I Sense Self-Destruction

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.52.10
Current Song - Take a Bow (Madonna)

I was given one of those demoralizing lectures this morning, and I'm really reeling right now.

REALLY feeling uncomfortable with myself right now.

Then again, reeling is something I've been doing since September.

I don't think I've ever been put in a quondam this much in my life. Apparently, I found out that careful planning for the continuation of my own life isn't the way to go about living. Apparently, I have to be like Nike and "just do it" and walk into certain situations and deal with them.

I can't.

I literally can't.

My is so automatically set on careful preperation for future endeavors, that a change in course is going to lead to an explosion.

I can't just up and move into an apartment. I need to find the money and be able to hold onto it. But apparently, I need to go into this apartment and somehow blindfoldedly go about surviving.

I've been told life doesn't work out the way I go about it.

I've been told that I can't wait for all the right things to line up, and then go.

Just do it?

I'm not ready to go all reckless abandoned yet.

Just go out there and do it? Even on the very rare occasions when I did, the effects were disasterous. For example, I just can't go out there and tell who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world my true affection for her. That'll end up being disasterous.

But apparently there are more important things to think about before even touching the thought about relationships. I can't even get on my own two feet for crying out loud.

Just do it?

I see nothing but disaster.

But I've been persuaded to "just do it."

Do I walk the path toward disaster?

Or do I sit back and continue to be pushed around.

I can't find a gray area.

My parents, and two of my brothers have made such decisions in their lives. But that's because they have a support group to help them.

I don't have a support group. Apparently I wrecked that during middle school and high school.

And now I'm alone and empty. Between a rock and a hard place.

Where do I go from here? I just do not know.