THIS is Home ....

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2012.03.70
Current Song - Break My Stride (Matthew Wilder)

This entry will supplment an entry that I had made in April, called "May 17, 1997 - Moving Day & Saying Goodbye to Merrill"

If I could turn back time ...

Those that REALLY know me well know what colors I bleed.

Everything that was going good for me was taken away from me 5/17/97. I understood what needed to be done. It was for the best interest in my family to move across the river.

It killed me deep inside. The fight to start all over again was squashed (because I was different from the rest) and I was kicked like a can to the side of the road, just like the other "new kids." I could never regain those happy feelings that I once had when I lived on the other side of the river ... the side I call home.

I wasn't all alone when I first entered the playground of my new school. Shocked to see me there was Brandon, a kid that I was a classmate of back at Merrill School. He asked me if I was here.

"I don't know why I'm here," I replied.

***

Those that REALLY know me well know what colors I bleed.

I took a walk down 3rd Avenue in Rock Falls today. The first time I had walked on those sidewalks in almost 15 years. It took me a while to get across the block. I had to stop at many different places.

I saw my old house, the white one on the corner of 3rd Avenue and 5th Street. It still looks the same, but the blue window trimming is gone. It was fitting that the colors of my house would match the colors of Merrill School's blue and white. Standing on the sidewalk, I gazed through the windows to remember what was inside. Then up the steps to the second story. My bedroom. The closet. The same closet that I cried inside on 5/17/97.

I shrugged myself to get out of that feeling. To the right of the house is a tree that is split into two. It was easy to climb that tree, and remembered back when my brother Mike was trying to run away and climbed the tree to get away from Alesha. Mike was one of those kids that believed in cooties at the time. That memory faded away once again.

I then looked across the street to the two-story white house that Jared and Laurelle used to live in. I had spent many days in that house looking over Jared's baseball cards. I stopped and tried to remember some of the cards he had, especially those 1954 remakes we both thought were real. That memory faded away once again.

I could only walk a few more steps until looking at my neighbor's house. The Williams kids had lived there, and they had a couple of girls that were Chris and Dan's age. So many times we crossed that side yard and onto their side sidewalk. Then they moved out and some teenagers moved in. I had remembered one of them from a bus route that I was on in pre-school. These two teenage girls would babysit us whenever mom and dad were away. These memories faded away once again.

Just one house down was Stephanie and Jeremy's. We had spent many days playing outside, and from the corner of my eye I saw the same garage that Shawn had his basketball hoop hooked up to. Other than our garage, this was the only other one on the block, and it was much shorter. That memory faded away once again.

Just a couple houses down was Wesley and David's. There was a wooden playing structure in their backyard, and Mason (who lived one over from them) and I would always go there after playing at Mason's. Mason was really into the Power Rangers at the time. That memory faded away once again.

There is a white house next to Mason's old house that sits on a corner. This was an old man's when I was there, but now it has just as much toys as our's had when I lived here. Upon reaching 4th Street, I turned back to my old stretch of 3rd Avenue and looked at it for a while. Turning 90 degrees I looked west on 4th Street and saw a glimpse of the Nance's back yard. I remembered playing football with Dan and Brendyn one summer day and catching an interception. That memory faded away once again.

Up the bumpy 4th Street hill going east, I hit 2nd Avenue. To the left a ways was the drive-thru for the bank, and next to it was Justin's house - one of Mike's friends. Going back down 2nd Avenue toward 5th Street, I passed the large apartment house and came to a small wall that divided the yard of that apartment complex with Aaron and Chrysteena's driveway. That wall had a flat top to it, and I would cut across and walk on the flat top whenever I went to Aaron's house.

I spent many days at Aaron's as well. He had this bedroom that, when you entered it, was a huge step down. I had taken my World Series Baseball sega game over there on occasion and we would play the "season series" mode with the White Sox. I remembered back to one day that he had a cup in his room and we would announce the next batter while speaking into the cup, giving it a speaker-like sound. That memory faded away once again. It's too bad the house is a little run-down.

Mikey's! His back yard was across the alley from my back yard. Well, this was his grandmother's house. So many games of baseball were played in our yards. The memories were so strong that I had to hurry up and go back to my old house to remember the diamond layout that we had.

Home plate was the back door. First base was a tree that sat next to the 5th Street sidewalk. Second base was the door to the garage. Third base was this small collection of shrubs that laid between our house and Williams's. Hitting a home run meant hitting the ball across the garage roof. That memory faded away once again.

Straight ahead was the walking path to Merrill School that I embarked on every day for four years. Stepping from the corner sidewalks to the 3rd Avenue street, I looked at a piece of newer cement. I remember when that piece was poured. The same sidewalk exists from the one-block school trek, overgrown even more with more grass.

