely sick of it. Pressure got to me and I retreated myself to another emergency "think session."
I'm so angry right now. I love my profession. Why do people want to take it away from me?
I know one thing: Telling them to stop is not an option. That would look foolish, and stupid. And it would look absolutely wrong to place a monopoly on high school sports coverage. I've had people suggest to me that it would happen one day, and I have told them absolutely not - as it would be disrespectful to the newspapers.
Remember in Star Wars when one of Darth Vader's generals stood up and declared that the Death Star is the most powerful thing in the universe? Then he got force choked? I actually had someone declare that the website is or will be the most powerful thing in the area when it comes to prep sports coverage. I had to kind of force choke this guy into getting him to shut up. Not gonna happen, people.
While trying to balance respect with trying to keep my career alive, I needed to think and think fast.
I found a drug store near one of the colleges and bought a spiral notebook. I didn't want to leave Dubuque until I took up every page of this notebook. I went back to the Riverwalk, and while staring at the area that I really do love, and scribbled notes on every one of the 70 pages (not taking up every line - which would take forever). These were website ideas that I could use one day. I'm not giving them out on here.
And if you're one of those people that's thinking about stealing this notebook, you're one of those people that I am angry at.
I spent several hours sitting at this bench, finally leaving around 2 a.m. I don't know anyone in Dubuque all that well and if I did (I just know of some college students at Dubuque, Loras and Clarke that I formerly covered in high school) I would probably make arrangements for a nap on a couch. (BTW the only 24-hour gas station closest to downtown is in a rough part of the city) My hand hurt like hell - and still does - but I had to get home.
So I crossed the moat on Route 20 back into the "kingdom."
Don't be scared of me. I'm not going to go on a violent spree of things. I just want to pick myself back up again.
Just quit picking on me. I'm sick and tired of being kicked to the curb.
Dear Journal ...
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.52.80
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
#35's Waste of Space has been around since April of 2005 - more than seven years. The current archive dates back to the summer of 2007, as I have been using Blogspot since then.
When I started this blog, I was getting ready to graduate from high school. I wanted to use the blog to document the transition phase in my life from high school to college. I honestly didn't see this lasting for more than seven years. But here it is.
Writing wasn't a problem for me, but I had to think back to something that I consider the predecessor to #35's Waste of Space. This isn't a blog, but a written journal.
I found this journal recently while going through some boxes. The journal had a lock on it (which has since been busted) and was Coca-Cola themed. This documented the last two months of fifth grade, the following summer and the early days of sixth grade. The inspiration behind that? Doug Funnie.
Doug loved Patty Mayonnaise. I loved someone, too.
Having access to Cody's journal was worth more than gold to my fifth grade classmates. That's because I would write in it at recess and lock it.
I know I had tried to erase crush memories just recently, but I had to take a look inside my old journal. Sure enough, the withdrawl symptoms would hit.
Looking back at this, I'm glad I still have it around as it documents a very important part of my life - when I learned to keep myself up after feeling down after moving.
On the inside front cover, I wrote a bunch of "I (heart) (her name)"s over it. These entries were mostly a paragraph summary of the school day, with every moment of interaction with her detailed. Every smiling glance. Every time she pushed me. The time when she begged to help me pass out birthday treats. The time she kept smiling at me at least 50 times in a hour during class, and made kissing noises. The time she kissed me on the cheek. "Light My Fire" during the field trip to Galena.
There were a couple of entries that puzzled me. In one entry "she had asked if I'm still her boyfriend." In another I refer to her as "my girlfriend." It's funny that I don't actually recall this; we were never boyfriend/girlfriend or else I would have remembered it and things would have been MUCH different.
I didn't keep this journal updated regularly after fifth grade. It was just one of those things that I grew out of. But I didn't grow out of writing. Working with words would lead to the writing of short spy stories in 6th grade, which eventually led to the Top 50 List.
How ironic that only a couple of days after sending her a message, I find this journal.
I haven't heard back from her. I don't expect to. This was a very long time ago and we've both moved on.
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)
#35's Waste of Space has been around since April of 2005 - more than seven years. The current archive dates back to the summer of 2007, as I have been using Blogspot since then.
