Dates of the Blind Kind

Cutter's Log - Supplemental

The last blog entry made me think of a struggle I've had since I first laid eyes on this girl in preschool. That was 20 years ago and nothing has worked on other girls since.

I mentioned a little about how temporary work is like going on a blind date.

Knowing me, if someone set me up on a blind date it would be with the worst girl in the school. It's a dead-end street: either you become humilated because of who your date is, or you become looked at as horrible because you made someone sad. The chances of me - someone who has never had a girlfriend - having a good blind date is one in a million. A bad blind date? one in one.

Ladies and gentlemen, the above paragraph is why I bitch a lot. And probably why no one has dared to set me up on a blind date. I don't even have mistakes to learn from yet.

They say I don't even try. That's probably I'm not at the "trying stage" yet, in fact I'm probably at some negative step, step no. -13 or something. Fix this, fix that, fix this, and tweak that and maybe - just maybe - I'll have a long shot.

Then I know now that it's all a matter of "you don't have confidence in yourself." Truthfully I don't see it, and to do at it blindfolded would lead to worse effects. Other than taking my body to American Restoration (the TV show), how do I renovate myself?

But wait, doesn't renovating myself lead to me not "being myself."

Well, crud. Back to square -13.

One college day I was bored and decided to take the eHarmony test simply to pass time. There were 258 questions, encompassing 29 dimensions of compatibility, and I must have failed somehow. 258 questions is probably the amount of questions I have to ask myself about a girl in order for her to become compatible to me.

I've tried trimming down the number of questions to ask myself. But still I can see small details that raise a red flag telling me that this is not going to work out between us. I'm too finite, and I don't know how to stop myself.

Just came to a realization - I'm too finite. That's why I can't succeed.

I think the way to cure this in regards to my struggle with girls is going through the relationship motions. From there, I can ask myself whether or not I can truly deal with such issues. When an issue arises, to stop and think about how to correct the issue and make it positive - in other words, what can I do to make it better?

If I am to improve on getting rid of my finite details, I need to have a girl above my expectation level - and at the same time be someone who is barely above, at, or barely below her expectation level. The most perfect scenario would be to pair myself with someone who looks at me as far below her expectation level, and thus be able to learn more ways to correct things. But that's just not going to happen.

It's going to take some tries in order to become perfect in this situation. I think most of my friends my age have gone through five girls already. With my special-case scenario, it'll probably take 10.

Tonight I learned that there is indeed a tomorrow.

Now it's just a matter of breaking the ice.

Any input is welcome.