Cutter's Log - Stardate
Current Song - Gonna Fly Now (Bill Conti)
The past couple of weeks have been an impasse for me.
The five-month anniversary of being out of work kind of combined with recent emphasis on the website, and a lot of forgetfulness. It's getting harder and harder to dig this hole that apparently I've been digging since graduating high school.
Two things I've earned since high school: an Associate's Degree from SVCC, and many, many high school sports friends.
But that's it.
I literally haven't moved an inch since graduating high school. The rest of my friends took the first train out of town after commencement. I stayed behind. I didn't settle on my own - I literally stayed behind. When my two next-oldest brothers have moved out of the house, I remain.
Constant reminders from society have told me that if I continue to go down the path I am headed, nothing will get better. Only worse.
Just recently, I have had the the need of a jump start to my life shoved down my throat. Let's face it: I'm going to be 26 years old, still with my parents, lying on my bed taking a nap half of the time. I won't got into anything else that makes me feel a lot worse than everyone else my age.
I'll put it this way - people know me as a high school sports journalist and fanatic, a high school history researcher, and someone who is willing to put important things of my life on hold just to service others (athletes, coaches, fans) of the profession that I am in.
What they don't know is my personal homelife. That is deteriorating before my very eyes. No, not my family. It is as strong as ever. But my life outside of high school sports is absolutely deteriorating. I've been told that I can't take care of myself anymore. I took a long, hard look at what life would be like for me if I continued on this path that I am going on now. It's not pretty, and I would be MUCH far behind everyone else that I grew up with. I'd be stuck at age 18 and not going any further.
What I will take away most about the past few years are the friends I have made in the high school sports scene. I didn't have many friends growing up, and my work with high school sports has helped fill in this important void in my life. While I'd still like to get this jump start, these are the people that I need to help me get turned around and start LIVING again.
Will I give up high school sports journalism? HELL NO! But if I don't save myself first, I don't think I'll have much of anything from this point forward.
I've always told myself it would be wonderful to have a place of my own. A family of my own. A wife of my own. A future of my own. All while making everyone proud of me. Come to think of it, currently I'm in no shape to revitalize my love life.
That will change now.
I'm in "livid comeback" mode at this point. Think of Slash's end solo from November Rain. Just the solo, not the lyrics and video.
I will be thinking of a plan to actually make this a success soon.
I just want to be dug out of this hole soon, before it ruins everything I've ever worked for.
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