When I started this blog, I was getting ready to graduate from high school. I wanted to use the blog to document the transition phase in my life from high school to college. I honestly didn't see this lasting for more than seven years. But here it is.
Writing wasn't a problem for me, but I had to think back to something that I consider the predecessor to #35's Waste of Space. This isn't a blog, but a written journal.
I found this journal recently while going through some boxes. The journal had a lock on it (which has since been busted) and was Coca-Cola themed. This documented the last two months of fifth grade, the following summer and the early days of sixth grade. The inspiration behind that? Doug Funnie.
Doug loved Patty Mayonnaise. I loved someone, too.
Having access to Cody's journal was worth more than gold to my fifth grade classmates. That's because I would write in it at recess and lock it.
I know I had tried to erase crush memories just recently, but I had to take a look inside my old journal. Sure enough, the withdrawl symptoms would hit.
Looking back at this, I'm glad I still have it around as it documents a very important part of my life - when I learned to keep myself up after feeling down after moving.
On the inside front cover, I wrote a bunch of "I (heart) (her name)"s over it. These entries were mostly a paragraph summary of the school day, with every moment of interaction with her detailed. Every smiling glance. Every time she pushed me. The time when she begged to help me pass out birthday treats. The time she kept smiling at me at least 50 times in a hour during class, and made kissing noises. The time she kissed me on the cheek. "Light My Fire" during the field trip to Galena.
There were a couple of entries that puzzled me. In one entry "she had asked if I'm still her boyfriend." In another I refer to her as "my girlfriend." It's funny that I don't actually recall this; we were never boyfriend/girlfriend or else I would have remembered it and things would have been MUCH different.
I didn't keep this journal updated regularly after fifth grade. It was just one of those things that I grew out of. But I didn't grow out of writing. Working with words would lead to the writing of short spy stories in 6th grade, which eventually led to the Top 50 List.
How ironic that only a couple of days after sending her a message, I find this journal.
I haven't heard back from her. I don't expect to. This was a very long time ago and we've both moved on.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
All “Crush” Remnants Have Been Eradicated
The theme for this special entry: “Don't You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds. Listening to this while reading this may give you a feeling for what I'm writing here.
---
In the past month, I have written some very deep Blog entries detailing my history with girls. This will be my final entry on the theme.
In my mental nature, it takes me a LONG time to get rid of the grip of the crushes that I have. As mentioned before, I have had many – 20 to be exact.
I had debated, and asked for advice, regarding the release of names. I think most classmates of mine know of at least two girls. I thought that releasing names would get my head clear even more, but the more I think about this it is really a privacy matter. However, perhaps the time will come at a later date when I can tell these names.
Out of the 20 crushes: 1 in pre-school. 1 at Jefferson. 1 at Merrill. 2 at Lincoln. 6 more at Challand. 8 during high school (on both sides of the river). 1 in college.
You read that right, I had a crush on someone in pre-school. I don't think boys know this thing called love at age 5. I did for some reason. Usually the first sign of love in someone is a psychological trait in all little kids through “I love my mommy,” and was extended by showing of love from my aunt and from my grandmother. (Whether my first female playmate, my cousin Samantha, had anything to do with this, I don't know). I think this carried over to television cartoon characters such as Eureeka from “Eureeka's Castle” and Penny from “Inspector Gadget.”
I will never forget one scene from Eureeka's Castle when Eureeka was sleepy and wanted to take a nap. She yawned and spoke very softly in her high-pitched voice. It was probably the first minor sexual thrill I ever had. How that led to that, I just don't know. After that, it became solidified in my head that girls were very likeable, unless they provoke me. When we lived in Sterling (the first time) there was a girl my age that lived next door, and a couple more kitty-corner from that girl's house. All three provoked me in some way.
When I went to preschool for the first time, I was around quite a few girls that were my age. They didn't seem as bad as these three that lived near me. This solidified my belief, brought upon by Eureeka, that girls aren't so bad after all. They were better if they looked more like Cinderella and had the bright hair that Eureeka had.
Enter my first crush. Nevermind the fact that she had to get around with a cane. She was pretty. That's all I remember of her, however. I cannot remember any memories of interaction. Perhaps my preschool teachers know.
