Not sure which direction to go in

Cutter's Log - Stardate 1102.12.80
Current Song - I'm Not In Love (10cc)

The following pertains to a very confusing subject of mine ... Love. What you see of me at the gas station, or at sports events, or errands, or festivities, or driving around ... you don't see my heart and brain keep wrestling itself when it comes to Love - and the pain I feel when thinking of this fight.

1. Is the past the reason why I can't succeed today, and should I let go of it? If I let go of the past, will I have better luck in finding a woman?

OR

2. Continue to keep holds on the past, and hope the past either finds me or changes course and finds me?


All those years of making Top 50 lists in middle school, and knowing many more from nearby schools is kind of the reason why I'm in this predicament. Over the years I have had a lot of appreciation for many girls, and for a great deal of them their kindness is something that I never forget. In essence, I just can't seem to let go of them while we all try to move on in this great big world.

"Letting go" meaning telling myself there is no hope in falling in love.

Now try to imagine removing viruses from your computer.

My heart and my brain are wrestling each other at this moment, and have been for quite a while. There are some dreams that I have been able to put away and forget about. There are others that still linger in the queue. Then there are others where my brain says 'withdraw immediately, it's the moral thing to do.' and my heart says 'I still love her.' I keep screaming to myself, "GET RID OF IT!" with strong resistance from my heart.

No, these are not just a few girls. These are many of them. The more dreams I can permanently put aside, the more my head becomes clear. The putting aside thing is very difficult for me. I feel that with a clear slate, I'm able to better concentrate on the future. Just got to accomplish this clear slate.

Help!

I just know that I can't continue to have these thoughts and its time to move on.