It's Sad Anymore

Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.72.21
Current Song - Just The Two of Us (Bill Withers)

Apparently in this time of progression in one's life, I am in decline for some reason.

Apparently I'm not on top of things. Apparently my three little brothers have all passed me over and have discarded me as nothing but unsalvagable trash. What did I do to deserve that? Is it because I try to be true to my oldest-brotherly obligation to give them the world? I try to do things to help establish themselves as prepared individuals for the real world, and apparently that is a stupid mistake. Apparently I've taught them so much that they are unhappy with how I go about my own business.

I mean, try to establish a relationship with a girl. I'll try to go the extra mile for my brothers in this case, because I know it is too late for me. It was too late for me a long time ago.

If you were at it on your own, what would you do? Don't rely on me to spoonfeed you whenever I am present. Bad decision.

Now they've surpassed me in more terms than imaginable, and I'm paying for it. They're smarter than me, and how did that happen????

I think I know why. What did they have that I didn't? Yes, some sort of social life.

I've told this story countless times, but in a nutshell it was difficult for me to make friends. I made a few, but I just never seemed to keep up my end of the rope. There were things that I wanted to do, and morals that I stuck to, and things kind of drifted apart.

One worshipped things I didn't like, and another passed around a joint. My morals come first. In fact, there is this real cute girl I like somewhere in northern Illinois, but I will stick with my morals and say that I am too old for her and this is not right. I want do do the right thing, but sometimes that leads into a deeper downward spiral. Thank the Lord that I don't drink, smoke or snort. Any dismissal of what morals that had been mentioned will lead to a bad reputation, and I don't want that.

Up until my freshman year, I had "best friends." Then one thing led to another and it was me that did the pulling away from them. They made some choices that I didn't agree with, and I simply walked away. I wanted to look for more lifelines, and I event went backward for a while (to Rock Falls). Nothing truly materialized.

Now I am sitting on a chair in front of a computer for most of the day. And when I'm not doing that, I'm covering a sports event or sleeping.

High school sports is really the only thing that is keeping my mouth moving, and I've made friends through that circle. But when I'm covering games, often times I don't know anyone else at the particular game. I have had people tell me that I should do more Sterling and/or Rock Falls games, and that way I would be around people that I know, but there is this thing called journalistic neutrality that beckons me away from that.

Lately I have tried to establish friendships with coaches and athletes during games I cover. The key word is "try." Obviously they have lives of their own, and I don't see them hardly any more after the postgame interview.

***
So getting back to the current day, I think my lack of social life has made me extremely so in so many regards. There is a bag of chips that is sitting on top of my computer printer, and I don't know when I'll ... okay, I just put them back downstairs.

It's things like that which are mentally pummeling me at this time. I apparently forget to do a lot of things, and get ticked off when I'm told to do something - but that is because my train of thought has just been interrupted. I'm likely formulating a story and then I'm told to pick up Dan at the school; my train of thought has just been interrupted.

Things like this are drawing the ire of my own parents. Now their patience has worn thin. If I don't do something about it, things are going to get worse. But how do I start? Where do I start? What's it going to take to contribute my fair share in this house that me, my parents and Danny all live in. The sacrifices just seem like too much.

My parents are worn out themselves, and here I am struggling to get my mind in order.

I think back to how Mike, Chris and Dan are all as good as they are. What's the X-factor in all of this? An enjoyable, worry-free life with a strong support group. I have none of that.

It's going to be a long, tough road.

These are the things that make me cry.