When I went to Jefferson for kindergarten, this girl I consider my first crush was not there. At this stage in my life, I believed that there had to be that ONE girl that I liked. Who could serve as that girl? (This is a thought process frowned upon by teenagers today, but it was simply human nature for me at age 6.) Kindergarten was also where I learned about friendship, and Seth was that friend for me. Along the way I think I told him that I liked this one girl in our class. Word may have gotten out, I don't know.
Remember that naptime thing from Eureeka's Castle? We had naptime in kindergarten, with those red and blue folding cushions. I remember sometimes trying to find a place to nap next to, or near, this girl I liked. That was crush No. 2.
Three schools in three years: We moved to Rock Falls and I went to Merrill. A whole different group of people. But it didn't take me too long to bring back that loving feeling. All I had to do was look to the desk to my left in my first-grade class. She reminded me of my first crush on how pretty she was, and also reminded me of the niceness of my second crush.
This crush lasted for four years – all of my years at Merrill – and I didn't have a crush on anyone else during that time. It's not who most people today think it is, and perhaps only I and my best friend Jared ever knew who it was. This brought about the first moment of actual admittance: Jared had insisted that I tell her, and went as far as bringing me over to his house and sitting on his porch with a phone. Apparently he knew the phone # and everything.
I couldn't find the courage in me to tell her directly that I loved her. I think the moment she found out was in fourth grade, where I wound up sitting next to her AGAIN. This was the stage where moments of love start to enter the minds of kids. In doing so, kids like to show their message through a pencil drawing of a heart with the girl's name in it. I had drawn one of her, and during a desk-cleaning she found it.
Then I moved away again.
I never went into detail about my first three crushes on this Blog before. But everything changed after finding this wonderful girl in fifth grade. With this being my last entry on this subject, I thought it would be appropriate to detail the history of how I became introduced to loving girls.
I never believed in that “cooties” crap.
***
The three early crushes were easily forgotten after having one on the fourth. I mention this in full detail in the final part of the entry, “Trying to Find Closure.” She was the girl that brought new meaning to what I knew about love.
Once I began growing up, the feeling of love became more defined and the crushes began to rotate between different people – hence the Top 50 List. Because of shyness, lack of communication abilities on my part, and the respect for all things nice, when I had a crush on someone it stays in my mind for a long, long time. “Respect for all things nice” sounds a lot like the Rock Falls softball girls. While I have said that I will always love them, I only had crushes on three of them.
Of the 14 crushes that I had in middle and high schools, four of them were forgotten before graduating.
As I was contemplating the rest of my life after high school, I still had remnants of 11 past crushes. As we all drifted apart, I had scrubbed away 6 of them during the first year of college, while having a crush on someone else during that time. That left remnants of 5.
The final five at that time range in having known them for as little as two years, and as long as 13.
As my future was become more defined, I had a brief hint that it was indeed time to move on. Plus, this is the time when relationships become much more stronger and leaning toward eventual marriage.
***
The final 3. The race to the finish line. Please don't get this confused with "deleting me from your life," as all of these girls will never be deleted from my life - just in the "crush" sense only.
One I had known since 1993. The other since 1997. The other since 1999. What had kept these three girls in my mind were their hearts, kindness, warmth, niceness, etc.
For four years I couldn't completely get these crush remnants, these tiny hints of it, of them out of my mind. Since then, two of them had gotten married, and both have kids. These two were the ones I never had the courage to admit to loving them. It only occurred to me within the past year that THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL.
My apologies to their husbands. I had tried to scrub these memories away, and perhaps it was bad timing.
It was high time to tear down the crush-related memories that I dwelled on for a long time of these two, and quickly. I had built a process toward doing this, starting with the first Blog entry on this subject. These two were going to be the first to go (the one I knew for the least amount of time first, then the most about of time next), with the one other coming last.
A couple of weeks ago I was able to finally convince myself to get rid of the first remaining. It had been a very long time since we had last seen each other. Since knowing her, she had been the most nicest to me from the other side of the river. What made me put these memories into the books was pretty much not seeing her a whole lot after college. It just kind of grew old and disappeared. My apologies to her and her husband, for me taking so long during this overlap.
