Why I Haven't Been Smiling Lately

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.01.60
Current Song - Don't Lose My Number (Phil Collins)

Over the past couple of weeks, I have apparently found many more reminders that everyone I know is moving forward ... and I am not.

When it comes to love, I see things from people my age that remind me just how far behind the curve I am.

When it comes to friendships, I see things from people my age that remind me just how far behind the curve I am.

Why them, and not me? Why them, and not me? Why am I so far behind?

All of this has led to a really mopy Cody.

I was reminded at the State Softball finals that I needed to smile more. I trust his advice. And I tried throughout the weekend.

Then not too long after I clocked in at work on Sunday, I was reminded by someone else - one that doesn't know me - that "You ... need to smile more. You always look like you're pissed off all of the time." I don't know this person, but apparently must come in often.

Since there were other people around me, I didn't show my true emotion. Therefore, I still looked like I was pissed. Of course I was pissed - someone just said something negative about me. I had to wait until the store was empty to let out my true feelings about what was said about me. Simply staring blankly into space most of the time. Only when I parked my car in front of my house did I cry.

No one understands just how far behind I am. No one I know knows how to fix it. When you live alone with little contact (because I don't quite know how to engage in consistent contact), you get all of these emotional feelings bottled up. If the walls of my house could talk, they'd be screaming for someone to help me.

Meanwhile, I'll just try to survive the best I can.