Valentine's Day Is One Week Away

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.70.20
Current Song - This Guy's In Love With You (Herb Alpert)

By my senior year of high school, I felt like all of the girls at both Sterling and Rock Falls were trying to prevent me from having a relationship. After a while I knew I was doing it all wrong; all my fault. I just couldn't understand why that was.

This is what sticks out in my head every Valentine's Day.

***

Each year at this time, the thoughts of past loves start to get into my head.

Here's what happens: I remember all of those V-Day card exchanges from school days, and that leads to the thoughts that come into my head whenever I saw someone I liked. In fact, I still have a fifth-grade valentine somewhere in my collection of stuff, with "xoxoxo" written on the envelope.

I was a very shy person back then (and I still am today), and I knew I couldn't establish the bond by myself. I turned to people to help me, and for some reason it would always end up backfiring on me.

I've been slapped around in fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, and eighth grade by the same group of girls.

My closest connection was in seventh grade, when I actually bought flowers for the girl that I loved at the time. And I asked her out; problem was, it was over the phone because I was too scared and nervous to do it in person. Then she announces this event to her friends, and one of them yells at me - telling me NEVER to ask her out again. Same girl that yelled at me was also trying to rattle me out of a girl that I had liked for quite some time.

It was to the point that whenever I had a feeling for someone by my eighth-grade year it just wasn't worth it. I knew I was going to get slapped around.

Then there was an event during my freshman year, and I quickly knew it was simply a distractive ploy to make me look bad. This RF girl - we've traded barbs at times - set this all up between someone and me, and I pretty much caught it. That's when I knew it was pretty much all over for me.

My methods of establishing relationships were all overshot and proved to be devestating. By high school I pretty much just sat back and waited for the right girl to come up. Trying to make the first move would just become devestating for me.

I was tired of making the first move, only to get slapped around.

So I just sat back and waited for the girl to make the first move. I'm still waiting.

But at the same time, I have had many scars and wounds from all of those times I've been mentally beaten to a bloody pulp (I've never been physically beaten up at school ever, but mentally, a million times).

It's been seven years since I graduated from high school. The wounds and scars from the girls, and their male cohorts, telling me to never fall in love again are still etched in my mind, but the pain can't be felt anymore.

But I'm not giving up.

I really feel like I can make a comeback and turn my success with girls around. I've spent a lot of time licking these wounds from school days, and I think I have found a way to build something successful. I think all of those times going out and exploring different places - restaurants, shops, quiet spots in the middle of nowhere - really helps.

To all of those girls from school, just go away. You're just going to do more harm to me than good. I hate to say that, even to the one girl I always had feelings for. But in the end, I know it'll just be more harm to me than good - but if she still has something to say about it, I'm all ears.

The slate starts clean.

It's easy for me to find a girl. It's easy for a girl to find me. However, we both have to find each other in order to truly make it work.

I'm confident that this will happen soon.