As mentioned at the start, I think most classmates of mine know of at least two girls that I had a crush on. These two were the last ones to go.
Then came the process of scrubbing away crush-related memories of someone I have known for nearly 20 years – but only had a crush and later kind-of-crush on for the past 10 or so. She was just like the girl I had just mentioned, but was more reserved and shy when we were to ever talk. Plus the fact that I had known her even before all of this.
But unlike the girl I just mentioned, I would see her every now and again. Seeing people that I once liked becomes a visual memory of days past. Then, for a hint, the thought of “what if” and “could I still” would pop up. I had to slap myself in the face and tell myself that it just isn't possible anymore. It took me a month to do this, but I finally – finally – convinced myself that it was over last week. My apologies to her and her husband, for me taking so long during this overlap.
That left one – the one that had the most impact at a very critical moment in my life. The one whose been in my mind the longest: 15 years. She isn't married, and I wasn't sure if she was even dating anyone. That's what made her the hardest one to get rid of: the “what if” and “could I still.” I would see her every once in a while also.
I think it was all of the momentum that was thought out when trying to get rid of the one before this one. Now that she was the only one, it was tough to stop myself from having any belief. That's when I thought of the last Love Letter. I sent it yesterday morning.
Today was it.
All of my “Crush” remnants have been eradicated now.
The slate has been wiped clean.
I can now move on with my life at a faster speed than before.
This also means that I am once again looking for that special woman in my life, without anything holding me back.
Without anything holding me back.
Next Chapter ...
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Techno Logic
Cutter's Log – Stardate 2102.22.80
Current Song – Stone In Love (Journey)
I decided to experiment with video during the season-opening volleyball match between Sterling and Rock Falls at Tabor Gym.
“Experiment” meaning breaking down a wall in the form of underclassmen coverage.
The plan was to film all of the sophomore match and all of the varsity match, which I wound up doing successfully. Normally in journalism, only the varsity gets the media treatment. I had been thinking about underclassmen incorporation for a few years now, and this is one of the steps toward breaking down that wall. (Just so happens that I went to grade school with RF's sophomore coach).
I'll have a column or Publisher's Desk note about underclassmen coverage some time in the near future.
With a bunch of video saved on my camera, now came the hardest part of all: saving, chopping, downloading and publishing. It's taking longer than I thought.
It's been six hours since I started working on it, and as of this writing I'm waiting for the sophomore clips to be uploaded onto YouTube, where I then have to bunch together and finally publish. (It should be noted that I'm originally typing these words onto a Word document instead of on the Blog platform because my Internet is so slow due to the uploading).
First came saving the master copies onto the computer. Then came finding what clips to divide and eventually dividing them.
I wound up choosing 27 sophomore clips. I'm regretting the large number now. I'd rather have it at 10 next time. I also wound up choosing 30 varsity clips, not counting all of the postgame interviews. Ten. Ten, Cody. Ten.
Along this process I have found some quagmires with timestamps, especially with uploading. When uploaded, all of my clips are scattered on the Internet in random order. So I have to eventually piece them together like a jigsaw puzzle.
I can only hope the quality turns out better.
One of the great things about experimenting is that you can take notes on your baby steps. Then you can find things to change later when another time comes around. Needing to decrease the montages to fewer clips is one of the things circled in my scratch paper next to my keyboard.
I am planning on releasing the sophomore montage right away, and the varsity montage for Thursday's front page. Then a Q&A on a Boylan Golfer for Friday (long overdue) before headed to the yet-to-be-determined Week 1 football game.
This is going to be a very interesting year.
Current Song – Stone In Love (Journey)
I decided to experiment with video during the season-opening volleyball match between Sterling and Rock Falls at Tabor Gym.
“Experiment” meaning breaking down a wall in the form of underclassmen coverage.
The plan was to film all of the sophomore match and all of the varsity match, which I wound up doing successfully. Normally in journalism, only the varsity gets the media treatment. I had been thinking about underclassmen incorporation for a few years now, and this is one of the steps toward breaking down that wall. (Just so happens that I went to grade school with RF's sophomore coach).
I'll have a column or Publisher's Desk note about underclassmen coverage some time in the near future.
