Where Did I Go Wrong?

Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.51.70
Current Song - Spooky (Atlanta Rhythm Section)

I've been spending a great deal of time sitting in my computer chair in front of the computer. When I'm not staring at the screen, I'm staring into open space. Pondering about a few things related to why I'm at where I'm at today in regards to a certain aspect of life ... love.

Recently, it hit me that it has almost been 20 years since I first started realizing the whole difference between friendships between boys and girls. In other words, the first girl I "liked" was nearly 20 years ago.

Over the past 20 years, I estimated that I had crushes on at least 25 different girls. (No "Cutter Report" naming names is planned to come out).

I have come close twice toward establishing an official "going out" type of relationship. Once (7th grade) was the first - and to date the only time - I had the courage to ask a girl out (on a phone, of course). The other (freshman year) was something I wasn't quite ready for, and I kind of figured out it was nothing more than a diversion.

So I took some hours to think about my entire life history involving girls, and wondered where I went wrong. Why was I unable to establish such relationships? Why am I 25 years old and still unable to get a girlfriend?

***

Should I have not been a sissy and called a certain girl on the phone, especially when my best friend was pressuring me to do so?

Should I have completely abandoned the friendships I had established in Rock Falls before moving to Sterling for 5th grade? Did this possibly hinder efforts to have a very good 5th grade year?

Should I have been a little more kinder to that one girl who was "kind" to me? Furthermore, should I have completely ignored the slightest possibility that this was a diversion of sorts from the girl I actually liked?

Should I not have written my thoughts down in a little "coca-cola" book that was locked?

Should I have rode my bike elsewhere when I was feeling down?

Should I have done more than just sit there at the corner of the wall at recess time in middle school?

Should I have not written locker-hole notes to a certain girl?

Should I have not published a certain weekly rating list?

Should I have not tagged along behind the crowd, rather than just ignoring it?

Should I have not stuck up for a friend when a girl gave him a phony phone number (that I knew was phony after he revealed it to me)?

Should I have not found out who someone was without asking her first?

Should I have not made a fool of myself when trying out for the Talent Show?

Should I have just skipped that volleyball game out in the boondocks?

Should I have just been at peace with the fact that I just wasn't invited to a joint birthday party that it seemed like everyone else was invited to?

Should I have done more than bring her flowers?

Should I have learned slow dancing before actually doing it?

Should I have not made a (different) publication regarding jokes about a kid?

Should I have altered class-to-class paths?

(Now we hit high school)

Was that trip to Chicago for a softball game really worth it?

"Hody" (rhymes with butter)?

Should I have just stayed in Sterling?

Should I have just ignored SHS and followed RFHS all throughout high school?

Should I have made a move while managing? (On second thought, no, because it would have absolutely wrecked my life)

Should I have not played hookie?

Should I have known how to use ICQ before actually installing it?

Should I have done more than just ICQ chats and phone calls?

Should I have prepared for a certain meeting?

Should I have not gone on the legendary bike ride?

Should I have not made a cameo appearance at a certain place early in the morning?

Should I have made constant reminders about a "promise" that I would take somebody to prom? (Probably another diversion)

Should I have completely ignored a bus conversation between someone who told me he had a crush on someone?

Should I have seriously considered an offer to reside in an "extra bedroom" at someone's house?

Should I have kept my keypad untouched in a specific message board post?

Should I have asked that my assignments be a little more spread out than what they ended up being?

Should I have not quoted a certain someone out-of-order?

Should I have counted the number of championship rings a little more accurately?

Should I have stayed local during my senior year, rather than traveling all over creation to write game stories?

Should I have behaved a little better while driving back from a football game at Ottawa?

Should I have not tried out a photo angle from the floor?

(Now we hit college)

Should I have given more writing advice to certain people?

Should I have been a little more open in asking for help in a certain class?

(Now we hit the present time)

Should I be moving around a little bit more?