Merrill School became a little closer. I stopped at the intersection in front of it, just like waiting for Mrs. Stuker to hold up traffic so that we could cross the streets and into the school yard. That memory faded away once again.

I approached Merrill School, a place that I could speak volumes of. I thought about entering the playground area, but had remembered an incident not too long after I moved away. One day, when Sterling had no school and Rock Falls did, I rode my bike back into my old neighborhood and stopped at a bench on the schoolground since I was tired. My old principal went out and told me to leave because I was technically trespassing on school grounds. So I didn't enter the schoolground, but walked along the fence.

I recalled the lines that we all had to line up on to enter the school. Kindergarten was first. 1st grade next and so on. Emily, Mallory and Alisha were always the first girls in line when I was in 1st grade. This memory came to mind. Then it faded away. I made my way toward the swings, where I could remember challenging Dennis to see who could swing the highest. I pictured myself on the playground equipment: the bars, the merry-go-round, the logs, and the yellow slide (which is no longer there, we had the slide put in when I was in 2nd grade because of a soup-label drive).

Minnie's corner - 5th Avenue, 5th Street and Culver Street. I never had the honor of having Minnie hold the traffic for me. Like Mrs. Stuker, she had been there a long time. I made my way down 5th Avenue to the playground that the 3rd, 4th and 5th graders went to for lunch-recess. These are memories that are most fresh.

I can still see Mr. James refereeing our soccer matches and Antonio running around the soccer pitch as if he was the best soccer player out there. Sometimes the ball would go over the fence and across 5th Avenue. Next to the soccer area was where Mr. Stralow refereed flag football. These were where the memories are the freshest. The gym was staring right back at me. I swear I stood along the fence for 15 minutes looking over at the gym and thinking of the great memories that me and everyone else had with Mr. G.

As I approched the last bit of space that Merrill occupied, I knew there were no more fresh memories that came to mind.

I cried.

I decided to walk back across the school ground. I was crying, and cried even more the more I walked closer to the school building. I had to quickly hide my tears because I had to walk back to my car, which was parked over at Hardees. I didn't want anyone to know that I was crying. When I got back to Stuker's corner, I decided to go along 4th Avenue to 4th Street, passing Nance's house and back toward Jesse's Towing.

I couldn't resist turning my head back down 3rd Avenue once again. More tears began to do down. "Stop it!" I told myself. I didn't want anyone to see me crying.

Eventually I made my way back to my car back at Hardees. I sat there for a while, cried some more, and drove back down past Merrill once again.

I drove down West 5th Street, a street I rode my bike on a lot. Turned on 8th Avenue before turning on 2nd Street toward Rock Falls High School. As I drove toward the school, I slowed down near Johnna's old house. That thought stuck in my head for a while before I made my way to the high school. I slowed down once more to take one good look at it. There was the bench that was put up in memory of Kallahan, a friend of mine from grade school that passed away WAY too young.

Rock Falls High School. I should have been there.

Rock Falls High School. Where my grandparents began dating. Where my grandpa was president of the "R" Club in '63 (now called the ACE Club). Where my mom attended school, my uncles Wayne, Greg and Randy, my cousin Joshua and many, many Holloways over the years.

***

Those that REALLY know me well know what colors I bleed.

I parked at the school parking lot and walked up the hill toward the front of the school, where the bench sits. I said "Hi, Kal." as I made my way to the bench and sat down.

"Yeah, I put on a few pounds, so I hope this doesn't hurt," I muttered as I sat.

I had tried to remember my school days with him, as he came to Merrill in 2nd grade and was in my 3rd and 4th grade classes.

"Remember playing soccer at recess? Or did you play football? I can't remember. I went by our school today. I cried. Yeah, Kal, I admit it. I'm a grown man and I cried."

Turns out I had remembered more when I would come to RFHS to sit in the student section for basketball games. The last time I saw him was when I was watching a softball game (the year my friends took 4th at state) and I was standing next to him and Kody.

"You probably don't remember that," I said. "Didn't see you again after that day. Kal, I wish I would have went to school here." 

I was staring right into windows that led to Mr. Harper's study hall room.

"Remember the time Mr. Harper wanted to give me a detention for acting rude at a basketball game? And I said, sure, go ahead! Were you there for that one?"

After saying that, I began to think about an alternative reality. What IF things were different, and I stayed put in Rock Falls? 

***

Those that REALLY know me well know what colors I bleed. 

When my parents were looking for a house, one of the places that we stumbled upon was a newer house in a subdivision off of Hickory Hills Road near Knief Road. Jared had just moved to that neighborhood, and he was going to Montmorency for 5th grade. This was a perfect fit! Jared and I could have been best friends through high school together as well. 