With a bunch of video saved on my camera, now came the hardest part of all: saving, chopping, downloading and publishing. It's taking longer than I thought.
It's been six hours since I started working on it, and as of this writing I'm waiting for the sophomore clips to be uploaded onto YouTube, where I then have to bunch together and finally publish. (It should be noted that I'm originally typing these words onto a Word document instead of on the Blog platform because my Internet is so slow due to the uploading).
First came saving the master copies onto the computer. Then came finding what clips to divide and eventually dividing them.
I wound up choosing 27 sophomore clips. I'm regretting the large number now. I'd rather have it at 10 next time. I also wound up choosing 30 varsity clips, not counting all of the postgame interviews. Ten. Ten, Cody. Ten.
Along this process I have found some quagmires with timestamps, especially with uploading. When uploaded, all of my clips are scattered on the Internet in random order. So I have to eventually piece them together like a jigsaw puzzle.
I can only hope the quality turns out better.
One of the great things about experimenting is that you can take notes on your baby steps. Then you can find things to change later when another time comes around. Needing to decrease the montages to fewer clips is one of the things circled in my scratch paper next to my keyboard.
I am planning on releasing the sophomore montage right away, and the varsity montage for Thursday's front page. Then a Q&A on a Boylan Golfer for Friday (long overdue) before headed to the yet-to-be-determined Week 1 football game.
This is going to be a very interesting year.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Self-Checkouts
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.12.80
Current Song - Early In The Morning (Gap Band)
I never thought Wal-Mart would cut back in anything.
My Wal-Mart store in Sterling had a very noticible cutback recently. You can only see the change during the late shift - where I shop on nights when I get off work at 1 a.m.
Wal-Mart used to have a single checkout lane open late at night. The lane was the one with all of the cigarettes, so they could be sold all 24 hours. Then they moved it closer to the exit, in one of those 10-items-or-less lanes.
Now they have no manned registers and are going the late-night Tollway method.
I have rarely used a self-checkout lane, mostly because I know that I'm pretty slow at getting things out of the cart and into the bagging area.
What bothered me a lot was the alert: "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." and so on ...
While I'm trying to get the baggage area problem rectified, there comes the alert: "Do you need more time?"
In trying to not be annoyed by these alerts, I go as calmly as possible without slamming any cans of fruit through the scanning glass and breaking it. I found out that going through an actual checkout lane was less stressful on my patience than "Unexpected item in baggage area."
In this recent trip to Wal-Mart, I had the rare opportunity to use a shopping cart for my items as I couldn't carry these things in my hands.
Ever been to Wal-Mart late at night? That's when all of the stocking is done in the grocery aisles, and you feel like you're invisible.
When I had to get to the self-checkout lane, I had to stop for a moment and think about how to do this. It seemed like a two-person job for my expanded grocery list - I can't imagine a grocery trip for a family of 10 and a self-checkout lane.
So when I put my cart in place, I took each item one-by-one and scanned it and placed it into the bag. Then I took the next item from the cart, scanned it, and put it in the bag.
This timidness when it comes to checkout lanes stems from some bad experiences at Aldi - you know, the store where cart use costs a quarter and you don't even take out the same cart you brought in. The clerks at my Aldi (both the new one and the old one on Avenue G) would literally reach across the counter, quickly scan the items and THROW them into the cart.
By the way, how is it possible to go to Aldi to buy just three things? By doing that you screw up their precious little cart system.
(Side note: "You grew up in Sterling/Rock Falls if" you ran along the Aldi bagging counter as a kid.)
I'm so used to the regular checkout, going back to the days when I would ride my bike to Rock Falls Eagle's as a chore to pick up the token thing(s) for the house. Because of this, I think I'll always have a preference to the regular checkout.
Current Song - Early In The Morning (Gap Band)
I never thought Wal-Mart would cut back in anything.
My Wal-Mart store in Sterling had a very noticible cutback recently. You can only see the change during the late shift - where I shop on nights when I get off work at 1 a.m.
Wal-Mart used to have a single checkout lane open late at night. The lane was the one with all of the cigarettes, so they could be sold all 24 hours. Then they moved it closer to the exit, in one of those 10-items-or-less lanes.
