Strides in Conversation

Cutter's Log - Stardate 3102.12.60
Current Song - Ain't No Stopping Us Now (McFadden & Whitehead)

Improving on my conversation abilities has always been a wish of mine.

My ability to converse has declined since moving across the river 16 years ago (it's true - don't let anyone tell you otherwise), and quite often I find myself thinking back to those days when all was happy and fun. There was a time when I talked to other kids at recess. There was a time when I went to other kids' houses and played. There was a time when I had a different friend over at my place every two or three days.

Then all of that went "poof."

There was no significant life-changing moment when all of this was happening: no deaths, no divorces, no health issues, no financial trouble, nothing like that. I was mixed in with an unusual surrounding after I moved, and I struggled. That's when I would sit along the wall at recess at Challand, or sit on the bench at lunch at SHS. It's like the world went on without me and I was shuffled to the back because I couldn't keep up with everyone else.

I sought refuge back where I grew up, and I seemed to have made better on friendships there than elsewhere. Not just retaining friendships dating back to Merrill, but making new ones that branch from those.

When people look at me as someone who is extremely shy and out of touch with the current world, they don't realize that there was a time when I was actually like them at one point. They thought I always grew up like that, and it's not true. Also, because of this, I don't have the ability to have fun at a party, let alone go to one. I'm not a drinker, but I do make a great DD if needed.

I'm finding myself wanting to be able to be the same person I was pre-move. As if the past 16 years never happened. Well, not really, as I have come to know a lot more people in that time. Reclaiming my "Glory Days," if you will.

One day I summed up these feelings in a Facebook post:

"One of these days I'm going to get caught up with everything, actually put a smile on my face, actually pull a joke or impression or six, actually make coversation, and actually be the person I've always wanted to be but just had no time for. I've always had it in me, just never had the chance for it."

This caught the attention of one of my co-workers, who asked me what the whole point was behind it. In order to fully explain everything, I would have to tell the story of my life from a certain point on, but it would be too long-winded. So I just kind of summed it up to the tune of "I had a hard time making friends in school because I was different," and there was a point in time where that wasn't the case and I've felt disappointed about it since then. Like all of the fun was sucked out of me, and here I am now standing here like a log.

This co-worker happens to be the kind of person you just can't seem to ignore. Someone whom I'ave actually had luck talking to. It doesn't happen often, but there seems to be some sort of chemistry brewing here. Like Burns and Allen. I can say the slightest funny things, and that'll get her going ... and it tells me to continue doing that.

Whenever I would pull something funny, she would remark that she didn't know how I didn't make friends. I did the same things back then, but no one laughed.

She told me about her family, and not too much of it was positive. That's a far cry from mine. You'd think we'd be switched. My shyness is not a reflection of my own family, as they are actually very exceptionally well at conversation and such - this is just something I haven't professed.

Speaking of work, my conversation abilities have gotten better since the first couple of years I was there. There's no significant improvements, but only slight ones. This current roster of employees is perhaps the best one that I can have a little fun with, and talk to when I want to.

Believe it or not, my job at the Shell station actually involves talking. I've never been a believer in being that "robot" cashier, although there is plenty of time when I do act like it. When I first started, I didn't know anyone. It's been five years and most know my name without looking at the nametag. I'm really grateful for that. 

Lately I've always found myself saying the same thing in regard to how things have been. Outside of "working a lot," I just don't think I've had too much else to talk about, outside of what I do during high school sports season. I just don't do anything that my typical customer base does.

Even with people I've known for years, I just haven't had anything good to report to them outside of the typical response of "working a lot." You can't make good conversation on that. "Working a lot" really kills a conversation chance. But I just don't know what else to say. Nothing's happening with me right now.

I just have to fight that inner struggle of 1) They are coming here to buy goods first and not necessarily talking to the clerk, and 2) I would like to engage in more conversation.

While it's still a struggle to talk to customers, I'm finding that a common theme in most of them involve sports. I used to play 670 AM (The Score) on the radio while at work, but the antenna broke and the signal faded. More recently, the Stanley Cup Playoffs (and its three overtimes) have given me an icebreaker of sorts, but not too much.

(On an unrelated note, I still do not have cable at home. I'm wondering if I watch TV more, I'll pick up something to make conversation on. But I just don't know about the monthly cost of it.)

Sometimes if I just had something to do in my days off, I'd have something good, different and positive to report to my customers rather than "oh, just working a lot."