The Cure for My Mental State

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.01.70
Current Song - Circle Of Life (Elton John)

I have this ability to think too far ahead. Call it a protective cushion around me.

You see, I need this cushion in order to survive. Thinking very far ahead makes me analyze what everyone tells me. I don't want anyone to use me or make me look like an idiot. I don't want anyone to make me a pawn for their own good.

This is why I think critically about everything that is spoken to me. This guilty-until-proven-innocent concept of thinking ensures that I survive.

Basically, I know why you are speaking those words to me. I try to find out why you are talking to me, and the overall motive behind it.

Plus, this cushion is there to prevent people from jamming things down my throat. Once your strong words hit my cushion, it slows down and gives me enough time to analyze it before it hits my brain.

Then I'm left with a file in my head that gets added on to with every subsequent word.

You cannot decieve me. You cannot fool me. You cannot make me your pawn for your own good, and toss me aside.

This mental state of mine has ruined relationships between me and other people, and I'm usually getting the last laugh by saying, "you can't fool me."

Here is the dilemma: 1) my way of thinking prevents people from interacting with me. 2) without this way of thinking, I will not survive.

I always dream of a gray area - a life where I don't think ahead so much and still be able to survive.



Here's how the dream goes:

I'm at school. Many people are tired of my line of thinking.

Then they constantly jab at me and my "cushion" at the same time, just like a bunch of spaceships firing at me in unison.

I fight back with everything I have, until my cushion is gone.

As I start to fall down, the jabbing starts to become less and less.

The last words I hear before dying are, "Cody, you will be better off now."

My eyes are shut and I'm just laying there on the ground, dead.

Then as I'm regaining consiousness, I find myself realizing that I'm not in the same place I just was during the fighting. I see nothing but white with fuzzy vision, as if I'm in an all-white room with no walls and no noise. I get up slowly.

I can hear my footsteps as I walk away from where I woke at. As walk further, I see a tiny spec of something that is not white.

I walk closer to that spec and it slowly gets bigger. The closer I get, hearing my footsteps, I find out that it's another human being. 

The closer I get, I notice that it's a girl that I know. She is standing there, looking straight at me. I remember those clothes she has on: blue and gold little league all-star attire.

We stare at each other for a few minutes. I notice that she didn't look like the way she did the last time I remembered seeing her when I was alive. She looked different, as if this was a younger version of her.

For a brief moment, I begin to think that this was some sort of time warp.

I know this girl, and I know how old that this girl I'm looking at is. Which "version," I guess, of this girl.

"Welcome home, Cody," she says slowly, with a slight ting of excitement.

I am a bit confused by her words, and I reply by saying her name softly in confusion.

"Where am I? Why are you here?"

She looks at me, smiles, and approaches me slowly. Not taking her eyes off of mine, she slowly puts her arms around me, and then quickly lifts her head toward mine and kisses me on the lips.

A couple of seconds go by when it comes back to me.

"I love you, Cody."

We never let go of each other, and my mind begins to go blank again.

Now I wake up at a familiar place. It is a playground, one that I remember from when I first saw my girl.

My memory becomes fuzzy. All of a sudden I can't remember anything after this time spent in this school.

My life has just started all over again from this point.

"Come on, Cody. I'll walk you inside."

We hold hands as we walk toward the line just outside the school door, waiting to get in.

Along the way, I'm constantly talking and chatting with people like it's really easy to do.

The End