Now they have no manned registers and are going the late-night Tollway method.
I have rarely used a self-checkout lane, mostly because I know that I'm pretty slow at getting things out of the cart and into the bagging area.
What bothered me a lot was the alert: "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." "Unexpected item in baggage area." and so on ...
While I'm trying to get the baggage area problem rectified, there comes the alert: "Do you need more time?"
In trying to not be annoyed by these alerts, I go as calmly as possible without slamming any cans of fruit through the scanning glass and breaking it. I found out that going through an actual checkout lane was less stressful on my patience than "Unexpected item in baggage area."
In this recent trip to Wal-Mart, I had the rare opportunity to use a shopping cart for my items as I couldn't carry these things in my hands.
Ever been to Wal-Mart late at night? That's when all of the stocking is done in the grocery aisles, and you feel like you're invisible.
When I had to get to the self-checkout lane, I had to stop for a moment and think about how to do this. It seemed like a two-person job for my expanded grocery list - I can't imagine a grocery trip for a family of 10 and a self-checkout lane.
So when I put my cart in place, I took each item one-by-one and scanned it and placed it into the bag. Then I took the next item from the cart, scanned it, and put it in the bag.
This timidness when it comes to checkout lanes stems from some bad experiences at Aldi - you know, the store where cart use costs a quarter and you don't even take out the same cart you brought in. The clerks at my Aldi (both the new one and the old one on Avenue G) would literally reach across the counter, quickly scan the items and THROW them into the cart.
By the way, how is it possible to go to Aldi to buy just three things? By doing that you screw up their precious little cart system.
(Side note: "You grew up in Sterling/Rock Falls if" you ran along the Aldi bagging counter as a kid.)
I'm so used to the regular checkout, going back to the days when I would ride my bike to Rock Falls Eagle's as a chore to pick up the token thing(s) for the house. Because of this, I think I'll always have a preference to the regular checkout.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Trying to Find Closure
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.02.80
Current Song - Take a Bow (Madonna)
In trying to ease away memories of my past, I remembered a note written on the back of a picture.
That note referred to a letter that I wrote. I remember writing it, about what I thought of her and how much she meant to me. Something this well-thought-out had to take me a while to write. Draft after draft after draft after draft ...
I wanted to perfect them to make that lasting impression. "Them" meaning I wrote to more girls at the same time.
Somehow I remembered saving a copy of the letter to the girl in my photo, as I typed them all up.
I'm looking back at this letter and thinking, "DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?!?!?!?"
The letter opens with the word "dearest" in the greeting. DEAREST? I wrote that? Wow.
I had to read the letter line-by-line with a piece of blank paper covering the rest of the copy. The first paragraph seemed simple until writing about eternity "together." I wrote that? Wow.
Starting the second paragraph, I'm telling myself, "No. I did NOT send this! I had to have edited it somehow!!"
It's funny though, in the 2nd paragraph I predicted - 7 years ago - that without her I would live a lonely life. Well I guess I was right on that part. Not her fault, though.
I used the word "baby" in describing her (between commas). I wrote that? Wow.
I wrote that I would change myself. Well, so much for that 7 years later.
"Love always and forever, Cody"
No. No. No. I didn't send this copy. I couldn't have. The fear would have been too much. But if I did, I guess nothing negative happened as a result.
***
I wrote the letter knowing that the chances of seeing all of each other again would be slim as we went forward with our lives after high school. There was no gel keeping all of us together in person anymore, unless a reunion was possible.
But there's really no drift right now as the closeness still remains the same. Sure, we're all moving forward, and when we do so, we move further and further away from our past.
That's what I'd like to do. No, not completely forget the memories, but keeping the friendships alive and putting the dreams into history - for the sole purpose of looking back and laughing about it later.
I think this is it now. This should have been stated a few years ago, but why now I just don't know.
I think this is it now.
She - in the "dreams and romance" form only - is out of my mind.
Moving on now ...
***
We now move to someone else.
She has just as much meaning to my life as the girl I just mentioned. But this one was a few years before.
When I was first feeling moments of disappointment and self-doubt, this particular girl was the image that lifted me up. This was fifth grade, and I had just moved to Sterling.
