To Tip Or Not To Tip

Cutter's Log - Stardate 2102.62.60
Current Song - Non Stop (John Malcolm)

I didn't have a whole lot to do today, and did everything before 1 p.m. Not much to do on these days off of work.

Today I had to deposit money at the bank, mail something, put some gas in my car and went to the Walton Mart to buy a few things.

One of the things I wanted to buy was a July-to-July planner to help get my website ideas under control and on schedule. It's one of those small, cheap black ones with the extras in it: such as the tiniest world map I've ever seen, a conversion chart, and a list of gratuitities.

I will admit that I am extremely bad at tipping. I do tip, but I never know exactly how much to tip. Sometimes it's just a matter of looking at what remaining money I have left and take a part of it. At least there's no law that demands tipping.

If I go out to eat and the bill is less than $10, I'll just put my whatever's left on the table. Recently a friend and I ate at Al and Leda's in Dixon where my bill came out to $8-something. The rest of the $10 went on the table for the tip. Typically my meals come out to somewhere between $7 and $9.

I'm looking at this list of gratuitities and I don't usually encounter such things.

Here's the list, and my comments:

*Waiter/Waitress - "15% for adequate service, 20% for exceptional service." (and NO, you don't pay 77 cents for a waitress per a waiter's dollar!) So a $10 meal warrants a $1.50 tip if everything's alright. I'm more of an understanding person, so I RARELY ever get angry at anyone for, as an example, putting mayo on my burger when I asked for it to be plain. No worries, I'll just scrape the mayo off with the knife. This prevents servers from crying.

But at the same time, a typical steak dinner for me would be a $3 minimum. I should be tipping the cook in this instance, right? If, God forbid, I went to a five-star where something's $50/plate, the way I look at it is that the work output is the same there as it is at a smaller joint.

*Buffet/Self-serve Restaurant - "Nothing unless there is some service; 10% if server delivers food/keeps drinks refilled." First of all, I have yet to see a buffet where a server delivers food. However, Ponderosa does this where a server delivers a steak and keeps drinks refilled. So why is this just 10%? Why not "15% for adequate service, 20% for exceptional service?"

And do you tip in Yen at a Chinese buffet?

*Busboys - "Nothing. $1-$2 for cleaning up a big mess." So I guess it depends on the definition of "big" when it comes to a mess. Don't expect any tips from hoarders.

*Bartender - "15-20%; $1 minimum per drink." I don't drink so I can't tell you.

*Cocktail Server - "15%-20%." My only experiences with cocktail servers are those that walk around the casinos. Soda is free. 15% of free is ... what? Nothing, I guess.

*Maitre d'/Captain - "$5-25 for special efforts." Never had such an experience, so I can't tell you. The closest comparision I know of is when the general manager comes to your table and asks you if everything is alright. When I go to eat, I want to eat. I don't want to meet the general maanger, or know what his/her name is.

I need to get out more.

*Sommelier/Wine Steward - "15% of bottle cost." Again, I don't drink so I can't tell you.

*Coat Check - "$1 per item." I don't like coat checks. My only experience with one was when we had a seventh-grade student dance at the Coliseum many years ago. I actually trust my locked car in such cases, or arrive early enough to park somewhere closer. The casino in Clinton has a coat check, and when I go there in the winter time I'm simply running from my car to the door - about 10-15 seconds.

*Restroom Attendant - "$1." I personally think the thought of this is scary. But I guess it depends on the situation. If it's a simple No. 1 and wash-your-hands, it's pointless. If I stink up the entire restroom, is one dollar really enough?

*Parking valet - "$2 When car is retrieved." Don't get me started on valet parking. Okay, since I got myself started, I'll ramble. "Valet parking" means "parking for lazy people," unless you are very old or handicapped. I don't mind parking at the rear of the lot. For one, it's good exercise. And I need it. But the main point is this: someone you DO NOT KNOW is driving YOUR car. That should be enough. Who knows what they'll take in addition to your $2 tip.

*Takeout service - "No tip unless something special is done."

*Counter service - "15%-20% depending service." I haven't a clue as to what this means in comparision to Takeout Service.

*Food delivery (e.g. pizza) - "10% ($2 minimum)." I rarely order pizza for myself. The only time I ever did so was at a hotel in suburban Minneapolis (Burnsville). I didn't know what Pizza Hut to call. So I had to look at the map in the front of the Yellow Pages to guide me. Sure enough the closest place (Eagan) didn't deliver to the suburb I'm at. I was told that the closest place that delivered was Bloomington.

So you mean to tell me that the driver has to get on the busy I-35W and cross the Minnesota River, in a metropolitan area nonetheless, and find this hotel off of Burnsville Parkway? I felt sorry for the driver, as I thought this was a very long drive for him (not to mention crossing one of those intersections where there is a sign that reads "traffic congested when lights flashing").

Sure enough he found the hotel room, and I proceeded to hand him a $5 tip for my $9.99 pizza. My reply was "I hate when people do that."

*Barber - "$2-$3 or 15%." So when you go to Sheffield for the $1.75 haircut, the tip is $0.25.

*Hair stylist - "15%-20%; $3 to $5 for last minute service." When it comes to just my hair, it is a simple thing. Just get rid of three-quarters of it. Meaning, the difference between a barber and a hair stylist is moot. (I assume the last-minute service line is on top of the percentage).

I get an awkward feeling when tipping for hair services. When I'm tipping for restaurant service, usually the tippee is not present. With hair, the person is also ringing you up on the register. When I was younger and going to get my hair cut on my own time for the first time (rather than having mom or dad take me there), I didn't know what to tip. I fear that "what a lousy tip" look.

*Shampoo or other assistant - "$2 to $5 for each person; [with the notation of] Give directly to each person."

*Manicurist - "15%." If I ever want to be a knuckle-ball pitcher, I'll keep that in mind.

*Spa services - "15%-20%." However, if they take off all their ...

*Car wash - "$2-$3 for a car; $3-$5 for SUV or larger vehicle." Sounds like something that should be included in the charge. I'm curious as to how this works for both a youth softball fundraiser, and a bikini-themed wash.

*Furniture/Appliance Delivery - "$5 to $10 per person minimum; Up to $20 if delivery is large, heavy or difficult." I see great-grandmothers rolling out twenties for every microwave delivery. I also see Gold's Gym regulars handing out Abes for every sectional.

*Pet Groomers - "15% of bill or $2 per pet." Gee, which is cheaper?

*Shoeshine - "$1-$2." Man, I'm beginning to think this planner I bought is made for people more professional than me.

*Hotel Doorman - "$1 per bag for help with luggage; $1 per person for hailing a cab." Man, I'm really beginning to think this planner I bought is made for people more professional than me.

*Bellman/Porter - "$1 to $2 per bag ($2 minimum)." Unless you put me on the bellhop cart and push me to my room. I don't know the tip for that. How about $0.10/pound?

*Housekeeper - "$2-$5 per night; tip daily and leave on pillow." In other words, I can't clean up after myself.

*Concierge - "$5-$20 depending on the service; Nothing for directions." If I have time to get it myself, I'll get it myself. I actually feel this recommended tip is a little low for people striving to achieve the impossible.

*Parking valet (hotel) - "$2-$5 when car is retrieved." Refer to my earlier point. And why the extra when it comes to hotels?

*Room Service waiter - "15% of bill."

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