How Far Behind Am I?

Cutter's Log - Supplemental

Thinking back to where my classmates are today made me go back to my personal email inbox. I am a hoarder when it comes to email. I have messages sent from classmates when we made the jump from middle school to high school - just before 9/11.

I don't usually write about my days at middle school, because those were pretty much some of the worst times of my life, up until the second half of eighth grade (asking a girl out for the first time, managing the basketball team, etc.).

To sum it all up, here are emails to and from classmates of mine from 11 years back. I had sent emails to all of my friends that I didn't see on a regular basis, just to keep in touch with them. I was pretty nervous when it came to friendships.

Here's an example of what I sent (to a boy):

"Hello ( ) It’s Cody Cutter. I don’t really get a chance to see people. But I can always e-mail them. How have you been doing? Are you going out for football and basketball this year? I’m only going out for football. Are you still going out with ( )? Or is the relationship on hold? Last I heard, you two broke up. I don’t believe that. High School is going to be great. I hope we have some classes together.
Have a fun summer!"

And here's an example of what I got back (from a girl):

"Cody don't take this really bad i'm not trying to sound mean but.. in your email to me you sounded so i don't know how to say it but like so more normal than you usually seem. you always seem so unself confident. and you just dont act the same as i think you usually do for some reason i think you act different when you are like at home and stuff than when you are at school around me and everyone else. At school your so hooked on the girl you like and stuff. but ne ways, i don't wanna sound mean ok?? that's not how it was suppose to come out if it did."

That's true. I WAS so hooked on the girl I liked.

And this led to mass chaos that led to the "middle name maneuver" on Facebook searches.

Everything I tried always failed. 11 years later, I now know why. I was literally garbage. Ask anyone.

"Getting a girlfriend" was always priority No. 1. This was something I focused on more than schoolwork on occasion, and probably why I didn't do so well in school late in life. Everyone else I knew and played wall ball with at recess had a girlfriend. I wanted to be just like that. It's biting me in the ass a decade later. Throughout high school I came close once, and this was something out of the blue that I just wasn't prepared for. No other opportunity EVER came my way again.

Over the years I've come to realize that finding a girlfriend just doesn't come by force. And when it does, rumors start about you.

In 2012, I'm 26 years old, still living with mom and dad, working a part-time job, in far worse physical shape, and more of a bio-hazard.

I look at myself and notice that I am in NO WAY marketable to any girl out there the way I am now. It's just not going to happen.

11 years ago, getting a girlfriend was priority No. 1. In 2012, getting a girlfriend takes a HUGE backseat to the other things I have to improve about myself. Time didn't help me at all, since some of the girls I liked then are marrried with children today.

Nevertheless, getting a girlfriend is still something I would love to enjoy in my life. But I feel like I have to change a WHOLE LOT about myself in order to make that happen: moving out of the house, working a full-time job, getting in physical shape, and cleaning myself up.

I believe I can change everything to make my dreams come true.