She never got a letter just before high school graduation. But the more I think of it now, she should have.
When you're the new kid, you get tested and a paper trail forms of you based on so little. I was a little awkward, and they let me know about it in some very bad ways. (Knowing all of the presidents of the United States backwards was awesome at Merrill, but nerdy at Lincoln. Why, I don't know.)
But there was one girl that I saw heart from. She remained the influence of all things good for the rest of our school days together. I did my best to show her how much I loved, cared and respected her.
I kept her 5th grade Valentine to me. It was of Piglet and Eeyore, with my name written just above Eeyore and her name just above Piglet. The white envelope had "Cody" written on it with "XOXOXO" written above and to the side. The bottom of the envelope had little hearts and she circled the group of hearts with her pencil.
I had a crush on someone for 4 years at Merrill. But this feeling at Lincoln was so much different, and deeper.
When I wrote about not being able to say the words "I love you" to any girl since 7th grade, she was one of those girls that I actually DID say those words to ... back in fifth grade. I looked back at my school days just as I was walking in the high school graduation procession and suddenly realized that I - the more grown-up version of me - wasn't able to tell her "I love you" and exactly why I loved her.
I still haven't.
I don't know what the reaction would be. My guess is negatively. She thinks I'm from the weird pile, and probably prefers that I stay there for the rest of her life.
When it comes to finding closure and getting her - in the "dreams and romance" form - out of my mind, I have to take another step.
I've got another letter in the works. After that, it's just a matter of getting it to her, wherever she is.
And when that happens, I think I can move forward just a little bit more quicker.
As for friendships, my hand's out. Where's her's?
Current Song - Take a Bow (Madonna)
In trying to ease away memories of my past, I remembered a note written on the back of a picture.
That note referred to a letter that I wrote. I remember writing it, about what I thought of her and how much she meant to me. Something this well-thought-out had to take me a while to write. Draft after draft after draft after draft ...
I wanted to perfect them to make that lasting impression. "Them" meaning I wrote to more girls at the same time.
Somehow I remembered saving a copy of the letter to the girl in my photo, as I typed them all up.
I'm looking back at this letter and thinking, "DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?!?!?!?"
The letter opens with the word "dearest" in the greeting. DEAREST? I wrote that? Wow.
I had to read the letter line-by-line with a piece of blank paper covering the rest of the copy. The first paragraph seemed simple until writing about eternity "together." I wrote that? Wow.
Starting the second paragraph, I'm telling myself, "No. I did NOT send this! I had to have edited it somehow!!"
It's funny though, in the 2nd paragraph I predicted - 7 years ago - that without her I would live a lonely life. Well I guess I was right on that part. Not her fault, though.
I used the word "baby" in describing her (between commas). I wrote that? Wow.
I wrote that I would change myself. Well, so much for that 7 years later.
"Love always and forever, Cody"
No. No. No. I didn't send this copy. I couldn't have. The fear would have been too much. But if I did, I guess nothing negative happened as a result.
***
I wrote the letter knowing that the chances of seeing all of each other again would be slim as we went forward with our lives after high school. There was no gel keeping all of us together in person anymore, unless a reunion was possible.
But there's really no drift right now as the closeness still remains the same. Sure, we're all moving forward, and when we do so, we move further and further away from our past.
That's what I'd like to do. No, not completely forget the memories, but keeping the friendships alive and putting the dreams into history - for the sole purpose of looking back and laughing about it later.
I think this is it now. This should have been stated a few years ago, but why now I just don't know.
I think this is it now.
She - in the "dreams and romance" form only - is out of my mind.
Moving on now ...
***
We now move to someone else.
She has just as much meaning to my life as the girl I just mentioned. But this one was a few years before.
When I was first feeling moments of disappointment and self-doubt, this particular girl was the image that lifted me up. This was fifth grade, and I had just moved to Sterling.
She never got a letter just before high school graduation. But the more I think of it now, she should have.
When you're the new kid, you get tested and a paper trail forms of you based on so little. I was a little awkward, and they let me know about it in some very bad ways. (Knowing all of the presidents of the United States backwards was awesome at Merrill, but nerdy at Lincoln. Why, I don't know.)