Everything was going to be farther away. Montmorency was a hike. Shopping was a hike. I pretty much would have been contained to the subdivision and the one off of Buell Road. I don't know anyone else that lived in those two subdivisions, but I knew that I would eventually join up with my old pals at RFHS one day.

I couldn't get a gage on anything else with that particular alternative reality path. So I thought of what would have happened if we hadn't moved at all.

In the final day of 4th grade, we had learned who our 5th grade teachers were. Since I was already living in Sterling by then, I never knew if I was going to be in Mr. Stralow's class or Mrs. Gallardo's class. I had a feeling Stralow took all of the athletes.

It took a while for me to try to piece the alternate reality together. Jared was going to be at Montmorency anyway. Kody and I were in the same desk group in 4th grade (Johnna and Nicole were also in it) and we were on the same little league baseball team. (At this time a little bit of an erie feeling came upon me when I thought of Kody, while sitting on a bench with Kal's name on it). I probably would have migrated to flag football at recess.

It sure would have been easier to move around. Because of depression, I had gotten a bit more chunky. I wasn't going to be depressed, and I thought I was going to be kind of good at football. Mr. Stralow probably would have suggested to me that I tried more defense than catching the ball. Nevertheless, I would have had a lot of fun with my friends. I probably would have asked my parents that I go out for junior tackle football. Who knows from there? Possibly a lineman on the Rock Falls Football team? (Not that it would change anything, really).

I sure would have had stronger friendships as we went to Middle School. The cliques would have molded into the shape that I currently recall from RFHS '05. I could honestly see myself in the rung just below "popular". I probably would have been more of a trouble-maker than how I was at Sterling (probably because at Sterling, I didn't have the gumption to do anything pretty much). Who knows? I certainly would have been one of those Rocket Rowdies. Heck, even Wrestling would have been a possibility. I probably would have quit after a couple of years and concentrated on throwing shot/discus. NCIC champion? Probably not.

I'm also going to go on record and say this --- I would have had a girlfriend in Middle School. Who, I don't know. One of the Whites maybe? Johnna? One of the Ashleys? I don't even know if any girl at Merrill liked me. I don't recall. There were only two people from my class at Merrill that I can recall that were "sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (something something) baby carriage!"

One thing that I don't think would have changed was my sense of humor. Because I wound up being so shy at Sterling, I didn't show much of my sense of humor. However, at Sterling there is a classmate of mine named Patrick that I sort of saw myself as, if I were still at Rock Falls.

There, a comparision.

***

Those that REALLY know me well know what colors I bleed.

I think it was a good 30 minutes sitting on this bench when I saw someone else on the school grounds. I summed it all up by telling Kal, "I could do all of the what-ifs I want ... oh, sorry." I wrapped up my visit by walking away giving a "peace" and a salute.

With my version of an alternate reality sort of established, I thought this was much better than how I'm doing things now. This made me look back at my years at Challand.

I then got angry.

Everything that was going good for me was taken away from me 5/17/97.

To think of the life that I would have had! Then again, I wouldn't have the journalism career I have now. I wouldn't have been an athletic manager for SHS varsity teams as an underclassman. I probably wouldn't have been Rock Falls Softball's No. 1 fan as well - as some of that had to do with my moving away. I would have just been one of those students that went to the games. Okay, so maybe the whole Rock Falls Softball thing wouldn't have changed in this alternate reality.

I might have been in Chicago teaching at a school. Heck, I may even be married by now. Kids, maybe.

Sure I wouldn't have had my current love for high school sports in this alternate reality, but you know what? THINGS WOULD BE MUCH, MUCH HAPPIER IN MY LIFE IF THIS WERE POSSIBLE!

***

Those that REALLY know me well know what colors I bleed.

I've spent 15 years in social misery. Now I want to go back and pick up where I left off.

For the past couple of years, I couldn't find the drive to live life as well as my friends have. I couldn't find the drive to have fun. I'm still stuck in the same house that I moved to 15 years ago. I think the perfect symbolic ending to this misery would be none other than ... going back home.

Over the years, though, I have acquired many skills. Sportswriting being one of them. It's not like the sportswriting is going to go away when I "go back home."

I've "gone back home" many times when I would go to RFHS to watch sporting events with my friends. It is these memories that I will not forget from my high school days. The night Emily, Jen and Joi introduced me to ICQ (and how I didn't know how to use it and they were wondering why I wasn't responding to their messages). The night of the "detention." The "Bike Ride."

I felt at peace with my Merrill classmates and their friends than I did at Sterling for some reason. I still can't pinpoint it, but the difference in feeling is still there.

Those of you from Sterling reading this are going to yell at me for this blog entry. However, if there is one thing I've learned from being a journalist (a profession thanks to you) is that I will not be afraid to state anything.

While I am truly appreciative of what Sterling has given me professionally, Rock Falls will forever be my home.