But there was one girl that I saw heart from. She remained the influence of all things good for the rest of our school days together. I did my best to show her how much I loved, cared and respected her.
I kept her 5th grade Valentine to me. It was of Piglet and Eeyore, with my name written just above Eeyore and her name just above Piglet. The white envelope had "Cody" written on it with "XOXOXO" written above and to the side. The bottom of the envelope had little hearts and she circled the group of hearts with her pencil.
I had a crush on someone for 4 years at Merrill. But this feeling at Lincoln was so much different, and deeper.
When I wrote about not being able to say the words "I love you" to any girl since 7th grade, she was one of those girls that I actually DID say those words to ... back in fifth grade. I looked back at my school days just as I was walking in the high school graduation procession and suddenly realized that I - the more grown-up version of me - wasn't able to tell her "I love you" and exactly why I loved her.
I still haven't.
I don't know what the reaction would be. My guess is negatively. She thinks I'm from the weird pile, and probably prefers that I stay there for the rest of her life.
When it comes to finding closure and getting her - in the "dreams and romance" form - out of my mind, I have to take another step.
I've got another letter in the works. After that, it's just a matter of getting it to her, wherever she is.
And when that happens, I think I can move forward just a little bit more quicker.
As for friendships, my hand's out. Where's her's?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
There's a Tug on My Lotto #s
Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.91.80
Current Song - Circle of Life (Elton John)
Earlier this month I wrote a Blog entry that was read by at least two people that I know. Two people that mean a lot to me.
Sometimes I'm a believer in numbers and signs leading to luck. That night after finding out they read it I played their birthdates as Pick 4 numbers. Didn't work.
I added in some more birthdays into the latest big Powerball choice of numbers. Didn't work. Figures, I rarely every play the Powerball and Mega Millions.
However, I am more likely to play the Lotto. Saturday's jackpot of 5.75 million for Lotto is considered moderately high, so I decided to fill out a playcard with certain numbers. Six birthdates on one line and another certain number associated to them on the other line. All for $1.
The six birthdates were: 01-09-11-14-27-28
The six other numbers were: 01-02-09-23-24-35
Saturday's numbers for Lotto came in as follows: 10-12-14-28-35
I worked at Shell last night and went to print out the numbers from the machine as I usually do at 10:10. I looked at the Lotto offering and had to stare at it for a while.
I only matched two numbers on the birthdate line (14 and 28) and was two numbers away (if 09 would have been 10, and if 11 would have been 12) from getting four-of-six numbers for a ~$30 prize.
What made me stare at this even more was the presence of 14 and 28. These two birthdate days represented the second half of Pick 4 numbers I mentioned at the beginning of this entry.
And any day I can hit 35 correctly is a good day.
I didn't win anything today, but this draw sure caught my attention!
Current Song - Circle of Life (Elton John)
Earlier this month I wrote a Blog entry that was read by at least two people that I know. Two people that mean a lot to me.
Sometimes I'm a believer in numbers and signs leading to luck. That night after finding out they read it I played their birthdates as Pick 4 numbers. Didn't work.
I added in some more birthdays into the latest big Powerball choice of numbers. Didn't work. Figures, I rarely every play the Powerball and Mega Millions.
However, I am more likely to play the Lotto. Saturday's jackpot of 5.75 million for Lotto is considered moderately high, so I decided to fill out a playcard with certain numbers. Six birthdates on one line and another certain number associated to them on the other line. All for $1.
The six birthdates were: 01-09-11-14-27-28
The six other numbers were: 01-02-09-23-24-35
Saturday's numbers for Lotto came in as follows: 10-12-14-28-35
I worked at Shell last night and went to print out the numbers from the machine as I usually do at 10:10. I looked at the Lotto offering and had to stare at it for a while.
I only matched two numbers on the birthdate line (14 and 28) and was two numbers away (if 09 would have been 10, and if 11 would have been 12) from getting four-of-six numbers for a ~$30 prize.
What made me stare at this even more was the presence of 14 and 28. These two birthdate days represented the second half of Pick 4 numbers I mentioned at the beginning of this entry.
And any day I can hit 35 correctly is a good day.
I didn't win anything today, but this draw sure caught my attention!
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